Christmas Just Isn't What It Used to Be, and then some

Today was Christmas at my parents' house. It was not the best holiday gathering...Not a bad one, just a definite sense of sadness in the air. Hubby and I sat in the living room, chatting with my dad for a bit when we first arrived. After while, he helped her out of bed and we all sat by the Christmas tree, opening our gifts. We all tried to remain light hearted, but Omi was definitely having a difficult time. Little things set her off, and seeing the pain that she was feeling, just made my heart ache.

The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.

I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.

We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.

Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.

Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!

We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.

What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???

I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.

But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:

1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.

2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.

3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?

I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!

Time flies...

I can't believe it's already been a month since my last post. Time just gets away from me. Especially at this time of year.

Facebook just suggested a friend for me. Someone that I've been sorta looking for for a while now. I did a little creeping on his page. And it makes me wonder how life could have been...

This guy...What shall I call him? Buckle. lol If you knew him back in the day, you'd know why I'm giving him this name. Anyway, he was the older brother of one of my classmates. We got to know one another through a church group and I developed a crush on him in my freshman year of high school (Seriously...I think it'd be easier to count the guys that I didn't have a crush on...). We had a bit of a flirty relationship. He was SUCH a nice guy.

I don't remember what the occasion was, but we were at our church's grade school and Buckle, his brother and I were all hanging out on the playground. Mel was probably there at some point, too. Although I could be lying about that. Buckle and I had been flirting a whole bunch and he offered to drive me home, so my dad wouldn't have to drive out to get me. I had a backback or something, which I'd put in his trunk. When we got to my house, he got out of the car with me to get my bag and kissed me there in the driveway.

I don't know why that relationship never went anywhere. I really liked him a lot. And I got the distinct signal that he felt the same way. I think we talked on the phone a couple times, but that was it. Never a date. Never anything more than that one kiss.

I thought that I'd heard that he'd gotten married a few years ago. And I have to admit that I had a moment of disappointment when I heard that. But now Facebook tells me that he's single.

Not that I'm planning on going anywhere. And frankly, things with my husband are pretty good right now. I think the last year has been the happiest that we've been with one another for a long time. But seeing this old friend show up on FB, it stirs up that thought of 'What if...?' I think on more occasions than I'd like to admit, I find myself thinking about how different my life might have been if I'd made one decision differently.

Oh well. 'What if' will never get me anywhere. Life is what it is, right?

I'm here...

Here being at my job...But that's about all they can expect from me today. lol

The majority of our customers are in Canada, and since their Thanksgiving is on a different day than ours, we are required to have people in the office today. That being said...I'm not planning on actually doing much today. If an emergency arises, and I'm forced to do some work, I will do it. If not, I will continue to do nix. I could have taken today off, but I would've had to use vacation time. And really, what would I have been doing at home? Not what I should be doing, as I so perfectly demonstrated yesterday.

We didn't do Thanksgiving yesterday. I made Hamburger Helper with ground turkey for dinner. We spent the day as if it were any Saturday. With the exception of the mass amounts of texts that I sent and received, wishing a Happy Turkey Day to the recipients. I confess, I didn't even call the parents. *hanging head in shame*

I kept meaning to call, but before I realized it, it was 9pm and time to go to bed (and argue with Hubby, apparently). Dad was having Loopy (his mother) over for linner. I'm sure his hands were full between her and Mom. Loopy pretty much doesn't recognize anyone anymore. She is thin as a rail and mostly lives in her own head. Dad recently moved her to a retirement community that is less than five minutes from the house. He's had her in a couple different places, but the most recent one bumped up her rent and it was just getting to be too much. And frankly, my dad is the one that sees her the most often and takes care of her the most, so she should be convenient for him to go to.

Anyway, we stayed home yesterday because Hubby threw a fit when I suggested that we drive down to visit for the day. He whined about how he just wanted a weekend where he didn't have do anything (which is total bullshit...He does nothing every weekend). He said he wanted to save the gas money that we'd use to drive the hour and a half down there and back. I gave in, because when we have this argument about Christmas, at least I'll have Turkey Day to cite as a reason why he can't have his way again.

After the argument about not going to see my family, I suggested that we have his mother and her boyfriend over to our house this weekend. She decided to work the holiday (double time, man. If it was offered to me, I would've done it, too!), so we're having them over on Sunday. I'm rather excited to cook for them. Everytime we've had them over in the past, we either had spaghetti (the traditional Italian meal) or we've gone out. So, I think this is the first time I've actually cooked a meal for her.

I'm going to go to the grocery store this afternoon after work and I'm hoping I can get a good deal on some of the traditional Thanksgiving goodies, since it's the day after and I'm sure the stores are going to want to try to get rid of all the extras. I'm going to make a turkey breast (yeah, I'm not going to make a big ass bird just for the four of us. Even if I want leftovers, I have no desire to deal with the neck and insides and YUCK! I'll just get a big breast, tyvm.), Mashed Taters, Sausage & Apple Stuffing, Gravy & Brussel Sprouts - all the things that I LOVE! lol

I found a recipe for 'Night Before' mashed potatoes, which sound a lot like what Omi does, you end up baking them for like an hour before the meal. I've already made the stuffing once and it turned out excellent. I think I'll just steam the sprouts. Mother-in-law's boyf doesn't like sprouts...Thinking I might make some green beans or something for him. Or maybe he just doesn't get a veggie. lol

I need to clean tomorrow...I should have cleaned yesterday, but sat in front of my computer all day, instead. I have a slight addiction to the Sims 3. The game is fun, but the thing that I like doing most is building houses. I find floor plans online for these incredible houses and then try to recreate them in the game. Building and furnishing one house can eat up an entire day. Yeah, I do have a problem, but whatev. It's better than the old habit (WHICH I STOPPED 3 WEEKS AGO ALREADY!!! I could probably start sending out my resume now, without having to worry about that...yay!).

Oh, and I need to put up all my Christmas decorations. This was another task that I had planned to do yesterday and just didn't. First, it was Hubby's fault because he wouldn't get the shit out for me. And then it was my own fault, because, like I said, I have a problem. lol

Anyway, I'm all over the place with this blog. Just wanted to purge some thoughts. :-) I'll try to take some pics of the food that I make this weekend.

Friday Fill-In

Yes, I slacked on the memes this week. It really was a rather hellish week. But it's just about done and I've declared today the day of doing very little work. We FINALLY (HOORAY!!!!) closed on the refi last night. My mortgage payment is not due until January 1st and it's about $300 less than the last one. I am a happy girl. In celebration, I'm doing a meme. :-) You should do it, too. Click the pretty lil button.

Go there, damnit.

:-)



1. We need more national holidays, like Canada. I swear you Canadians get at least one paid holiday a month. I'm just asking 'Why not me?'
2. I shared the bottom of my breakfast cereal milk with Bubba (the fat cat) this morning and it made me smile.
3. If you want holiday photos of your kids and/or family, and live in the Chicagoland area, let me know! I'll be happy to do it for free!
4. I want a new job because I feel unappreciated and am bored with my current one.
5. Massachusetts has a proposed 5% sales tax on elective cosmetic surgery; I think that's a great idea and they should implement it all over the place. You should have to pay a little bit extra to have your boobs enlarged or your nose to look like MJ's.
6. Family, friends and happy decorations (especially the pretty lights!) make for a happy holiday.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to taco Thursday on Friday, tomorrow my plans include getting the H1N1 shot, grocery shopping and chillaxin' and Sunday, I want to do some cooking!

Cryin' for Me

Today is two months since one of the most influential and incredible people in my life passed away. I still can't quite grasp the concept that he's no longer with us. The first thought that came into my head when my dad told me that Opa had passed away was 'Who will carve the turkey on Thanksgiving?' and that was enough to make the world come crashing down around me.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love getting together with family that I haven't seen in a while. I love most of the traditional Turkey Day foods. I love listening to all the same stories that I hear year after year, reminiscing about years past. I don't think my family's going to do Thanksgiving this year. My mom doesn't eat anymore, Opa's not with us. My dad and Omi would be making some huge feast for four of us. I just don't think it's going to happen. We'll probably go see Hubby's family for the holiday. Which would be okay. I guess it'll be a nice relief that we don't have to eat twice. But I'm just very sad about the whole thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my dad will have his brother and his daughter over. Maybe Omi will invite Opa's sister. We'll see.

Last night, on my way home from a very long day at work, I heard this song on the radio and couldn't control myself. It just says everything that I have been feeling. I'm not cryin 'cause I feel so sorry for you, I'm cryin' for me.

Toby Keith More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos

Deadline? What is that?

