Ten Days...

It's been ten days since my best friend lost her 10 week old son...


I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.

Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.

Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong. 

The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial.  Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves.  I could not possibly tell her no.  I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask.  This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me.  She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli.  She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go.  Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service.  Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli.  There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm.  But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head.  I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....' 

After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby.  And again, I didn't shed a tear.  All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me.  I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters.  When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time.  I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them.  And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her. 

And the support from these girls still continues.  After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch.  We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son.  I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received.  Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June.  Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed. 

A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her.  These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed.  They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly.  We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.

I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening.  We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon.  Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him.  It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.

I love ya, Little Man.  Love, Auntie Jen

I'm praying for a miracle

My best friend & her 2 month old son need your help.  I can't do this alone. 

Yesterday, Eli (the baby) was hurt.  His father was feeding him and the baby fell from his arms.  He hit his head and lost consciousness and subsequently stopped breathing.  By the time the ambulance had arrived, there was a significant loss of oxygen to the brain.  They performed emergency surgery yesterday to relieve the hemmoraging and swelling, but things are not looking good.  Eli is in critical condition in the PICU and the doctors are not giving him much of a chance to get through this.  There is zero brain activity and he's hooked up to a bunch of machines, including a ventilator.  Tomorrow morning, they're planning to take him off of the vent to see if he will breathe on his own.

This poor little baby.  He's so perfect and tiny and the closest I will ever come to having a nephew.  And my best friend - I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that she's going through right now.  I only know how helpless I feel; being the best friend and seeing how much pain she is in and not being able to do anything to help her.  I don't know how to help her, other than to be there for her and continue to let her know that I love her and I'm praying with all my heart for her and her son.

I can't begin to know what you all believe or what you can do, but any positivity you can offer is most appreciated.  Prayers, positive vibes, good karma - she & Eli need it badly.  I'm being as strong as I possibly can for her and I know she feels hopeless right now, but I just have to have faith.  I'm praying for a miracle tonight.

Jinxed! And stuff...

Stupid Girl!  I got all bragadocious about my nice, clear skin yesterday.  Not two hours later, I had TWO new pimples.  I blame it on the hormones associated with AF.  Yep.  That's it.  :-)

I am super excited about Mother's Day this weekend.  I came up with a fantastic idea for my Omi (Grandmother) & Mom.  For Mom, I'm going to take an old photo and get a nice frame for it.  That's a little bland, but I'm sure she's going to like it.  But I'm really excited about the gift for Omi.  My mom's brother has three daughters, so altogether, Omi has four granddaughters.  I was thinking of giving her some kind of jewelry with our four birthstones, but that shit isn't cheap.  So, I continued thinking about it and the perfect idea just hit me.  I sent an email to my cousins, and asked all three of them to send me a nice pic of themselves, and I'll take one of myself (I would have Hubby do it, but he is terrible at taking pics of me.  He has a knack for making me look like I'm about 200lbs more than I already am.  Or maybe I'm just a lot more adept at hiding it...Anyway...).  I'm going to get a frame with four slots and get it engraved with a quote that Melissa shared with me once upon a time "A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend."

I told my cousins I'd sign their names to the card, as well.  I just know she's going to LOVE it!  I would have liked to get together with girls and take a pic of the four of us together, but one of the girls lives in Nebraska, and hasn't been back to Illinois in a LOOOOOOOONG time.

I'm having lunch at Omi's on Sunday with my Godmother (mom's cousin Sandy) and her mom.  And then we'll all go over to my parents' house to hang out for a while.  I'm thinking about maybe getting my mom a plant, too.  We'll see how much I spend on the frame and whether or not I get it engraved, too.  Hubby is going to hang out with his mama, too.  But she's working until 3, so he's going to go hang at her house (probably sleep) until she gets off.  Chances are that I'll end up over there, too.

Anyway, I'm stoked about the weekend.  Tomorrow, I'm making a roasted chicken & veggies for dinner and working on the gifts for Mom & Omi.  And Sunday, we'll be "down south" all day. 

You say it's your BIRTHDAY!

Today is my best friend's birthday.  Today begins the last year of her 20's.  And for the next two months and three days, I will be younger than her.  And I'll make sure to remind her of this.  Often.  :-)

Terrie has been such a big part of my life for the last six years.  She helped me to come out of my shell in college.  She helped me to realize that there was much more to life than sitting in my room, playing on the computer or watching tv (not that those are terrible things...believe me.  I still spend way too much time doing both.).  She has truly become the sister that I never had.

She's been a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh until I cry with.  She has been the person to tell me what I need to hear, whether I like what she's got to say or not.  She has been my confidant and my cheerleader.  She stood by my side, as I vowed to my husband.  She spent countless nights just sitting and watching tv with me.  She showed me that with determination, you can achieve your goals.  She is my best friend. 

I am so glad that she has come back home and I don't know what I would do if she ever left again.  I still don't see her as often as I would like, but once a year is just unacceptable. Terrie, if you decide to leave again, I will cut you.

Life has thrown her some curve balls, but she is a strong woman who I believe is capable of anything.  In four months, she will become a mother and I'm so excited for her.  Being that Hubby and I are both only children, Terrie's children are really the closest I feel I will ever come to having nieces/nephews.  I can't even express the happiness that I feel for her.  I am overwhelmed with feelings of excitement!  I am chomping at the bit to start planning her baby shower and I can't wait until the day that little man in born.  I will be at the hospital, in all my Auntie Jen-ness. 

Terrie - I just want you to know how very important you are to me.  I hope that your birthday is everything that you want it to be.  I hope your man spoils you rotten in whatever ways you like - candy, flowers, sex...You know, the whole shebang.  I hope that beautiful step daughter of yours realizes what a lucky little girl she is to have you in her life.  I hope you win a scratch off Lotto ticket for a million bucks.  I hope your little sea monkey comes out in a ninja outfit and a kippah.  I hope your life can be drama-free, if only for a day.  I hope 29 candles grace your cake for the rest of your birthdays.  And I hope you know that your best friend loves you more than words can ever EVER express.

Lost in YouTube...

