I was chatting with a friend yesterday online, and she was asking how I'm doing...Asked about work and the house and the baby making and life in general. And I couldn't help but gush. Everything is really good right now. And as I'm prone to do, I keep waiting for the shit to hit the fan. But so far, so good.
I feel like my relationship with Hubby has really taken a huge step in the right direction. We're getting along well, we spend time together on the weekend, he's been acting right and overall, I'm just happy with the way things are going with us.
The house is great, and although it's never as clean as it could be, it's clean enough. :-) I planted some pretty flowers yesterday while Hubby mowed the lawn. I made an excellent dinner and I'm really proud that my cooking skills are constantly improving. I think for a while, I was more concerned with finding a new dish every time I cooked. But I'm starting to learn that it's not always about newer, but it's about perfecting the things that you like. It's always been a challenge to find meals that I could make that don't come frozen in a box that Hubby would enjoy. I've got about 5 different meals that I can make for him that I know will get good reviews. It's definitely time to start looking for a 6th to put into the mix.
Babymaking is going well. Hubby IS ON BOARD. We made a good, solid effort this month and I'm still waiting to find out if it worked. Aunt Flo was supposed to arrive on Friday, and there's no signs that she's on her way. But I'm hesitant to get excited. This isn't the first time I've been a few days late and I really just don't want to crush that hope quite yet. I haven't taken a test yet. I feel like jumping the gun will jinx it. I know how absolutely silly that is. I know that if I am pregnant, taking a test now as opposed to next weekend isn't going to change the outcome. But...I dunno... I've been saying prayers that are supposed to help concieve and praying to the patron saint of pregnany (St. Gerard) and just wishing & hoping real hard. :-)
In other news, I started making a new friend in the choir. Her name is Kimberly and she seems very nice. She's probably about my age and sits next to me in rehearsal & mass. Last week, at rehearsal, we got a chance to talk a bit and get to know one another. I hate that I'm shy when first meeting a person. Not that when prompted, I don't answer. Just that I can't get it together to strike up the conversation. If you start it, I promise, I'll chat your ear off. It'll be nice to make a new friend that actually lives nearby. My BFF is really my only friend that lives within 45 minutes of my house, so it'll be cool to have another person to hang out with, assuming it gets to that point.
Anyway, life is good. I hope that it stays this way. I hope that life continues to go in the positive direction that it has been. :-)
Showing posts with label baby-making. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby-making. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
He hears me...
But I don't know if he understands me.
Each weekend seems to be a different "discussion." Last weekend, it was the baby discussion. I really tried to stress to him how important this is to me. That the whole baby making process is not going to be easy for us. We're both overweight and quickly heading to our 30's. Now is the time.
Hubby talks a lot about "CJ." CJ is what we will name our first son. Hubby talks about him on a regular, probably daily, basis. Things that we will and won't do with/for/to him. But there's this huge issue...In order for CJ to come to fruition, we have to have sex. And recently, Hubby has decided that sex is too much like "work" to be bothered. He basically said he can get the same end result in 5 minutes time, without having to get all sweaty and tired. Dude, really? Way to make your wife feel good about herself. I tried to talk about the whole thing with him. He says he agrees, now is the time. But I don't see him making any efforts to change things.
So, this weekend, the "discussion" was about spending time together. I feel like I have a roommate, not a husband. He sits upstairs, playing video games and doing whatever he's doing all weekend. I go downstairs and watch tv and cook and clean and go out for this reason or that reason. When he's hungry, he comes down to the kitchen, finds some food and takes it all back up to the office with him. Now that he's working 2nd shift, he stays up later than I do and sleeps later than I do.
Yesterday, I told him that I would like for us to spend some quality time together. I tried explaining to him that just because we're in the house together at the same time, that doesn't make it time spent together. I tried to tell him that sleeping next to one another doesn't count. I told him that I don't like feeling like we just exist in the same place. I told him I'm not happy about it. That I feel like at the very least, he should be able to pull himself away from the game and eat a meal with me. I cook the dinner and he comes and gets a plate and then takes it back upstairs. I'm left to clean everything up and eat alone. It just sucks. I feel like it shouldn't be this way. His response is that this is how his parents were. He tries to tell me that my parents & grandparents didn't have "quality" time together, either. That they all did their own thing. Yes, you do your own things, but then at some point, you get together and enjoy one another's company. I mean, otherwise, what the hell is the point? He doesn't see a problem with it. He thinks that this is perfectly normal and okay and I'm supposed to "outgrow" this need for anything more than cohabitation.
