Where does it even come from??

Last night, I had another dream about my cousin.  I thought I'd posted about her before, but I can't find it, so I'll just give a little back story.  My uncle (Dad's bro) was married and had four kids.  His wife (from our perspective) turned out to be a money-hungry, lying, brain-washing bitch.  She & my uncle tried to work things out for a number of years, but it just wasn't going to happen.  So, they began divorce proceedings and he moved out of the house that he lived in with her and his kids and moved in with my parents & me.  Over the years, as things with my uncle and his wife continued to get worse, my cousins stopped coming around for family gatherings, which was very sad for me because I always looked forward to playing with them.  The oldest was a year younger than me and the youngest was 10 years younger than me.  We weren't best friends, but I always got a kick out of getting to hang out with them. 

My sophomore year in high school, the oldest of my cousins was a freshman at the same school.  She and I would pass in the hall and smile & wave or say hi.  But when my uncle moved in with us, it was like my cousin lost all recognition of who I was.  She didn't even look at me when we passed in the halls.  It stung, but there wasn't anything I could do about it.  We weren't best buddies and, frankly, I thought that one day she'd come back around.  My senior year, her younger sister was a freshman and she was more likely to give me a wave, but still didn't come around for family functions.  I really began to feel like I'd lost a chunk of my family.

A few years later, the younger of the two girls came back to the family.  She got in contact with her dad again and made an effort to become a part of our lives.  I didn't know the whole story and it really wasn't my business, I was just glad that she had come back around.  The youngest of the cousins had always stayed in contact with us because my uncle had shared custody - she'd come every other weekend and one night a week.  So, two of my four cousins were back.  I could only hope that the other two would do the same in time.

But it's more than 10 years later, and still the oldest girl and the boy don't acknowledge our family.  I've tried to friend them both on Facebook and my requests go ignored.  I don't know what their father could have possibly done to cause them such hatred.  The girl got married a couple years ago and not only was our family not invited to the wedding, but her dad wasn't even invited.  She had her mom walk her down the aisle.  He's such a kind man (a tad annoying at times, but clearly loves his children and always wanted the best for them).  I don't understand how they could just disown him in the way that they have.  But that's the decision that they've made.  I don't know why it all bothers me so much, but it definitely always has.

That being said, I don't think about them nonstop.  Every once in a while, I'll see a pic on the facebook wall of one of the other two or a comment or something and it makes me wish that they were a part of my life.  But now and then, I have dreams about the girl.  And last night was one of those nights...

I dreamt that we were having a family party and we were sitting down to watch a movie or something.  I was sitting in a chair and my cousin was actually there and sat down on the floor in front of my chair and leaned her head back on my knee.  After a few minutes, I told her how happy I was that she was there.  She got angry at this, got up and told me that she only came because her therapist told her that it would be good to do.  She did it and now she was leaving. 

I was shocked.  I sat in dismay for a moment and then went chasing after her.  We were outside the house and she was just so mad.  I told her how I missed having her in our family and how I saw the relationship that she had with Lina (cousin on her mom's side) and was so envious of that.  She started crying and began telling me about how her mom would never let her leave.  That all of the money she ever made ended up going to her mother.  I held her while she cried and told her that it'd be okay. 

And then I woke up, sad that I knew such an event would never take place.  I don't know how or why she gets into my head sometimes.  Usually, I don't interact with her in my dreams.  She's normally in the distance and I want so badly to say something to her, but am afraid she'll ignore me or reject me.  Just typing out my recollection of the dream brings tears to my eyes. 

Anyway, this was more for me to get things off my chest and stop it from replaying in my brain.  I have some super exciting news (not about me - my BFF), so I'll have to sit down and focus on that sometime this weekend!

30 Days - Day Six

A fun fact about me

My dream job is an event planner.  I love all the details that are involved.  I like focusing on all the small things that people may not think about, but really help to make an event fun.  I like having a list of things that need to be accomplished, and I get a real feeling of satisfaction as I check off items on that list.  Planning my wedding was a bit stressful, but I really did enjoy doing it and would love to help other women to plan theirs.  The research that goes into something like that is fun for me, too.  My latest planning ventures have been a fun reunion dinner with some old friends from high school and my best friend's baby shower last month.  But even just planning a dinner with my girlfriends or the details of the family Christmas party - it all is super fun to me!