So, I'm relatively new to the whole YouTube phenomenon. I mean, I've known what it was and occasionally, I would go there if I was looking for something in particular. But I've been spending more time lately just clicking around. There's some really stupid shit. And some really bad stuff. And then there's some really good stuff.

Today, I somehow got the idea to look for karaoke songs. Which led to two hours of me singing one random song after another. Good times. I then started looking up some oldies, but goodies. Fabulous Thunderbirds, Tom Petty and then this gem. I absolutely adore this song. Easily one of my top 10 favorite songs of all time.



It literally brings me to tears everytime. Even if I listen to it two or three times in a row. The one real memory that I have of this song, a guy named Brian requested it at one of our high school dances for his girlfriend, Jenny. Not me and my ex Bryan, but I imagined that it was, as we danced together. That couple isn't together anymore, either. But just the sentiment behind the song does it to me. It's like a fairy tale. And it makes me wonder if there really are men out there that feel this strongly about the women that they love. *sigh*

In other news, the reason that I was able to sing along with my newfounnd karaoke songs in my kitchen tonight is that Hubby is working this week. And he worked last week, too. I'm super excited about that. And what excellent timing. One of my coworkers is getting married down in Peoria this weekend (about a three hour drive from our house), so we're getting a hotel room and getting sloshed. Should be good times getting drunky with some of my current and past coworkers. I found out today that the groom-to-be was kind enough to not seat me and O.B. at the same table. He'll be at the other table of current and former coworkers. I'm also going to get my HURR DID on Wednesday. I'm getting the same color that I've been getting for a while (a dark brown all over and super dark purplish lowlights). But I'm getting a "gloss" on top of that. Which is supposed to make it super duper shiny for a longer time. And she's got some coupon code that's gonna make the gloss free! Woot! Love FREE!

I'm very excited about getting out of the house with Hubby for the weekend. And I'm excited about getting to dress up. And spend some time with my coworkers outside of work. I wish JB was coming, but her little one will only be a month old on Friday, so she's decided to stay home. Probably a good call. :-) Anyway...That's all for now. Hubby will be home shortly and I really should be getting bed. I hope everyone is doing well!

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Okay, maybe not ever, but it really was a nice weekend. And I had every intention of telling everyone all about it yesterday and then stupid work got out of hand. I was actually required to focus on my job. :-P

Oh, but today is another story. I have the time to tell you all about my fantastic weekend today!

It started with Friday...I decided to take a half day on Friday. Initially, I thought we were going to have my mother-in-law over for Easter dinner this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I gave myself plenty of time for cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. Then Hubby decided that he didn't want to do all that work (Pfft...Yeah, like he'd really be doing the work...), so we decided that we'd join the rest of the family at his aunt's house for the holiday. But I'd already requested the afternoon off, so I wasn't about to reneg on that.

So, I took the afternoon and did some shoe shopping!! I've really wanted to get some cute flats - something with a print, like a zebra or leopard print. Or some funky color. I'd bought some super cute ones from Kohl's the weekend before, but didn't try them on until I got home and found that they didn't fit. So, I returned those and then headed out to Shoe Carnival. I tried on probably 20 different shoes. They were all either too big or too small or not wide enough. I finally found a cute pair of silver flats. They weren't exactly what I'd had in mind, but they were close enough.

After shopping for like 3 hours (how the hell does the time go so quickly????), I finally headed home, made myself a tasty dinner and got ready to... Wait for it... GO OUT! My BFF has made some friends in her new town and she invited me to hang out with them on Friday night. We called another one of our girlfriends and she actually came out with us, too. I have to admit, I have a minor crush on one of BFF's buddies, so that's always fun. Last time I went out with all of them, I had a good time, but when you have to drive 30 minutes home, it's a bit restricting. So, I asked Hubby, if I could find a ride out to the bar, would he come pick me up. At first, there was some resistance, but he eventually said he would come get me. Even if it meant he had to go home for a while and then come back out to get me.

So BFF came out to get me and we hung out with all her people. It was a great time. Her friends are all very nice; a lot of fun! They convinced me, after quite a few shots, to sing at karaoke, which was alright. I get super nervous singing in front of people. I get all shaky and my voice sorta dies. But I think I did alright. Everyone said what a nice job I did, but I'm a firm believer that what people say and what they mean can be very different things. Hubby came to get me and, to my amazement, came in the bar and met everyone. I later found out that if I'd asked, he would have stayed and hung out for another hour until the bar closed. But I was ready to go. There was a minor amount of drama with BFF and her boyfriend, and I was kinda bored by that point. And I was really happy that Hubby was being so...social!!

We went home and had ourselves a nice, halfway drunken time. :-)

Saturday, we slept in and then spent most of the day (IN THE SAME ROOM!!!), watching tv together. I made tacos for dinner and a carrot cake for Sunday dinner. It was a very nice day, just spent relaxing together.

Sunday, I went to Easter mass. Boy, was it crowded!!! I'm so glad that I remembered about the twice a year Catholics! I got there early enough to find a seat close to the choir. Next week, I intend to go and talk to the choir director after mass and ask him about joining. I've been putting it off because of my stupid shyness, but this is really the reason that I chose this church. I was so impressed with the choir and really want to be a part of it, I need to just get the guts up to introduce myself and ask about joining! So, the plan is to talk with him this Sunday. Say a little prayer for me for some courage, would ya? :-)

After mass, I came home and woke up Hubby. We got ready and went off to his aunt's house for dinner. Both of her kids (our age) and their kids were there. As were my mother-in-law & her boyfriend and Hubby's other aunt & uncle. It was a very full house, but it was really nice. Highlights of the day:

• Four year old Maddie told me that I look like Hannah Montana with glasses. Thanks, Kid! Now if only I could fit into Hannah Montana's clothes!
• Aunt Laura & Maddie's conversation about how Aunt Laura lost one of her fingers:
• Aunt Laura - I was driving and there was a deer in the road.
• Maddie - And he bit it off???
• Watching Hubby take care of Maddie's 9 month old brother while their parents ran to the store for a while. Everyone kept telling how good he looked with a baby on his lap.