He thinks the problem is that I need him to give more attention. And he's right. But he doesn't give it to me in the way that I want and need. He thinks wrestling with me for ten minutes before going to sleep counts as paying attention to me. He thinks waking me up when he gets home (an hour or two after I've already gone to sleep) and talking at me about his day for a half hour is enough.
He wasn't always this way...We used to do things. We used to go places together. See a movie, go out for dinner, go camping, drive around, watch tv, play games. Now, it's like we have nothing in common anymore. I try to suggest things that we could do together, and he shoots each one of them down.
I just keep asking myself, What are we doing? What are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?
Each weekend seems to be a different "discussion." Last weekend, it was the baby discussion. I really tried to stress to him how important this is to me. That the whole baby making process is not going to be easy for us. We're both overweight and quickly heading to our 30's. Now is the time.
Hubby talks a lot about "CJ." CJ is what we will name our first son. Hubby talks about him on a regular, probably daily, basis. Things that we will and won't do with/for/to him. But there's this huge issue...In order for CJ to come to fruition, we have to have sex. And recently, Hubby has decided that sex is too much like "work" to be bothered. He basically said he can get the same end result in 5 minutes time, without having to get all sweaty and tired. Dude, really? Way to make your wife feel good about herself. I tried to talk about the whole thing with him. He says he agrees, now is the time. But I don't see him making any efforts to change things.
So, this weekend, the "discussion" was about spending time together. I feel like I have a roommate, not a husband. He sits upstairs, playing video games and doing whatever he's doing all weekend. I go downstairs and watch tv and cook and clean and go out for this reason or that reason. When he's hungry, he comes down to the kitchen, finds some food and takes it all back up to the office with him. Now that he's working 2nd shift, he stays up later than I do and sleeps later than I do.
Yesterday, I told him that I would like for us to spend some quality time together. I tried explaining to him that just because we're in the house together at the same time, that doesn't make it time spent together. I tried to tell him that sleeping next to one another doesn't count. I told him that I don't like feeling like we just exist in the same place. I told him I'm not happy about it. That I feel like at the very least, he should be able to pull himself away from the game and eat a meal with me. I cook the dinner and he comes and gets a plate and then takes it back upstairs. I'm left to clean everything up and eat alone. It just sucks. I feel like it shouldn't be this way. His response is that this is how his parents were. He tries to tell me that my parents & grandparents didn't have "quality" time together, either. That they all did their own thing. Yes, you do your own things, but then at some point, you get together and enjoy one another's company. I mean, otherwise, what the hell is the point? He doesn't see a problem with it. He thinks that this is perfectly normal and okay and I'm supposed to "outgrow" this need for anything more than cohabitation.
He thinks the problem is that I need him to give more attention. And he's right. But he doesn't give it to me in the way that I want and need. He thinks wrestling with me for ten minutes before going to sleep counts as paying attention to me. He thinks waking me up when he gets home (an hour or two after I've already gone to sleep) and talking at me about his day for a half hour is enough.
He wasn't always this way...We used to do things. We used to go places together. See a movie, go out for dinner, go camping, drive around, watch tv, play games. Now, it's like we have nothing in common anymore. I try to suggest things that we could do together, and he shoots each one of them down.
I just keep asking myself, What are we doing? What are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Christmas Just Isn't What It Used to Be, and then some
Today was Christmas at my parents' house. It was not the best holiday gathering...Not a bad one, just a definite sense of sadness in the air. Hubby and I sat in the living room, chatting with my dad for a bit when we first arrived. After while, he helped her out of bed and we all sat by the Christmas tree, opening our gifts. We all tried to remain light hearted, but Omi was definitely having a difficult time. Little things set her off, and seeing the pain that she was feeling, just made my heart ache.