Sometimes, I could just strangle certain people. I'm not the best with deadlines...In high school and college, I would often wait until the last minute on projects and papers. My excuse was that I found that if I was given an extended period of time to work on something like that, I always felt like there was plenty of time to work on it. "I'll get to it later. Why bother now, I have six weeks to work on this 20 page paper. No biggie." I always ended up waiting until there was a week (or less) left and then I'd whip something up, even if it meant staying up all night the night before it was due.

Whatever. I got it done. ON TIME.

And I'm still a bit like that. When it comes to work, I kinda slack for a while and then when I see a deadline coming up, then I plow through like crazy. But I always get my shit done on time.

Unless I'm waiting for someone else.

And then I'm fucked.

Like tonight! I have a release that's scheduled to go out today. We (as in I) set this date over three weeks ago. We set a cut off date for last Thursday. This means that the programmers should complete all of their changes by that date. It allows JB and me just under a week to test all of the fixes that have been applied to make sure that everything is working correctly, as well as go through a set of standard tests - just making sure the stardard transactions go through as expected. This extra week also allows for any overlap, just in case the programmers can't get their code in right on time. Or to fix any errors that JB and I hit in our testing.

We have one programmer who is on the non-core team with JB and me. He is a great programmer. Very smart and quick to jump on random bugs when we send them out. HOWEVER, when it comes to new features, he doesn't do a very good juob of testing his own shit. Which always ends with JB and I waiting until the very last minute to get all of his crap tested. And because he doesn't do much testing on his own, there's usually a lot of bugs. And he just doesn't seem to grasp the concept of the deadline. Not only did he not have his stuff all done by last Thursday - he didn't have it all done until this morning at 9am!!! It takes almost two hours for the code to compile. And then I start testing it. And SURPRISE! There's bugs all over it.

Since JB has class tonight, I'm the lucky girl who gets to stay late and wait for everything to finish. I just love working until 7 or later, driving home for an hour and then coming back at 7am (WE FINALLY GOT APPROVED FOR THE REFI! WE"RE CLOSING TOMORROW AFTERNOON!!!!).

I just feel like every time we have a release going out, I end up taking it up the ass. And I feel like I'm just supposed to smile and say thank you. It just sucks.

On the plus side, I won't have to take vacay for the two hours that I was at the doctor yesterday. Yippee!

Thank you for listening/reading my rant/bitch session.

The End. :-)

Monday, Monday...

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day moving files around from one computer to another and burning other files onto DVD's, so make room for more files from the other computer. It was a very productive day, even though it probably looked like I just sat around in my pj's, playing on the computer all day.

I accomplished most of the items on my to-do list this weekend. I'm rather proud of myself.

Super Secret Project #1

I've been thinking about doing this for a while and it was just a matter of getting my stuff together and making it happen. Sooooo...SSP#1: Another blog. lol

I love to cook! And I know that there are others that do as well. I wanted a create a place to post my favorite recipes, and yours too! This new blog, Jen's Community Cookbook, will be a place where I can share recipes that I really enjoy. I would also love to share (and test out!) your favorites, as well! Send me your favorites, so I can post them up there with mine!

I've got one recipe up there, so far. A recipe for Ultimate Brownies (which are cooling on the countertop, right now!). They're so easy to do and come out great every time.

I really made a serious dent in my list this morning. I think I'm going to take a break and catch up on some shows until dinner time. This weekend is going fabulously!

Making Progress!

I've been updating my to-do list as I complete tasks on it.

I did the grocery shopping last night and watched a couple shows. Last night was way more about just taking it easy than getting anything accomplished.

This morning, I got up and started cooking and cleaning. I'm about halfway done with all of that stuff. I also have updated my layout here (Purdy, no???). I decided to take the easy route and use stuff that other people have done. It's a lot more work to create layouts on your own. And frankly, these look a lot better than what I come up with. My only objection to using premade layouts is that other people could be (and probably are, because they're super cute) using the same ones. But I just gave in to the ease and prettiness. lol

I also added a Mister Linky & an icon to my page for my new Thankful for...Thursday meme. I hope that you all will participate next week! :-)

I'm off to start baking brownies and one of my super secret projects next! Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Hold on to your hat!

I have SOOOO many things that I want to accomplish this weekend.

• Grocery Shopping
• Library
• New Layout for this blog
• Update FotoJenic with all of the photos that I've taken over the last sixish months
• Take some photos for next week's You Capture
• A super secret project that I'm sorta really excited about
• An icon and the McLinky for my Thankful for...Thursday meme
• Another super secret project that involves mucho ass kissing
• Curtains - I have a sliding glass door in my kitchen that seriously needs some curtains. It's a project that I KNOW I can do. I just need to buy the materials and DO it. (This project may have to wait until next week when I get paid again, since my wonderful husband took $100 out of the account last night for God knows what...)
• Catch up on some tv shows, like pretty much ALL of this week's shows
• Move all my musica to my desktop, so that I can chuck my piece of garbage laptop out the window ...just kidding ...sorta

Yeah, I'm going to be a busy girl. But I'm really excited about it. These are all pretty fun projects for me. Anything that involves making a mess in my kitchen or playing on the computer makes me happy. Should be a fun and productive weekend!!! :-D

Friday Fill-Ins

I told you I'd be doing a new meme every day. You don't like it?

I don't care. :-)

Love you, though!

Today's first meme is Friday Fill-Ins



1. The last band I saw live was Sarah McLachlan and others at Lillith Faire like 10 years ago.
2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is getting together with family & friends (plus the food...I LOVE turkey & mashed taters & effing pumpkin pie!!) (if you don't celebrate thanksgiving, insert your favorite holiday)
3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is going to be on a tight budget this year. Crummy.
4. Thoughts of my to-do list for the weekend fill my head.
5. I wish I could wear loud, bright, creative makeup every day.
6. Bagpipes are really neat - the music from Braveheart - AWESOME.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to catching up on tv shows, tomorrow my plans include cooking and blogging and Sunday, I want to make some curtains for my kitchen!

Thankful for... Thursday!!!

I searched all over that neato DailyMeme site for a good Thursday one and was just disappointed at my options. I was going to skip Thursdays (even though I really SHOULD be participating in You Capture on Thursdays...But my capturing has gotten a little non existant since the cousin's wedding...And I still haven't posted pics from that yet. Ugh, as a photo blogger, I suck.). And then this morning, I was thinking about a myspace post that I'd done a couple years ago, after Melissa had done it first (Yes, I get most of my ideas from other people...I'm a copy cat...AND WHAT???), listing things that I'm thankful for.

And then it hit me!

I'll make my own stinking Meme/Mister Linky and YA'LL can participate! How's that for a brilliant idea?? lol

So, I'm working on a Mister Linky and a lil icon and all that good stuff to go along with it. But for now, here's my list of some of the things I'm thankful for this week. Tell me what you're thankful for, too!

UPDATE: I've added an icon and the html for you to plunk into your blogs to participate! I've also added a Mister Linky at the bottom, for you to share your post of the things that you're thankful for this week!

I'm thankful for...

• leaving work early, even if it is only to go to the doctor.
• having dinner with girlfriends.
• the awesome brownie recipe that I found - it's so good that Hubby's buddy from work asked for me to make a whole pan just for him!
• the brave men and women who have and continue to protect(ed) our country.
• my friends and family, who love and support me.

Oh, the things I should be doing...

I have some stuff that I should be working on right now, but I'm SO not feeling it. Instead, I'll share my strange dream from last night.

I believe this dream was supposed be before my wedding or maybe some other big event. I was at a friend's house and he was doing my hair for this event. I believe that it was a trial run, not the actual event. Anyway, Steve's doing my hair and while he's in the middle of it, there were a couple other people that showed up (for some reason, I'm thinking it was my dad, but I'm not entirely sure) and they just stopped in to tell me that they were leaving. I think I thought I was supposed to go with them because I left Steve's and I started walking somewhere else.

I ended up in Park Forest, at Western Ave & Sauk Trail, waiting to cross the street and two of my sorority sisters appeared. I'm not exceptionally close to either of these girls, and I have NO IDEA a. why they showed up in this particular place and b. why they showed up in my dream at all! Jess & Wedgie (These are their real names/nicknames...I don't feel the need to protect them...There's no bad stuff goin on here...) gave me a hug and we walked together to Jess' parents' house, which was right on Western. We went inside and apparently Jess' parents owned a catering business and were going to cater this event. They were giving me samples of the food that they'd prepared and while they were kinda doubting the quality of the food (I remember meatballs...lol), I was very reassuring, letting them know how much I liked it.

And then I woke up. And I thought to myself 'What about a catering business........'

I could cook, which I love doing, and I would be involved in event planning, another thing that I love to do... A friend once asked me if I'd considered doing catering. I had been complaining about my current job and saying how much I love to cook. But a good friend has discouraged that idea, as she's had a lot of BAD experience with the restaurant business. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that a restaurant would not be good for me. I LOVE to cook, but at my own pace. I watch shows like Hells Kitchen & Top Chef and man, they've gotta bust ass. I just couldn't handle that shit. But a catering business...? That might be a little more relaxed...

