Yesterday, I hit a weightloss of 30 pounds. Yay!
I've been going at it for just over 8 weeks and I really am feeling good about myself. I'm noticing that I'm not so completely winded after going up a flight or two of stairs. I have the energy to walk across the parking lot, instead of driving around looking for the closest one (although, I have to admit, I will take a front spot if it's there on my first pass).
My success is largely contributed to www.myfitnesspal.com. I've been using it to track my calories & carbs and the exercise I've been doing (Yes, you read that right...More about working out later). I'm really proud of myself for committing to the changes that I decided to make.
For the most part, it's been pretty easy. I don't ever feel like I'm starving myself. I'm not forcing myself to eat foods that taste like tree bark and dog food. There are a few things that I used to eat pretty religiously that I haven't had in two months. Things like chips and apple juice. But also carbs - they are my absolute favorite thing to eat - pasta, potatoes, bread - but they're bad news, for the most part. So, I've started eating whole grain breads, which aren't bad. Baked sweet potatoes and mashed cauliflower have been pretty good substitutes for the higher white potato versions. And pasta...Well, that's the biggest kicker. I think if I had to choose one food to live on for the rest of eternity, I would choose noodles in some form - probably Omi's spaetzle. So when I chose to go low carb for diabetes reasons, I knew this was going to be the worst part for me. I tried whole wheat pasta and that's okay, but still not quite the same. And then I learned about a product called Dreamfield's Low Carb Pasta. And I heard the angels sing. :-) The stuff tastes, looks, behaves like regular old pasta. But it's much better for you, if you're a diabetic. Higher fiber and a lower glycemic index.
So, more about that sweating business...I hate it. I absolutely hate every minute of it. My favorite part is when the trainer on the video tells me I'm all done. But then I feel good about it. I know the sweat that's dripping off of me is bringing me closer to my goals. I purchased two videos - The Biggest Loser vol. 1 & Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Bob Harper is the trainer on the first one and I like him so much better than Jillian. I alternate workouts - 1 day of cardio with Bob, 1 day of strength with Bob, 1 day of Jillian and then a day of rest. In an average week, I'm working out 30 minutes/day, 6 days/week. And despite hating it for those 30 minutes, when it's all done, I am SO glad that I did. I feel proud that I'm doing something positive for myself.
And some non-scale-victories that I've had:
1. My jeans are all fitting much looser. I'm pretty sure most of the 30lbs that I've lost has come from my ass and hips. I think I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit this week.
2. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference and have told me that they can see my face looks thinner. Looks the same to me, but I stare at the damn thing for much longer than they do. :-)
3. My health is improving. Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a followup to starting on the insulin. The nurse who weighed me and the doctor were floored that I'd lost so much weight in such a short period of time. But more importantly, two of the oral medications that I'm on (that were maxxed out) have been cut in half. My blood sugar is in the normal range. AND! My blood pressure (which is usually high when I go to the doctor) was normal for my last two appointments.
4. Finally, I FEEL better. I always kind of thought it was bullshit when people would say 'I feel so much better now that I've lost weight. I have more energy. I feel more positive.' I thought it was all in their heads. And maybe it is. But it's in MY head now, too. :-)
My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month. I think that's a pretty achievable goal. I joined a challenge group on MFP that helps everyone doing it to keep motivated and held accountable. It's a 12 week challenge and you set mini goals along the way. At the end of the challenge (September 1st), I hope to be down 30 more pounds!
And hey, if you're jumping on the weightloss bandwagon, check out My Fitness Pal. Look me up (username: jagrib0112)! I'll be your friend! :-)
Showing posts with label baby steps. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby steps. Show all posts
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Update on Weight Loss
Well, I'm still going strong. As of this morning, I'm down 17lbs. Yay me!
I don't know that I really notice a difference at all. I guess my jeans are fitting a little looser. Although, that could just be because I'm on day 3 with these jeans (does anyone else do that? I hope you don't think I'm nasty for wearing a pair of jeans for a few days before they get washed...I actually read someplace that you shouldn't EVER wash jeans...Just rinse them with cold water every once in a while and air dry...That's a little much for me...).
