Pretty Sure I'm Losing My Mind...

I want to apologize up front for the bitching and moaning that are to come...I needed an outlet and what better way to vent than to update my otherwise quiet blog with irritated ranting. If you're not in the mood, please, move along. I won't be madatcha.

So, within a matter of days of my last uber-positive post, things sorta fell apart. The little red sister arrived, which was disappointing. I was a week late and was so excited that my body was tricking itself into all-day morning sickness. So there's that. And the same day that that little bitch arrived, Hubby was laid off from work. It's been over a month now and I'm starting to come unhinged.

The layoff was not due to anything he did. He was just next in line. He works for a company that prints and cuts labels - soup can labels, paint can labels, juice bottle labels. His job is to take the large, printed sheets and cut them down to specific sized labels. He belongs to a union and when he got this job, I believed that the union was going to be a great thing. Turns out that unions, and the politics associated with them, can really be a pain in the neck.

Another department at his company has been in negotiations with the company for months on their contract. For one reason or another, they just won't agree to the contracts that the company is offering to them. And each time a new offer is put together, it's a long process. As a way of proving to the company that everything they've stipulated is necessary, this department has slowed its production to a near standstill. They're putting out as little product as they can, which results in next to nothing for Hubby's department.

There have been other cutters laid off prior to Hubby, and we've just thanked our lucky stars that he wasn't included in the lay off, but this time, we weren't so lucky. He's been told that once production picks back up, he will get a call to come back to work. He trusts in that and has been collecting unemployment, and intends to continue to do so, until he gets that call. He has the highest seniority of all the folks on the callback list, so he's at the top of the list. His wife, however, is not so confident.

Who knows how long it's going to take to get this contract signed? It's already been months! Who's to say it won't take another 6 or 9 or 12 months before they can all come to an agreement??? He told me that he feels a "loyalty" to this company. That he doesn't want to go work for someone else because he likes the people that he works with, he gets along with the big boss, he makes good money and has good benefits... It's already been almost 5 weeks that he's been off work.

Here's the part where I really start bitching...:-P

He has no desire to even START LOOKING for a new job until he's been laid off for four months. That was the amount of time he told me that he'd be willing to wait. So, whether I like it or not, he's taking that summer vacation that I swore he wouldn't do this time around. And what does he do while he's not working? NOT A GD THING! He plays WoW from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. He pauses here and there to do things like: go to the kitchen and make a sandwich for lunch, go to the kitchen and unload the dishwasher - after I've called and had to ask him to do this, and stop in the kitchen to pick up the dinner that I made after I worked all day and then drove home for an hour. I think I'd have a less difficult time dealing with this layoff if he did something productive while he was home. Pick up around the house. Get started on one of the many projects you talk about doing. Make dinner. ANYTHING!

I was aggravated when I got home last night and nothing had been done. He couldn't even manage to certify with unemployment without my reminding him. Really?? Your brain is THAT taxed that you can't remember to do the one little 10 second thing that you have to do to earn your 2 weeks' pay? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!?????

His game is down for maintenance today. He swore he was going to do some work around the house, since he couldn't play all day. I didn't want to shit on him, but honestly, I will believe that when I see it. I think he'll maybe do a load of laundry, which I'll have to fluff and fold when I get home. And perhaps he'll do a half assed job of emptying the dishwasher, since he "doesn't know where certain things go"... And then he'll probably create a new character on the game on a different server that ISN"T having maintenance today because that's what all the rest of his lame ass friends are doing today.

I can't stand it. Get off your ass, Buddy! Do some work! Look for a job! Do something to make your wife not bitch about you right now!!! That's all I can do right now. Every conversation I have is somehow centered around the fact that I don't have money to spend (because, sue me, that's what I enjoy doing...Whether it's on food or makeup or getting my hair done or *gasp* paying the effing bills) or my husband is a jackass and I'm fed up to my ears with it!!!

He hasn't left the house since Mother's Day. And the only reason he's breaking that record this weekend is because his mother would murder him if he didn't show up.

But what can I do? I can't force him to look for a job. I can't make him be more helpful at home. Sure, I could get angry and yell and tell him he sucks at life right now. But what will that accomplish? I'll tell you what would happen if I did that - he'd backtalk his way out of it, make me feel guilty for making him feel like "less of a man" and then he'd storm off to his cave and we'd continue on for the next 11 and a half weeks the same way we have been for the last 5. I wish to God that I could change him...

There's a country song, 'The Man I Want to Be,' that says everything I wish he would say and feel. I wish he could get to that point where he realizes that he acts like a selfish child 90% of the time. And I wish that he had the desire to change.

Okay...I think I got it out of my system. Until someone asks me how I'm doing. At which point, I will provide them with far more information than they ever wanted when they were simply being polite and hoping for a polite 'Fine, thanks,' in return.