Or maybe I'll just continue to work a desk job where I have a steady income and dread going in every morning and count down the hours til it's time to go home...:-P

Random Linkage

Just wanted to share some randomosity that I happened upon today...


Finger Painting
Japanese Barcodes
Mario on Mushrooms
Disney, Deconstructed
I speak from experience...
You got me!

I WANT... Wednesday

I LOVE finding ways to waste time...And while doing an impromptu google search for "Blog Memes", I came across a site that lists a BUNCH of blogs that do daily/weekly memes. The one that I picked up for today is....




It's an easy one...Go to the blog to find out the question of the week. You answer that question on your own blog by posting your answer as well as any other wants that you have and then link back.

Essentially, make a list of things you want (I mean, seriously??? What's better than that????)

So, without further ado...

This week's question:

What kind of good news do you want to get today?

I want to hear that we've been approved for our refi and the closing will be next week!

Other things that I want this week:

• I want to go to the library - I have two books that I need to read
• I want to write a letter to Omi - a handwritten, just thinking of you letter
• I want to cook some tasty meals - Edamame Corn Chowder & Beef Stroganoff are what I have planned
• I want to redo the layout of this blog - It's so hard to read!!
• I want to copy all of my music over to my personal computer at home, rather than my work laptop!
• I want to update my photography blog
• I want to go to dinner with a couple girlfriends tomorrow night
• I want you all to have a great day/week!!! :-)
  
  

Coming Clean

Damnit all to hell, Blogger...I totally had a post neatly typed out and then when I went to post, it took a dump on me and wiped out the whole thing. I hate when that happens. Let's try again. :-P

I've decided to stop posting as 'Easily Manipulated'. I've started to resent that part of my personality and if I want to shed it, I think maybe a symbolic first step is to no longer accept it as my title. I debated with myself over sharing Hubby's real name with those of you who don't know me/us in "real life". But he doesn't even like to have his photo taken, let alone have his name out there on the interwebs with all the bitching that I do about him. So, I'll let him remain annonymous.

I've recently started to look at myself and how I deal with people. I have such a fear of rejection that I'm constantly trying to make everyone else happy, regardless of my own feelings. I think this weekend, I really worried/stressed myself into the ickiness that I was feeling. Tired of worrying about whether friends will send me packing for choosing myself and my own wants over theirs. I feel like my husband and a couple of my close friends often take advantage of the fact that I can't stand to have people unhappy with me. I'm just over it.

So, anyway, no longer accepting the psuedonym of 'Easily Manipulated' and completely putting myself out there - JenniferAnne. :-)

I hate being a grownup

I've been having a lot of dental work done in the last year...Really not my favorite thing to do. As a kid, I was very lucky to have good teeth. I didn't get my first cavity until I was 18. And then it was all downhill from there. I've had quite a few cavities in the last 10 years. It probably has something to do with the fact that I've gotten really lax about going to the dentist. So like a year ago, I was experiencing a good amount of achey pain when I'd eat sweet things or hot or cold. So, I finally gave in and went to the dentist. It'd been probably three years since I'd last seen my old one.

The new dentist checked out me teeth, did x-rays and gave me a cleaning and said I did have a couple spots of decay, but nothing looked real bad. A couple weeks later, I had three fillings done on the left side of my mouth. That ended up being quite a fiasco. Apparently the decay was very deep, and close to the nerve, so it took a lot of time and three separate visits (complete with drilling each time) to get that side all hunky dorey. Six months had passed by that time, so it was time for my next cleaning. Did that. A month later, went in for three more fillings on the other side. This side was much more forgiving and didn't require any extra trips.

But now that that's all taken care of, it's time to deal with my very unhappy wisdom teeth. These buggers started growing in in high school and I wish I'd just had them taken out then. My dentist at the time (the guy I'd been going to my entire life - a friend of my parents' since high school) said that we'd just wait and see if I had any problems with them.

Uh, yeah...Problems 10 years later! One of these wonderful "wisdom" filled teeth is broken now. It chipped maybe a couple years ago, but didn't really bother me too much. And then this weekend, something happened and it chipped some more. It is now scraping on the inside of my mouth. I stick my finger back there and it just feels horrible. And I don't know if it's just because I'm more aware of it now or because I'm paying serious attention to it, but it bothers me. I feel like the whole left side of my mouth is unhappy. I feel like this aching goes up to my cheek bone. It doesn't really hurt, it's just noticeable. The only part of this that is really uncomfortable (other than in my head, I know I have a broken tooth!!) is the sharp edge of the tooth rubbing on the inside of my cheek! And, uh, I don't know if you've had a bad tooth in your mouth, but it sure doesn't make my breath minty fresh.

I got the number for an oral surgeon in the area, but I am friggin terrified of having these suckers ripped out. New dentist wants me to just get rid of all four of them. WHich I would be perfectly fine with, except for the fact that they're ripping my effing teeth out! I hope they put you under for that sort of thing. And I really hope that I have enough moula left on my dental insurance for the year to cover most of it. Yet, another reason why I wish I'd just had these effers taken out in high school. Dad could've foot the bill. lol I'm sure if I asked for the money, he'd be willing to fork it over, but I already owe him money right now. I really can't ask for more.

Hubby suggested that I just use a file and file down the tooth so it stops rubbing...I will not be doing that. Maybe I only get two pulled? Or maybe I just pay to have them removed for the next ten years. That'll be fun.

I hate being a grownup

Sunny Days, Sweepin the Clouds Away

I LOVED Sesame Street! I don't think it's the same show now as it was 20 years ago, though. I love how Google's been celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Sesame with creative Google Doodles. Although, today's doodle was sorta disappointing.
Why, you ask? Because SNUFFY ISN"T THERE!!! What the heck is going on??? There's a bunch of random girl muppets that are maybe more prevalent in the show now than when I was a kid, but seriously, where the heck is Mr. Snuffleupagus??? I love Bert & Ernie. And I don't know if they're really gay or not, but they effing should be. I hear Cookie Monster counts veggies instead of cookies now, WTF is that? Who is that other red guy? There's Elmo & Telly, but I don't know that other guy's name.

I miss the days of Sesame Street. Life was so much easier back then. I wonder when it's on now...I might like to camp out in front of the boob tube, On my way, to where the air is sweeeet! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street???

Lame Weekend Update

Ugh...This weekend was really rather crappy. Friday afternoon, I went to visit the fam. That was the highlight of the weekend, for sure. Played dice with Mom & Omi. Had dinner with Dad & Uncle. Was exhausted by 6:30. Cancelled plans with Melissa because I'm lame and wanted to go to bed. And did just that as soon as I got home.

Woke up early on Saturday, with a pounding headache. It was so bad that I felt lightheaded and nauseous. SO not the way I wanted to start my weekend. Especially since I had plans with my BFF to go out for her birthday. I made coffee, hoping the headache was due to lack of caffeine, but I think that just made me feel worse. I camped myself out in bed and tried to sleep it off. I napped and watched food network on and off all day. I was committed to going out. I got up around 4 and showered (in the dark), hoping that would help, but that didn't do it either. I felt horrible, but I ended up cancelling with Bestie.

I just felt like a terrible friend. I know how disappointed I'd have been if it had been my birthday and my friend cancelled on me. But I really would NOT have been any fun, if I'd gone out. We were supposed to go bar hopping and just the idea of alcohol or loud noise made me want to cry. So, I called her up and heard the disappointment in her voice, and at the last minute, considered sucking it up and going out anyway, but I ended up staying in bed.

I was feeling a bit better on Sunday, headache and nausea were gone, but I still had a scratchy throat. Honey lemon tea and Theraflu helped with that, so I did some grocery shopping and made a turkey breast with sausage & apple stuffing and mashed potatoes for dinner. We started to watch HP & the Half Blood Prince and ended up going to bed an hour into the movie.

I'm feeling much better today and have made plans to take Bestie to dinner to make up for my flaking out on Saturday night. JB isn't at work again today - sounds like she's got the same thing I had this weekend - so I'm relatively busy. Although, apparently not so busy that I couldn't post to my blog. lol

I'm going to try to hit up the library tonight after work. I need to get the book for my book club and I just cannot afford it right now. What's a library for, afterall? I just need to figure out where it is. lol!

Happy Monday, Ya'll!

Sweet Dreams...

First, I just wanted to thank those of you that replied to my last post about the Princess Problem. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only woman on Earth who wouldn't mind being a SAHM and/or housewife. Although, I have to admit, if I was only a housewife, there would be no excuse as to why there's a waist-high pile of dirty laundry in the bedroom or why there's stacks of papers laying on the kitchen table.