Two Nights in a Row?

Sometimes I like to share my dreams with you...Once upon a time, Melissa and I were going to dream interpretations as a science fair project. We were convinced by our teacher that it wasn't the best idea, so we never did it, but I've always been fascinated by dreams and what they mean, if anything.

Occasionally, I'll have a dream of a hunky guy wanting to love me. Or of a bad guy trying to break into my home. The other night, I dreamt I was on a school bus, on a super busy road and there was an accident up ahead. The driver didn't react quickly enough, and he lost control of the bus. He warned us to brace ourselves and in the dream, I immediately started saying the 'Our Father.' I said it loudly to drown out the sounds of panic around me and as I was saying the prayer, it was almost like I was in some Heavenly state...I think I thought that I was dying in the dream. Anyway, I woke up in a panic. It seems that whenever I have a "bad dream," I startle myself awake. And then I'm immediately freaked out that it was something in real life that startled me. My immeditae fear is that someone's in the house. So, I lay there silently, not moving. Waiting to see if I hear something again. If the cats are nearby, I'll look to them to gauge myself. If they're not freaked out, I can generally assume that things are okay.

Anyway, after having the bus dream, I went back to sleep and had another dream that started out quite pleasant. I was at a mall or something, and I'm hanging out with Sawyer from Lost.

Let me just go on a bit of a tangent here... he is the most gorgeous man alive...Those dimples and the body and the voice...holy hell...He is my picture of excellence. Rough and tough on the outside, southern accent, comedic value. And then on the inside, total heart of gold. He's a little damaged, but who the hell cares? I want to love him. And I'm so super sad that after this season of Lost, my dear beautiful Sawyer will cease to exist. Josh Holloway, you better find an equally wonderful, regular role on a show where I can adore you some more. /tangent

So, me and Sawyer, we're chillin at the book store or something. And he turns to me and looks into my eyes and asks me if I'll go out for ice cream with him. Um, hello? You're Sawyer! Of course, I will. We set up a date and I go home to deal with everyday life with Hubby. And then some "friend" of mine calls me from the bookstore - she's there with Sawyer now - and she tells me that I shouldn't go on this date. How could I cheat on my husband? This isn't right. She's begging me not to go. In response, I tell her to go pound sand. This is the man of my dreams. I am NOT turning him down, no matter what!! Then, while she still has me on the phone, she turns to Sawyer and says 'I'll pay you $xx not to do this.' I'm furious with her! And while this is all going on over the phone, as I put a dish in the sink, I notice something leaking from the ceiling. I look up, just in time to watch like a bucket full of liquid bust through the ceiling into the kitchen. I'm no longer on the phone, and now I'm shouting up to Hubby to bring his ass downstairs and, as usual, he tells me 'I'm playing the game right now. I can't come down there at this minute.' And then I wake up.

So...Basically, Mr. Hotness wants me. There's some guilt about screwing around on Hubby. And then the house gets damaged.

I had another dream tonight that followed a very similar pattern, but wasn't quite the same.

Sawyer was at my house this time. Doing things to me & with me that I will not go into detail about. A girl has to keep some things to herself. ;-) Anyway, we have ourselves a nice time and then his personality transforms...He's no longer the southern charmer that I've grown to love, but he becomes Hubby in Sawyer's body. Essentially, he becomes a bit of an asshole. I roll my eyes and go into the bathroom to pee, and find that a hole has been punched through the bathroom wall and another hole in the bathroom floor. I ask him what happened and he gives me some bullshit excuse, like he can't be bothered with it.

What the hell does this mean???

I dunno, I'll take the damages to my house if I can get some serious loving from Sawyer. Sometimes, you have to compromise, ya know? :-)

All I have to do...

...is dreeeeeammm...Dream, dream, dream...

I have a question for all of you in long term relationships...Do you dream about your significant other? It can be in a sexy way, or not.

For the last couple weeks, I've been dreaming of a different man every night. And the only night that Hubby was actually in my dreams, I was pissed at him for something.

