8 weeks, 26.2 lbs lost, 50 lbs lost total

Hey all!  I've been a little absent lately....Just wanted to check in and say hello.  Weight loss is still going strong.  I'm down 50lbs altogether.  Pretty proud of that!  I took a new set of progress pics that I thought I'd share.  Hope everyone is doing well!!!

4 weeks and 15lbs

Hey All!
Just wanted to share some pics.  These don't show me from the beginning of this journey, but they show the last four weeks, in which time I lost about 15lbs.  In total, I'm almost at 40lbs.  I am really proud of myself.  I feel like I've made significant changes in my life and I feel so good for having done so.  Anyway, here's the pics.  I can see the difference - can you??

Two Months & 30 pounds

Yesterday, I hit a weightloss of 30 pounds.  Yay!

I've been going at it for just over 8 weeks and I really am feeling good about myself.  I'm noticing that I'm not so completely winded after going up a flight or two of stairs.  I have the energy to walk across the parking lot, instead of driving around looking for the closest one (although, I have to admit, I will take a front spot if it's there on my first pass). 

My success is largely contributed to www.myfitnesspal.com.  I've been using it to track my calories & carbs and the exercise I've been doing (Yes, you read that right...More about working out later).  I'm really proud of myself for committing to the changes that I decided to make. 

For the most part, it's been pretty easy.  I don't ever feel like I'm starving myself.  I'm not forcing myself to eat foods that taste like tree bark and dog food.  There are a few things that I used to eat pretty religiously that I haven't had in two months.  Things like chips and apple juice.  But also carbs - they are my absolute favorite thing to eat - pasta, potatoes, bread - but they're bad news, for the most part.  So, I've started eating whole grain breads, which aren't bad.  Baked sweet potatoes and mashed cauliflower have been pretty good substitutes for the higher white potato versions.  And pasta...Well, that's the biggest kicker.  I think if I had to choose one food to live on for the rest of eternity, I would choose noodles in some form - probably Omi's spaetzle.  So when I chose to go low carb for diabetes reasons, I knew this was going to be the worst part for me.  I tried whole wheat pasta and that's okay, but still not quite the same.  And then I learned about a product called Dreamfield's Low Carb Pasta.  And I heard the angels sing.  :-)  The stuff tastes, looks, behaves like regular old pasta.  But it's much better for you, if you're a diabetic.  Higher fiber and a lower glycemic index. 

So, more about that sweating business...I hate it.  I absolutely hate every minute of it.  My favorite part is when the trainer on the video tells me I'm all done.  But then I feel good about it.  I know the sweat that's dripping off of me is bringing me closer to my goals.  I purchased two videos - The Biggest Loser vol. 1 & Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred.  Bob Harper is the trainer on the first one and I like him so much better than Jillian.  I alternate workouts - 1 day of cardio with Bob, 1 day of strength with Bob, 1 day of Jillian and then a day of rest.  In an average week, I'm working out 30 minutes/day, 6 days/week.  And despite hating it for those 30 minutes, when it's all done, I am SO glad that I did.  I feel proud that I'm doing something positive for myself. 

And some non-scale-victories that I've had:
1. My jeans are all fitting much looser.  I'm pretty sure most of the 30lbs that I've lost has come from my ass and hips.  I think I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit this week.
2. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference and have told me that they can see my face looks thinner.  Looks the same to me, but I stare at the damn thing for much longer than they do.  :-)
3. My health is improving.  Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a followup to starting on the insulin.  The nurse who weighed me and the doctor were floored that I'd lost so much weight in such a short period of time.  But more importantly, two of the oral medications that I'm on (that were maxxed out) have been cut in half.  My blood sugar is in the normal range.  AND!  My blood pressure (which is usually high when I go to the doctor) was normal for my last two appointments.
4. Finally, I FEEL better.  I always kind of thought it was bullshit when people would say 'I feel so much better now that I've lost weight.  I have more energy.  I feel more positive.'  I thought it was all in their heads.  And maybe it is.  But it's in MY head now, too.  :-)

My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month. I think that's a pretty achievable goal.  I joined a challenge group on MFP that helps everyone doing it to keep motivated and held accountable.  It's a 12 week challenge and you set mini goals along the way.  At the end of the challenge (September 1st), I hope to be down 30 more pounds! 

And hey, if you're jumping on the weightloss bandwagon, check out My Fitness Pal.  Look me up (username: jagrib0112)!  I'll be your friend!  :-)

Update on Weight Loss

Well, I'm still going strong.  As of this morning, I'm down 17lbs.  Yay me!

I don't know that I really notice a difference at all.  I guess my jeans are fitting a little looser.  Although, that could just be because I'm on day 3 with these jeans (does anyone else do that?  I hope you don't think I'm nasty for wearing a pair of jeans for a few days before they get washed...I actually read someplace that you shouldn't EVER wash jeans...Just rinse them with cold water every once in a while and air dry...That's a little much for me...).

Anyway, I'm proud that I'm still sticking to it.  There have been a few times where I've been tempted (like last night) to take the easy way out and just pick something up for dinner, instead of cooking, but then I think about the progress that I've made and I don't want to deal with the repercussions of having a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal instead of a Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinner as my quick, easy, lazy option.  And then I'm proud when I get up the next morning and I'm a pound lighter than I was yesterday.

I'm being really honest with myself and everyone in my life about what I'm doing.  It's holding me accountable.  And I'm really happy to be able to report my weight loss when someone asks me how it's going.  I don't feel like I'm depriving myself too much.  The most difficult part (other than trying to convince myself to workout...I'm not very convincing) has been reducing my carbs.  I miss pasta more than anything else.  I haven't given up pasta/carbs all together, but there's been a huge reduction.  I was reading about a low carb pasta made by a company called Dreamfields.  You better believe that's the first item on my grocery list for today.  Not that I can feast on a bowl of low carb angel hair, but at least I have less guilt having it as a small side with something else.