We got home around 8 and watched a movie together before I headed to bed. Nothing extraordinary happened this weekend, but it was so nice. Hubby decided on Friday that he wasn't going to buy a bag of green, that he's ready to be done with it, so I was really expecting a grumpy, mean asshole. But he completely surprised me. He was super sweet and we had a great weekend together. I definitely didn't think that he heard me the week before, when I complained that we never spent time together. That I was lonely and hated feeling like we were just coexisting in the same space. And then he shows me that he really DID hear me!!! What a nice surprise!!!

I hear you, loud and clear!!!

So...In this post, I was debating over whether to go with a cherry blossom tree or a magnolia for the tattoo that I was to get as a memorial for my dear Opa. I've been going back and forth on it since then and because I don't have the extra cash for such a tattoo, I'm just dreaming of it.

And then the answer hit me today like a punch in the gut.

I got a card from Omi in the mail this morning. It's a Happy Easter card; Love, Omi (seeing that signature without '& Opa' is heart wrenching, btw). Included in the card is $10 and a newspaper article. I went down to visit them last weekend after my bookclub meeting, and she asked me if I had intentions of planting any flowers this spring. I told her that I wanted to, but that last summer, I proved to be very bad about remembering to water my flowers. That was pretty much the end of that conversation. So, I open the newspaper article and here's what it was


As soon as I read the title, it was like all of the wind was knocked out of me. I was immediately (and still am) choked up. There was no note from her, as to why she sent me this article. I never mentioned the tattoo or the idea or have ever said anything to her about it. In fact, she'd probably ream me for thinking about getting another tattoo, if I said something ahead of time.

I just know that this is from Opa. I feel like he is telling me through Omi that I should go with the magnolia.

Just yesterday, I was having a bit of a down day. I had a moment of doubt, thinking, what if this life is really ALL there is. What if he's just gone? And then I get this obvious sign that he's still with me. That he's paying attention. Thanks for that, Opa. I really did need it.

His birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. He would have been 88 on April 12th. I really wish that I could do this on/around his birthday. My friend at work and her husband have recently had some tats done and I really think he does good work. I think I might send the guy an email and give him an idea of what I want to do and see if he can give me an idea of what it'll cost. I was going to ask another friend's husband to draw it up, since he's a really good artist, but I have another, smaller piece that I want to do later that I think he'd be good with. I think this one would be better left to a tattoo artist. Maybe this piece could cost less than I'm expecting (wishful thinking, I suppose) and I could get it done for Opa's birthday.

I'm at about 50%...

I always end up all over the place in these posts...I have so much to say, and just want to tell you everything! Perhaps if I posted more than once every two weeks, I wouldn't feel the need to jam it all into one post. Oh well. I do. Get over it. :-)

In one of my more recent posts, I discussed resolutions. I've been doing quite well with the church one. I've gone to mass every weekend since the beginning of the year. Granted, that's only three weeks, but it's 2 more weeks than the last time I thought I was ready to go back. And frankly, I don't see myself slacking on this one. I feel really good about it. That first Sunday, I went back to St. Charles Borromeo (SCB), the church that sort of reminds me of my old "home." It's about the same size and probably about the same age. They've got a choir (which is very important to me - I NEED to get back singing) and it's the closest. But I wanted to check out some of the other churches in the area, to make sure that I find the one that is right for me.

So, for the last two weeks, I attended mass at St. Mary's. I don't think I've ever seen a Catholic church this big. When I pulled into the parking lot, I literally out-loud, to myself, exclaimed 'Holy Crap!' It looked enormous to me. Inside is beautiful. Very, very large. It was built in 2001, so it has these modern-ish features. I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable in a parish that is so enormous. I've always enjoyed being a part of small things - small church, small(ish) high school, small colleges, small company. It does seem like St. Mary's has a lot to offer, including a choir (and a youth group that is looking for adult volunteers!). But I have to admit, I feel a bit overwhelmed there. And to be perfectly honest, the pews are really uncomfortable. lol They're low to the ground, and I find it near impossible to kneel on the kneelers. Maybe a silly con, but a con still.

This coming weekend and the week after, I'm planning on going to St. Catherine's, which a bit further (maybe 15 or 20 minutes from home), but I've heard a lot of good things about it. My aunt/uncle/cousins live in the area, so I asked for some suggestions. My aunt and cousin highly suggested this one, saying that they have a nice choir, youth programs, and while it's not a small church by any stretch, it's not as gigantic as St. Mary's. One of my coworkers told me that this is the church that she grew up going to and says that she likes it much more than SCB, where she had her children baptized. I'm really excited to go to mass at St. Catherine's on Sunday. I'm hoping that this one will be the perfect fit for me.

My second resolution - keeping better track of my sugar levels - is going okay. I'm testing at least once a day (supposed to do twice a day). I'm often surprised to see how high it is. Especially in the morning. I guess knowing is part of the battle, though. If I know it's high, I can be better prepared to combat it.

My final resolution - the same one that I have had every year since I was probably 9 - is stagnant. I just don't have motivation. I'm not hashing this out again. I'm just sayin...1.5 out of 3 isn't too bad, right? :-/

In other news, my birthday was a week ago today. It was really a fantabulous birthday! Seriously, best birthday in years. I must have gotten about 200 emails/facebook posts/blogs wishing me a happy birthday. I spent some extra time that morning and curled my hair, wore my favorite sweater and was ready for a happy day. Hubby texted me and told me to get home by 4, so that we could go to dinner. I got to work and my coworkers had decorated my desk (it's a tradition to do this, and usually I'm the one in charge of remembering bdays and buying a card & balloon). They got me the COOLEST balloon! It's bigger than your standard mylar balloon and it's clear! (I used to collect balloons in high school...Yeah, I'm an oddity of sorts...) I got to leave work a bit early, so I did a bit of shopping. Then went to dinner at Olive Garden with the Hubs. It was really a great day. It doesn't take much.

I spent a good part of Saturday working on my resume. I've finally decided to stop being passive about the whole situation and hoping that it gets better. I sent it to my dad, who gave me some suggestions on improving it, so I'm intending to update it later this week and perhaps start applying for some job openings next week. I'm nervous about it, but I need to at least see what's out there.