The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.
I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.
We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.
Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.
I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.
Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!
We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.
What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???
I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.
But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:
1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.
2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.
3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?
I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.
I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!
The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.
I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.
We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.
Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.
I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.
Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!
We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.
What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???
I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.
But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:
1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.
2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.
3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?
I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.
I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The upside of new shifts...
So, like I've mentioned, I hate this shift. But the more I think about it, it's really not that terrible. Let's make a list of GOOD things about working 10-6.
- My alarm doesn't go off until 6am. My internal clock wakes me up before this anyway, so I'm much more likely to actually get up on time.
- I have time to take a walk in the morning. Three days in a row! Go me!
- I have time to eat breakfast, shower, do my hair AND makeup and still have 20 minutes to read (or do some other randomness) before I have to leave.
- It only takes me 50 minutes to get to work.
- Lunch happens relatively early in the day
And while we're at it, let's discuss Hubby's new shift...
- I have someone to eat dinner with
- I'm not alone in the house all night long
- I don't have to deal with him being a crabass when he wakes up because I'm still sleeping!
- I get to bed by 9:30 or 10 because I don't have to worry about getting him out the door
- We go to bed together, which means I'm much more likely to get some! :-D Yay for baby making. lol...
Today's the first day that we're both working our new shift. Hubby was off work on Monday and I was off yesterday. I think this may end up being a really good combo for us. He seemed to like being on 1st yesterday, so that's a good thing. We'll have to give it some more time and see how it goes, but overall, I'm trying to stay very positive.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Geez...Another one...? Really?
Hmmm...This post started as one thing and has completely progressed into another.
So, I found out today that another one of my sorority sisters is pregnant. That makes three (that I know of) that are currently prego and two more that just had babies in the last year. Seriously? WTF Man?
So, to make myself feel better, I decided to try to come up with reasons why I'm glad I'm not prego:
So, I found out today that another one of my sorority sisters is pregnant. That makes three (that I know of) that are currently prego and two more that just had babies in the last year. Seriously? WTF Man?
So, to make myself feel better, I decided to try to come up with reasons why I'm glad I'm not prego:
- I can drink a whole bottle of wine tonight to drown my sorrows
- I don't have to go out and try to find maternity clothes for my already large body
- I can spend money on
myself, my husband and my catsa new ac compressor, rather than diapers and formula - I...theoretically can sleep through the night in whatever position I find comfortable
- I......can't come up with anything else.
Yeah, that list is short. And shitty. Here's my other list, which trumps the one above a million times over.
Reasons why I'm NOT glad that I'm not prego:
- I want a family.
Ugh.
Today, my friend and I went to lunch together. She's a pretty skinny minnie and a nice girl, I'd say she's one of my closest friends right now. She's taking a nutrition class, required for the nursing program that she's trying to get into. And this nutrition class is killing me. Every time she has class, the next day, she comes back telling me about how many calories she should be eating and how she's way over that number. And how her body fat % (or some shit like that) is just below where it should be. And how to lose weight, you just need to reduce your calorie intake and increase your exercise.
Girl, I've been fat my whole life. Do you think this is news to me? Do you think if it was as easy as putting down the gallon of ice cream and running around the block, don't you think I'd do that? For 25 years, I've been steadily getting fatter. Every time I try to lose weight, I do okay in the beginning and then I fall off the proverbial wagon. Despite my above statement, I don't sit in front of the tv with a bucket of ice cream for days on end. I think I eat okay - not the best, but it's not like I go to McDonalds for every meal. My biggest problem with food is portions. I make something that I like and I eat way too much of it.
And with exercise...Ew. I hate sweat. JB (my friend from work) asked me if I wanted to go outside to the nearby park for lunch today. I looked at her like she was insane and responded with a definite no. She said to me 'But it's so nice out. It's not as humid.' I replied with 'Let me remind you. I get to hang out with the 90 degree weather on my drive home every day. I sweat buckets just sitting there. I have no desire to come back to work after that.' And she tells me that sweating is good for you and that she, in fact, likes to sweat. Let me reiterate...Sweat = ew. I feel gross and smelly and once you go back inside and it dries, then I feel all grimey. Ew. No thank you. She conceded. We went to Ditka's and had Tuna Nicoise Salads. Pretty yummy, although if she hadn't been lecturing me about losing weight discussing her nutrition class with me, I would've ordered the chicken parm.
