4 weeks and 15lbs

Hey All!
Just wanted to share some pics.  These don't show me from the beginning of this journey, but they show the last four weeks, in which time I lost about 15lbs.  In total, I'm almost at 40lbs.  I am really proud of myself.  I feel like I've made significant changes in my life and I feel so good for having done so.  Anyway, here's the pics.  I can see the difference - can you??

I hear you, loud and clear!!!

So...In this post, I was debating over whether to go with a cherry blossom tree or a magnolia for the tattoo that I was to get as a memorial for my dear Opa. I've been going back and forth on it since then and because I don't have the extra cash for such a tattoo, I'm just dreaming of it.

And then the answer hit me today like a punch in the gut.

I got a card from Omi in the mail this morning. It's a Happy Easter card; Love, Omi (seeing that signature without '& Opa' is heart wrenching, btw). Included in the card is $10 and a newspaper article. I went down to visit them last weekend after my bookclub meeting, and she asked me if I had intentions of planting any flowers this spring. I told her that I wanted to, but that last summer, I proved to be very bad about remembering to water my flowers. That was pretty much the end of that conversation. So, I open the newspaper article and here's what it was


As soon as I read the title, it was like all of the wind was knocked out of me. I was immediately (and still am) choked up. There was no note from her, as to why she sent me this article. I never mentioned the tattoo or the idea or have ever said anything to her about it. In fact, she'd probably ream me for thinking about getting another tattoo, if I said something ahead of time.

I just know that this is from Opa. I feel like he is telling me through Omi that I should go with the magnolia.

Just yesterday, I was having a bit of a down day. I had a moment of doubt, thinking, what if this life is really ALL there is. What if he's just gone? And then I get this obvious sign that he's still with me. That he's paying attention. Thanks for that, Opa. I really did need it.

His birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. He would have been 88 on April 12th. I really wish that I could do this on/around his birthday. My friend at work and her husband have recently had some tats done and I really think he does good work. I think I might send the guy an email and give him an idea of what I want to do and see if he can give me an idea of what it'll cost. I was going to ask another friend's husband to draw it up, since he's a really good artist, but I have another, smaller piece that I want to do later that I think he'd be good with. I think this one would be better left to a tattoo artist. Maybe this piece could cost less than I'm expecting (wishful thinking, I suppose) and I could get it done for Opa's birthday.

Four Year Itch...

I want to get a tattoo...Badly. I have a couple already, which I'd say are relatively small in comparison to what I want to do now.

I got my first one a few months before turning 21. The place where I had it done was owned by a friend of Hubby's mom's boyfriend, so I guess they gave me a break, not being "of age" and all. Hubby was getting a new piercing at the time and as I waited, I looked at the pictures on the wall, thinking it would be cool to have a caricature of my black cat Bubba. The tat guy said that he could do it, I should just bring in a picture. Hubby talked me out of bringing in the pic and told me that I should just have them do one of the ones in the book. So that's what I did. I have a grey kitty, batting a ball of yarn on my left shoulder. It is cute. And I was very happy with the work that was done. But now, 8 years later, I wish that I would've had the caricature done afterall. It would've been more meaningful.

The second tat that I had done was almost four years ago and has a lot more significance. I was finished with all of my college classes, and graduation was a week away. I decided that I wanted to do something to remember my good times in the sorority. So, I got CheerBear (the pink carebear with a rainbow on her tummy - CheerBear was the nickname that I was given when I became a sister) and she's painting my sorority letters on my right calf. I came with this idea, rather than just picking something that was up on the wall. It has a lot more meaning to me than the first one.

So, for the new one!!! Shortly after Opa passed away, I thought that I wanted to get a tat in memory of him. At first, I had the idea of having a black & grey portrait of him done. I have an old photo of him as a young man and I thought it might be a nice tribute. So I began looking online for artists in the area that specifically do portraits. For something like that, I think it's incredibly important to find someone that is REALLY good at this. I would hate to have such an important tattoo done poorly. To look at a permanent piece of art that doesn't look exactly like my Opa...That would be horrible. So, I started to let the idea go and knew that I would come up with something sooner or later.