Today is 4 months since Opa passed. I still get choked up (and usually in tears) on a pretty regular basis. Songs do it for me a lot of the time. My birthday was kinda tough. But I guess I'm doing better. I talk to him a lot. Especially when I got teary eyed. I do feel his presence and I know he's always listening. So I take those moments to tell him how much I miss him and love him.

Hubby asked to go back to 2nd shift yesterday. He thinks his 1st shift boss is out to get him. I don't know what to think. He has a bad track record with authority figures (as in he pisses off his boss for some stupid shit and gets fired...), so if he thinks the boss might be heading down that road, then I'm supportive of the 2nd shift. I was really liking him on 1st, though. It's nice to spend time with him before bed. And to actually sleep with him at night. And to wake up together. I told him that I would've liked him to stay on 1st, but not if it means that he's going to end up without a job!

I think that's all I've got on news...I may be posting a meme next...We'll see. I really should be working right now. But I'm at a bit of a standstill with work tasks, so meme-ing sounds a lot more interesting. :-)

Christmas Just Isn't What It Used to Be, and then some

Today was Christmas at my parents' house. It was not the best holiday gathering...Not a bad one, just a definite sense of sadness in the air. Hubby and I sat in the living room, chatting with my dad for a bit when we first arrived. After while, he helped her out of bed and we all sat by the Christmas tree, opening our gifts. We all tried to remain light hearted, but Omi was definitely having a difficult time. Little things set her off, and seeing the pain that she was feeling, just made my heart ache.

The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.

I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.

We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.

Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.

Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!

We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.

What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???

I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.

But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:

1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.

2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.

3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?

I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!

Memories

Today was Opa's memorial Service. Omi held it at the church that she attends. There were a couple of hymns sung and bibles verses read. After the Gospel and meditation, I was called up to give what I understand now to have been his euology. When Omi asked me to speak, I didn't realize that i'd be the only one. I also didn't realize how difficult it would be to read those words in front of so many people. I found myself focusing on the people who matter so much to me - Omi & my parents. It wasn't so much the words that were hard to say. What made it so difficult was Omi's eyes, staring into mine. I wanted her to know how sorry I am for our loss. I made it through my speech, though barely breathing and choking on a lump in my throat.

After the service, a lot of people came up to me and told me what a nice job I'd done. I thanked them, feeling good that I'd been able to share a little bit of what an amazing man he was to me. A number of people also commented on how brave I'd been to do that. I never even thought of it being about bravity. Omi asked me and I couldn't have imagined saying anything other than yes. Opa always complimented me on how well he thought I did with public speaking. I was able to project my voice and he, terribly hard of hearing, even with hearing aids, was able to understand what I was saying. He used to watch the baseball games on tv with the sound muted because all he could hear was noise. But when I spoke, he was able to hear me loud & clear. I feel like my getting up there today would have made him proud. I feel like he would've given me a pat on the shoulder and said 'That was pretty good, Jennifer. You did a nice job.'

Hubby did a great job. He made sure that he was ready on time, we left early and were 30 minutes early at the church. He held my hand and reminded me to breathe. When I finished speaking, and got back to my seat, that's sort of when I lost it. I just held his hand and tried to keep myself from sobbing.

I felt so many things as I sat in that church today. I felt such grief and sadness for myself. For my uncle, as I watched him with his head down, crying into his hands. For my dad, who so admired and loved his father-in-law. For my mom, who felt as much love and devotion from her father as I do mine. And for Omi, who I suspect I am a lot like. I felt anger toward my uncle's ex wife and her fake ass boyfriend. I felt sympathy for my cousins for not having the opportunities to know Opa like I did. I was so grateful for my husband and for Melissa.

At the luncheon, a family friend, Herbie, took the microphone and wanted to tell a little story about some shenanigans that went down at my wedding. Omi had stayed at my parents' house with my mom during my wedding reception because my mom was just not strong enough to be there. In order to let my dad be there, Omi stayed with Mom. And since Opa was dateless, Herbie grabbed his fancy dancy camera and had Opa go around to every table and each woman took a picture, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Herbie said that he later found out that Opa said it'd been one of the happiest days of his life. lol

"Opa at my wedding"

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My Old Friend

On my way to work yesterday, this song was playing. I heard the tail end of it and was immediately in tears. It really is so appropriate...




Last week was a bit rough. I spent most of Monday in tears. My whole drive home from work that night, I sobbed. I tried to talk it out, hoping that Opa would hear the words, wherever he is. Tuesday was a little better. I took the rest of the week off and spent a couple days at home with my parents and Omi. My mom and Omi are both handling the loss so much better than I thought either of them would. Granted, three days had passed between his passing and the first day I'd seen them. Perhaps they had cried it all out, too. Or maybe they were both just putting on brave faces for me. It's been over a week and while I do still have my moments where I just want to bury my face in a pillow and cry, I'm doing okay.

We haven't had a service or anything yet. My grandparents both decided that they want to be cremated. I believe Omi has an urn at home. She wants to have a very small, "by invitation only" memorial service. I don't know when it's going to be or what she plans to do.

I guess every day gets a little easier. If I just stay busy and don't think about it, everything's okay. But then I have a moment like this where I hear a song and I feel so sad all over again. I miss and love him very much...

We were always such good friends, weren't we?

Opa used to tell me that all the time: 'Jennifer was always my good friend.' He's never been a man of many words. He let Omi do all the talking for him, but he's always had such a wonderful attitude. He was always the one that could make my mom laugh. I can remember them going on for what seemed like hours, laughing at some inside joke between the two of them. He always had such a broad grin on his face and when I think about it, I really do feel like he lit up the room.

When I was little, before they moved back to the south burbs, we used to go visit Omi & Opa's house. If he happened to be working in the yard, he'd give me wheelbarrow rides around the yard. There was one occasion, where he took me to a park and while he pushed me on the swing, his wallet fell out of his pocket. Being the observant girl that I was, I noticed it and told him right away. That was one of those memories that stuck out in his head. Bringing it up every once in a while. When I'd go stay with them for a weekend, he always tucked me in at night. And we would tell one another stories until I fell asleep. I couldn't tell you what any of the stories were about, but I remember laughing with him like crazy. He had little Polish nicknames for me and was always so happy to see me.