This rant about weight and food and exercise is related to the original topic. Majorly. Three reasons. 1. We don't have a lot of sex. I don't feel attractive anymore (I'm at my heaviest right now) and Hubby is far too engrossed in his game to notice when I try to initiate. 2. When we do have sex, who in Jehovah knows if I'm ovulating. My period's all wonky (related to my weight). 3. Even if we were having sex regularly or when I'm supposedly ovulating, it's terribly difficult for someone of my size to get pregnant.
So, anyway, I'm feeling a little boo hoo about it. I'm feeling angry about it. I'm feeling ... I dunno. I wish I could say inspired, but I feel the opposite. When I think about losing weight, I think about how much weight there is for me to lose and I'm discouraged. There's this GIGANTIC mountain in front of me and all I can think about is how hard it's going to be to get to the top. How absolutely impossible it looks. I think of all the sweating and how many times I'm going to fall down and the exhaustion that will go along with it. And I don't even take the first step. I'm just content to sit here at the bottom and wait for my jetpack to instantly appear on my back and take me to the top.
I don't know what I need to motivate myself. I don't know how to look at the mountain and say okay, there's a rock about 10% of the way to the top. Get to the rock. And then look for the next rock. And the next. I want to make it to the top. Hell, I'd be thrilled with myself if I could make it halfway or even 25% of the way up the mountain. I quite obviously know what needs to be done, I just can't find it in myself to do it.
I want it to be easy.
I want it all to be easy. Losing weight. Getting pregnant. Paying the bills. Getting the car fixed. Work. Life.
Grow up.
I'm rambling and the inner voices are starting to come out. Looks like it's time to put this incoherent mess to rest. Maybe the lesson here is that easy isn't always best. Sometimes, you really do have to work for what it is that you so desperately want in your life...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Joy...And envy...
This week's You Capture topic over at I Should Be Folding Laundry is Joy. I didn't take any photos for this week's challenge. I kept on trying to think of things that really bring me joy, and I was at a loss. That's not to say that I don't have things that make me happy...Spending time with friends, cooking/eating a nice meal, hanging out with Hubby, playing WoW (sometimes), having a clean house...They all make me happy, but I just can't come up with anything that really makes me feel joyous. I haven't looked at any of the other posters' photos, but I have a feeling that many of their ideas of joy will be photos of their beautiful children with huge smiles... Which, as of late, has the exact opposite effect on me.
Unfortunately, so much of my time is spent feeling envious. A good majority of the blogs that I read (and really ENJOY) are written by women that are mothers. I found out this weekend that two of my sorority sisters are pregnant. I feel like every time I turn around, someone else is having a baby. And I feel so ... jealous. I want to be happy for everyone. And I am. And I wish them all the best. But at the same time, I can't help this feeling of why not me? I know I have time (though not as much as I'd like). And as an old friend put it 'good things are worth the wait.' But haven't you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? And you just sit and watch so many others around you that have been blessed with this amazing gift?
Hubby says he's not ready. I don't believe him. He were trying two years ago. He made the announcement to our families that we were going to start trying to get pregnant. And then I don't know what happened. Maybe he came to his senses. Or maybe he freaked out. Or...I don't know...
It's not like we're using any kind of protection. I've been off the pill since we got married. He's never used anything. I try to keep track of my cycle, and Lord knows that when I think I'm ovulating, I make the first move. But it's obviously not enough. I don't know if the problem is with me - For a long time, my periods were very irregular. I saw a doctor about a year ago, who gave me a prescription which got me back on track. But I never went back to the doc. I don't know if I'm actually ovulating. And then Hubby...Like I said, he doesn't use any protection. But he does have this habit that's said to lower a man's sperm count...