I can't remember ever having had a hot, steamy dream (or even just a mildly romantic one) about Hubby. After dreaming of another man, I wake up feeling a bit guilty, like I've done something wrong in real life. And then all day, I think about that guy. Lately, the dreams have been of actual people that I've known in some point in my life. People that I may or may not have had a crush on.

I just wonder, is it strange that I don't dream about Hubby?

Oh, the things I should be doing...

I have some stuff that I should be working on right now, but I'm SO not feeling it. Instead, I'll share my strange dream from last night.

I believe this dream was supposed be before my wedding or maybe some other big event. I was at a friend's house and he was doing my hair for this event. I believe that it was a trial run, not the actual event. Anyway, Steve's doing my hair and while he's in the middle of it, there were a couple other people that showed up (for some reason, I'm thinking it was my dad, but I'm not entirely sure) and they just stopped in to tell me that they were leaving. I think I thought I was supposed to go with them because I left Steve's and I started walking somewhere else.

I ended up in Park Forest, at Western Ave & Sauk Trail, waiting to cross the street and two of my sorority sisters appeared. I'm not exceptionally close to either of these girls, and I have NO IDEA a. why they showed up in this particular place and b. why they showed up in my dream at all! Jess & Wedgie (These are their real names/nicknames...I don't feel the need to protect them...There's no bad stuff goin on here...) gave me a hug and we walked together to Jess' parents' house, which was right on Western. We went inside and apparently Jess' parents owned a catering business and were going to cater this event. They were giving me samples of the food that they'd prepared and while they were kinda doubting the quality of the food (I remember meatballs...lol), I was very reassuring, letting them know how much I liked it.

And then I woke up. And I thought to myself 'What about a catering business........'

I could cook, which I love doing, and I would be involved in event planning, another thing that I love to do... A friend once asked me if I'd considered doing catering. I had been complaining about my current job and saying how much I love to cook. But a good friend has discouraged that idea, as she's had a lot of BAD experience with the restaurant business. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that a restaurant would not be good for me. I LOVE to cook, but at my own pace. I watch shows like Hells Kitchen & Top Chef and man, they've gotta bust ass. I just couldn't handle that shit. But a catering business...? That might be a little more relaxed...

Or maybe I'll just continue to work a desk job where I have a steady income and dread going in every morning and count down the hours til it's time to go home...:-P

Sweet Dreams...

First, I just wanted to thank those of you that replied to my last post about the Princess Problem. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only woman on Earth who wouldn't mind being a SAHM and/or housewife. Although, I have to admit, if I was only a housewife, there would be no excuse as to why there's a waist-high pile of dirty laundry in the bedroom or why there's stacks of papers laying on the kitchen table.

Second on my mind, Wow!! The authors of my bloglist must have been feeling exceptionally BLOGGY in the last 24 hours! I've got a TON of reading to catch up on. LOVE it!

Finally, I wanted to share a wonderful dream with you all that I had last night. I dreamt that I was at a doctor's office, and I'm standing there in the exam room all by myself and apparently it's common practice to administer vaccines on your own, in this dream. So I'm gathering all of the pre-filled syringes and preparing them for injection, when a blonde haired girl, who bore a striking resemblence to Maria Lark, from Medium, came running into the room and out again through a door on the opposite side of the room. She was followed by Hubby, who was cradling a newborn. He passed the newborn off to me and went chasing after the little girl. I hollered at the little girl (Shelly, short for Michelle) to come back into the room, but was apparently not heard. I sat down and soon an older man - the doctor - came in the room and was asking questions about the baby.

I woke up with the distinct feeling that these two children were ours. Oh, and don't worry, I didn't inject anyone with anything. Thank goodness! :-) It was a very nice dream. I just wish that it hadn't been 3am when I woke up. lol

Another dream that I have (as in a goal...one that I really hope to achieve) is to lose about 15 lbs. by Christmas. I bought this beautiful dress about a month ago, with the intention of wearing it to a friend's baby shower. But it didn't fit quite right. I was rather uncomfortable and decided not to wear it. I was sadly going to return the dress, but then couldn't find the receipt and am unwilling to accept $15 for a dress that I paid $40 for. So, I've decided that my goal will be to wear this dress for Christmas. I just need to lose some weight in the middle, so that it hangs better and doesn't point out the fact that my boobs don't match the rest of me. I think 15/20lbs is achievable in 7 weeks. The only problem that I have is I don't know how to go about doing it! I need to get moving...Maybe walking a few times a week. And eating smaller portions. That's the plan. Keep your fingies crossed for me!