Second on my mind, Wow!! The authors of my bloglist must have been feeling exceptionally BLOGGY in the last 24 hours! I've got a TON of reading to catch up on. LOVE it!

Finally, I wanted to share a wonderful dream with you all that I had last night. I dreamt that I was at a doctor's office, and I'm standing there in the exam room all by myself and apparently it's common practice to administer vaccines on your own, in this dream. So I'm gathering all of the pre-filled syringes and preparing them for injection, when a blonde haired girl, who bore a striking resemblence to Maria Lark, from Medium, came running into the room and out again through a door on the opposite side of the room. She was followed by Hubby, who was cradling a newborn. He passed the newborn off to me and went chasing after the little girl. I hollered at the little girl (Shelly, short for Michelle) to come back into the room, but was apparently not heard. I sat down and soon an older man - the doctor - came in the room and was asking questions about the baby.

I woke up with the distinct feeling that these two children were ours. Oh, and don't worry, I didn't inject anyone with anything. Thank goodness! :-) It was a very nice dream. I just wish that it hadn't been 3am when I woke up. lol

Another dream that I have (as in a goal...one that I really hope to achieve) is to lose about 15 lbs. by Christmas. I bought this beautiful dress about a month ago, with the intention of wearing it to a friend's baby shower. But it didn't fit quite right. I was rather uncomfortable and decided not to wear it. I was sadly going to return the dress, but then couldn't find the receipt and am unwilling to accept $15 for a dress that I paid $40 for. So, I've decided that my goal will be to wear this dress for Christmas. I just need to lose some weight in the middle, so that it hangs better and doesn't point out the fact that my boobs don't match the rest of me. I think 15/20lbs is achievable in 7 weeks. The only problem that I have is I don't know how to go about doing it! I need to get moving...Maybe walking a few times a week. And eating smaller portions. That's the plan. Keep your fingies crossed for me!

A post of randomness...What else is new

It's 9:31 on Wednesday morning and I am the only person in the office. Not because I'm some weirdo that enjoys coming in on holidays and weekends, but because 2 out of 7 people called emailed in sick, or whatever.

I typed out this long, whining thing about how I'm pissed that JB called in again, but whatever. Ya'll don't want to read that. I have found that the blogs that I really enjoy reading are the ones that aren't whining about how life sucks. Bitch and moan and wah wah wah...How are you supposed to comment when all I'm doing is vomiting my irrational foul mood at you? Paragraphs erased...Onto another topic.

It's now 9:47 and I'm STILL all alone. I really need to look for a new job. This morning, DreX was talking about how many women in the workforce view their job as that, a JOB, rather than a career. And many have what they called the "Princess Problem." Meaning that women work in order to provide for themselves until a man comes along and sweeps them off their feet and they live happily ever after. The two women on the show were appalled at this idea of men being the provider and blah blah blah.

Seriously?

You mean to tell me that if Richy Rich came to your rescue and said 'You never have to work again. I will rescue you from the pit of despair that is your job.' that you would turn him down??? Because I wouldn't!!!

If Hubby made enough money to support us both comfortably, my fat ass would be sitting at home, watching the end of Oprah right now.

I just got a text message from a friend of mine, saying that she's in labor. She was one of my sorority sisters, got her degree in teaching, worked in a bank for the last two years and, as far as I know, worked until yesterday. And today begins her retirement. Her husband makes enough money to allow her to stay home and raise her children, and she won't have to work. I'm so completely and totally jealous. Not only of the baby (not having that pity party today, tyvm), but also of the fact that she will get to be home with him after he's born. And not just for 6 weeks, but for as long as she wants!

I dunno, maybe it's because of how I grew up. My mom decided the same thing that my friend did, when I was born, she stopped working. I don't know if she would've gone back to work if she hadn't gotten MS, but I kinda think not. My dad was the provider. And in that picture in my head, I always imagined the same thing for myself.

Am I alone in this? I mean, for those of you that work, if Prince Charming swept you off your feet, would you choose to stay home? Or would you want to continue to work and advance your career - support yourself, rather than depending on a man?

Hey, 10:03 and finally, there's someone else here! I can go in search of coffee and a pee break! Lucky me!

Dressed in costume = lack of motivation

I have a BUNCH of friends who are teachers and so many of them were dreading this day. They have a hard enough time keeping their classes tame on a normal day. Throw in costumes, and it just begs for the students to be distracted.

I feel the SAME WAY today!!! I am completely unmotivated to do ANYTHING! I've checked my email and Facebook about 15 times. The first two hours of my day flew by because everyone was far more interested in the costumes and the fun-ness of the day. But the last 52 minutes have dragged on for seemingly EVER! It's almost lunch time...and then I can wander away for another 20 minutes or so.

I work in an office building, so most people are just dressed in their everyday attire. I guess once you get to a certain age, you don't feel like dressing up anymore? Or maybe you just don't have the time or the energy or whatever the case may be. But I love to dress up. I started working here just over three years ago, along with two other newish employees. One of our coworkers told us that everyone in the office dressed up. He gave examples of what everyone normally dressed as and he convinced us all that we should show up in costume, as well.

I'm sure you can see where this is going...

The three of us showed up in costume and not a single other person on the floor was dressed up. JB & I laughed it off, but the other guy was pissed. He'd dressed as a priest, and as soon as he saw that he'd been duped, he went to the washroom and took it off (obviously he had clothes on underneath his robes).

JB and I have since made it a tradition to dress up every Halloween. That first year, I did the quick and easy cat costume - black shirt & pants, ears, tail & whiskers - not the drawn on with eye liner kind, though. They were plastic and had a little ring, which hooked onto the center of my nose. JB was a referee. The next year, I dressed as a dark fairy. Super fun. Black dress & shoes, red, yellow & black wings, a short black pixy wig, and fun, colorful makeup in black & oranges. JB was preggers that year, days from her due date, so she skipped it. Last year, I was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Omi made me a dress, I had a long reddish brown wig in braids, I had the ruby slippers and even a picnic basket with Toto in it. JB was a flapper girl.

This year, JB had a costume that she felt wasn't work appropriate, so she came up with a second one - a sock hop girl:


Another one of our coworkers finally joined the party and he wore his costume as well:


I decided to go as a witch this year. I like alternating between good and evil characters every year. The evil ones seem to be much more fun - mostly because I get to go crazy with my makeup.Apologies for the shoddy camera work. My phone had a bunch of dust over the eye.




I love my makeup today, but I think I may do it differently tomorrow night (not that I'm going out or anything...I'm just passing out candy to the youngins that come to the house). I mean, you've got one opportunity all year to go crazy, why not???

Happy Halloween, Folks! I hope you all have a great (AND SAFE!!!) time this weekend!!!

It's always about a guy, isn't it?

Wow...Well, if that's not a sign from God, I don't know what is...

I had just typed out this long post about how I broke up with Hubby five months before our wedding because I was head over heels with this guy that I'd met at Thursday night Karaoke.

And then when I went to post it, I received an error and the entire post was gone. Guess I wasn't meant to tell that story...I've got another one, but it's far less interesting. :-)

Hubby's stint on 1st shift ends tomorrow. I can't say that I'm sad. I have decided that I like him best on 2nd shift, and that's where he's going, as of Monday. He works 2-10pm and gets home by 11. I don't have to wake him up in the morning, and he's not waking me up at 4am. I can make whatever I want for dinner and don't have to worry about making a second meal for him. I can go to bed when I want, without feeling like an asshat. If I feel like waiting up for him, I can and I won't be exhausted the next morning. Our weekends won't be jacked up like they are when he's on third shift. Yeah, second shift is by far MY favorite.

He's not so excited about it, though. I actually think he's rather bummed about it. He doesn't have any buddies on that shift. And his friends on his game will all be going to bed around the time that he gets home. The last couple of days, he's been sorta down in the dumps. I think it's a combination of the shift change and the acceptance of some of the household responsibilities. Not that he's taking on any new cleaning jobs, but he's FINALLY taking an interest in our finances, realizing that he needs to be an active part of keeping everything in order. But with that, comes some of the stress of it all. And I think he doesn't really know how to handle it. I don't know what to do to try to help him out of his funk. I tried to ask him last night, when I got home at 6:30 and he was already in bed (!!!). But he didn't want to talk about it. He says he just doesn't feel like he's got anything better to do, so why not just go to bed. He doesn't want to eat dinner. And then I feel like as ass for not wanting to go to bed, but sorry, I need to eat some dinner and relax for a few minutes before going to sleep. I don't mind 9 or even 8, but 6? That's just ridiculous. And frankly, I don't have any real suggestions for things for him to do. Nothing that's exciting enough to get him out of bed, anyway.