I'm almost two weeks late. I was quite sick on Tuesday - stayed home from work. I was kind of excited and really should've waited, but I peed on the stick anyway. It came back negative. So, am I just stressing myself out, thinking about it all the time, and that's what's causing me to be late? Maybe the test was wrong? (Insert wishful thinking here) Yesterday, when I came in to work, I was talking about it with my girlfriend in the office, and she went and googled signs of pregnancy. She was asking which symptoms I was experiencing. Some I had, others I didn't.
I just want this so badly. I hate feeling so envious. I keep trying to tell myself that in time, it will happen. Just keep on keeping on and you'll get there. My parents were 30 when they had me, so I guess I have time. But I'm tired of waiting.
Unfortunately, so much of my time is spent feeling envious. A good majority of the blogs that I read (and really ENJOY) are written by women that are mothers. I found out this weekend that two of my sorority sisters are pregnant. I feel like every time I turn around, someone else is having a baby. And I feel so ... jealous. I want to be happy for everyone. And I am. And I wish them all the best. But at the same time, I can't help this feeling of why not me? I know I have time (though not as much as I'd like). And as an old friend put it 'good things are worth the wait.' But haven't you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? And you just sit and watch so many others around you that have been blessed with this amazing gift?
Hubby says he's not ready. I don't believe him. He were trying two years ago. He made the announcement to our families that we were going to start trying to get pregnant. And then I don't know what happened. Maybe he came to his senses. Or maybe he freaked out. Or...I don't know...
It's not like we're using any kind of protection. I've been off the pill since we got married. He's never used anything. I try to keep track of my cycle, and Lord knows that when I think I'm ovulating, I make the first move. But it's obviously not enough. I don't know if the problem is with me - For a long time, my periods were very irregular. I saw a doctor about a year ago, who gave me a prescription which got me back on track. But I never went back to the doc. I don't know if I'm actually ovulating. And then Hubby...Like I said, he doesn't use any protection. But he does have this habit that's said to lower a man's sperm count...
I'm almost two weeks late. I was quite sick on Tuesday - stayed home from work. I was kind of excited and really should've waited, but I peed on the stick anyway. It came back negative. So, am I just stressing myself out, thinking about it all the time, and that's what's causing me to be late? Maybe the test was wrong? (Insert wishful thinking here) Yesterday, when I came in to work, I was talking about it with my girlfriend in the office, and she went and googled signs of pregnancy. She was asking which symptoms I was experiencing. Some I had, others I didn't.
I just want this so badly. I hate feeling so envious. I keep trying to tell myself that in time, it will happen. Just keep on keeping on and you'll get there. My parents were 30 when they had me, so I guess I have time. But I'm tired of waiting.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Crazy Dream, Pt 2
So, after posting about my crazy dream, I googled dream interpretation, and the first hit was Dream Moods. I did a little searching around this site, which has a very extensive dream dictionary, sorted by topic, alphabetically. I suppose it's all very subjective, but I thought some of it was very interesting.
1. Dreaming of the home your grew up in - signifies your desires for building a family of your own. SO VERY ON TOPIC!! It's the utmost thing on my mind lately. So, this does not surprise me in the least.
2. Patio (this was as close as I could find to sunroom) - this symbolizes your openness toward a particular situation. So, I'm thinking in combination with the first topic, this is again, right on track. So far, I'm understanding what my subconscious (did I spell that right...? It looks funny) is saying.
3. Falling & being fearful (I figure if the guy was plummeting to his death, he'd be fearful, but I, as the on-looker, was not really scared, just thought it was all strange...And also, I knew that the precariously perched pole was going to cause problems before anything even happened. I mean, who wouldn't!) - signifies a lack of control, insecurity and/or lack of support in your waking life. So...Would this mean that I'm fearful of not having control over the situation of the baby making? Because, I guess that makes sense. My biological clock is ticking so loudly that it's really all I can think of a lot of the time. And Hubby just isn't there with me. He wants babies, or so he says, but I don't think he's ready to give up being a child, himself. And he's certainly not willing to give up certain habits that, let's say, are inhibiting his swimmers.