My mother in law has joined the site that I'm using and called me last night to talk about how it works.  It's sort of like Facebook, in that you have something very similar to the fb Wall, where you can post little blurbs.  When you weigh in and complete your food/exercise journals for the day, it posts to your Wall.  You can "friend" people and help to encourage one another.  There's also a number of forums/message boards where you can ask questions, share recipes, etc.  So, if you're interested in joining, search for me by my email address and we can be buddies!  The name of the site is MyFitnessPal and it's super easy to use.

Oh, and PS, since I've been on this new eating plan (it's not a diet - diets end...This is a lifestyle change!), my skin is so much prettier!!!!  I don't know if it's the lack of crap going in or the increase in water consumption, but I've got so much less breakouts!  Awesome side effect!

Yep, I did it again

I was doing so well!  Staying on top of my blog.  Giving updates and little tidbits.  And then my 30 day challenge threw me a curveball and I disappeared again.  :-P  I'll get back on that wagon soon.  But today, I have something special to talk about.

I know I've said it many times before, but this time, there is no choice.  I'm taking control of my health.  About three weeks ago, I had an appointment at the doctor to have some labwork done.  My prescriptions had run out and the doctor wasn't going to give me refills until I'd come in and had my glucose levels checked.  So I obediently had my levels checked and they were off the charts.  From October to March, my A1C level (which is a measurement of your glucose % levels over a 2-3 month period and should be under 7) had gone from 7.2 to 12.2.  My blood sugar was over 300, and should have been somewhere around 120.

The next day, the office called me back and said that my doctor wanted to see me to discuss going on insulin.

Pause.  Let's rewind a minute.  Almost six years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes.  I was put on a low dose of a medication called metformin, that is supposed to help lower your glucose levels and the hope was that I would lose a little weight and the blood sugar issues would go away.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  I didn't understand the seriousness of diabetes.  I didn't make the life changes that were necessary to make this issue go away.  I continued to eat and live in the same way I had been for the 24 years previous.

Over the next six years, I continued to see my doctor regularly and for a while, things were under control.  But I'd say after I got married and then more recently, when we bought our house, it just continued to get worse and worse.  That initial medication that I was taking is now at the highest dosage, plus I take the highest dosage of two other medications that are supposed to do the same thing.

So, now, like I said - the doctor wants to have me go on insulin.  And in that moment, it hit me.  Who wants to inject themselves every day?  Especially if you can do something to change it!  So, I'm making changes in my life.  I'm learning more about diabetes, I'm trying to change my eating habits and learn how to make more healthy meals.  I haven't quite bridged the gap of exercise, but maybe I'll get there soon.

That being said, since I've started my new way of life, I've lost six pounds.  In the big picture, that's peanuts.  But all things considered, I think that's an awesome start to this uphill battle.  This weekend, with the holiday that's centered around an enormous meal, filled with things that I just love, may be a challenge.  But I can do it! 

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

Thirty Days - Day Seven

A Favorite Photo


I thought about sharing a photo from my wedding.  Eh.
I thought about sharing a photo of my kitties, but that just lends itself to the crazy cat lady thing that I have going on.
I thought about sharing a photo of my girls because they're amazing and I don't know what I'd do without them, but I don't have one of all of us together.

So, I've decided to share a pic of myself.  I was loving my makeup & hair on Friday, so I did a real not so quick vanity shoot at work before everyone got to the office.  My eyes are always squinty in pics of me because I smile too big.  I consciously opened my eyes wide and minimized the smile and love the pic that I produced.  I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

It's all turning up roses...

I was chatting with a friend yesterday online, and she was asking how I'm doing...Asked about work and the house and the baby making and life in general. And I couldn't help but gush. Everything is really good right now. And as I'm prone to do, I keep waiting for the shit to hit the fan. But so far, so good.

I feel like my relationship with Hubby has really taken a huge step in the right direction. We're getting along well, we spend time together on the weekend, he's been acting right and overall, I'm just happy with the way things are going with us.

The house is great, and although it's never as clean as it could be, it's clean enough. :-) I planted some pretty flowers yesterday while Hubby mowed the lawn. I made an excellent dinner and I'm really proud that my cooking skills are constantly improving. I think for a while, I was more concerned with finding a new dish every time I cooked. But I'm starting to learn that it's not always about newer, but it's about perfecting the things that you like. It's always been a challenge to find meals that I could make that don't come frozen in a box that Hubby would enjoy. I've got about 5 different meals that I can make for him that I know will get good reviews. It's definitely time to start looking for a 6th to put into the mix.

Babymaking is going well. Hubby IS ON BOARD. We made a good, solid effort this month and I'm still waiting to find out if it worked. Aunt Flo was supposed to arrive on Friday, and there's no signs that she's on her way. But I'm hesitant to get excited. This isn't the first time I've been a few days late and I really just don't want to crush that hope quite yet. I haven't taken a test yet. I feel like jumping the gun will jinx it. I know how absolutely silly that is. I know that if I am pregnant, taking a test now as opposed to next weekend isn't going to change the outcome. But...I dunno... I've been saying prayers that are supposed to help concieve and praying to the patron saint of pregnany (St. Gerard) and just wishing & hoping real hard. :-)

In other news, I started making a new friend in the choir. Her name is Kimberly and she seems very nice. She's probably about my age and sits next to me in rehearsal & mass. Last week, at rehearsal, we got a chance to talk a bit and get to know one another. I hate that I'm shy when first meeting a person. Not that when prompted, I don't answer. Just that I can't get it together to strike up the conversation. If you start it, I promise, I'll chat your ear off. It'll be nice to make a new friend that actually lives nearby. My BFF is really my only friend that lives within 45 minutes of my house, so it'll be cool to have another person to hang out with, assuming it gets to that point.

Anyway, life is good. I hope that it stays this way. I hope that life continues to go in the positive direction that it has been. :-)

A little of this and a little of that

It wasn't a fluke!