Ugh, this story is just boring. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to share tomorrow. When I'm all dressed up for Halloween!!! WOO HOO!!! Love dressing up at work!

Time to go home now! Hasta Manana, Friends!

A rainbow through the storm

Things have been pretty craptastic lately, and I've been kind enough to share the poop with ya'll. But I think maybe I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sunday's Memorial service for Opa seems to have calmed me a little bit. I'm trying to remember him in a happy way, rather than be sad for my own loss. Yes, I miss him. And he can never be replaced. Right now, I think there will always be an emptiness where Opa should be. But I feel less chaotic about it. I feel like having a service to remember him helped me to reign in my feelings of despair. Sharing my stories of him and seeing all the people who'd gathered to remember him - it helps me to know that he won't be forgotten.

Yesterday, I took the afternoon off of work. Hubby and I did some shopping and I had time to cook one of my favorite meals. We got the mail and received a letter from the mortgage company, saying that they have submitted instruction to the credit agencies to remove a negative status, which means that sometime next month, we should be closing on our refi. I'll be able to get our money back in order in the next 30 days, which is an enormous weight off my shoulders. Hubby and I were talking yesterday evening, after receiving this letter, about how it was a gift from God that the bank decided to help us out. I agree, but I told him that I think it's more. I think Opa had a hand in it - an anniversary gift from him. Maybe it's hokey, but it makes me smile, so I'll go on thinking it.

Photo from Pixdaus

Memories

Today was Opa's memorial Service. Omi held it at the church that she attends. There were a couple of hymns sung and bibles verses read. After the Gospel and meditation, I was called up to give what I understand now to have been his euology. When Omi asked me to speak, I didn't realize that i'd be the only one. I also didn't realize how difficult it would be to read those words in front of so many people. I found myself focusing on the people who matter so much to me - Omi & my parents. It wasn't so much the words that were hard to say. What made it so difficult was Omi's eyes, staring into mine. I wanted her to know how sorry I am for our loss. I made it through my speech, though barely breathing and choking on a lump in my throat.

After the service, a lot of people came up to me and told me what a nice job I'd done. I thanked them, feeling good that I'd been able to share a little bit of what an amazing man he was to me. A number of people also commented on how brave I'd been to do that. I never even thought of it being about bravity. Omi asked me and I couldn't have imagined saying anything other than yes. Opa always complimented me on how well he thought I did with public speaking. I was able to project my voice and he, terribly hard of hearing, even with hearing aids, was able to understand what I was saying. He used to watch the baseball games on tv with the sound muted because all he could hear was noise. But when I spoke, he was able to hear me loud & clear. I feel like my getting up there today would have made him proud. I feel like he would've given me a pat on the shoulder and said 'That was pretty good, Jennifer. You did a nice job.'

Hubby did a great job. He made sure that he was ready on time, we left early and were 30 minutes early at the church. He held my hand and reminded me to breathe. When I finished speaking, and got back to my seat, that's sort of when I lost it. I just held his hand and tried to keep myself from sobbing.

I felt so many things as I sat in that church today. I felt such grief and sadness for myself. For my uncle, as I watched him with his head down, crying into his hands. For my dad, who so admired and loved his father-in-law. For my mom, who felt as much love and devotion from her father as I do mine. And for Omi, who I suspect I am a lot like. I felt anger toward my uncle's ex wife and her fake ass boyfriend. I felt sympathy for my cousins for not having the opportunities to know Opa like I did. I was so grateful for my husband and for Melissa.

At the luncheon, a family friend, Herbie, took the microphone and wanted to tell a little story about some shenanigans that went down at my wedding. Omi had stayed at my parents' house with my mom during my wedding reception because my mom was just not strong enough to be there. In order to let my dad be there, Omi stayed with Mom. And since Opa was dateless, Herbie grabbed his fancy dancy camera and had Opa go around to every table and each woman took a picture, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Herbie said that he later found out that Opa said it'd been one of the happiest days of his life. lol

"Opa at my wedding"

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My Husband, the Donkey

It's like the man has a sixth sense when I'm bitching about him...I typed the first paragraph and got a text from him, asking me for two chores (aside from the litter boxes, because he's already planning to do those) for him to do when he gets home today. He must sense that I'm pissed about his shitty behavior...

ARGH! Sometimes, he just pisses me off like I can't even explain. Last night, one of my girlfriends came over for dinner. We made tacos and had planned to watch Grey's. She left early, so Grey's didn't happen, which was fine. But Hubby was acting like a complete and total tool all night. He usually gets along with this friend, but for whatever reason, he just didn't want to be sociable. He came downstairs from his man cave and started bitching about the onions that I was going to use, because HE couldn't get one out of the bag peeled last weekend. Then he saw the brand of tortilla shells that I bought and he bitched about that. Sorry Dude, it's all they had at Jewel. His response, well then you should've made a second trip to another store. SERIOUSLY??? You take a trip to the other store since these aren't good enough. What a tool.

We each prepare ourselves three tacos and then he goes back upstairs, commenting that he'll be back down later for more. He comes back down and finds that there's only one shell left. Oh no, here we go again. He bitches that there aren't more. He's pissed that there aren't any leftover ones from last week's taco night. Whatever, man. You don't need to eat 17 tacos, anyway. I had asked him to pick up some tortilla chips on his way home because I prefer nachos to tacos. Lay down a bed of chips, put some meat on top and then melt some velveeta over the whole thing...Mmm...Yummy! But no! That's apparently gourmet cooking (this is what he says about almost everything I prepare). It's "gourmet" because it's more than one thing. He says it's taco night, why do you have to have nachos, too. So, due to his assholishness about the nachos, he only got four tacos. ONLY. :-P

And then I feel like I have to defend him to my friend. He's not always such a dick. When it's just the two of us, he can be much nicer. He doesn't have a chip on his shoulder. He's not always such a grump. Thank God for that. I just wish he didn't feel like he has to act like such a hardass around other people. It seems like the only time he's not an asshat around other people is when my family is around. THEN, he's Mr. Perfect. He says the right things. He acts right. No wonder he hates my family functions...He has to pretend to be someone that he isn't.

Whatever, I was over the attitude this morning. We're talking about bills (because that's all there is to talk about right now) and then when that part of the convo is over he says to me 'I have to tell you something and you're going to be mad.' Okay, what? 'I don't want to go to Opa's memorial service on Sunday.' Sorry. You don't have a choice in the matter. 'It's not like I have anything else that I need to do, I just really don't want to go. I mean, what am I going to do there?' ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? You're going to be there to support me. You're going to hold my hand as I cry. You're going to do the same thing that everyone else there is doing - you're going to help celebrate the life of an amazing man who is no longer with us. Don't you be a fuckhead because you don't want to deal with the emotions. I'm sorry that it's not how you want to spend your Sunday afternoon. Frankly, it's not how I want to spend it either. I don't really WANT to get up there and talk about him. But it needs to happen. And you NEED to be there. So, I'm sorry, end of story. You. Are. Going.

I just wish he wasn't such a tool 90% of the time. I need to find a book on how to control my husband. I should go check out the self help section at the bookstore. There's gotta be at least one book on being more assertive. Something that will teach me how to whip him into a decent human being...

A brighter day!

I do feel a bit better after dumping my issues on all of you yesterday. Thanks for letting me dump on ya'll.

On a more positive note, my friend JB from work, is having a 2nd birthday party for her daughter in a few weeks and she decided that she wanted to make her invitations, rather than go out and buy them. She is doing a ballerina theme and drew a couple of feet in ballet shoes. She brought her drawing in to work Tuesday, and asked me if I had any ideas of how she could color it it - she tried colored pencils and didn't like how it turned out. She talked about using markers. And then she was asking if I had any ideas of how to put the text on it.

I had her scan her drawing and told her I could use photoshop to color it is, as well as put her text on it. I didn't have time to work on it yesterday, so I did it this morning (instead of working...:-/). She loves how it turned out. And frankly, so do I. :-)

She's going to buy pink ribbon and tie a bow to the ribbon on the left ankle.

I wish I could do something like this for my job. Some sort of graphic design or photo editing. I lose a lot of my creativity when it comes to doing artsy crafty projects. But give me picnik.com and photoshop, and I really feel like I can produce pretty images.

Ugh. Maybe in my next life.

Today is going to be good. I've decided to have a positive outlook on the day. I'm leaving work at 3 today. Kiss my ass, if you don't like it, people. Making chicken & beef tacos for dinner. My BFF is coming over for din din. We're gonna make a match.com profile for another friend. And we're watching Grey's. I was just going to say 'How could it NOT be a good night?' but I'm pretty sure that if that cat shits someplace other than in the litter box, that could put a damper on the day. Whatever. Positive attitude!