When they moved to the area, Opa was my compadre a lot of the time. We used to go on bike rides all over the neighborhood. Exploring new streets, riding up and down the hills by the golf course. I would ride my bike over to their condo and ride up to the back door. I'd park my bike on the patio and holler in the backdoor that I was there. We'd sit down and drink bootleg orange soda and play cards or dice.

When I got a bit older, I used to go on those long winding bike rides on my own. One time, I was about a mile from the house and I flipped my bike, injuring myself and the bike so badly that there was no way I'd be able to ride home. Being that cell phones weren't around yet, I panicked. I walked myself to the nearest house and asked to use their telephone. I called home and in ten minutes or so, Opa showed up to bring me and my busted bike back home.

He also came to the rescue when I was in high school and fell into the bumper boat pool at work. I was soaked from head to toe and just happened to be without a car that day. He came and picked me up in my wet clothes, brought me back home to change and then drove me back to work.

We had a piano in my basement when I was growing up. The man had never taken a lesson in his life, but he was a natural artist. He had a tune in his head and he picked out the right keys to play the song. Later in life, he began painting. He'd just use scrap pieces of wood and paint beautiful things on them. When he & Omi asked me what I wanted from them as a wedding gift, I told them I wanted a painting from Opa. I didn't care what it was of, just that it had come from him and most importantly, that it was signed by him. They gave me the painting at my bridal shower. And I almost immediately started crying. It's a beautiful flower, and it's hung in my home ever since.

Opa passed away last night. He's been very sick for the last few months. In a lot of pain. When I went to see him a couple weeks ago, he just was not the man that has been such an important part of my life. When I turned ten, he told me that on the day I was born, he asked God to let him live long enough to see me turn 10 years old. Not only did God grant him that prayer, he gave him another 17 years in my life. Opa saw not only me turn ten, but his three other granddaughters, as well. He was there for my high school graduation, my graduation from college and my wedding day. He came out to see my first house and told me how proud of me he was.

I'm going to miss him so much.

I love you, Opa.

Ignatius Bernard Kowalsky
4/12/22 - 9/19/09

How Hubby Came to be Hubby, Pt. 2

Find Part One here!

One night, after dropping B (the high school sweetheart) off at home, and having nothing better to do, I drove around for a while and then called C (now Hubby). I asked what he was doing and if he wanted to hang out. He said he was grounded, but that I could come over if I wanted to. I decided that I would and showed up at his house 15 minutes later. His mom wasn't home and he didn't want to bring me in the house, due to the grounding. So we sat on the front porch, talking while it got dark out. Every once in a while, his dad would holler out the window that he was grounded and needed to say goodnight. C would beg for a few more minutes and we'd continue to talk.

It was a cool fall night and had just started to drizzle a bit. He was sitting behind me on the front steps and had been rubbing my neck and shoulders (when you're 17, this is apparently the best move ever. I wish he'd rub my effing neck every once in a while now...I could really use some stress relief now and then!) and I can remember holding my hair up, out of the way, so he'd stop pulling my GD hair. lol And then he kissed my neck. And that apparently opened the floodgates and was the perfect way to get me to turn around and kiss him back. Even now, as soon as he puts his face in that crook of my neck, all bets are off.

We kissed in the rain for a while and then his dad had had enough. It was time for C to go inside and me to go home. Of course I liked it, but I was ashamed that I'd just kissed another boy while I was with B. I felt guilty and just flat out shitty about it, so I tried to cut off ties with C. I stopped calling him and when he'd call the house and someone else would answer, I'd ask them to tell him I wasn't home. I started referring to him as "Stalker C," but that didn't change the fact that after teaching CCD on Saturday mornings, I'd usually drag Mel over to MickeyD's where he worked, so I could pretend like I didn't like feeling his eyes on me. And it didn't stop the fact that I'd drive by his house whenever I was out cruising, hoping maybe he'd be outside and see me drive by. Now that I think about it, maybe I was the stalker...:-/

After a while, though, I think C got the hint and stopped calling. And we stopped going to MickeyD's and he mostly disappeared off my radar. I still drove by his house on occasion. But that wasn't special for him...I drove by a lot of boys' houses. What? There's not a whole lot else to do when you're 17 and living in a small town.

B and I broke up in March of my senior year (completely and totally unrelated to C). And prom was slowly creeping up on me. Being newly single, I didn't know what to do. I considered calling C and asking him, but ended up going with another friend instead. I graduated from high school, got accepted to a college about an hour from home and was working a part time job at the mall that summer. I was having a good time dating (I use that term loosely...It was more like screwing) a few guys and I was not really looking for a boyfriend. I was happy to be on my own for the first time since I was 13.

And then, one day in August, I was driving home from work and noticed a shiny black car going around the corner, as I waited for the light. I mean, who doesn't notice a nice clean car and hope that some cute boy is going to be driving it? And also hope that said cute boy might notice me and smile. As soon as the car completed its turn, I saw C in the driver's seat, and he saw me. We locked eyes for a moment and I knew that he'd be calling me later that day. And sure enough, by the end of the night, he'd managed to remember my phone number and gave me a call.

The rest of that summer was spent with early morning breakfast dates (he worked overnights - got off at 6am and would call and wake me up for breakfast at the ass crack of dawn...The stupid things we do for boys that we like...) and little white lies to my parents about where I was spending the night (Mel, you may or may not have been my cover story a few times...).

Today is our 9 year "anniversary". On August 7, 2000, after a day spent probably hanging out at C's house, watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and a dinner of Tuna Helper (*GAG*), he drove me home and we sat in his car, in the street, all of the front windows of the house blocked by the large evergreen in the front yard. C thought tickling was cute, and as I bucked and pushed to get him to stop, I punched him square in the lip. Tickling ceased immediately. And he says 'Now I'm going to have to go to work and explain to everyone how my girlfriend gave me a fat lip.' I looked at him and asked 'Girlfriend?' and that was that.

Just a note, you'd think he'd learn that when we wrestle, he's the one that's always going to get hurt. When I'm defending myself, I'm not going to hold back, fat lips, ripped eyebrow rings, bruises, Indian burns, scratches and the like have been his fate. But that's another story for another day.