We had another really nice weekend! I made French toast for breakfast on Saturday, we watched some tv together and did some yardwork together. Hubby came down to the kitchen and ate dinner with me. Sunday, after church, we grilled burgers & brats for lunch, relaxed together for the afternoon and then I went to dinner with some of my favorite girls.

I'm looking forward to the weekend again, not just because I won't be working, but because I'll be able to spend time with Hubby! What a complete 180!!! And he seems to be pretty content, as well. I feel like he's a different person. I don't know if it was that he heard my unhappiness and finally felt like it was time to do something about it. Or perhaps it's directly related to the lack of green. I don't know what exactly to attribute the change to, but I'm really encouraged. Two weeks in a row and things are still good. We're both putting forth an effort to make one another happy. And it's really nice!!!

Yesterday was Opa's 88th birthday. At the last minute, I decided to take off of work a couple hours early and visit the cemetary with Omi. She didn't want to stay for very long. I can understand that, but I would have liked to stay longer. Now I know where he is, though, so I can go see him on my own and stay longer if I choose. Omi and I are both very emotional people, so once one of us starts getting choked up, the other is sure to follow. Definitely, next time I'm down there, I'll go see him and have a little chat on my own.

I contacted JB's tattoo artist about the piece that I want to get. It's not going to be cheap. He said it'll probably take more than one session and each session is $250 (3-4 hours, depending on how much I can take) or $100/hour. So, it could be anywhere from $350-500. But he sounded really stoked about the idea. I told him that I'll have to book the appointment a couple months out, so that I can save up the money. I'm hoping by late June, I can do the first session. Hubby isn't totally thrilled about the idea - he'd like to see me spend the money elsewhere - but he has said that he isn't going to tell me I can't do it. He's probably right. It would be more responsible to spend the money on something more practical, like a storm door for our front door or make a larger dent in our credit card debt. But it's important to me to do this in memory of Opa. I don't want to wait forever for it, ya know? I've set aside $50, so I'm that much closer!

I have my first choir practice tomorrow! The director called me last week and invited me to come to rehearsal. I did go up and introduce myself to him this Sunday. He seems very nice. I can't wait to start singing in a choir again. I'm so super excited about it!!! Last week, I went to the youth ministry adult planning meeting. They do so many different activities and events for the teens in the parish. I'm really excited to get involved with them, as well.

I can't believe how quickly the summer starts filling up with plans! I'm planning a camping trip in June with some of my girlfriends, Hubby & I are going to take a vacation in July (He even suggested getting on a PLANE to go somewhere...This is HUGE!!!!), some of the girls & I are planning a "hookie" day in August, September is my 10 year high school reunion (holy crap!), October is a coworker's wedding and November is a sorority sister's wedding. Today is only April 14th! I can only imagine how many other things are going to fill up this summer. I'm SO excited!

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Okay, maybe not ever, but it really was a nice weekend. And I had every intention of telling everyone all about it yesterday and then stupid work got out of hand. I was actually required to focus on my job. :-P

Oh, but today is another story. I have the time to tell you all about my fantastic weekend today!

It started with Friday...I decided to take a half day on Friday. Initially, I thought we were going to have my mother-in-law over for Easter dinner this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I gave myself plenty of time for cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. Then Hubby decided that he didn't want to do all that work (Pfft...Yeah, like he'd really be doing the work...), so we decided that we'd join the rest of the family at his aunt's house for the holiday. But I'd already requested the afternoon off, so I wasn't about to reneg on that.

So, I took the afternoon and did some shoe shopping!! I've really wanted to get some cute flats - something with a print, like a zebra or leopard print. Or some funky color. I'd bought some super cute ones from Kohl's the weekend before, but didn't try them on until I got home and found that they didn't fit. So, I returned those and then headed out to Shoe Carnival. I tried on probably 20 different shoes. They were all either too big or too small or not wide enough. I finally found a cute pair of silver flats. They weren't exactly what I'd had in mind, but they were close enough.

After shopping for like 3 hours (how the hell does the time go so quickly????), I finally headed home, made myself a tasty dinner and got ready to... Wait for it... GO OUT! My BFF has made some friends in her new town and she invited me to hang out with them on Friday night. We called another one of our girlfriends and she actually came out with us, too. I have to admit, I have a minor crush on one of BFF's buddies, so that's always fun. Last time I went out with all of them, I had a good time, but when you have to drive 30 minutes home, it's a bit restricting. So, I asked Hubby, if I could find a ride out to the bar, would he come pick me up. At first, there was some resistance, but he eventually said he would come get me. Even if it meant he had to go home for a while and then come back out to get me.

So BFF came out to get me and we hung out with all her people. It was a great time. Her friends are all very nice; a lot of fun! They convinced me, after quite a few shots, to sing at karaoke, which was alright. I get super nervous singing in front of people. I get all shaky and my voice sorta dies. But I think I did alright. Everyone said what a nice job I did, but I'm a firm believer that what people say and what they mean can be very different things. Hubby came to get me and, to my amazement, came in the bar and met everyone. I later found out that if I'd asked, he would have stayed and hung out for another hour until the bar closed. But I was ready to go. There was a minor amount of drama with BFF and her boyfriend, and I was kinda bored by that point. And I was really happy that Hubby was being so...social!!

We went home and had ourselves a nice, halfway drunken time. :-)

Saturday, we slept in and then spent most of the day (IN THE SAME ROOM!!!), watching tv together. I made tacos for dinner and a carrot cake for Sunday dinner. It was a very nice day, just spent relaxing together.