A post of randomness...What else is new

It's 9:31 on Wednesday morning and I am the only person in the office. Not because I'm some weirdo that enjoys coming in on holidays and weekends, but because 2 out of 7 people called emailed in sick, or whatever.

I typed out this long, whining thing about how I'm pissed that JB called in again, but whatever. Ya'll don't want to read that. I have found that the blogs that I really enjoy reading are the ones that aren't whining about how life sucks. Bitch and moan and wah wah wah...How are you supposed to comment when all I'm doing is vomiting my irrational foul mood at you? Paragraphs erased...Onto another topic.

It's now 9:47 and I'm STILL all alone. I really need to look for a new job. This morning, DreX was talking about how many women in the workforce view their job as that, a JOB, rather than a career. And many have what they called the "Princess Problem." Meaning that women work in order to provide for themselves until a man comes along and sweeps them off their feet and they live happily ever after. The two women on the show were appalled at this idea of men being the provider and blah blah blah.

Seriously?

You mean to tell me that if Richy Rich came to your rescue and said 'You never have to work again. I will rescue you from the pit of despair that is your job.' that you would turn him down??? Because I wouldn't!!!

If Hubby made enough money to support us both comfortably, my fat ass would be sitting at home, watching the end of Oprah right now.

I just got a text message from a friend of mine, saying that she's in labor. She was one of my sorority sisters, got her degree in teaching, worked in a bank for the last two years and, as far as I know, worked until yesterday. And today begins her retirement. Her husband makes enough money to allow her to stay home and raise her children, and she won't have to work. I'm so completely and totally jealous. Not only of the baby (not having that pity party today, tyvm), but also of the fact that she will get to be home with him after he's born. And not just for 6 weeks, but for as long as she wants!

I dunno, maybe it's because of how I grew up. My mom decided the same thing that my friend did, when I was born, she stopped working. I don't know if she would've gone back to work if she hadn't gotten MS, but I kinda think not. My dad was the provider. And in that picture in my head, I always imagined the same thing for myself.

Am I alone in this? I mean, for those of you that work, if Prince Charming swept you off your feet, would you choose to stay home? Or would you want to continue to work and advance your career - support yourself, rather than depending on a man?

Hey, 10:03 and finally, there's someone else here! I can go in search of coffee and a pee break! Lucky me!

A vibrating WHAT?

This morning, as I'm putting my makeup on, I vaguely remember seeing a commercial last night for a vibrating mascara....

I had to Google it to make sure I didn't dream it.

And sure enough, Maybelline has created Pulse Perfection, and here's what the website has to say about this new product:

Why You'll Love It:

• It’s our first vibrating mascara. Transforms your lashes to perfection.
• Patent-pending elastomer brush vibrates 7,000 times per stroke
• Provides clump-free definition, intense color, and shine
• Waterproof; also available in washable formula
• Builds lash volume, length, and adds curl
• Buildable formula
• Ideal for All Skin Types
• Contact lens safe

Really? We can't just wiggle the wand by ourselves anymore? All I see is poking myself in the eye with this vibrating stick. No. No thanks. I'll handle it on my own, thanks...

On a completely unrelated note...I watched "More To Love" last night - thank you internet for making tv shows available to me after the fact. The premise of this Fox show, if you haven't heard about it, is like a Bachelor show - one guy, 20 women, all looking to find love - but rather than the size 2's that you see on the Bachelor, these women are "average" sized. The guy is 6'3" and 300+ lbs and the woman all have curves. Some Most even have rolls! And double chins. And guess what! They're still beautiful...some of them anyway. And the ones that I found unattractive were not so because of their size, but because of their personalities or their attitudes or they were just really not cute.