Anyway, Happy "Anniversay" Hubby.

Not that I'd EVER encourage you to read my blog...I'm just sayin...:-)

A vibrating WHAT?

This morning, as I'm putting my makeup on, I vaguely remember seeing a commercial last night for a vibrating mascara....

I had to Google it to make sure I didn't dream it.

And sure enough, Maybelline has created Pulse Perfection, and here's what the website has to say about this new product:

Why You'll Love It:

• It’s our first vibrating mascara. Transforms your lashes to perfection.
• Patent-pending elastomer brush vibrates 7,000 times per stroke
• Provides clump-free definition, intense color, and shine
• Waterproof; also available in washable formula
• Builds lash volume, length, and adds curl
• Buildable formula
• Ideal for All Skin Types
• Contact lens safe

Really? We can't just wiggle the wand by ourselves anymore? All I see is poking myself in the eye with this vibrating stick. No. No thanks. I'll handle it on my own, thanks...

On a completely unrelated note...I watched "More To Love" last night - thank you internet for making tv shows available to me after the fact. The premise of this Fox show, if you haven't heard about it, is like a Bachelor show - one guy, 20 women, all looking to find love - but rather than the size 2's that you see on the Bachelor, these women are "average" sized. The guy is 6'3" and 300+ lbs and the woman all have curves. Some Most even have rolls! And double chins. And guess what! They're still beautiful...some of them anyway. And the ones that I found unattractive were not so because of their size, but because of their personalities or their attitudes or they were just really not cute.

The show aired on Tuesday night, so I read a couple reviews of the show yesterday, before watching, and they were mostly negative reviews. It seemed that these other bloggers (who I'm not entirely fond of, I have to admit...Obviously, I'm all for Fat Acceptance, but to what extent...? I think some of the "Fatosphere" has blown things out of proportion - no pun intended) felt like the show was a bit contrived and that the guy was corny and that there was too much crying...So, I went into watching the show as if I wasn't going to like it.

Overall, I enjoyed the show. I found it very similar to the Bachelor - I didn't think that Luke was any more or less corny than any other guy that's been on the show (or any other guy that's hit on me, for that matter).

I did think that some of the girls were a little overly emotional in their solo interviews, but I can understand why they might be. They've spent so much of their lives feeling like they're not good enough. A number of them said they'd never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, didn't go to prom...On one hand, I feel bad for them. It sucks to be 20 something years old and never have experienced what it's like to go out on a nice date. Or to never have been in a relationship. But on the other hand, I feel like these girls are all so pretty. And I know from experience that there is a plethora of men out there that will date a fat girl. Sometimes, you just have to put yourself on the line. Be confident that whether you weigh 120, 220 or 320, you can still be a beautiful person. And if someone can't see past the extra flesh or a few stretch marks, then they aren't worth your time. Have a good cry that Mr. X doesn't like you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out and find the next object of your affection.

I'm going to be excited to watch how this show goes. And I'll be excited to see if they do a "Bachelorette" version next.

White Knot

This morning on my favorite radio show, Drex did a segment on gay marriage and civil unions. And I cried.

Who am I (or anyone else, for that matter) to say whether or not Bob and Fred should be allowed to be married. I recognize that the Church doesn't support gay marriage. And that's fine. But why shouldn't two men or two women be allowed to go to a courthouse and be married?

There's so much hate and animosity in the world. Why do we have to stifle what little love actually survives?

Every time the topic of gay marriage comes up, I'm flooded with emotions. I feel so bad for the people who aren't allowed to marry the man or woman that they love. Why does it matter to someone else? It isn't fair and it's time to change.

At one time in this country's history, people weren't allowed to marry outside their own race. Women couldn't vote. And enough people realized that these issues were unfair and unfounded. I think it's time to do the same for this issue.

In my right sidebar, there's a link to White-Knot.org. Go there. Show your support. Lets help make a change for the better. Please!

The story of how Hubby came to be Hubby, Part 1

I met Hubby when I was 16...Eleven years ago. I was at a high school football game with Spunky (previously mentioned here as the best man at another friend's wedding). I dont think that I ever actually watched a football game when I was there. It was more about the atmosphere and being with my friends. Seeing what everyone was up to and who was making out with who. And the night that I met Hubby was no different.

Spunky and I were meandering around and ran into our friend, whom I will refer to as Bennet. Bennet was there with his friend C, now known as Hubby. So, we chit chat for a while with Bennet & C, and then C starts trying to act like he's got game. He was apparently trying to teach Bennet how to be slick with the women, by demonstrating on me - the only female in the group.

He starts getting close and rubbing my shoulders. Did the whole whisper-in-the-ear thing. Whatever a 17 year old boy (definitely was still a boy at that point in time) can come up with. And I have to admit - I LOVED the attention. Some guy that I'd just met was seemingly all into me. It didn't matter that he was just "showing Bennet how to flirt." I was the center of attention and what girl doesn't love that?? I did have a boyfriend at the time, but he could never go out on Friday nights - family commitments - so while I did feel a bit guilty, I was mostly not concerned with that. At the end of the night, C whispered something to Spunky about me, and refused to tell me what it was. I blew it off, knowing Spunky would fill me in later. We said our goodbyes and I figured that was it. Spunky and I went back to my car and he immediately told me that C had said something vulgar about the degree of moisture in my pants and how he'd be the cause and that totally ruined the whole experience. I was so irritated and didn't mind if I never saw the guy again...Or at least that's what I said.

A month or two later, C showed up at the play that our high school was doing (Spunky, Bennet & I all went to one school - C went to another. Bennet & I were involved with the theater. C came to support Bennet.) and during intermission, I was in the lobby selling baked goods. C noticed me and came up and started talking. He asked for my phone number and for whatever reason, I decided to give it to him. That began a series of long, late-night phone calls (for which I usually got in a lot of trouble. The rule was no phone after 9pm. C and I often talked til 1 or 2 in the morning.). I liked talking to him. He was always very flirty and made me feel great about myself. Very early on, he began telling me that one day he'd marry me. Don't go thinking he's some psychic...He was just saying whatever he could to get me to stay on the phone with him a little longer. While we continued to have these long phone chats, I still was dating B, though I doubt that he knew about my "friendship" with C. That being said, I always made it very clear to C that I loved B and that I was intending to marry B. C didn't care. He was, if nothing else, persistent.