Sunday, I went to Easter mass. Boy, was it crowded!!! I'm so glad that I remembered about the twice a year Catholics! I got there early enough to find a seat close to the choir. Next week, I intend to go and talk to the choir director after mass and ask him about joining. I've been putting it off because of my stupid shyness, but this is really the reason that I chose this church. I was so impressed with the choir and really want to be a part of it, I need to just get the guts up to introduce myself and ask about joining! So, the plan is to talk with him this Sunday. Say a little prayer for me for some courage, would ya? :-)

After mass, I came home and woke up Hubby. We got ready and went off to his aunt's house for dinner. Both of her kids (our age) and their kids were there. As were my mother-in-law & her boyfriend and Hubby's other aunt & uncle. It was a very full house, but it was really nice. Highlights of the day:

• Four year old Maddie told me that I look like Hannah Montana with glasses. Thanks, Kid! Now if only I could fit into Hannah Montana's clothes!
• Aunt Laura & Maddie's conversation about how Aunt Laura lost one of her fingers:
• Aunt Laura - I was driving and there was a deer in the road.
• Maddie - And he bit it off???
• Watching Hubby take care of Maddie's 9 month old brother while their parents ran to the store for a while. Everyone kept telling how good he looked with a baby on his lap.

We got home around 8 and watched a movie together before I headed to bed. Nothing extraordinary happened this weekend, but it was so nice. Hubby decided on Friday that he wasn't going to buy a bag of green, that he's ready to be done with it, so I was really expecting a grumpy, mean asshole. But he completely surprised me. He was super sweet and we had a great weekend together. I definitely didn't think that he heard me the week before, when I complained that we never spent time together. That I was lonely and hated feeling like we were just coexisting in the same space. And then he shows me that he really DID hear me!!! What a nice surprise!!!

I'm at about 50%...

I always end up all over the place in these posts...I have so much to say, and just want to tell you everything! Perhaps if I posted more than once every two weeks, I wouldn't feel the need to jam it all into one post. Oh well. I do. Get over it. :-)

In one of my more recent posts, I discussed resolutions. I've been doing quite well with the church one. I've gone to mass every weekend since the beginning of the year. Granted, that's only three weeks, but it's 2 more weeks than the last time I thought I was ready to go back. And frankly, I don't see myself slacking on this one. I feel really good about it. That first Sunday, I went back to St. Charles Borromeo (SCB), the church that sort of reminds me of my old "home." It's about the same size and probably about the same age. They've got a choir (which is very important to me - I NEED to get back singing) and it's the closest. But I wanted to check out some of the other churches in the area, to make sure that I find the one that is right for me.

So, for the last two weeks, I attended mass at St. Mary's. I don't think I've ever seen a Catholic church this big. When I pulled into the parking lot, I literally out-loud, to myself, exclaimed 'Holy Crap!' It looked enormous to me. Inside is beautiful. Very, very large. It was built in 2001, so it has these modern-ish features. I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable in a parish that is so enormous. I've always enjoyed being a part of small things - small church, small(ish) high school, small colleges, small company. It does seem like St. Mary's has a lot to offer, including a choir (and a youth group that is looking for adult volunteers!). But I have to admit, I feel a bit overwhelmed there. And to be perfectly honest, the pews are really uncomfortable. lol They're low to the ground, and I find it near impossible to kneel on the kneelers. Maybe a silly con, but a con still.

This coming weekend and the week after, I'm planning on going to St. Catherine's, which a bit further (maybe 15 or 20 minutes from home), but I've heard a lot of good things about it. My aunt/uncle/cousins live in the area, so I asked for some suggestions. My aunt and cousin highly suggested this one, saying that they have a nice choir, youth programs, and while it's not a small church by any stretch, it's not as gigantic as St. Mary's. One of my coworkers told me that this is the church that she grew up going to and says that she likes it much more than SCB, where she had her children baptized. I'm really excited to go to mass at St. Catherine's on Sunday. I'm hoping that this one will be the perfect fit for me.

My second resolution - keeping better track of my sugar levels - is going okay. I'm testing at least once a day (supposed to do twice a day). I'm often surprised to see how high it is. Especially in the morning. I guess knowing is part of the battle, though. If I know it's high, I can be better prepared to combat it.

My final resolution - the same one that I have had every year since I was probably 9 - is stagnant. I just don't have motivation. I'm not hashing this out again. I'm just sayin...1.5 out of 3 isn't too bad, right? :-/

In other news, my birthday was a week ago today. It was really a fantabulous birthday! Seriously, best birthday in years. I must have gotten about 200 emails/facebook posts/blogs wishing me a happy birthday. I spent some extra time that morning and curled my hair, wore my favorite sweater and was ready for a happy day. Hubby texted me and told me to get home by 4, so that we could go to dinner. I got to work and my coworkers had decorated my desk (it's a tradition to do this, and usually I'm the one in charge of remembering bdays and buying a card & balloon). They got me the COOLEST balloon! It's bigger than your standard mylar balloon and it's clear! (I used to collect balloons in high school...Yeah, I'm an oddity of sorts...) I got to leave work a bit early, so I did a bit of shopping. Then went to dinner at Olive Garden with the Hubs. It was really a great day. It doesn't take much.

I spent a good part of Saturday working on my resume. I've finally decided to stop being passive about the whole situation and hoping that it gets better. I sent it to my dad, who gave me some suggestions on improving it, so I'm intending to update it later this week and perhaps start applying for some job openings next week. I'm nervous about it, but I need to at least see what's out there.

Today is 4 months since Opa passed. I still get choked up (and usually in tears) on a pretty regular basis. Songs do it for me a lot of the time. My birthday was kinda tough. But I guess I'm doing better. I talk to him a lot. Especially when I got teary eyed. I do feel his presence and I know he's always listening. So I take those moments to tell him how much I miss him and love him.

Hubby asked to go back to 2nd shift yesterday. He thinks his 1st shift boss is out to get him. I don't know what to think. He has a bad track record with authority figures (as in he pisses off his boss for some stupid shit and gets fired...), so if he thinks the boss might be heading down that road, then I'm supportive of the 2nd shift. I was really liking him on 1st, though. It's nice to spend time with him before bed. And to actually sleep with him at night. And to wake up together. I told him that I would've liked him to stay on 1st, but not if it means that he's going to end up without a job!