At Christmas, Omi & I had a moment of sadness, remembering Opa's love for cardinals, his friend Jose. One day, it just hit me. I should get a cardinal! But I wasn't sure how I wanted to have it done. Initially, I thought I'd do a cartoon-y version of the red bird. My standard "cute" choice. But as I thought about it more, I decided I wanted it to be more realistic. It's a memorial, not just some cute little birdy. I want beautiful, not cute. So, I began looking for images of cardinals, photos that I could draw some inspiration from. And then I just happened across a photo of a tat on a girl that was a bird in a tree branch. It was just incredible. Sooo...Here's a small compilation of my inspiration...

This is the photo that just completely grabbed me. I don't want it in the same place on my body, but only because my body looks nothing like that. :-) And the bird will be a cardinal. And I haven't yet decided on the type of tree...I'm thinking either a cherry tree or a magnolia.

This is the placement and about the size that I'd like the whole tat. It would be a branch, not the whole tree, so that I could accomodate the placement of the bird.

The rest are various images that I like and could be helpful...I really like this specific cardinal. Sometimes, they can look mean. But I don't get that from this guy. He just looks like a nice guy trying to stay warm.

A literal photo of what I'd like, complete with cherry blossoms:

Magnolia blossoms:

I'm having a difficult time deciding which type of flower/tree I'd like. I thought maybe if looked up the symbolism associated with each, that might make it easier for me...

Cherry Blossoms: In Japan, cherry blossoms symbolize the transience of life because of their short blooming times.

Magnolias: associated with nobility, perseverance and love of nature.

I think both flowers have appropriate sentiments behind them...Thoughts? Any artists out there want to take a stab at drawing this for me? I'd definitely pay for your work.

Perfection is a relative term...

So after this post, I was very hopeful that St. Catherine's would be my perfect home. Last weekend, I went to mass there and I had very high hopes. I had built it up in my head that I'd walk into the church and would hear the choir singing 'Hallelujah!'

It wasn't quite as wonderful as I'd hoped. There wasn't anything really wrong with it. I just felt a little let down. I was very impressed with the choir, who instead of being up the choir loft at the back of the church for no one to see, has a section at the front of the church. They all wear white choir robes and they are quite good. The best choir of all three churches that I attended. Although, based on the description of the music ministry on their website, I don't know if they are accepting new members?

The pews are far more comfortable than St. Mary's. It's also much smaller than St. Mary's. But it is VERY dark. Everything is made of dark brown brick. The stained glass windows are small and a bit abstract.

Another downside - I was bored by the priest's homily, who I would like to mention is very young. Couldn't be much older than I am. That would be nice...To be involved in a parish with at least one young priest. Someone who recognizes the importance of not only the older, more wealthy parishioners, but also the younger ones. The parishioners of the future. So, I guess Father Whatshisname Young-Guy is both a positive and a negative.

I don't know...When I consider all three churches, I think I liked St. Mary's the best. This surprises me. I've always liked to be a part of smaller communities and St. Mary's is far from small. But the things that draw me to St. Mary's is the opportunity to be active with youth ministry; the choir which wasn't awe-inspiring, but wasn't intimidating either; the quality of the homily; and the friendliness of the parishioners.

I do intend to give St. Catherine's another try this weekend. Maybe I just had it too built up in my mind to see that I really could make it my home. I was feeling let down, but that was my own fault.

I'm at about 50%...

I always end up all over the place in these posts...I have so much to say, and just want to tell you everything! Perhaps if I posted more than once every two weeks, I wouldn't feel the need to jam it all into one post. Oh well. I do. Get over it. :-)

In one of my more recent posts, I discussed resolutions. I've been doing quite well with the church one. I've gone to mass every weekend since the beginning of the year. Granted, that's only three weeks, but it's 2 more weeks than the last time I thought I was ready to go back. And frankly, I don't see myself slacking on this one. I feel really good about it. That first Sunday, I went back to St. Charles Borromeo (SCB), the church that sort of reminds me of my old "home." It's about the same size and probably about the same age. They've got a choir (which is very important to me - I NEED to get back singing) and it's the closest. But I wanted to check out some of the other churches in the area, to make sure that I find the one that is right for me.