Anyway, I'm proud that I'm still sticking to it. There have been a few times where I've been tempted (like last night) to take the easy way out and just pick something up for dinner, instead of cooking, but then I think about the progress that I've made and I don't want to deal with the repercussions of having a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal instead of a Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinner as my quick, easy, lazy option. And then I'm proud when I get up the next morning and I'm a pound lighter than I was yesterday.
I'm being really honest with myself and everyone in my life about what I'm doing. It's holding me accountable. And I'm really happy to be able to report my weight loss when someone asks me how it's going. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself too much. The most difficult part (other than trying to convince myself to workout...I'm not very convincing) has been reducing my carbs. I miss pasta more than anything else. I haven't given up pasta/carbs all together, but there's been a huge reduction. I was reading about a low carb pasta made by a company called Dreamfields. You better believe that's the first item on my grocery list for today. Not that I can feast on a bowl of low carb angel hair, but at least I have less guilt having it as a small side with something else.
My mother in law has joined the site that I'm using and called me last night to talk about how it works. It's sort of like Facebook, in that you have something very similar to the fb Wall, where you can post little blurbs. When you weigh in and complete your food/exercise journals for the day, it posts to your Wall. You can "friend" people and help to encourage one another. There's also a number of forums/message boards where you can ask questions, share recipes, etc. So, if you're interested in joining, search for me by my email address and we can be buddies! The name of the site is MyFitnessPal and it's super easy to use.
Oh, and PS, since I've been on this new eating plan (it's not a diet - diets end...This is a lifestyle change!), my skin is so much prettier!!!! I don't know if it's the lack of crap going in or the increase in water consumption, but I've got so much less breakouts! Awesome side effect!
I don't know that I really notice a difference at all. I guess my jeans are fitting a little looser. Although, that could just be because I'm on day 3 with these jeans (does anyone else do that? I hope you don't think I'm nasty for wearing a pair of jeans for a few days before they get washed...I actually read someplace that you shouldn't EVER wash jeans...Just rinse them with cold water every once in a while and air dry...That's a little much for me...).
Anyway, I'm proud that I'm still sticking to it. There have been a few times where I've been tempted (like last night) to take the easy way out and just pick something up for dinner, instead of cooking, but then I think about the progress that I've made and I don't want to deal with the repercussions of having a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal instead of a Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinner as my quick, easy, lazy option. And then I'm proud when I get up the next morning and I'm a pound lighter than I was yesterday.
I'm being really honest with myself and everyone in my life about what I'm doing. It's holding me accountable. And I'm really happy to be able to report my weight loss when someone asks me how it's going. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself too much. The most difficult part (other than trying to convince myself to workout...I'm not very convincing) has been reducing my carbs. I miss pasta more than anything else. I haven't given up pasta/carbs all together, but there's been a huge reduction. I was reading about a low carb pasta made by a company called Dreamfields. You better believe that's the first item on my grocery list for today. Not that I can feast on a bowl of low carb angel hair, but at least I have less guilt having it as a small side with something else.
My mother in law has joined the site that I'm using and called me last night to talk about how it works. It's sort of like Facebook, in that you have something very similar to the fb Wall, where you can post little blurbs. When you weigh in and complete your food/exercise journals for the day, it posts to your Wall. You can "friend" people and help to encourage one another. There's also a number of forums/message boards where you can ask questions, share recipes, etc. So, if you're interested in joining, search for me by my email address and we can be buddies! The name of the site is MyFitnessPal and it's super easy to use.
Oh, and PS, since I've been on this new eating plan (it's not a diet - diets end...This is a lifestyle change!), my skin is so much prettier!!!! I don't know if it's the lack of crap going in or the increase in water consumption, but I've got so much less breakouts! Awesome side effect!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Yep, I did it again
I was doing so well! Staying on top of my blog. Giving updates and little tidbits. And then my 30 day challenge threw me a curveball and I disappeared again. :-P I'll get back on that wagon soon. But today, I have something special to talk about.