Oh! Another perk to today! I'm either getting a free pizza lunch from the manager (he keeps saying he wants to do this, but hasn't made it happen yet. Tuesday night, as I was leaving, he suggested doing it today. Don't know if it's actually going to happen, though) OR I'm leaving for a while with JB. We're planning to go to JoAnne Fab's for the pink ribbon for her invitations. I LOVE JoAnne's. I might look around for Halloweeny things. Not that I have money to throw away. But, ya know. It's fun to look.

Today's gonna be a good, good day! :-)

Warning: Negativity Ahead

I'm in a real funk lately...I just kinda feel like everything sucks. I have good, smiley moments. But most of the time, I'm just feeling like I'm down in the dumps. Life is not good right now. We don't have money, creditors/bill collectors are calling me nonstop. We're on hold with the refi, which is mostly the reason that the bills are going unpaid. I'm holding on to our cash to make sure we have enough to cover the mortgage, if we have to. My grandfather is gone. The future of my job is unknown. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm just in such a negative mood. Last night, I seriously considered crawling into the corner of the closet and staying there. I know how ridiculous that sounds. Believe me. But at the same time, it sounds so much more comforting than dealing with everything.

I hate feeling like this. I don't usually consider myself a negative person. I really do think I'm a glass half full kind of girl. But I just can't shake this feeling of sadness. I don't know. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with Opa's passing. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with all of the shit. I just feel like everything is crappy. I shuffle through my work day, not really investing myself in the work. Pretty much just doing whatever I need to do to get through the day and meet deadlines. And even with that, I'm getting fucked over. But that's been going on for a while. Normally, I would look forward to going home and making dinner, spending some time with my tv shows and my kitties. I don't even feel like doing that much anymore. I don't have time to make dinner, since I don't get home til 6 at the earliest. I just make some bullshit and go to bed at 8 or 9, whenever Hubby gets sleepy.

Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. I got stuck at work late, even though I came in early, and then Hubby didn't want to make dinner, asked me to bring home some drivethru shit. So, I did. We ate together, watched The Office and then were in bed by 7:45. We laid there, chatting for an hour, and when he rolled over to go to sleep, I couldn't sleep. I laid there and just started crying. I just feel so sad about everything. I wish I could go back to a time in my life where things weren't like this. Where I didn't feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It's so ridiculous. I know there are so many people that are so much worse off. I'm sure that I have plenty of reasons to be positive about life. But I just can't seem to focus on anything other than the negative.

Really, if I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for a few months...That would be awesome. Let this whole work thing play out however it's going to. Maybe the pain that I feel about Opa wouldn't be so fresh and wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe someone else could worry about the bills and the house and the shitting cat. Maybe I could mysteriously get knocked up. Maybe I could lose some weight. I wouldn't need to eat...It would be like hibernating...

I know this post is totally disjointed and perhaps redundant. I just needed to get it out there. Maybe if I dump it all on my blog, it won't be in my GD head so much.

Nice 100th post, huh?

Realization

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . just does NOT match the rest of me. I have to be the flattest fat chick around. :-P

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . will not always be exactly what I want.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving alone. . . I'm usually hollering at the asshole in front of me that isn't driving fast enough.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to prioritize.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . .my some of my artistic ability that I had as a kid. I just don't feel as creative as I once was.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .I disappoint people. I don't like feeling like I've let someone down.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . there must be a blue moon. I miss getting inebriated.

8. I’ve come to realize that money. . .is very slippery.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .can tolerate a lot more bullshit than others.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .wish I was better able to connect with people.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .uh...are nonexistant.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom. . .is who I have and will become - both the good and the bad.

13. I’ve come to realize that cell phones. . .are so much better than they were ten years ago.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . it was too effing early.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . I was feeling really down.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . I oughta be working, but am disinclined.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .is one of my best friends. I <3 my Daddy.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . .I become a complete and total stalker. And what?

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . .is so much better than yesterday.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .will involve cleaning the bathroom, a bottle of wine and some chicken tetrazzini.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .will be one step closer to the weekend.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .learn how to manipulate my husband...I just don't know how some women have such power over their husbands...

23. I’ve come to realize that some people. . .will always have drama in their lives. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't still be their friend.

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . .can be incredibly stressful.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . .should be fun. Hubby's cousin and his new wife will be coming over on Saturday. She & I will be putting together her wedding album (I took photos at their wedding) and making dinner for our hubbies, since it'll be "Sweetest Day." Sunday may involve pumpkin picking...We shall see.

26. I’ve come to realize the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .whatever will lighten the mood.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .are irreplaceable.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . .has flown by...

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex. . .is a pretty good guy and I hope that he enjoys his new job in Texas.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .get better about saving money.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . .cuddling, country music, makeup, cheese rolls from Labriola, tv...I really could go on for a long, long time.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .my husband's thought process.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . .has taught me some invaluable lessons.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . .were something that I really sorta missed out on in college.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .of being alone.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . .has its ups and downs, just like everyone else, but for the most part, I'm pretty happy with it.

Oh, the day from hell...

Today has just been one shit storm after another...Started off bright and early, when my alarm went off at 5. My husband so kindly (No sarcasm...I did appreciate it) hit the snooze for me, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. He was gone ten minutes later when it went off again. I got up, shut off the alarm and got my phone so I could check my email. Went downstairs, had some breakfast and a cup of coffee. Everything was going so nicely...



And then I left the house. Started out late for my dentist appointment. The place is literally less than 10 minutes from my house, but I can never get there on time. Then, I sat through an hour and a half of rooting around in my mouth, so I could get three new fillings. yay. I left there, thinking that would be the worst of it. My face was completely numb on the right side, I felt like I was drooling and was certain that when I blinked, my right eye was staying completely open.



As I drove to work, I tried to call work to let them know I was on my way. However, I was informed at that point that my service had been suspended due to an unpaid bill. awesome.



I pull into the parking lot at work, and notice that there's a lot of people milling about outside. Oh look! A fire drill. Luckily, I didn't have to deal with that in any way. I drove down into the parking garage, took the elevator up to the main floor and walked up just as the rest of my coworkers were coming in from outside. Apparently, if you behaved, you were rewarded with a sucker. No sucker for me. boo.



Just as I was getting settled in for the morning, the office phone rang. I answered it (because the programmers are too cool to answer the phone, ya know...) and it was the loan officer that FINALLY called me ysterday to say that we'd been approved for the refi and would be closing later this week. Yeah, not so much. He was calling me this morning to let me know that because we paid the September payment on October 1, we're fucked. And can I just mention that this late payment was the LOAN OFFICER'S fault!?!?!!? I started going through this shit again on September 2nd. He tells me on the 25th that we're not going to be able to close in Septmber. Dude, do you really think I have 2 grand just laying around? I had to wait until Hubby got paid, which didn't happen until the 1st. Loan officer tells me to call the current mortgage company and ask if they can help me out. I get transferred around a couple times and hung up on once. Finally, I speak to someone that I can understand. And she tells me that she'll put in a work order and I'll find out in up to 15 business days if they can remove the 30 days past due from my account. WTF? Seriously? The payment was due on Sept 1. I paid it exactly 30 days later. Please help me. I call Loan Officer back, tell him the deal and he says okay, then we just wait. super.



I call the cell phone people, have them turn my service back on, after making a payment (managed to get that taken care of before Hubby found out. Thank the LORD!). Get back to work. Manage to get some work done and then Hubby calls and is like WTF are you talking about? Why isn't the refi gonna go through? And then I have to explain the whole thing to him more than once. We get off the phone, but he's pissed. At me.



Two hours later, he calls back, much calmer, after having talked with his mom and sharing all of our business with her. Whatever. If that's what it takes to have him realize that a. this is not ALL my fault and b. he needs to accept some responsibility, then fine. Let her be all up in our shit. After we talk out the whole mortgage/bills/money thing, he starts telling me about how he wants to move the litter boxes. He wants to put them in a storage closet and put a doggy door on the door to the closet. He'll close off the back part of the closet, so that they can only get to the boxes, but not the rest of the junk in there. I didn't feel like talking about any of this, so I told him we could discuss later. Five minutes later, he sends me a text that the damn cat took another steaming shit on our bed. fuck.

I don't know what the hell is going on with that cat. He pees and poops on the furniture. This is not something new. He's been doing it for years. I don't know why. I've taken him to several vets and no one ever has any solid suggestions. Change his food. Pay more attention to him. Give him kitty valium. And my husband's suggestion...put him to sleep. Is that going to be his suggestion when his child wets the bed?

I wrote this post yesterday, at the end of a horrendous day. And then it was all put into perspective when I found out that a friend had a miscarriage over the weekend (she was about 7 weeks along). I guess that while my day was pretty darn shitty, when you look at the big picture, an unpaid bill and some poop on the bed is pretty insignificant. Here's to having a better day today.