I think that's all I've got on news...I may be posting a meme next...We'll see. I really should be working right now. But I'm at a bit of a standstill with work tasks, so meme-ing sounds a lot more interesting. :-)

Coming Clean

Damnit all to hell, Blogger...I totally had a post neatly typed out and then when I went to post, it took a dump on me and wiped out the whole thing. I hate when that happens. Let's try again. :-P

I've decided to stop posting as 'Easily Manipulated'. I've started to resent that part of my personality and if I want to shed it, I think maybe a symbolic first step is to no longer accept it as my title. I debated with myself over sharing Hubby's real name with those of you who don't know me/us in "real life". But he doesn't even like to have his photo taken, let alone have his name out there on the interwebs with all the bitching that I do about him. So, I'll let him remain annonymous.

I've recently started to look at myself and how I deal with people. I have such a fear of rejection that I'm constantly trying to make everyone else happy, regardless of my own feelings. I think this weekend, I really worried/stressed myself into the ickiness that I was feeling. Tired of worrying about whether friends will send me packing for choosing myself and my own wants over theirs. I feel like my husband and a couple of my close friends often take advantage of the fact that I can't stand to have people unhappy with me. I'm just over it.

So, anyway, no longer accepting the psuedonym of 'Easily Manipulated' and completely putting myself out there - JenniferAnne. :-)

A rainbow through the storm

Things have been pretty craptastic lately, and I've been kind enough to share the poop with ya'll. But I think maybe I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sunday's Memorial service for Opa seems to have calmed me a little bit. I'm trying to remember him in a happy way, rather than be sad for my own loss. Yes, I miss him. And he can never be replaced. Right now, I think there will always be an emptiness where Opa should be. But I feel less chaotic about it. I feel like having a service to remember him helped me to reign in my feelings of despair. Sharing my stories of him and seeing all the people who'd gathered to remember him - it helps me to know that he won't be forgotten.

Yesterday, I took the afternoon off of work. Hubby and I did some shopping and I had time to cook one of my favorite meals. We got the mail and received a letter from the mortgage company, saying that they have submitted instruction to the credit agencies to remove a negative status, which means that sometime next month, we should be closing on our refi. I'll be able to get our money back in order in the next 30 days, which is an enormous weight off my shoulders. Hubby and I were talking yesterday evening, after receiving this letter, about how it was a gift from God that the bank decided to help us out. I agree, but I told him that I think it's more. I think Opa had a hand in it - an anniversary gift from him. Maybe it's hokey, but it makes me smile, so I'll go on thinking it.

Photo from Pixdaus

A brighter day!

I do feel a bit better after dumping my issues on all of you yesterday. Thanks for letting me dump on ya'll.

On a more positive note, my friend JB from work, is having a 2nd birthday party for her daughter in a few weeks and she decided that she wanted to make her invitations, rather than go out and buy them. She is doing a ballerina theme and drew a couple of feet in ballet shoes. She brought her drawing in to work Tuesday, and asked me if I had any ideas of how she could color it it - she tried colored pencils and didn't like how it turned out. She talked about using markers. And then she was asking if I had any ideas of how to put the text on it.

I had her scan her drawing and told her I could use photoshop to color it is, as well as put her text on it. I didn't have time to work on it yesterday, so I did it this morning (instead of working...:-/). She loves how it turned out. And frankly, so do I. :-)

She's going to buy pink ribbon and tie a bow to the ribbon on the left ankle.

I wish I could do something like this for my job. Some sort of graphic design or photo editing. I lose a lot of my creativity when it comes to doing artsy crafty projects. But give me picnik.com and photoshop, and I really feel like I can produce pretty images.

Ugh. Maybe in my next life.

Today is going to be good. I've decided to have a positive outlook on the day. I'm leaving work at 3 today. Kiss my ass, if you don't like it, people. Making chicken & beef tacos for dinner. My BFF is coming over for din din. We're gonna make a match.com profile for another friend. And we're watching Grey's. I was just going to say 'How could it NOT be a good night?' but I'm pretty sure that if that cat shits someplace other than in the litter box, that could put a damper on the day. Whatever. Positive attitude!

Oh! Another perk to today! I'm either getting a free pizza lunch from the manager (he keeps saying he wants to do this, but hasn't made it happen yet. Tuesday night, as I was leaving, he suggested doing it today. Don't know if it's actually going to happen, though) OR I'm leaving for a while with JB. We're planning to go to JoAnne Fab's for the pink ribbon for her invitations. I LOVE JoAnne's. I might look around for Halloweeny things. Not that I have money to throw away. But, ya know. It's fun to look.

Today's gonna be a good, good day! :-)

Warning: Negativity Ahead

I'm in a real funk lately...I just kinda feel like everything sucks. I have good, smiley moments. But most of the time, I'm just feeling like I'm down in the dumps. Life is not good right now. We don't have money, creditors/bill collectors are calling me nonstop. We're on hold with the refi, which is mostly the reason that the bills are going unpaid. I'm holding on to our cash to make sure we have enough to cover the mortgage, if we have to. My grandfather is gone. The future of my job is unknown. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm just in such a negative mood. Last night, I seriously considered crawling into the corner of the closet and staying there. I know how ridiculous that sounds. Believe me. But at the same time, it sounds so much more comforting than dealing with everything.

I hate feeling like this. I don't usually consider myself a negative person. I really do think I'm a glass half full kind of girl. But I just can't shake this feeling of sadness. I don't know. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with Opa's passing. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with all of the shit. I just feel like everything is crappy. I shuffle through my work day, not really investing myself in the work. Pretty much just doing whatever I need to do to get through the day and meet deadlines. And even with that, I'm getting fucked over. But that's been going on for a while. Normally, I would look forward to going home and making dinner, spending some time with my tv shows and my kitties. I don't even feel like doing that much anymore. I don't have time to make dinner, since I don't get home til 6 at the earliest. I just make some bullshit and go to bed at 8 or 9, whenever Hubby gets sleepy.

Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. I got stuck at work late, even though I came in early, and then Hubby didn't want to make dinner, asked me to bring home some drivethru shit. So, I did. We ate together, watched The Office and then were in bed by 7:45. We laid there, chatting for an hour, and when he rolled over to go to sleep, I couldn't sleep. I laid there and just started crying. I just feel so sad about everything. I wish I could go back to a time in my life where things weren't like this. Where I didn't feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It's so ridiculous. I know there are so many people that are so much worse off. I'm sure that I have plenty of reasons to be positive about life. But I just can't seem to focus on anything other than the negative.

Really, if I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for a few months...That would be awesome. Let this whole work thing play out however it's going to. Maybe the pain that I feel about Opa wouldn't be so fresh and wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe someone else could worry about the bills and the house and the shitting cat. Maybe I could mysteriously get knocked up. Maybe I could lose some weight. I wouldn't need to eat...It would be like hibernating...

I know this post is totally disjointed and perhaps redundant. I just needed to get it out there. Maybe if I dump it all on my blog, it won't be in my GD head so much.

Nice 100th post, huh?

Oh, the day from hell...

Today has just been one shit storm after another...Started off bright and early, when my alarm went off at 5. My husband so kindly (No sarcasm...I did appreciate it) hit the snooze for me, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. He was gone ten minutes later when it went off again. I got up, shut off the alarm and got my phone so I could check my email. Went downstairs, had some breakfast and a cup of coffee. Everything was going so nicely...



And then I left the house. Started out late for my dentist appointment. The place is literally less than 10 minutes from my house, but I can never get there on time. Then, I sat through an hour and a half of rooting around in my mouth, so I could get three new fillings. yay. I left there, thinking that would be the worst of it. My face was completely numb on the right side, I felt like I was drooling and was certain that when I blinked, my right eye was staying completely open.



As I drove to work, I tried to call work to let them know I was on my way. However, I was informed at that point that my service had been suspended due to an unpaid bill. awesome.



I pull into the parking lot at work, and notice that there's a lot of people milling about outside. Oh look! A fire drill. Luckily, I didn't have to deal with that in any way. I drove down into the parking garage, took the elevator up to the main floor and walked up just as the rest of my coworkers were coming in from outside. Apparently, if you behaved, you were rewarded with a sucker. No sucker for me. boo.



Just as I was getting settled in for the morning, the office phone rang. I answered it (because the programmers are too cool to answer the phone, ya know...) and it was the loan officer that FINALLY called me ysterday to say that we'd been approved for the refi and would be closing later this week. Yeah, not so much. He was calling me this morning to let me know that because we paid the September payment on October 1, we're fucked. And can I just mention that this late payment was the LOAN OFFICER'S fault!?!?!!? I started going through this shit again on September 2nd. He tells me on the 25th that we're not going to be able to close in Septmber. Dude, do you really think I have 2 grand just laying around? I had to wait until Hubby got paid, which didn't happen until the 1st. Loan officer tells me to call the current mortgage company and ask if they can help me out. I get transferred around a couple times and hung up on once. Finally, I speak to someone that I can understand. And she tells me that she'll put in a work order and I'll find out in up to 15 business days if they can remove the 30 days past due from my account. WTF? Seriously? The payment was due on Sept 1. I paid it exactly 30 days later. Please help me. I call Loan Officer back, tell him the deal and he says okay, then we just wait. super.



I call the cell phone people, have them turn my service back on, after making a payment (managed to get that taken care of before Hubby found out. Thank the LORD!). Get back to work. Manage to get some work done and then Hubby calls and is like WTF are you talking about? Why isn't the refi gonna go through? And then I have to explain the whole thing to him more than once. We get off the phone, but he's pissed. At me.



Two hours later, he calls back, much calmer, after having talked with his mom and sharing all of our business with her. Whatever. If that's what it takes to have him realize that a. this is not ALL my fault and b. he needs to accept some responsibility, then fine. Let her be all up in our shit. After we talk out the whole mortgage/bills/money thing, he starts telling me about how he wants to move the litter boxes. He wants to put them in a storage closet and put a doggy door on the door to the closet. He'll close off the back part of the closet, so that they can only get to the boxes, but not the rest of the junk in there. I didn't feel like talking about any of this, so I told him we could discuss later. Five minutes later, he sends me a text that the damn cat took another steaming shit on our bed. fuck.

I don't know what the hell is going on with that cat. He pees and poops on the furniture. This is not something new. He's been doing it for years. I don't know why. I've taken him to several vets and no one ever has any solid suggestions. Change his food. Pay more attention to him. Give him kitty valium. And my husband's suggestion...put him to sleep. Is that going to be his suggestion when his child wets the bed?

I wrote this post yesterday, at the end of a horrendous day. And then it was all put into perspective when I found out that a friend had a miscarriage over the weekend (she was about 7 weeks along). I guess that while my day was pretty darn shitty, when you look at the big picture, an unpaid bill and some poop on the bed is pretty insignificant. Here's to having a better day today.

The upside of new shifts...

So, like I've mentioned, I hate this shift. But the more I think about it, it's really not that terrible. Let's make a list of GOOD things about working 10-6.

• My alarm doesn't go off until 6am. My internal clock wakes me up before this anyway, so I'm much more likely to actually get up on time.
• I have time to take a walk in the morning. Three days in a row! Go me!
• I have time to eat breakfast, shower, do my hair AND makeup and still have 20 minutes to read (or do some other randomness) before I have to leave.
• It only takes me 50 minutes to get to work.
• Lunch happens relatively early in the day

And while we're at it, let's discuss Hubby's new shift...

• I have someone to eat dinner with
• I'm not alone in the house all night long
• I don't have to deal with him being a crabass when he wakes up because I'm still sleeping!
• I get to bed by 9:30 or 10 because I don't have to worry about getting him out the door
• We go to bed together, which means I'm much more likely to get some! :-D Yay for baby making. lol...