The show aired on Tuesday night, so I read a couple reviews of the show yesterday, before watching, and they were mostly negative reviews. It seemed that these other bloggers (who I'm not entirely fond of, I have to admit...Obviously, I'm all for Fat Acceptance, but to what extent...? I think some of the "Fatosphere" has blown things out of proportion - no pun intended) felt like the show was a bit contrived and that the guy was corny and that there was too much crying...So, I went into watching the show as if I wasn't going to like it.

Overall, I enjoyed the show. I found it very similar to the Bachelor - I didn't think that Luke was any more or less corny than any other guy that's been on the show (or any other guy that's hit on me, for that matter).

I did think that some of the girls were a little overly emotional in their solo interviews, but I can understand why they might be. They've spent so much of their lives feeling like they're not good enough. A number of them said they'd never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, didn't go to prom...On one hand, I feel bad for them. It sucks to be 20 something years old and never have experienced what it's like to go out on a nice date. Or to never have been in a relationship. But on the other hand, I feel like these girls are all so pretty. And I know from experience that there is a plethora of men out there that will date a fat girl. Sometimes, you just have to put yourself on the line. Be confident that whether you weigh 120, 220 or 320, you can still be a beautiful person. And if someone can't see past the extra flesh or a few stretch marks, then they aren't worth your time. Have a good cry that Mr. X doesn't like you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out and find the next object of your affection.

I'm going to be excited to watch how this show goes. And I'll be excited to see if they do a "Bachelorette" version next.

Prince Charming snuck into my head last night...

In my last two years of college, I had a HUGE crush on a guy that I knew very little about. He was in the business frat on campus and I met him in my first semester while pledging my sorority. Once a semester, we had Greek Week. Every night of the week, there were events like kareoke, an obstacle course & tugs, in which each of the Greek organizations competed. At the end of the week, the winners got to hold their heads high and announce that they were the best and the losers had a 'punishment' that would take a whole separate blog post to explain. It wasn't anything terrible. Just more annoying than anything else.

Anyway, I met Wally during Greek Week. At the time, his 'big brother' was dating one of my soon-to-be sisters. I had to do an interview with her, and the guys just kinda hung out while that was going on. Wally was a charmer right off the bat. I don't remember his exact words, but it had something to do with my smile & being an angel. Wally's 'game' = corny, however, me = swoon. It was just the way he said things and that gorgeous smile and friendly demeanor. After talking with some friends that actually knew him, they confirmed that he was just an all around nice guy. And from what I heard, he was always getting the whole 'You're such a good friend' spiel. I instantly wanted to love him. I'm generally pretty outgoing when I have friends around to back me up. But when I'm in the presence of a guy that I'm attracted to, I become a wallflower. I can't find words, hell, I can't even make eye contact. I'm quite positive that Wally forgot all about me after that brief encounter.

The rest of that year, I saw him around every once in a while, but never talked. Just smiled at him and kept on walking. I mean, I was in a relationship. Wearing a five year old engagement ring on my finger. I wasn't really in any position to stop and try to get past my jitters for a little flirting action. That summer came & went and then in the fall, I didn't see him around anymore. I heard from a friend who knew every living person on campus that he'd gone to Europe for a semester. When he came back the following spring, I saw him on a pretty regular basis. That same friend and I would smoke together before one of our classes began and he started hanging out with us for this ten minute smoke break. She'd talk with him and I'd interject every once in a while. And as soon as he was gone, I'd melt. I think ALL of my sisters knew that I wanted to love Wally. As we continued to have our meetings, he shared that while he'd been on this trip to Europe, he'd fallen for a girl from...some other state...that was on the same exchange program that he was. They were planning on getting married and that spring, while I was pining over him, he was counting down the days til his wedding.

Last night, I had a dream about Wally. Intermingled with the cast from The Office. lol I had befriended a girl who was seeing him - apparently in my dream, he never got married. She and I became friends before I knew that they were dating. And in becoming friends, I confessed to her my crush on him. And then later in the dream, she tells me that they're kind of seeing one another. I told her I was happy for her and that she should have nothing to worry about with me. It's just a crush, and besides, I'm married. She gave me a sideways glance and was all 'Suuuuurrrre.'