I know I've said it many times before, but this time, there is no choice. I'm taking control of my health. About three weeks ago, I had an appointment at the doctor to have some labwork done. My prescriptions had run out and the doctor wasn't going to give me refills until I'd come in and had my glucose levels checked. So I obediently had my levels checked and they were off the charts. From October to March, my A1C level (which is a measurement of your glucose % levels over a 2-3 month period and should be under 7) had gone from 7.2 to 12.2. My blood sugar was over 300, and should have been somewhere around 120.
The next day, the office called me back and said that my doctor wanted to see me to discuss going on insulin.
Pause. Let's rewind a minute. Almost six years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I was put on a low dose of a medication called metformin, that is supposed to help lower your glucose levels and the hope was that I would lose a little weight and the blood sugar issues would go away. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I didn't understand the seriousness of diabetes. I didn't make the life changes that were necessary to make this issue go away. I continued to eat and live in the same way I had been for the 24 years previous.
Over the next six years, I continued to see my doctor regularly and for a while, things were under control. But I'd say after I got married and then more recently, when we bought our house, it just continued to get worse and worse. That initial medication that I was taking is now at the highest dosage, plus I take the highest dosage of two other medications that are supposed to do the same thing.
So, now, like I said - the doctor wants to have me go on insulin. And in that moment, it hit me. Who wants to inject themselves every day? Especially if you can do something to change it! So, I'm making changes in my life. I'm learning more about diabetes, I'm trying to change my eating habits and learn how to make more healthy meals. I haven't quite bridged the gap of exercise, but maybe I'll get there soon.
That being said, since I've started my new way of life, I've lost six pounds. In the big picture, that's peanuts. But all things considered, I think that's an awesome start to this uphill battle. This weekend, with the holiday that's centered around an enormous meal, filled with things that I just love, may be a challenge. But I can do it!
I know I've said it many times before, but this time, there is no choice. I'm taking control of my health. About three weeks ago, I had an appointment at the doctor to have some labwork done. My prescriptions had run out and the doctor wasn't going to give me refills until I'd come in and had my glucose levels checked. So I obediently had my levels checked and they were off the charts. From October to March, my A1C level (which is a measurement of your glucose % levels over a 2-3 month period and should be under 7) had gone from 7.2 to 12.2. My blood sugar was over 300, and should have been somewhere around 120.
The next day, the office called me back and said that my doctor wanted to see me to discuss going on insulin.
Pause. Let's rewind a minute. Almost six years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I was put on a low dose of a medication called metformin, that is supposed to help lower your glucose levels and the hope was that I would lose a little weight and the blood sugar issues would go away. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I didn't understand the seriousness of diabetes. I didn't make the life changes that were necessary to make this issue go away. I continued to eat and live in the same way I had been for the 24 years previous.
Over the next six years, I continued to see my doctor regularly and for a while, things were under control. But I'd say after I got married and then more recently, when we bought our house, it just continued to get worse and worse. That initial medication that I was taking is now at the highest dosage, plus I take the highest dosage of two other medications that are supposed to do the same thing.
So, now, like I said - the doctor wants to have me go on insulin. And in that moment, it hit me. Who wants to inject themselves every day? Especially if you can do something to change it! So, I'm making changes in my life. I'm learning more about diabetes, I'm trying to change my eating habits and learn how to make more healthy meals. I haven't quite bridged the gap of exercise, but maybe I'll get there soon.
That being said, since I've started my new way of life, I've lost six pounds. In the big picture, that's peanuts. But all things considered, I think that's an awesome start to this uphill battle. This weekend, with the holiday that's centered around an enormous meal, filled with things that I just love, may be a challenge. But I can do it!
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
Monday, May 3, 2010
It's all turning up roses...
I was chatting with a friend yesterday online, and she was asking how I'm doing...Asked about work and the house and the baby making and life in general. And I couldn't help but gush. Everything is really good right now. And as I'm prone to do, I keep waiting for the shit to hit the fan. But so far, so good.
I feel like my relationship with Hubby has really taken a huge step in the right direction. We're getting along well, we spend time together on the weekend, he's been acting right and overall, I'm just happy with the way things are going with us.