Warning: Negativity Ahead

I'm in a real funk lately...I just kinda feel like everything sucks. I have good, smiley moments. But most of the time, I'm just feeling like I'm down in the dumps. Life is not good right now. We don't have money, creditors/bill collectors are calling me nonstop. We're on hold with the refi, which is mostly the reason that the bills are going unpaid. I'm holding on to our cash to make sure we have enough to cover the mortgage, if we have to. My grandfather is gone. The future of my job is unknown. I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm just in such a negative mood. Last night, I seriously considered crawling into the corner of the closet and staying there. I know how ridiculous that sounds. Believe me. But at the same time, it sounds so much more comforting than dealing with everything.

I hate feeling like this. I don't usually consider myself a negative person. I really do think I'm a glass half full kind of girl. But I just can't shake this feeling of sadness. I don't know. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with Opa's passing. Maybe it's how I'm dealing with all of the shit. I just feel like everything is crappy. I shuffle through my work day, not really investing myself in the work. Pretty much just doing whatever I need to do to get through the day and meet deadlines. And even with that, I'm getting fucked over. But that's been going on for a while. Normally, I would look forward to going home and making dinner, spending some time with my tv shows and my kitties. I don't even feel like doing that much anymore. I don't have time to make dinner, since I don't get home til 6 at the earliest. I just make some bullshit and go to bed at 8 or 9, whenever Hubby gets sleepy.

Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. I got stuck at work late, even though I came in early, and then Hubby didn't want to make dinner, asked me to bring home some drivethru shit. So, I did. We ate together, watched The Office and then were in bed by 7:45. We laid there, chatting for an hour, and when he rolled over to go to sleep, I couldn't sleep. I laid there and just started crying. I just feel so sad about everything. I wish I could go back to a time in my life where things weren't like this. Where I didn't feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It's so ridiculous. I know there are so many people that are so much worse off. I'm sure that I have plenty of reasons to be positive about life. But I just can't seem to focus on anything other than the negative.

Really, if I could just crawl into a hole and stay there for a few months...That would be awesome. Let this whole work thing play out however it's going to. Maybe the pain that I feel about Opa wouldn't be so fresh and wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe someone else could worry about the bills and the house and the shitting cat. Maybe I could mysteriously get knocked up. Maybe I could lose some weight. I wouldn't need to eat...It would be like hibernating...

I know this post is totally disjointed and perhaps redundant. I just needed to get it out there. Maybe if I dump it all on my blog, it won't be in my GD head so much.

Nice 100th post, huh?

A vibrating WHAT?

This morning, as I'm putting my makeup on, I vaguely remember seeing a commercial last night for a vibrating mascara....

I had to Google it to make sure I didn't dream it.

And sure enough, Maybelline has created Pulse Perfection, and here's what the website has to say about this new product:

Why You'll Love It:

• It’s our first vibrating mascara. Transforms your lashes to perfection.
• Patent-pending elastomer brush vibrates 7,000 times per stroke
• Provides clump-free definition, intense color, and shine
• Waterproof; also available in washable formula
• Builds lash volume, length, and adds curl
• Buildable formula
• Ideal for All Skin Types
• Contact lens safe

Really? We can't just wiggle the wand by ourselves anymore? All I see is poking myself in the eye with this vibrating stick. No. No thanks. I'll handle it on my own, thanks...

On a completely unrelated note...I watched "More To Love" last night - thank you internet for making tv shows available to me after the fact. The premise of this Fox show, if you haven't heard about it, is like a Bachelor show - one guy, 20 women, all looking to find love - but rather than the size 2's that you see on the Bachelor, these women are "average" sized. The guy is 6'3" and 300+ lbs and the woman all have curves. Some Most even have rolls! And double chins. And guess what! They're still beautiful...some of them anyway. And the ones that I found unattractive were not so because of their size, but because of their personalities or their attitudes or they were just really not cute.

The show aired on Tuesday night, so I read a couple reviews of the show yesterday, before watching, and they were mostly negative reviews. It seemed that these other bloggers (who I'm not entirely fond of, I have to admit...Obviously, I'm all for Fat Acceptance, but to what extent...? I think some of the "Fatosphere" has blown things out of proportion - no pun intended) felt like the show was a bit contrived and that the guy was corny and that there was too much crying...So, I went into watching the show as if I wasn't going to like it.

Overall, I enjoyed the show. I found it very similar to the Bachelor - I didn't think that Luke was any more or less corny than any other guy that's been on the show (or any other guy that's hit on me, for that matter).