In the dream, she and I were working side by side and Wally was on the other side of the room. At one point, I got up from my desk to go to another room, where all the Office people (namely Dwight) were working. As I was leaving the room, I heard Wally say something to the girl (I gave her the name Kate, when I woke up and was going over this whole thing in my head). He said 'Yeah, now that I look at her, she is quite beautiful.' I kept walking and immediately blushed. That's about where my dream ended. I woke up feeling like, man, if only I'd let him know I was interested before that Kate got in the way. lol

I don't know what he thought about me in real life. I don't know if he even knew that I existed. Like I said, I became Little Miss Tightlips whenever he was around. I do wonder sometimes how life would be different if I'd opened my mouth and said hello. Would I have ended up in the same place that I am now? Or would Prince Charming have swept me off my feet into a totally different life?

Don't misread this - I love my husband and I'm not looking for someone better to come along. We've got our issues, but what's important is that we love one another. We've made vows to one another and that's that. But sometimes, especially when Prince Charming creeps into my dreams, I like to wonder about what might have been.

Does anyone else do this? I mean, say you're content with your life. There are some things that you'd change, but not enough to be unhappy. Do you dream about what could have been if you'd made a different decision? Have any of you ever acted on that feeling of 'What if?' Share your juiciness!

Joy...And envy...

This week's You Capture topic over at I Should Be Folding Laundry is Joy. I didn't take any photos for this week's challenge. I kept on trying to think of things that really bring me joy, and I was at a loss. That's not to say that I don't have things that make me happy...Spending time with friends, cooking/eating a nice meal, hanging out with Hubby, playing WoW (sometimes), having a clean house...They all make me happy, but I just can't come up with anything that really makes me feel joyous. I haven't looked at any of the other posters' photos, but I have a feeling that many of their ideas of joy will be photos of their beautiful children with huge smiles... Which, as of late, has the exact opposite effect on me.

Unfortunately, so much of my time is spent feeling envious. A good majority of the blogs that I read (and really ENJOY) are written by women that are mothers. I found out this weekend that two of my sorority sisters are pregnant. I feel like every time I turn around, someone else is having a baby. And I feel so ... jealous. I want to be happy for everyone. And I am. And I wish them all the best. But at the same time, I can't help this feeling of why not me? I know I have time (though not as much as I'd like). And as an old friend put it 'good things are worth the wait.' But haven't you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? And you just sit and watch so many others around you that have been blessed with this amazing gift?

Hubby says he's not ready. I don't believe him. He were trying two years ago. He made the announcement to our families that we were going to start trying to get pregnant. And then I don't know what happened. Maybe he came to his senses. Or maybe he freaked out. Or...I don't know...

It's not like we're using any kind of protection. I've been off the pill since we got married. He's never used anything. I try to keep track of my cycle, and Lord knows that when I think I'm ovulating, I make the first move. But it's obviously not enough. I don't know if the problem is with me - For a long time, my periods were very irregular. I saw a doctor about a year ago, who gave me a prescription which got me back on track. But I never went back to the doc. I don't know if I'm actually ovulating. And then Hubby...Like I said, he doesn't use any protection. But he does have this habit that's said to lower a man's sperm count...

I'm almost two weeks late. I was quite sick on Tuesday - stayed home from work. I was kind of excited and really should've waited, but I peed on the stick anyway. It came back negative. So, am I just stressing myself out, thinking about it all the time, and that's what's causing me to be late? Maybe the test was wrong? (Insert wishful thinking here) Yesterday, when I came in to work, I was talking about it with my girlfriend in the office, and she went and googled signs of pregnancy. She was asking which symptoms I was experiencing. Some I had, others I didn't.

I just want this so badly. I hate feeling so envious. I keep trying to tell myself that in time, it will happen. Just keep on keeping on and you'll get there. My parents were 30 when they had me, so I guess I have time. But I'm tired of waiting.

Crazy Dream, Pt 2

So, after posting about my crazy dream, I googled dream interpretation, and the first hit was Dream Moods. I did a little searching around this site, which has a very extensive dream dictionary, sorted by topic, alphabetically. I suppose it's all very subjective, but I thought some of it was very interesting.

1. Dreaming of the home your grew up in - signifies your desires for building a family of your own. SO VERY ON TOPIC!! It's the utmost thing on my mind lately. So, this does not surprise me in the least.