Today's the first day that we're both working our new shift. Hubby was off work on Monday and I was off yesterday. I think this may end up being a really good combo for us. He seemed to like being on 1st yesterday, so that's a good thing. We'll have to give it some more time and see how it goes, but overall, I'm trying to stay very positive.

Lost art of conversation

How does one forget how to hold a conversation?

Between the ages of 12 and 18, I spent literally hours on the phone after being in school all day. I'd call one friend after another. I'd sit in the front hall or in the back room office or in my bedroom and just blabber on about who knows what from the time I got home until the time we ate dinner and as soon as dinner & homework were done, I was back on the phone again until 9, when Dad hollered for me to get off the phone.

Now, 10 years later, when I try to have a conversation with people, I often find myself at a loss for things to say. I never have anything interesting to bring up and I have a difficult time coming up with responses to whatever story someone else is telling me. This problem seems to be accentuated when it comes to phone conversations. I always feel like a lame ass when I'm talking with someone and then there's this long pause.

I just don't know what to talk about. My life is completely uninteresting. Every day, it's the same damn thing, for the most part. I wake up, shower, and go to work. Once I'm at the office, I spend maybe 80% of the time working. The other 20% is spent doing my makeup before everyone else gets there or catching up on the blogs that I'm following while I eat my lunch or getting sucked into Facebook quizzes for that last hour of the day. Okay...Maybe it's more like 75/25. As soon as I hit that magic 8-hour mark, I pack up all my shit and drive home. Some days I hit the bank or the grocery store on the way home...ooooh...Exciting. When I get home, I make dinner, sometimes I do a little cleaning, I sit in front of my computer and then between 10 & 10:30, I go to bed. I turn on the Food Network and set the timer to turn off the tv in an hour. I drift off to sleep listening to Alton Brown or Mark Summers go on about one thing or another. And then five hours later, I start all over again.

What in the hell do I have to converse about? How the grass in my front yard is a total failure? (It is, btw. Hubby fertilized and seeded and I dunno what pattern he was going in, but it looks ridiculous. And it's so effing LONG! The man needs to get his shit together and mow the damn thing! I would totally take it over because I'm pretty sure I could do better, but then I would seriously be responsible for everything in this house. And fuck that. You can be in charge of one little postage-sized yard, ya doofus! /rant) But really, who the hell cares about that??? I guess that's really my problem because obviously when I have something to talk about, I can beat that horse til there's nothing left. But when I have nothing to say and no response to the other side of a conversation, I say nothing. I totally force the other person to carry the conversation. Which, is so completely backward from how I used to be. I think when I was younger, I had the opposite problem - I monopolized conversations.

How do I fix this problem? Other than going out and buying a life? Because I really don't think that I can do that. How do I try to hold up my end of the conversation? What do I talk about, when my life is as dull as it is?? Someone! Anyone! Help me out here!

PS. I'm having a better day today, if you couldn't tell. I'm trying not to wallow in the uncertainty of the whole Opa situation. He's beat cancer before, granted he's older now, but my negativity isn't going to help. I have to stay positive. I have to be hopeful that it's going to be okay, no matter what the outcome. So, I've only teared up a couple times today. Quite the improvement from yesterday.

Bad night...

Geez, was tonight a bad night for Hubby & me. We used to have nights like these every night. Where I couldn't wait for him to leave and then as soon as he was gone, I was hysterical. I'd go through cycles of feeling sorry for myself, to despising him, to a sense of calmness. I'd yell at him, though he wasn't there. I'd sob. I'd undoubtedly end up with a headache at the end of it all. After about an hour of that, I'd get to feeling...I'm not sure the word. Not guilty, but...just like I wanted some sort of resolution. So, I'd call him (most of the time, these fights end with him leaving for work or hanging up on me) and try to apologize and smooth everything over. Sometimes, it would work, most of the time, it wouldn't and we'd just go on being irritated with one another.

And then about six months ago, we finally had it out. In our own ways. We had another one of these nights where he ranted and raved about how unhappy he was. And he didn't hold anything back. He laid it all out on the table. And as much as I was feeling the same way, I didn't want to own up to that, but I did want to make sure that we fixed the problem. A couple days later, as I was driving to work, I told him how I was feeling and that while my feelings were related to the lack of intimacy and feeling loved, the outcome was the same, that I was very unhappy. We were stuck in this downward spiral, he was pissed because he felt like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, so he was slacking on his. And vice versa.

After these two conversations, we both started making an effort to make things better. And they have been. So much much better.

And then tonight we had one of our old arguments again. It was over something that isn't trivial in the present, but in the big picture, it's really stupid. One of the lessons that my dad taught me early on in life is to pick and choose your battles. I'm really laid back and I pretty much let things roll off my back. It takes a lot to really get me to a point where I'm ready to put up my dukes (figuratively...I've never once literally put em up).

But once Hubby gets going, there's no stopping him. One little thing, on top of another, on top of another...They all just snowball and he starts nit picking. You bought the wrong cleaning solution. You need to take the cat to the vet. You always give me the same two things in my lunch. I want something other than ham. There's a pile of papers on the table. The sky is blue... And after a while, I stop listening. I can only take so much before I start feeling sorry for myself and tune him out. And that's when he decides that he's going to leave because 'what's the point in staying here, talking to the wall?' I hate when he leaves like this because I can't stand to leave this feeling of uneasiness in the air.

In the past, this was where things were left until the next day, when we'd start all over again. So, you can see how the frustration just continued to build and build until we got to a point where we weren't really even speaking. We'd be in a room together all weekend and only speak when we absolutely had to.

Tonight was different though. He stormed out of here like always, and then ten minutes later, he called and ...

apologized.

Wait. I need to read that again.