Eulogy for Opa's Memorial Service

I typed this up on here, based on the post that I made on the morning that I found out my grandfather had passed away. This is not the exact speech that I gave - I took a couple parts out and added another story, as I was writing it down the day before the service. I cried most of the way through the speech, but felt proud that I'd been able to express my thoughts and words. For my Opa, words cannot express how much I miss you.

Good Afternoon. I think most of you know who I am already, but if not, my name is Jennifer, Iggy was my grandfather and my good friend. Especially on my birthdays and , he'd tell anyone around: 'Jennifer was always my good friend.' Omi called me a couple weeks ago and asked if I would share some funny stories from when I was a kid. I don't know that these stories are so much funny, as they are fond memories of times that I had with him.

Last weekend, I was picking up some Chinese takeout for dinner, and as I waited for my order to come up, I noticed a man and his grandson, also waiting for their food. I smiled, bittersweetly picturing Opa and me, 20 years ago, waiting to pick up our pizza. I always liked spending time with him, whether it was going to pick up dinner or waiting for Mom & Omi while they shopped or going for a bike ride around the neighborhood.

One of Opa's favorite stories to recall was an afternoon when he took me to a park when he and Omi were living in Mount Prospect. While he pushed me on the swing, his wallet must have fallen out of his pocket. Being the curious kid that I was, I noticed it and asked if he'd lost his wallet. Sure enough, it was his and while I don't remember much else from that day, I do remember how thankful he was and how proud he seemed. I don't know why that memory stuck with him so much, but it was one of those stories that he'd share as evidence of what a good friend I was to him.

Opa was always a joker. As I tried to come up with some good stories to tell about him today, so many of my memories were filled with his smile and laughter. He was the one that could make my mom laugh for no obvious reason, complete with snorting and tears. I have to admit that he had the same affect on me, as well. When I'd go stay with Omi & Opa for a weekend, at bedtime, he'd come tuck me in, and we would tell one another stories until I fell asleep. I wish I could remember what those stories were about, but they seem to have escaped me. However, I do remember laughing with him like crazy.

When they moved to Crete, Opa was my compadre a lot of the time. When Mom and I would go out with Omi & Opa, we always split up for the shopping part. Omi & Mom would go shop for whatever they needed and Opa and I would hang out. One thing that it seemed like we always forgot to do on these shopping trips was to set up a meeting place and time to get back together with Omi & Mom. I remember so many of these adventures ending with Omi showing up, ticked that we weren't where they'd left us. It never bothered Opa and me very much. We kept one another entertained with knock knock jokes. My favorite was 'Orange you glad I didn't say banana,' but his were a little less overdone than mine. He tried to teach me words and phrases in Polish, but I'm not sure they ever came out right or even what they meant - Sootfooeyiminimity...Like I said, no idea what it means, but it kept us entertained.

One summer, I took swimming lessons at a local high school with another girl from down the street. Opa drove us both to lessons and would sit in the stands, watching. He was always amazed at how much I loved the water. He thought it was the funniest thing watching this little girl jumping in the 12 foot deep water. I'd splash in, swim to the ladder and do it all over again. The other girl that took lessons with me didn't know what to call him, so she called him Opa, too. Boy, did that get under my skin. I remember thinking That's MY Opa! Not hers! She can't call him that! Only child syndrome, I suppose.

When I got a little older, Opa used to take me on bike rides all over the neighborhood. He had an odometer on his bike and we'd track how far we'd gone. Exploring new streets, riding up and down the hills by the golf course. Since Omi & Opa lived just a few blocks from our house, I could ride my bike over to their condo. I'd park in back and knock on the glass door, announcing that I was there. We would all sit down at the kitchen table, drink orange soda and play cards until it was time for me to go home. It was like having a best friend in the body of my grandfather.

After a while, I got to know the streets and I knew where I was and wasn't allowed to go, so I started to go on those long winding bike rides on my own. I thought I was so cool, riding around without a care in the world. I was about a mile from the house and out of nowhere, my front tire found a pothole and I flipped my bike, injuring myself and the bike so badly that there was no way I'd be able to ride home. After a couple moments of panic, I walked myself to the nearest house, hoping that they were home and sane, and asked to use their telephone. I called home, and in ten minutes or less, Opa showed up to bring me and my busted bike back home.

He came to my rescue on more than one occasion. When I was in high school, my first job was at a family fun center. They had, among other things, bumper boats. On one particularly slow day, I was working the boats and a man and his young daughter wanted to ride. Since there was no one else around to ride on the boats, I got in one, so that they would have someone to bump around with. After their time was up, I called them back to the dock and started to hook my own boat up, so that I could help them out. I had one foot on the dock and one foot on the boat, and before I could hook it up, the boat started drifting away from the side of the pool. I tried with all my might to pull the boat back to the dock, but before I knew it, I was in the pool, fully clothed and soaked from head to toe. To make matters worse, I just happened to be without a car that day. Again, I called home and Opa came and picked me up in my wet clothes, brought me back home to change and then drove me back to work.

Opa and I had a lot of good times together. He was so many things to me - my buddy, my chauffeur, my babysitter, my playmate, my Opa. I love him and miss him more than I can ever express. But I can't imagine that he'd want me to be sad for him. I know that he lived a long, fulfilled life and that he would have wanted me to focus on the happy times that we had. So, I'd like to close with one of our old knock knock jokes. Knock Knock! Who's there? Canada! Canada Who? Canada be the trees that fills the breeze with warm and magic perfume.

Three Weeks

Wow...I can't believe it's been three weeks, already. It's incredible to me how quickly the time has gone by.


I guess I can say that things have gotten a bit easier. Or maybe it's just easier to push those sad thoughts to another corner of my brain while I try to get other things done. Because honestly, as soon as I think about Opa not being there, tears fill my eyes and I've got to swallow a lump the size of my ass, just to keep from breaking into sobs.


Omi called on Friday and told me that she's going to have the Memorial Service on the 25th. She asked me if I would speak at the services. I told her that I would, and through her tears, she asked me to tell some funny stories from when I was a kid. I was thinking about sharing one of our old knock knock jokes and maybe some of the tidbits that I shared in my blog the morning Daddy told me he'd passed.


I don't know if I've fully come to terms with him being gone. Since we haven't had any services, it just doesn't feel real to me. The time that I've spent at Mom & Dad's house just felt like he was at his own house, while Omi, Mom & I played dice and painted Mom's fingernails. No one talked about it. No one cried. We just went about life as if nothing had changed.

I'm really nervous about speaking at the memorial. I know that it will be good for me and for others to hear happy stories about him. But it just makes me sad that he's not there to remember those stories with us. I miss him so much...It's not like I saw him all the time. Three weeks is actually a pretty short amount of time to have gone by between visits. But the knowing that he won't be there the next time...I never truly understood what it meant to lose someone. To feel that sadness. I feel like words can't even express how much it hurts...To say I'm sad about the loss...It's so understated. I'm sad that the stupid Cubs can't pull their shit together to win a series. I'm sad that I have to spend most of my paycheck every week on bills. To say I'm sad about losing Opa? It just doesn't measure up.

I have so much shit going on in my life right now. Besides dealing with this, things at work are really up in the air. The week that Opa passed, we had people from the company that is buying from Bossman Bob in the office. They talked about employment contracts and benefits and the future of the company. They've decided to sign the 18 month employment contract for the 5 core team members. I am not a part of this core team. I also get NO sort of employment guarantee or anything. They're saying that we'll all keep our jobs, but they're unwilling to extend some kind of offer (not even an increased severance package) to the remaining three of us. They keep talking about how they want to grow the business and improve the software. How everything's going to be hunky dorey. I feel like I'd have to be an idiot to just blindly believe that everything's going to be okay for me.

So, I've been looking online for job postings. Talking to friends about openings where they work. I need to update my resume pronto. My dad is worried that I'm going to wait around and get canned and then it'll be too late. It's a gamble, ya know? On one hand, I go out looking for jobs and get an offer for a really good job, paying about the same as what I'm getting now, but I start over. I'm bottom of the barrel again. I have to learn all new tasks, get to know a whole new group of coworkers, develop a new routine. On the other hand, I could stay with my current company, and if things go well, I could end up having an important role in the development of the company. If they're serious about building up the company, it'd be good to get in early, right? There's so much more room for opportunity, that's what the core 5 team members keep telling the other three of us. But it also could go terribly wrong and I could end up laid off, with three weeks severance and then what? Unemployment until I find something that's maybe as good as what I was doing/making. Hubby's income plus unemployment is not going to be enough to cover our bills. I can't wait for that shoe to drop. I need to be proactive. I need to go out and find the next big thing. And just hope that it provides a better, more stable future for myself.

