I'm in a real funk lately...I just kinda feel like everything sucks. I have good, smiley moments. But most of the time, I'm just feeling like I'm down in the dumps. Life is not good right now. We don't have money, creditors/bill collectors are calling me nonstop. We're on hold with the refi, which is mostly the reason that the bills are going unpaid. I'm holding on to our cash to make sure we have enough to cover the mortgage, if we have to. My grandfather is gone. The future of my job is unknown. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm just in such a negative mood. Last night, I seriously considered crawling into the corner of the closet and staying there. I know how ridiculous that sounds. Believe me. But at the same time, it sounds so much more comforting than dealing with everything.
I hate feeling like this. I don't usually consider myself a negative person. I really do think I'm a glass half full kind of girl. But I just can't shake this feeling of sadness. I don't know. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with Opa's passing. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with all of the shit. I just feel like everything is crappy. I shuffle through my work day, not really investing myself in the work. Pretty much just doing whatever I need to do to get through the day and meet deadlines. And even with that, I'm getting fucked over. But that's been going on for a while. Normally, I would look forward to going home and making dinner, spending some time with my tv shows and my kitties. I don't even feel like doing that much anymore. I don't have time to make dinner, since I don't get home til 6 at the earliest. I just make some bullshit and go to bed at 8 or 9, whenever Hubby gets sleepy.
Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. I got stuck at work late, even though I came in early, and then Hubby didn't want to make dinner, asked me to bring home some drivethru shit. So, I did. We ate together, watched The Office and then were in bed by 7:45. We laid there, chatting for an hour, and when he rolled over to go to sleep, I couldn't sleep. I laid there and just started crying. I just feel so sad about everything. I wish I could go back to a time in my life where things weren't like this. Where I didn't feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It's so ridiculous. I know there are so many people that are so much worse off. I'm sure that I have plenty of reasons to be positive about life. But I just can't seem to focus on anything other than the negative.
Really, if I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for a few months...That would be awesome. Let this whole work thing play out however it's going to. Maybe the pain that I feel about Opa wouldn't be so fresh and wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe someone else could worry about the bills and the house and the shitting cat. Maybe I could mysteriously get knocked up. Maybe I could lose some weight. I wouldn't need to eat...It would be like hibernating...
I know this post is totally disjointed and perhaps redundant. I just needed to get it out there. Maybe if I dump it all on my blog, it won't be in my GD head so much.
Nice 100th post, huh?
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Jen. But just think: this probably isn't the first time you've thought things were sort of hopeless...and it got better before, right? It'll get better again.
ReplyDeleteMaybe getting into the job search a little more would make you feel like you have some control of the situation...or talking to the hubby about what's going on...and trust me, a baby would not make any of this easier.
I love you, and you're in my thoughts! (Happy belated anniversary, by the way. Do something that makes you feel good tonight when you get home. How 'bout a pedicure? My spirits are always a little brighter when my toes look cute.)
Thanks, Mel. I'm sure you're right - things will turn around. It's just crummy to feel like I'm drowning in shit. I'm terrified of the whole idea of the job search. I hate starting over. New = SCARY (unless it's a materialistic new...Then I'm all about it. :-))
ReplyDeleteHubby is being pretty good about being supportive. I told him recently how I've been feeling and he said what you did...Things will turn around. He acknowledged that things in general are pretty craptastic, but that it can't stay that way forever.
Thanks for your love and support. It really means a lot to know that I'm not alone. And I do realize that. I don't want everyone to think that I'm going to jump off a cliff. It's not that dramatic. And like I said, I do have good moments. I'm not walking around with a clown frown pasted on my face 24/7. I'm just a lot more bummed than I can remember ever being before. It just happens to be a LOT of bs all at once.
Oh, I've been saying this to myself lately: "I'll look back at this mountain and smile because I climbed it." I don't know who said that or if I came up with it myself, but I LOVE IT. It gives me an "I can do this, no matter how tough it is" feeling.
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