So, for the last two weeks, I attended mass at St. Mary's. I don't think I've ever seen a Catholic church this big. When I pulled into the parking lot, I literally out-loud, to myself, exclaimed 'Holy Crap!' It looked enormous to me. Inside is beautiful. Very, very large. It was built in 2001, so it has these modern-ish features. I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable in a parish that is so enormous. I've always enjoyed being a part of small things - small church, small(ish) high school, small colleges, small company. It does seem like St. Mary's has a lot to offer, including a choir (and a youth group that is looking for adult volunteers!). But I have to admit, I feel a bit overwhelmed there. And to be perfectly honest, the pews are really uncomfortable. lol They're low to the ground, and I find it near impossible to kneel on the kneelers. Maybe a silly con, but a con still.

This coming weekend and the week after, I'm planning on going to St. Catherine's, which a bit further (maybe 15 or 20 minutes from home), but I've heard a lot of good things about it. My aunt/uncle/cousins live in the area, so I asked for some suggestions. My aunt and cousin highly suggested this one, saying that they have a nice choir, youth programs, and while it's not a small church by any stretch, it's not as gigantic as St. Mary's. One of my coworkers told me that this is the church that she grew up going to and says that she likes it much more than SCB, where she had her children baptized. I'm really excited to go to mass at St. Catherine's on Sunday. I'm hoping that this one will be the perfect fit for me.

My second resolution - keeping better track of my sugar levels - is going okay. I'm testing at least once a day (supposed to do twice a day). I'm often surprised to see how high it is. Especially in the morning. I guess knowing is part of the battle, though. If I know it's high, I can be better prepared to combat it.

My final resolution - the same one that I have had every year since I was probably 9 - is stagnant. I just don't have motivation. I'm not hashing this out again. I'm just sayin...1.5 out of 3 isn't too bad, right? :-/

In other news, my birthday was a week ago today. It was really a fantabulous birthday! Seriously, best birthday in years. I must have gotten about 200 emails/facebook posts/blogs wishing me a happy birthday. I spent some extra time that morning and curled my hair, wore my favorite sweater and was ready for a happy day. Hubby texted me and told me to get home by 4, so that we could go to dinner. I got to work and my coworkers had decorated my desk (it's a tradition to do this, and usually I'm the one in charge of remembering bdays and buying a card & balloon). They got me the COOLEST balloon! It's bigger than your standard mylar balloon and it's clear! (I used to collect balloons in high school...Yeah, I'm an oddity of sorts...) I got to leave work a bit early, so I did a bit of shopping. Then went to dinner at Olive Garden with the Hubs. It was really a great day. It doesn't take much.

I spent a good part of Saturday working on my resume. I've finally decided to stop being passive about the whole situation and hoping that it gets better. I sent it to my dad, who gave me some suggestions on improving it, so I'm intending to update it later this week and perhaps start applying for some job openings next week. I'm nervous about it, but I need to at least see what's out there.

Today is 4 months since Opa passed. I still get choked up (and usually in tears) on a pretty regular basis. Songs do it for me a lot of the time. My birthday was kinda tough. But I guess I'm doing better. I talk to him a lot. Especially when I got teary eyed. I do feel his presence and I know he's always listening. So I take those moments to tell him how much I miss him and love him.

Hubby asked to go back to 2nd shift yesterday. He thinks his 1st shift boss is out to get him. I don't know what to think. He has a bad track record with authority figures (as in he pisses off his boss for some stupid shit and gets fired...), so if he thinks the boss might be heading down that road, then I'm supportive of the 2nd shift. I was really liking him on 1st, though. It's nice to spend time with him before bed. And to actually sleep with him at night. And to wake up together. I told him that I would've liked him to stay on 1st, but not if it means that he's going to end up without a job!

I think that's all I've got on news...I may be posting a meme next...We'll see. I really should be working right now. But I'm at a bit of a standstill with work tasks, so meme-ing sounds a lot more interesting. :-)

Oh, the things I should be doing...

I have some stuff that I should be working on right now, but I'm SO not feeling it. Instead, I'll share my strange dream from last night.

I believe this dream was supposed be before my wedding or maybe some other big event. I was at a friend's house and he was doing my hair for this event. I believe that it was a trial run, not the actual event. Anyway, Steve's doing my hair and while he's in the middle of it, there were a couple other people that showed up (for some reason, I'm thinking it was my dad, but I'm not entirely sure) and they just stopped in to tell me that they were leaving. I think I thought I was supposed to go with them because I left Steve's and I started walking somewhere else.