I did think that some of the girls were a little overly emotional in their solo interviews, but I can understand why they might be. They've spent so much of their lives feeling like they're not good enough. A number of them said they'd never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, didn't go to prom...On one hand, I feel bad for them. It sucks to be 20 something years old and never have experienced what it's like to go out on a nice date. Or to never have been in a relationship. But on the other hand, I feel like these girls are all so pretty. And I know from experience that there is a plethora of men out there that will date a fat girl. Sometimes, you just have to put yourself on the line. Be confident that whether you weigh 120, 220 or 320, you can still be a beautiful person. And if someone can't see past the extra flesh or a few stretch marks, then they aren't worth your time. Have a good cry that Mr. X doesn't like you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out and find the next object of your affection.

I'm going to be excited to watch how this show goes. And I'll be excited to see if they do a "Bachelorette" version next.

Weekend Update

This weekend was pretty uneventful. To make it appear more interesting, I present to you this week's Weekend Update in List form! Oooh...Ahhh....

Friday

• Grocery Shopping After Work - Not NEARLY as crowded as I was expecting. Might make this my new grocery day.
• Shake n Bake chicken with baked taters for dinner - Yum!
• A glass bottle of blackberry wine
• TV and internet til 2 am

Saturday

• Woke up at 7am, despite Hubby's attempts to let me continue sleeping
• More TV shows (Hell's Kitchen has started again and BOY! does it look like it's going to be a great season. Not to mention my FAVORITE chef from last season, who had to leave due to health issues, is BACK FOR THIS SEASON!!! YAY ROBERT!!!!!!!!!!!)
• Created my house in the Sims 3 - I did a damn good job. I should have taken screen shots.
• Created Hubby and myself in Sims 3
• Played our sims and immediately had us create a baby...If only it was really that easy.
• Made/ate dinner

Sunday

• More simming...It's an addiction, what can I say?
• Made spaghetti sauce with Hubby - awesome batch. Thick and luscious. Fabulous sausage from the newly-found butcher.
• Managed to keep the kitchen clean while sauce bubbled all day.

Yeah, that's it. I was happy to have a task-free weekend. But I really meant to create a new layout and wash my car. Oh well. Maybe this weekend?

Yeah, I'd probably jump...

...that is, if everyone else jumped first...Yay for following the leader(s).

Outside my window- The intersection of Busy and Busier...And a LOT of humidity. I'm happy right here, thankyouverymuch.

I am thinking- How horrible it's going to be to drive home...My AC's out and apparently the Heat Index is 105. Hopefully my fat ass doesn't pass out trying to drive home.

I am thankful for- My paycheck (Oh yeah, friends & fam, too ;-))

From the kitchen- Tonight's dinner will be Shake n Bake Chicken, I think...I was going to grill, but seriously, after the drive home, I'm not going to want to set foot outside.

I am creating- *hopefully* some sort of photography backdrop...Sorta depends on whether or not Hubby buys the PVC pipe that I asked him to get.

I am wearing- jeans, a blouse and gym shoes...Pretty typical outfit for myself.

I am going- to the kitchen on the other side of the floor to make my lunch

I am reading- "Let Us Eat Cake" by Sharon Boorstin

I am hoping- that my company's president decides to sell. It'll force me to look for something new.

I am hearing- a couple programmers chatting and everyone else typing or clicking their mouse buttons.

Around the house- It's messy...And my husband is supposed to do the dishes...I'm betting they'll still be there when I get home.

One of my favorite things- Swimming and/or playing in the pool or beach

A few plans for the rest of the week- work, clean, work, suffocate in my car multiple times, spread some mulch around in the yard, take some photos, go to photography class, work

A picture to share- I'll have to edit and post this later. I have some from the thunderstorm last week that I haven't dumped off the cam yet.

Curtains Down

Jacked! Rose @ Delightfully Inappropriate posted this gem over the weekend and I couldn't wait to do it myself. I <3 Memes like no other! The rules are....