Anyway, my bad for being a little all over the place. Hope everyone's doing well. I've been a terrible blogger/blog reader lately. Sorry, ya'll. One of these days, I'll get back into the swing of things. Until then...

My Old Friend

On my way to work yesterday, this song was playing. I heard the tail end of it and was immediately in tears. It really is so appropriate...




Last week was a bit rough. I spent most of Monday in tears. My whole drive home from work that night, I sobbed. I tried to talk it out, hoping that Opa would hear the words, wherever he is. Tuesday was a little better. I took the rest of the week off and spent a couple days at home with my parents and Omi. My mom and Omi are both handling the loss so much better than I thought either of them would. Granted, three days had passed between his passing and the first day I'd seen them. Perhaps they had cried it all out, too. Or maybe they were both just putting on brave faces for me. It's been over a week and while I do still have my moments where I just want to bury my face in a pillow and cry, I'm doing okay.

We haven't had a service or anything yet. My grandparents both decided that they want to be cremated. I believe Omi has an urn at home. She wants to have a very small, "by invitation only" memorial service. I don't know when it's going to be or what she plans to do.

I guess every day gets a little easier. If I just stay busy and don't think about it, everything's okay. But then I have a moment like this where I hear a song and I feel so sad all over again. I miss and love him very much...

We were always such good friends, weren't we?

Opa used to tell me that all the time: 'Jennifer was always my good friend.' He's never been a man of many words. He let Omi do all the talking for him, but he's always had such a wonderful attitude. He was always the one that could make my mom laugh. I can remember them going on for what seemed like hours, laughing at some inside joke between the two of them. He always had such a broad grin on his face and when I think about it, I really do feel like he lit up the room.

When I was little, before they moved back to the south burbs, we used to go visit Omi & Opa's house. If he happened to be working in the yard, he'd give me wheelbarrow rides around the yard. There was one occasion, where he took me to a park and while he pushed me on the swing, his wallet fell out of his pocket. Being the observant girl that I was, I noticed it and told him right away. That was one of those memories that stuck out in his head. Bringing it up every once in a while. When I'd go stay with them for a weekend, he always tucked me in at night. And we would tell one another stories until I fell asleep. I couldn't tell you what any of the stories were about, but I remember laughing with him like crazy. He had little Polish nicknames for me and was always so happy to see me.

When they moved to the area, Opa was my compadre a lot of the time. We used to go on bike rides all over the neighborhood. Exploring new streets, riding up and down the hills by the golf course. I would ride my bike over to their condo and ride up to the back door. I'd park my bike on the patio and holler in the backdoor that I was there. We'd sit down and drink bootleg orange soda and play cards or dice.

When I got a bit older, I used to go on those long winding bike rides on my own. One time, I was about a mile from the house and I flipped my bike, injuring myself and the bike so badly that there was no way I'd be able to ride home. Being that cell phones weren't around yet, I panicked. I walked myself to the nearest house and asked to use their telephone. I called home and in ten minutes or so, Opa showed up to bring me and my busted bike back home.

He also came to the rescue when I was in high school and fell into the bumper boat pool at work. I was soaked from head to toe and just happened to be without a car that day. He came and picked me up in my wet clothes, brought me back home to change and then drove me back to work.

We had a piano in my basement when I was growing up. The man had never taken a lesson in his life, but he was a natural artist. He had a tune in his head and he picked out the right keys to play the song. Later in life, he began painting. He'd just use scrap pieces of wood and paint beautiful things on them. When he & Omi asked me what I wanted from them as a wedding gift, I told them I wanted a painting from Opa. I didn't care what it was of, just that it had come from him and most importantly, that it was signed by him. They gave me the painting at my bridal shower. And I almost immediately started crying. It's a beautiful flower, and it's hung in my home ever since.

Opa passed away last night. He's been very sick for the last few months. In a lot of pain. When I went to see him a couple weeks ago, he just was not the man that has been such an important part of my life. When I turned ten, he told me that on the day I was born, he asked God to let him live long enough to see me turn 10 years old. Not only did God grant him that prayer, he gave him another 17 years in my life. Opa saw not only me turn ten, but his three other granddaughters, as well. He was there for my high school graduation, my graduation from college and my wedding day. He came out to see my first house and told me how proud of me he was.

I'm going to miss him so much.

I love you, Opa.

Ignatius Bernard Kowalsky
4/12/22 - 9/19/09

So...I'm on the hunt...

This week has just been a bad week. I'm ready for the weekend, already!!!

On Monday, we found out that Bossman Bob received a new offer for our company. (To catch up on the whole story, go here, here and here.) The new offer is much closer to what he was asking and it looks like he's going to take it. The three "managers" (who are really just programmers who've been here the longest) and one of the other programmers, who's been with the company for about 6 years, spent most of the day in our conference room, while JB and I worked in the office. When they came back to the office, they told us that basically we're looking at a buyout in the next 60 days or so. So, now the next step is to work with the new company on employment contracts - basically to make sure we all still have jobs. I asked one of the managers (Messy) if he thought this was going to be good or bad and he said that he thought it'd be a good thing for the company and for the software. The company that is buying us is much bigger, has more resources and has a better vision for the future.

JB was more interested in the contract negotiation, though. She asked when we'd be talking about it and Messy simply said that the "group" (the four programmers plus one more programmer who works part time) would be discussing it, but that everyone (the only remaining employees are myself, JB & one other programmer who's been here about a year) would be protected.

So, we both went about our business. Monday came and went. About halfway through Tuesday, the "group" were kind of talking in the office about benefits and whether or not they all approved of this or that. It was the kind of conversation where you know there's something not being said. So, JB went snooping. And very easily found a document that the "group" had put together. This document basically outlined our "demands". In it, the "4.5 core members" of the team would be guaranteed 18 months employment, whereas the "other 3 employees" get a 6 month contract and a chance to train for new roles.

I feel like they're throwing us under the bus. And I also feel like if JB hadn't gone snooping, we never would've known what was coming. She told me she asked one of the other managers this morning (Barbie) about what was going on and Barbie DID tell her about the 18 month/6 month variance. She said that the 5 of them have been with the company for longer and blah blah blah. JB and I have been here for 3 years, doesn't that count for something? I just feel like they're looking out for themselves and if we happen to keep our jobs in the process, that's super duper.

On one hand, if I were in their shoes, I would understand, but since it's my ass on the line, it makes me angry. And it makes me resent them for not looking out for the whole team, like they'd originally said they would. I know I've complained about my job and how I'm bored (and I am), but when it comes down to it, who wants to look for a new job in this shitty economy? Well, I do, since who knows if I'll have a job come next spring.

I called my dad last night and talked with him about the whole thing. He told me (and I was already planning) to update my resume and start looking for new jobs immediately. So, I have. I started doing some preliminary career builder searching last night. I'm going to contact my alma mater and see if they have some sort of placement assistance. It's just incredibly stressful. My dad also pointed out the fact that even though they're asking for six months for us, the buyer might say hell to the no, they get two weeks and then hasta la bye bye.

I need to think positively about the situation. A new job means new opportunities. New friends. Possibly a shorter drive to work. Maybe more moula. It's also terrifying.

By the end of the night yesterday, I was okay, though. I'd come to terms with it, I was psyching myself up about the potential goodness of this change.

Let me rewind just a second. A couple weeks ago, I posted about how I'm on this shitty ass late schedule and I hate it and couldn't wait til I could go back to my regular hours, remember? So, last night, I sent an email to the three managers, basically saying now that it's slowed down, I'd like to go back to the early hours. Messy had already left for the day, so Bouncy told me to remind them today. I send a reminder email this morning, and the response is basically that they want me to work 9-5 (or later) from here on out. WTMF???? I never wanted to work these hours. I got FUCKED because all of a sudden we need later coverage?

As much as I love JB and I'm happy for her that she's going to school and shit, it's her fault. She used to work the late shift and I had the early one. I liked it that way. I hate leaving work at six and not being able to do anything after work. I get home at 7 or later. I seriously cannot get a damn thing done working these hours. So, now that she has an unmovable schedule, I'm stuck with the shit hours. It's just bullshit. It just pissed me off to no end this morning. There's nothing I can do about it. I tried to hint to JB when I told her about it that it might be nice for her to work the late shift when she doesn't have class on T/Th, but she's got a kid at home. I can't ask her to be away from her child every night of the week. And as I'm typing those words, the other side of me wants to say it's HER choice to go to school three/four nights a week. Why do I have to sacrifice for her? Because I'm not a bitch. Because I let people walk on me. Because that's life. Suck it up and eat it.

So....Moral of this pissed off story is...If you know of anyone that's hiring in the Chicagoland area, give me a shout. I'm a smart girl; I learn quickly; I'm good with numbers and grammar. I'm a good team player. And I need a new job...Soon.