I ended up in Park Forest, at Western Ave & Sauk Trail, waiting to cross the street and two of my sorority sisters appeared. I'm not exceptionally close to either of these girls, and I have NO IDEA a. why they showed up in this particular place and b. why they showed up in my dream at all! Jess & Wedgie (These are their real names/nicknames...I don't feel the need to protect them...There's no bad stuff goin on here...) gave me a hug and we walked together to Jess' parents' house, which was right on Western. We went inside and apparently Jess' parents owned a catering business and were going to cater this event. They were giving me samples of the food that they'd prepared and while they were kinda doubting the quality of the food (I remember meatballs...lol), I was very reassuring, letting them know how much I liked it.

And then I woke up. And I thought to myself 'What about a catering business........'

I could cook, which I love doing, and I would be involved in event planning, another thing that I love to do... A friend once asked me if I'd considered doing catering. I had been complaining about my current job and saying how much I love to cook. But a good friend has discouraged that idea, as she's had a lot of BAD experience with the restaurant business. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that a restaurant would not be good for me. I LOVE to cook, but at my own pace. I watch shows like Hells Kitchen & Top Chef and man, they've gotta bust ass. I just couldn't handle that shit. But a catering business...? That might be a little more relaxed...

Or maybe I'll just continue to work a desk job where I have a steady income and dread going in every morning and count down the hours til it's time to go home...:-P

Three Weeks

Wow...I can't believe it's been three weeks, already. It's incredible to me how quickly the time has gone by.


I guess I can say that things have gotten a bit easier. Or maybe it's just easier to push those sad thoughts to another corner of my brain while I try to get other things done. Because honestly, as soon as I think about Opa not being there, tears fill my eyes and I've got to swallow a lump the size of my ass, just to keep from breaking into sobs.


Omi called on Friday and told me that she's going to have the Memorial Service on the 25th. She asked me if I would speak at the services. I told her that I would, and through her tears, she asked me to tell some funny stories from when I was a kid. I was thinking about sharing one of our old knock knock jokes and maybe some of the tidbits that I shared in my blog the morning Daddy told me he'd passed.


I don't know if I've fully come to terms with him being gone. Since we haven't had any services, it just doesn't feel real to me. The time that I've spent at Mom & Dad's house just felt like he was at his own house, while Omi, Mom & I played dice and painted Mom's fingernails. No one talked about it. No one cried. We just went about life as if nothing had changed.

I'm really nervous about speaking at the memorial. I know that it will be good for me and for others to hear happy stories about him. But it just makes me sad that he's not there to remember those stories with us. I miss him so much...It's not like I saw him all the time. Three weeks is actually a pretty short amount of time to have gone by between visits. But the knowing that he won't be there the next time...I never truly understood what it meant to lose someone. To feel that sadness. I feel like words can't even express how much it hurts...To say I'm sad about the loss...It's so understated. I'm sad that the stupid Cubs can't pull their shit together to win a series. I'm sad that I have to spend most of my paycheck every week on bills. To say I'm sad about losing Opa? It just doesn't measure up.

I have so much shit going on in my life right now. Besides dealing with this, things at work are really up in the air. The week that Opa passed, we had people from the company that is buying from Bossman Bob in the office. They talked about employment contracts and benefits and the future of the company. They've decided to sign the 18 month employment contract for the 5 core team members. I am not a part of this core team. I also get NO sort of employment guarantee or anything. They're saying that we'll all keep our jobs, but they're unwilling to extend some kind of offer (not even an increased severance package) to the remaining three of us. They keep talking about how they want to grow the business and improve the software. How everything's going to be hunky dorey. I feel like I'd have to be an idiot to just blindly believe that everything's going to be okay for me.