In the almost ten years we've been together, there haven't been many apologies from him. Especially not for things like this. Sure, he's apologized for the really big things that he did to wrong me. And he's said he was sorry for the little things that don't matter. But something like this, where a confession that he blew something out of proportion or that he's taking out his bad mood on me, those have been very few and far between. It was nice that he did. I didn't get the message until a half hour after he'd left it, which made it better. I called him back and he reaffirmed that he was partially in the wrong. I thanked him and assured him that I heard what he was upset with me about.

I think that's how an argument is supposed to happen. At the end of it, everyone's supposed to have a mutual understanding of what the problem was and how we can fix it. And that should be the end of it. It shouldn't carry on to the next day or the next argument. I'm rambling. The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm glad that it ended the way that it did and I still love my husband and everything's going to be okay.

7 + 7 = Thank you!

So, I mentioned earlier today that I was going to make another post this evening - something I wanted to give it's own post to, rather than cramming it in with the rest of the weekend bits. So, here it is!!!

Hayley at When I Grow Up officially gave me my first blog award!!!

Yay me! :-D

Onto the rules of the award!!!

1. List 7 things you love.

2. Link to the person who tagged you. (done!)

3. Choose 7 bloggers who you think should receive the award next.

Seven things that I love (I, too, am going to skip the obvious...the whole point is to share something new, right?)

1. The smell of clean sheets on the bed, especially if they've been dried outside on a sunny, breezy day.

2. BBQ Chicken with baked potatoes & corn on the cob. My all-time favorite meal, which I've been making once a week since I got my grill on Easter weekend. lol

3. Accomplishing something that I've put my mind to - like creating a new layout for my blog or planting some new flowers or going to the zoo (by myself) on what could've been a crummy day.

4. TV - I have an unhealthy addiction to tv. And it's compounded by the fact that I don't actually watch them on TV, but on the computer. I download more than 20 shows per season and watch them when I have time. It makes for AWESOME marathons. Don't judge me. :-P

5. Taking a ride down memory lane. It was so much fun going to that wedding a couple weeks ago. Catching up with old friends that I hadn't seen in almost 10 years. And a couple weeks before that, I was sorting through some old photos when I visited my parents. Some of those pictures brought back fantastic memories. Things that I'd tucked away into the back of my brain. Things that made me smile. And made me miss the good ol' days.

6. Camping/road trips - these two go hand in hand. I'd never been camping OR on a road trip until my husband and I started dating. I was terrified the first time we went camping. I didn't have any idea what to expect. But it was so much fun! And I can't wait until we have kids that we can bring along with us. Hubby really knows his stuff and I'll be so excited to watch him teach it all to our children.

7. Planning things. For as long as I can remember, I always loved to be in charge of planning, specifically planning events. In high school, when a dance was about a month out, I started planning the before and after events. While at the dance, I organized our ENORMOUS group of friends into one group photo. I love planning parties and get togethers with friends, even if they never turn out as planned. I like everything to be big and I want everyone to feel like they're an important part of the event. I like to make lists - I write my grocery list out at least two times, maybe even three, before I run out to the store. I'm a planner.

Wow...Started that with one sentence on the first one and then progressively yammered more and more with each one. What else is new.

Next rule! Tag 7 other bloggers who deserve the award.

I'm pretty sure that ALL of you have already gotten this award, but whatev. I thinks ya'll deserves it, so there it is. :-)

1. Hayley, the rules say nothing about giving the award right back to the presenter, so that's what I'm doing. Thank you so much! Both for the award, but also for the kind words and prayers that you offer me. I'm honestly flattered. I find your photos beautiful - they express so much and show off what's important to you, and I feel like I get a window into your world. I must have told you a BUNCH of times already, but I always find your words so poetic. You always seem to know that right thing to say and put it so beautifully. So...again, thanks! :-)

2. Terri at 488 Miles Away. I admire your dedication to your family. You make me realize how important it is to cherish the time that you have with your loved ones. I'm so glad that I asked you some questions about Sexy Stud and even more glad that you took the time to answer them!

3. Ashley at Ashley's Closet. I get so excited when I see a new blog from her in my reader. I love the funny/sweet/hilarious stories that she shares about her children and her life. She's going through a bit of a rough patch right now, and I'm sending positive mojo her way. Whatever positivity you can send her way, please do.

4. Stephanie at It Happens & Inspirational Madness. I debated about posting only one of your blogs, but I like them both, a lot! Steph, I admire you in so many ways. You're such a free spirit, but at the same time, so dedicated. You are the girl that I know I could turn to no matter what. It could be three in the morning and I'm stuck in the rain with a flat tire. I know that you'd not only answer your phone, but be there as soon as you could. You are an amazing girl and I hope you know I love ya!

5. Stacie @ Stacie's Madness, if for no other reason than the rather large man in the orange croc. lol You are a hoot! You seem like such fun - someone that I'd love spending time with.

6. Beth @ I Should Be Folding Laundry because, well, she's awesome. In my little world, she's like the cool kid that I desperately want to be friends with and hang out with, hoping that some of her coolness will rub off on me. Her photography skills are fabuloso and her strength and love are inspiring.

7. I couldn't leave out Mel @ The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know. She's one of my oldest and best friends. There was a time in our lives when we didn't talk nearly enough and my family would always ask how she was doing. I told them what I'd last heard from her and my dad would always remind me to hold on to that friendship. That she'd stuck by me when many of my other friends hadn't. That we'd been through so many things together and that she'd been a good friend to me and I should be the same for her. He was right (as always). While we don't talk or hang out nearly as much as I wish we could, she IS a great friend; a smart, strong, beautiful woman, a loving mother, and a friend that I plan on holding on to forever. Love ya, Meem!

And now that I've stayed up past my bedtime, I'm off to dreamland. Good night All!

My First Layout! How exciting!!!

So, I did it. I created a layout. I think it's cute, but it's totally NOT what I had in my head when I started on the journey - not even a little close. Sooooo...I'm going to start the search for all the right things and once I get that put together, I WILL post it here. In the meantime, check out my practice blog - Part Two. I've got the new layout living there for now.