2. Patio (this was as close as I could find to sunroom) - this symbolizes your openness toward a particular situation. So, I'm thinking in combination with the first topic, this is again, right on track. So far, I'm understanding what my subconscious (did I spell that right...? It looks funny) is saying.

3. Falling & being fearful (I figure if the guy was plummeting to his death, he'd be fearful, but I, as the on-looker, was not really scared, just thought it was all strange...And also, I knew that the precariously perched pole was going to cause problems before anything even happened. I mean, who wouldn't!) - signifies a lack of control, insecurity and/or lack of support in your waking life. So...Would this mean that I'm fearful of not having control over the situation of the baby making? Because, I guess that makes sense. My biological clock is ticking so loudly that it's really all I can think of a lot of the time. And Hubby just isn't there with me. He wants babies, or so he says, but I don't think he's ready to give up being a child, himself. And he's certainly not willing to give up certain habits that, let's say, are inhibiting his swimmers.

4. Death - to see someone dying signifies your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. This is where I'm having a tough time...I mean, I didn't know the guy. He was just some random worker guy that feel through the roof of my parents' house. So, it's not like I have a relationship with him. I don't know what to make of this part. Am I feeling like our opportunity to have a baby is "dying"? I do have a feeling like it's never going to happen, sometimes, though...?

5. Glasses - (I felt this was significant enough to remember - I oughta look it up.) Signifies a need for a clearer view of a situation; Misunderstanding which needs to be seen more clearly. I dunno if this was really all that important...I just found it odd that I noticed her glasses in the midst of this whole thing. Rose doesn't normally wear glasses, so this was weird, too. So, someone that's not in the middle of the whole thing seems to have a more clear view of the problem...?

Speaking of someone that's not in the middle of the whole baby-making thing who might have a clearer view...Hubby's mom gave me some lotion/perfume/shower gel for my bday that I find exceptionally offensive. It's called Pheromone something or other, which I thought was kinda strange coming from her. I didn't tell her that I didn't like it. I just don't do that. I thanked her and told her it was nice. Hubby said he kinda liked it, but I wasn't sure if he just said that because it came from his mom or what. So, I guess while she was at the house this weekend, she asked him if I'd been using the stuff. He told her that he didn't think I really liked it, but that he did. She said 'Yeah, that's the idea. I'm getting antsy about the whole grandbaby thing!' Soo...Maybe I should try the pheromones...? lol!!!

What a crazy dream...

I woke up at 3:30 this morning after having a horrible dream. It wasn't really scary...I didn't wake up feeling panicked, but it was just crazy. And I didn't take any NyQuil last night, so I have no idea where this came from...

I was at my parents' house, out in the backyard, and I think I was having a picnic with someone...Not sure who, or why, but that's what we were doing. And there was a construction crew or maybe someone from a utility company or something...I can't remember the exact details, but there was a very tall pole of some sort precariously propped up against a very tall tree. And there was a worker up in the air, tethered to some kind of wire. Another worker caused the pole to fall, it caught on the wire that worker #1 was dangling from and snapped the wire. Worker #1 fell, through the roof of the sunroom, attached to the back of my parents' house, and died when he crashed to the ground.

I didn't actually LOOK at the guy, I just knew he was dead. I went inside the house (whoever I was picnicking with disappeared) and was all 'hey, uh...there's a dead guy in the sunroom.' Which, apparently everyone knew about. I know my grandparents were both there, as was Mom's CNA, Rose. Everyone was very calm about the whole thing, and the dead guy just continued to lay out there. None of the other workers were doing anything about him. And my family just kinda was milling around the kitchen. I remember thinking that I liked Rose's new glasses, but that it really wasn't a proper time to tell her that.

And then, I saw the guy move. Like he was having a seizure or an electric shock. I said something like, 'Hey! He's not dead! I just saw him move,' and Rose told me that no, he was dead, and it was just something that happened when people died in a traumatic way.

And then I woke up, saying to myself WTF was that??? I wonder what a dream interpretation would say about that...I wish we'd done that topic for science fair. We might not have gotten as far as we did with allelopathy, but it would have been far more interesting, and way less smelly. lol