So, I've been looking online for job postings. Talking to friends about openings where they work. I need to update my resume pronto. My dad is worried that I'm going to wait around and get canned and then it'll be too late. It's a gamble, ya know? On one hand, I go out looking for jobs and get an offer for a really good job, paying about the same as what I'm getting now, but I start over. I'm bottom of the barrel again. I have to learn all new tasks, get to know a whole new group of coworkers, develop a new routine. On the other hand, I could stay with my current company, and if things go well, I could end up having an important role in the development of the company. If they're serious about building up the company, it'd be good to get in early, right? There's so much more room for opportunity, that's what the core 5 team members keep telling the other three of us. But it also could go terribly wrong and I could end up laid off, with three weeks severance and then what? Unemployment until I find something that's maybe as good as what I was doing/making. Hubby's income plus unemployment is not going to be enough to cover our bills. I can't wait for that shoe to drop. I need to be proactive. I need to go out and find the next big thing. And just hope that it provides a better, more stable future for myself.

Anyway, my bad for being a little all over the place. Hope everyone's doing well. I've been a terrible blogger/blog reader lately. Sorry, ya'll. One of these days, I'll get back into the swing of things. Until then...

So...I'm on the hunt...

This week has just been a bad week. I'm ready for the weekend, already!!!

On Monday, we found out that Bossman Bob received a new offer for our company. (To catch up on the whole story, go here, here and here.) The new offer is much closer to what he was asking and it looks like he's going to take it. The three "managers" (who are really just programmers who've been here the longest) and one of the other programmers, who's been with the company for about 6 years, spent most of the day in our conference room, while JB and I worked in the office. When they came back to the office, they told us that basically we're looking at a buyout in the next 60 days or so. So, now the next step is to work with the new company on employment contracts - basically to make sure we all still have jobs. I asked one of the managers (Messy) if he thought this was going to be good or bad and he said that he thought it'd be a good thing for the company and for the software. The company that is buying us is much bigger, has more resources and has a better vision for the future.

JB was more interested in the contract negotiation, though. She asked when we'd be talking about it and Messy simply said that the "group" (the four programmers plus one more programmer who works part time) would be discussing it, but that everyone (the only remaining employees are myself, JB & one other programmer who's been here about a year) would be protected.

So, we both went about our business. Monday came and went. About halfway through Tuesday, the "group" were kind of talking in the office about benefits and whether or not they all approved of this or that. It was the kind of conversation where you know there's something not being said. So, JB went snooping. And very easily found a document that the "group" had put together. This document basically outlined our "demands". In it, the "4.5 core members" of the team would be guaranteed 18 months employment, whereas the "other 3 employees" get a 6 month contract and a chance to train for new roles.

I feel like they're throwing us under the bus. And I also feel like if JB hadn't gone snooping, we never would've known what was coming. She told me she asked one of the other managers this morning (Barbie) about what was going on and Barbie DID tell her about the 18 month/6 month variance. She said that the 5 of them have been with the company for longer and blah blah blah. JB and I have been here for 3 years, doesn't that count for something? I just feel like they're looking out for themselves and if we happen to keep our jobs in the process, that's super duper.

On one hand, if I were in their shoes, I would understand, but since it's my ass on the line, it makes me angry. And it makes me resent them for not looking out for the whole team, like they'd originally said they would. I know I've complained about my job and how I'm bored (and I am), but when it comes down to it, who wants to look for a new job in this shitty economy? Well, I do, since who knows if I'll have a job come next spring.

I called my dad last night and talked with him about the whole thing. He told me (and I was already planning) to update my resume and start looking for new jobs immediately. So, I have. I started doing some preliminary career builder searching last night. I'm going to contact my alma mater and see if they have some sort of placement assistance. It's just incredibly stressful. My dad also pointed out the fact that even though they're asking for six months for us, the buyer might say hell to the no, they get two weeks and then hasta la bye bye.

I need to think positively about the situation. A new job means new opportunities. New friends. Possibly a shorter drive to work. Maybe more moula. It's also terrifying.

By the end of the night yesterday, I was okay, though. I'd come to terms with it, I was psyching myself up about the potential goodness of this change.

Let me rewind just a second. A couple weeks ago, I posted about how I'm on this shitty ass late schedule and I hate it and couldn't wait til I could go back to my regular hours, remember? So, last night, I sent an email to the three managers, basically saying now that it's slowed down, I'd like to go back to the early hours. Messy had already left for the day, so Bouncy told me to remind them today. I send a reminder email this morning, and the response is basically that they want me to work 9-5 (or later) from here on out. WTMF???? I never wanted to work these hours. I got FUCKED because all of a sudden we need later coverage?