4. Death - to see someone dying signifies your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. This is where I'm having a tough time...I mean, I didn't know the guy. He was just some random worker guy that feel through the roof of my parents' house. So, it's not like I have a relationship with him. I don't know what to make of this part. Am I feeling like our opportunity to have a baby is "dying"? I do have a feeling like it's never going to happen, sometimes, though...?
5. Glasses - (I felt this was significant enough to remember - I oughta look it up.) Signifies a need for a clearer view of a situation; Misunderstanding which needs to be seen more clearly. I dunno if this was really all that important...I just found it odd that I noticed her glasses in the midst of this whole thing. Rose doesn't normally wear glasses, so this was weird, too. So, someone that's not in the middle of the whole thing seems to have a more clear view of the problem...?
Speaking of someone that's not in the middle of the whole baby-making thing who might have a clearer view...Hubby's mom gave me some lotion/perfume/shower gel for my bday that I find exceptionally offensive. It's called Pheromone something or other, which I thought was kinda strange coming from her. I didn't tell her that I didn't like it. I just don't do that. I thanked her and told her it was nice. Hubby said he kinda liked it, but I wasn't sure if he just said that because it came from his mom or what. So, I guess while she was at the house this weekend, she asked him if I'd been using the stuff. He told her that he didn't think I really liked it, but that he did. She said 'Yeah, that's the idea. I'm getting antsy about the whole grandbaby thing!' Soo...Maybe I should try the pheromones...? lol!!!
1. Dreaming of the home your grew up in - signifies your desires for building a family of your own. SO VERY ON TOPIC!! It's the utmost thing on my mind lately. So, this does not surprise me in the least.
2. Patio (this was as close as I could find to sunroom) - this symbolizes your openness toward a particular situation. So, I'm thinking in combination with the first topic, this is again, right on track. So far, I'm understanding what my subconscious (did I spell that right...? It looks funny) is saying.
3. Falling & being fearful (I figure if the guy was plummeting to his death, he'd be fearful, but I, as the on-looker, was not really scared, just thought it was all strange...And also, I knew that the precariously perched pole was going to cause problems before anything even happened. I mean, who wouldn't!) - signifies a lack of control, insecurity and/or lack of support in your waking life. So...Would this mean that I'm fearful of not having control over the situation of the baby making? Because, I guess that makes sense. My biological clock is ticking so loudly that it's really all I can think of a lot of the time. And Hubby just isn't there with me. He wants babies, or so he says, but I don't think he's ready to give up being a child, himself. And he's certainly not willing to give up certain habits that, let's say, are inhibiting his swimmers.
4. Death - to see someone dying signifies your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. This is where I'm having a tough time...I mean, I didn't know the guy. He was just some random worker guy that feel through the roof of my parents' house. So, it's not like I have a relationship with him. I don't know what to make of this part. Am I feeling like our opportunity to have a baby is "dying"? I do have a feeling like it's never going to happen, sometimes, though...?
5. Glasses - (I felt this was significant enough to remember - I oughta look it up.) Signifies a need for a clearer view of a situation; Misunderstanding which needs to be seen more clearly. I dunno if this was really all that important...I just found it odd that I noticed her glasses in the midst of this whole thing. Rose doesn't normally wear glasses, so this was weird, too. So, someone that's not in the middle of the whole thing seems to have a more clear view of the problem...?
Speaking of someone that's not in the middle of the whole baby-making thing who might have a clearer view...Hubby's mom gave me some lotion/perfume/shower gel for my bday that I find exceptionally offensive. It's called Pheromone something or other, which I thought was kinda strange coming from her. I didn't tell her that I didn't like it. I just don't do that. I thanked her and told her it was nice. Hubby said he kinda liked it, but I wasn't sure if he just said that because it came from his mom or what. So, I guess while she was at the house this weekend, she asked him if I'd been using the stuff. He told her that he didn't think I really liked it, but that he did. She said 'Yeah, that's the idea. I'm getting antsy about the whole grandbaby thing!' Soo...Maybe I should try the pheromones...? lol!!!
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