More to come soon...

I'm terrified...and exhausted

Uh, warning...This has weepy written all over it...

I feel like the majority of my life has been spent preparing myself for my mother's passing. Watching her for the last 20+ years and the steady decline kinda does that to a person. Soon after my mom was diagnosed with MS, her parents moved from the north burbs back down to the south burbs to be close to us and to do whatever they could to help out. For most of the life that I remember, Omi & Opa (grandma & grandpa in German) were less than a ten minute drive away, if not closer. They've been an enormous part of my life. They filled in the gaps where my parents couldn't. And I value the relationship that I have with them more than words can express.

My dad sent me a text on Saturday afternoon to tell me that Opa went into the hospital on Thursday. At first, I was more pissed at my dad than anything else. Why would he wait three days to tell me this? But that passed and I was more worried than anything else. Opa's been having some pain in his side/back for maybe a month or so, and the doctors decided that they wanted to run some tests. He can't take pain medications of any kind because they make him violently ill. So, his options are to be in pain or to be bent over the toilet. The docs felt that they could do these tests more easily and make him more comfortable if he were in the hospital, rather than at home. They admitted him on Thursday and apparently were running tests all weekend. He came home from the hospital yesterday with bad news. He has bone cancer.

We don't really have much more details than that. He's supposed to start radiation soon and that's about all I know. My grandmother is a very emotional person (geez, i wonder where I get it from...) and it's very difficult to get any information from her when she's upset. She gives this small snippet of info (bone cancer, radiation) and then breaks down, refusing to talk about it anymore.

My dad didn't call me to tell me this information last night. No, instead, he texts it to me while I'm at work today, but only because I texted and asked how Opa was doing first. I'm pissed at my dad, but that has to be put aside. So much more than that, I'm scared. Not having any info is horrible. I don't know if they've caught it early. I don't know what kind of bone cancer it is, though after doing some google research, I'm pretty sure I could guess. He's had cancer before, maybe 15 years ago, of the prostate. But I was young. I didn't know what it all meant and frankly, everyone tried to keep kept me in the dark. I knew that it was going on, but that was the extent of it. I'm sure my parents and g'parents were trying to protect me. Now, being some sort of an adult, they have to let me in. And now I know the severity of cancer. And what it means. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if knowing would make it any better. I mean, what if it's really bad? What if the reason that they're not doing surgery is not just that he's 87, but that it's not just in the bones, but is spreading? Then what? How would that be better?

All day, when I wasn't focusing on something else, or even when I was trying to focus on something else, all I think about is him. I keep pulling out all these memories of him from the back of my brain. Things that I had all but forgotten about. And it just makes me sad. In all that time preparing myself for my mom to go, I never thought about the natural progression of life. I never thought of Omi or Opa going first.

When I told Hubby that Opa was in the hospital, he didn't say much. I told him how I was sad about it and how I hadn't really considered it. And he pointed out the fact that Opa's had a good, long life. And he's right. Eighty seven years is a long time. He's been married to Omi for close to 60 years. They have a daughter & son and four granddaughters. He's had a great, successful life. But that doesn't make it any easier for the people that love him. That doesn't make me any less sad for myself. Hubby told me 'Wouldn't you rather see him go before he's beyond himself? Do you want him to be in pain?' Well, no. I definitely don't want to see him in pain. And I don't want him to be unhappy in any way. But again, that doesn't make me feel better. How terribly selfish that sounds.

Maybe Hubby has some insight that I don't. He's been through this before. Both of his grandparents and his dad passed away before we even started dating. They were all pretty young, and all died from various cancers. My other grandfather, on my dad's side, passed away 7 years ago. And I was sad when that happened. But for different reasons. I don't feel like I ever knew him. I was sad that we didn't have a closer relationship. I was sad for my dad and couldn't imagine how he felt. Aside from him, the closest losses I've had were a girl that we went to school with in junior high, a friend of the family in high school and Mel's Gram last summer.

Hell, I don't even know that he's dying. But bone cancer just sounds so...heavy. Anyway, please say a prayer, if you do that kind of thing. My tears have temporarily dried up, so I'm going to head outside to make dinner. I'm sorry if I've been Debbie Downer here tonight, but I needed to get it all out...

Bad night...

Geez, was tonight a bad night for Hubby & me. We used to have nights like these every night. Where I couldn't wait for him to leave and then as soon as he was gone, I was hysterical. I'd go through cycles of feeling sorry for myself, to despising him, to a sense of calmness. I'd yell at him, though he wasn't there. I'd sob. I'd undoubtedly end up with a headache at the end of it all. After about an hour of that, I'd get to feeling...I'm not sure the word. Not guilty, but...just like I wanted some sort of resolution. So, I'd call him (most of the time, these fights end with him leaving for work or hanging up on me) and try to apologize and smooth everything over. Sometimes, it would work, most of the time, it wouldn't and we'd just go on being irritated with one another.

And then about six months ago, we finally had it out. In our own ways. We had another one of these nights where he ranted and raved about how unhappy he was. And he didn't hold anything back. He laid it all out on the table. And as much as I was feeling the same way, I didn't want to own up to that, but I did want to make sure that we fixed the problem. A couple days later, as I was driving to work, I told him how I was feeling and that while my feelings were related to the lack of intimacy and feeling loved, the outcome was the same, that I was very unhappy. We were stuck in this downward spiral, he was pissed because he felt like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, so he was slacking on his. And vice versa.

After these two conversations, we both started making an effort to make things better. And they have been. So much much better.

And then tonight we had one of our old arguments again. It was over something that isn't trivial in the present, but in the big picture, it's really stupid. One of the lessons that my dad taught me early on in life is to pick and choose your battles. I'm really laid back and I pretty much let things roll off my back. It takes a lot to really get me to a point where I'm ready to put up my dukes (figuratively...I've never once literally put em up).

