Three Weeks

Wow...I can't believe it's been three weeks, already. It's incredible to me how quickly the time has gone by.


I guess I can say that things have gotten a bit easier. Or maybe it's just easier to push those sad thoughts to another corner of my brain while I try to get other things done. Because honestly, as soon as I think about Opa not being there, tears fill my eyes and I've got to swallow a lump the size of my ass, just to keep from breaking into sobs.


Omi called on Friday and told me that she's going to have the Memorial Service on the 25th. She asked me if I would speak at the services. I told her that I would, and through her tears, she asked me to tell some funny stories from when I was a kid. I was thinking about sharing one of our old knock knock jokes and maybe some of the tidbits that I shared in my blog the morning Daddy told me he'd passed.


I don't know if I've fully come to terms with him being gone. Since we haven't had any services, it just doesn't feel real to me. The time that I've spent at Mom & Dad's house just felt like he was at his own house, while Omi, Mom & I played dice and painted Mom's fingernails. No one talked about it. No one cried. We just went about life as if nothing had changed.

I'm really nervous about speaking at the memorial. I know that it will be good for me and for others to hear happy stories about him. But it just makes me sad that he's not there to remember those stories with us. I miss him so much...It's not like I saw him all the time. Three weeks is actually a pretty short amount of time to have gone by between visits. But the knowing that he won't be there the next time...I never truly understood what it meant to lose someone. To feel that sadness. I feel like words can't even express how much it hurts...To say I'm sad about the loss...It's so understated. I'm sad that the stupid Cubs can't pull their shit together to win a series. I'm sad that I have to spend most of my paycheck every week on bills. To say I'm sad about losing Opa? It just doesn't measure up.

I have so much shit going on in my life right now. Besides dealing with this, things at work are really up in the air. The week that Opa passed, we had people from the company that is buying from Bossman Bob in the office. They talked about employment contracts and benefits and the future of the company. They've decided to sign the 18 month employment contract for the 5 core team members. I am not a part of this core team. I also get NO sort of employment guarantee or anything. They're saying that we'll all keep our jobs, but they're unwilling to extend some kind of offer (not even an increased severance package) to the remaining three of us. They keep talking about how they want to grow the business and improve the software. How everything's going to be hunky dorey. I feel like I'd have to be an idiot to just blindly believe that everything's going to be okay for me.

So, I've been looking online for job postings. Talking to friends about openings where they work. I need to update my resume pronto. My dad is worried that I'm going to wait around and get canned and then it'll be too late. It's a gamble, ya know? On one hand, I go out looking for jobs and get an offer for a really good job, paying about the same as what I'm getting now, but I start over. I'm bottom of the barrel again. I have to learn all new tasks, get to know a whole new group of coworkers, develop a new routine. On the other hand, I could stay with my current company, and if things go well, I could end up having an important role in the development of the company. If they're serious about building up the company, it'd be good to get in early, right? There's so much more room for opportunity, that's what the core 5 team members keep telling the other three of us. But it also could go terribly wrong and I could end up laid off, with three weeks severance and then what? Unemployment until I find something that's maybe as good as what I was doing/making. Hubby's income plus unemployment is not going to be enough to cover our bills. I can't wait for that shoe to drop. I need to be proactive. I need to go out and find the next big thing. And just hope that it provides a better, more stable future for myself.

Anyway, my bad for being a little all over the place. Hope everyone's doing well. I've been a terrible blogger/blog reader lately. Sorry, ya'll. One of these days, I'll get back into the swing of things. Until then...