As much as I love JB and I'm happy for her that she's going to school and shit, it's her fault. She used to work the late shift and I had the early one. I liked it that way. I hate leaving work at six and not being able to do anything after work. I get home at 7 or later. I seriously cannot get a damn thing done working these hours. So, now that she has an unmovable schedule, I'm stuck with the shit hours. It's just bullshit. It just pissed me off to no end this morning. There's nothing I can do about it. I tried to hint to JB when I told her about it that it might be nice for her to work the late shift when she doesn't have class on T/Th, but she's got a kid at home. I can't ask her to be away from her child every night of the week. And as I'm typing those words, the other side of me wants to say it's HER choice to go to school three/four nights a week. Why do I have to sacrifice for her? Because I'm not a bitch. Because I let people walk on me. Because that's life. Suck it up and eat it.

So....Moral of this pissed off story is...If you know of anyone that's hiring in the Chicagoland area, give me a shout. I'm a smart girl; I learn quickly; I'm good with numbers and grammar. I'm a good team player. And I need a new job...Soon.

What to do...what to do...

I need opinions, Folks!

I recently found my 14 year old cousin on Facebook. We're so very not close. I think the last time that I saw her, she was maybe 9 or 10. Her dad (my mom's younger brother) is very bad about coming to visit and keeping us updated on his kids. I don't know if he keeps my gramma up to date with the girls (he has one daughter from his first marriage - 22 - and two daughters from his second marriage - 14 & 10).

Anyway, I found her on fb...I did a search for her name and this girl comes up, and I think she may be my cousin, but this girl looks more like 18 than 14. And like I said, I haven't seen her in probably 5 years. So, granted, a lot can change in those preteen years. So, I send her a message on fb, which basically said 'I think we're related, but I'm not really sure. If we are, friend me. If we aren't, sorry for the creepiness.' She replies back and has a total freak out (woahhh! yeahhh we are! holy crap i havnt talkd to u in years. wow! im shoched that you found me. its kinda cool tho; now i can finally talk to u! Sidenote: I officially hate internet speak. And children that can't spell...And PS. if you really wanted to talk to me, pick up a phone). We talked back and forth between emails a couple times. She didn't know that I got married three years ago (How do her parents not fill her in on these things? I mean, my uncle KNEW that I got married. Granted, he was too busy to show up, but he sent me a card about a month later and some cash, so he knew it went down. Why not tell your kid that her cousin tied the knot? Whatever.). I ask her what types of things she's into and she says she's been playing softball for years, to which I tell her I'd like to come see a softball game sometime. She gives me her mom's cell phone number, tells me I can get the info from her and that was pretty much the end of it.

So, here's the predicament...Now we're friends on fb. And I see all her photos and status updates and I'm like WTF is going on with this girl???? She and her friend are always taking these overly sexy, look at my boobs, my friend is in her underwear, I"M A HOOCHIE pics and posting them for the world to see. She started high school last week and by the end of the week, she and all her friends were talking about how she was supposed to get in a fight after school, but for whatever reason that never happened. I can't imagine that her dad knows about any of this shit. I'm sure her mom does (the parents are divorced now, but still live in the same house...Even though he has his own condo downtown...Awkward!), but I don't know that her mom would be concerned the way that I am. Her mom's a bit of a floozy herself. I dunno. I mean, yeah, I remember being 14. And it wasn't too long after I turned 14 that I started doing ... stuff... But Shit! Do I just go on and not say anything? Or do I mention this to my uncle (whom I haven't seen or spoken to in ages...)? Or should I contact her mom and chat with her at a softball game, maybe? I dunno what to do...Any ideas????

Happy monday

Good Morning, My blogging friends! I need your help!!

Hubby and I are doing some sort of vacay in a couple weeks and I'm in the market for a new swimsuit. I have a really cute one right now, but I'm unhappy with the way the bottom fits, so I tend to only wear the top with jeans while I'm working in the yard and such. So....I'm on the prowl. I've narrowed down my search to two suits - pictures below. Please let me know which one you like the best!

Images all from Fashion Bug