1. Put your iTunes (or other Music Player) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!Add some commentary if you’d like.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?? "Too Much" DMB [Actually...That's a response that I give Hubby all the time. Good call iPod!]
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? "Paper Bag" Anna Nalick [I'll take it]
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "She Don't Use Jelly" Flaming Lips [lmao!!!]
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? "Lemme Get That" Rihanna [Hellz Yeah!!!]
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? "Love Don't Live Here Anymore" Madonna [Uh, so very untrue]
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Scarlet Begonias" Sublime
WHAT IS 2+2? "I Know Why" Sheryl Crow
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS? "If I Never See Your Face Again" Maroon 5 [I wouldn't say that about my "best" friends...]
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "No Sleep Til Brooklyn" Beastie Boys
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "It Did" Brad Paisley [Awww...Me likey!]
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "The Heat Is On" Glenn Frey [Hell yeah!! lol]
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Could've Been Me" Billy Ray Cyrus [a. Don't give me shit. b. Touche]
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Online" Brad Paisley [ha ha! Seriously!]
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Money Can't Buy It" Annie Lennox [No, I definitely did not]
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "You Oughta Know" Alanis Morisette
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Can I Have it Like That" Pharell & Gwen Stefani [Hmmm..]
HOW WILL YOU DIE? "She's Good For You" Deana Carter
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? "Lightning Crashes" Live [Yeah, I can see that...This song takes me back to a time when I did some things that I'm not totally proud of...]
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? "Cool" John Michael Montgomery
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? "New Thrash" Sublime
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? "Figure It Out" Maroon 5 [lol...Yeah, duh!]
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? "You Know I'm No Good" Amy Winehouse
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? "Sharp Dressed Man" David Cook & ZZ Top [Oh yeah? Sweet!]
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? "Everyday" DMB [Wow...I wouldn't go that far!]
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? "No Time for Tears" Jo Dee Messina
HOW AM I FEELING TODAY? "Cigarette" Ben Folds Five [Nope, I'm good on that.]
WILL I GET FAR IN LIFE? "I Keep Coming Back" Josh Gracin [Hmm...]
HOW DO MY FRIENDS SEE ME? "You Don't Know How it Feels" Sara Evans
WHAT IS MY BEST FRIEND’S THEME SONG? "Saturday Night" Jo Dee Messina [Ha! Yeah, at some point in their lives, I think this song is a great theme song for each of them!]
WHAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE? "Mean Girls" Sugarland [OMFG! Hell yes!]
WHAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL LIKE? "Get Down Tonight" KC & the Sunshine Band [lmfao! I'd say that's pretty accurate. I loved high school...Well, at least the second half]
HOW CAN I GET AHEAD IN LIFE? "Breathe" Anna Nalick [Good advice]
WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT ME? "All or Nothing" Milli Vanilli
HOW IS TODAY GOING TO BE? "These Are the Days" The Calling [Aw, that's nice]
WHAT IS IN STORE FOR THIS WEEKEND? "Butterfly" Jason Mraz
WHAT SONG DESCRIBES MY PARENTS? "No Such Thing" John Mayer [I dunno about all that]
TO DESCRIBE MY GRANDPARENTS? "Follow Your Bliss" B-52's [Aw...They did, too. They met in Germany when my Grandfather was overseas with the army. They had a small wedding over there and came back to the states to begin their lives together. Almost 60 years strong. They've been through so much together. I love them so much!]
HOW IS MY LIFE GOING? "Hero" Mariah Carey [I'll take that, though I'm thinking more about my mom than myself]
WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT MY FUNERAL? "Lost Children" Tom Petty [Seriously? That's not so nice...]
HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE ME? "March of the Pigs" Nine Inch Nails [Ouch]
WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE? "Dead Souls" Nine Inch Nails [This just got very depressing...And what's with two NiN songs in a row?]
WHAT DO MY FRIEND’S REALLY THINK OF ME? "White Trash Wedding" Dixie Chicks [Aw HHEEELLLLL NO! lol]
DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME? "Alberta" Eric Clapton
HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY? "Disappear" Bubba Sparxxx [Wow...I'll keep that in mind..]
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? "Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" Nirvana [Seattle, huh?]
WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN? "Addicted" Saving Abel [Hmmm...]
WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME? "Jailhouse" Sublime [Uh, I think not.]
HOW WILL I BE REMEMBERED? "Can't Buy You Money" Toby Keith
WHAT IS MY SIGNATURE DANCING SONG? "I Love This Bar" Toby Keith [I dunno about dancing, but Kareoke, for SURE!]
WHAT DO I THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? "Take a Bow" Madonna [Pfft...Not!]
WHAT DOES EVERYONE ELSE THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? "I Think We're Alone Now" Tiffany [Whoa...I'm not sure I like that...]
WHAT TYPE OF MEN/WOMEN DO YOU LIKE? "Defying Gravity" Idina Menzel/Kristin Chenoweth
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "Curtains Down" Eminem

"You develop a 're-pore'..."

REPORE!?!!??? Geez, Guy!

I'm watching 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition' on ABC.com, and on the latest episode, they were building a home for a family that took in a WHOLE LOT of wild animals. They had something like 50 big cats (tigers, leopards, lynxes) that other people had assumingly purchased on the black market and then given up when the animals got to be too much. The family's house was in serious need of some help and EMHE came to the rescue. It was a great story, I cried when I was supposed to and laughed when Ty and the designers were goofy and ridiculous. And in the middle of it all, one of the volunteers was talking about how each of the animals are different and have their own personalities and how you develop a 'repore' with each one...I wanted to strangle him through the screen. Dude, if you're going to be on national tv, try not to look like a doofus. I understand that the word 'rapport' is not spelled how it sounds and a lot of people may think that repore is the correct spelling of the word. But to accentuate the E (Re-pore), you just sound dumb.

There are a lot of stupid things like this that bug me. And I thought I'd share. :-)