But once Hubby gets going, there's no stopping him. One little thing, on top of another, on top of another...They all just snowball and he starts nit picking. You bought the wrong cleaning solution. You need to take the cat to the vet. You always give me the same two things in my lunch. I want something other than ham. There's a pile of papers on the table. The sky is blue... And after a while, I stop listening. I can only take so much before I start feeling sorry for myself and tune him out. And that's when he decides that he's going to leave because 'what's the point in staying here, talking to the wall?' I hate when he leaves like this because I can't stand to leave this feeling of uneasiness in the air.

In the past, this was where things were left until the next day, when we'd start all over again. So, you can see how the frustration just continued to build and build until we got to a point where we weren't really even speaking. We'd be in a room together all weekend and only speak when we absolutely had to.

Tonight was different though. He stormed out of here like always, and then ten minutes later, he called and ...

apologized.

Wait. I need to read that again.

In the almost ten years we've been together, there haven't been many apologies from him. Especially not for things like this. Sure, he's apologized for the really big things that he did to wrong me. And he's said he was sorry for the little things that don't matter. But something like this, where a confession that he blew something out of proportion or that he's taking out his bad mood on me, those have been very few and far between. It was nice that he did. I didn't get the message until a half hour after he'd left it, which made it better. I called him back and he reaffirmed that he was partially in the wrong. I thanked him and assured him that I heard what he was upset with me about.

I think that's how an argument is supposed to happen. At the end of it, everyone's supposed to have a mutual understanding of what the problem was and how we can fix it. And that should be the end of it. It shouldn't carry on to the next day or the next argument. I'm rambling. The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm glad that it ended the way that it did and I still love my husband and everything's going to be okay.

Puppy Love - I had a lot of it!

I don't know about you, but I was always looking for or in a relationship. For as long as I can remember. Before I hit high school, I had been in love more times than I can count on one hand.

When I was three or four, my best friend, Rambo, was my next door neighbor. I spent most of my days playing with him and sometimes his older brother, Mario, would join us. We spent a lot of time playing in the backyard. Rambo would bring his He-Man action figures over and I'd want them to fall in love with my Barbies. I think Rambo could've done without the lovefest, but whatever. I'm a girl! Sometimes, when it was really hot out, Rambo & Mario's mom would let us hang out in the basement. The boys played Nintendo, and I pretty much just watched because I sucked. Bad. We listened to Weird Al and Kokomo on a tape player. We played on the slip-n-slide in their backyard. They were good boys - made for great friends. And I was madly in love with Mario. I remember once he asked me to be his girlfriend. I think that only lasted a couple days because Rambo found out and was pissed.

I had a couple crushes early in elementary school, but I think I was more interested in Donnie from NKOTB than any of the boys my age. And then in fourth grade, boys and girls started having girlfriends and boyfriends. And thus started the crush on Billy. O.M.G. I wanted to love Billy so bad. And so did Gina. Gina definitely won that battle. I don't think Billy even knew I existed. The Billy thing continued through fifth grade and into sixth, where it was at its height. Sixth grade, I started to explore other options because Billy and Gina were still going strong, and she had great boobs already. I was no competition. Billy was one of the cool guys, but was always so nice. He never had anything mean to say, even to the nerdy fat girl with the pimple in the middle of her forehead. I'm friends with him on fb now and even still, I have to admit, that that red hair and big smile make me melt. Oh Billy...If only you knew...

And then I transferred schools. I went from a public school where there were probably 120 kids per grade to a private Catholic school, where we had maybe 30 kids per grade. It was a huge change for me, but luckily, I wasn't alone. I had Mel (and another girl who I'm pretty sure has completely fallen off the face of the earth). It didn't take long for me to find a boy to latch onto. First, there was Sully. He was a super nerd, as were all but two or three of the boys in the class. But he was nice and best yet - he liked ME! So, I don't know how we got there, but he was my boyfriend. And then all the 8th graders started giving us shit. He tried to kiss me on the bus one day when they were giving him a hard time...I turned my head, he kissed my cheek. And then I dumped him because I didn't like all the flac that we got. I was embarrassed and didn't want to be put on the spot like that. Sully was always a really nice guy and we remained friendly. I think for a few years after that, we still had a flirty thing between us, and I'm pretty sure that if I'd made the first move, we would've gotten back together.

Eighth grade was a flurry of boyfriends and love interests. For most of the year, I had an actual boyfriend, JD. He was the smartest kid in the class, another nerdy one, nice guy. I totally walked all over him. And I never really got the feeling that his mom liked me. I mean, she wasn't mean and she wasn't outwardly unhappy about me. But she was looking out for her son. She didn't want him to abandon his schoolwork because of me. And she didn't want us moving too fast, I'm sure. I mean, I was the guy's first girlfriend. He was my first real kiss. It was sweet...I wonder if he still remembers it. We both, along with a lot of other kids in our class, volunteered to help with Market Day after school. It was kinda dark and we'd just finsihed helping someone out to their car. We snuck off to the side of the school, underneath the fire escape and had our first real kiss under the yellowey-orange glow of the parking lot lights.

The biggest caveat of my relationship with JD was not his mother, I think if we'd stayed together, she would've warmed up to me more. No, the biggest probably was that I was totally and completely in LOVE with his best friend, JO. Who wanted nothing to do with me. I tried everything I could. I flirted...HARD. But he just wasn't taking the bait. I don't know if it was me or if it was because he was smitten with someone else. But eventually, I got the picture, so I moved on to their other friend, TB. Who was into me for a couple weeks after he had his heart broken. And then realized that I was the rebound girl and was done with me. lol And then I moved on to another guy in the class, who I knew had wanted to rock my socks for quite a while, JG. And after all of that, JD and I ended up back together for a few weeks before summer kicked off. Yeah, I was whoring it up in 8th grade. I liked the attention.

High school started and that was a new wave of stupid boy-driven decisions. And once I was in high school, all bets were off. This was no longer puppy love. It was all-out 'You will be my squishy' love. I don't remember a time where I was single for more than a couple months since my freshman year in high school began. I was always the girl with the boyfriend. I just couldn't stand to be single. I needed to be loved.

Tell me about your puppy love! Who was the first boy you wanted to love? Who was your first kiss? Who was the first boy that you really did love? Who was the first boy that you treated like crap? Or was that just me? I think about all of these boys still, some of them more often than others.