The house is great, and although it's never as clean as it could be, it's clean enough. :-) I planted some pretty flowers yesterday while Hubby mowed the lawn. I made an excellent dinner and I'm really proud that my cooking skills are constantly improving. I think for a while, I was more concerned with finding a new dish every time I cooked. But I'm starting to learn that it's not always about newer, but it's about perfecting the things that you like. It's always been a challenge to find meals that I could make that don't come frozen in a box that Hubby would enjoy. I've got about 5 different meals that I can make for him that I know will get good reviews. It's definitely time to start looking for a 6th to put into the mix.
Babymaking is going well. Hubby IS ON BOARD. We made a good, solid effort this month and I'm still waiting to find out if it worked. Aunt Flo was supposed to arrive on Friday, and there's no signs that she's on her way. But I'm hesitant to get excited. This isn't the first time I've been a few days late and I really just don't want to crush that hope quite yet. I haven't taken a test yet. I feel like jumping the gun will jinx it. I know how absolutely silly that is. I know that if I am pregnant, taking a test now as opposed to next weekend isn't going to change the outcome. But...I dunno... I've been saying prayers that are supposed to help concieve and praying to the patron saint of pregnany (St. Gerard) and just wishing & hoping real hard. :-)
In other news, I started making a new friend in the choir. Her name is Kimberly and she seems very nice. She's probably about my age and sits next to me in rehearsal & mass. Last week, at rehearsal, we got a chance to talk a bit and get to know one another. I hate that I'm shy when first meeting a person. Not that when prompted, I don't answer. Just that I can't get it together to strike up the conversation. If you start it, I promise, I'll chat your ear off. It'll be nice to make a new friend that actually lives nearby. My BFF is really my only friend that lives within 45 minutes of my house, so it'll be cool to have another person to hang out with, assuming it gets to that point.
Anyway, life is good. I hope that it stays this way. I hope that life continues to go in the positive direction that it has been. :-)
I feel like my relationship with Hubby has really taken a huge step in the right direction. We're getting along well, we spend time together on the weekend, he's been acting right and overall, I'm just happy with the way things are going with us.
The house is great, and although it's never as clean as it could be, it's clean enough. :-) I planted some pretty flowers yesterday while Hubby mowed the lawn. I made an excellent dinner and I'm really proud that my cooking skills are constantly improving. I think for a while, I was more concerned with finding a new dish every time I cooked. But I'm starting to learn that it's not always about newer, but it's about perfecting the things that you like. It's always been a challenge to find meals that I could make that don't come frozen in a box that Hubby would enjoy. I've got about 5 different meals that I can make for him that I know will get good reviews. It's definitely time to start looking for a 6th to put into the mix.
Babymaking is going well. Hubby IS ON BOARD. We made a good, solid effort this month and I'm still waiting to find out if it worked. Aunt Flo was supposed to arrive on Friday, and there's no signs that she's on her way. But I'm hesitant to get excited. This isn't the first time I've been a few days late and I really just don't want to crush that hope quite yet. I haven't taken a test yet. I feel like jumping the gun will jinx it. I know how absolutely silly that is. I know that if I am pregnant, taking a test now as opposed to next weekend isn't going to change the outcome. But...I dunno... I've been saying prayers that are supposed to help concieve and praying to the patron saint of pregnany (St. Gerard) and just wishing & hoping real hard. :-)
In other news, I started making a new friend in the choir. Her name is Kimberly and she seems very nice. She's probably about my age and sits next to me in rehearsal & mass. Last week, at rehearsal, we got a chance to talk a bit and get to know one another. I hate that I'm shy when first meeting a person. Not that when prompted, I don't answer. Just that I can't get it together to strike up the conversation. If you start it, I promise, I'll chat your ear off. It'll be nice to make a new friend that actually lives nearby. My BFF is really my only friend that lives within 45 minutes of my house, so it'll be cool to have another person to hang out with, assuming it gets to that point.
Anyway, life is good. I hope that it stays this way. I hope that life continues to go in the positive direction that it has been. :-)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Best. Weekend. Ever.
Okay, maybe not ever, but it really was a nice weekend. And I had every intention of telling everyone all about it yesterday and then stupid work got out of hand. I was actually required to focus on my job. :-P
Oh, but today is another story. I have the time to tell you all about my fantastic weekend today!
It started with Friday...I decided to take a half day on Friday. Initially, I thought we were going to have my mother-in-law over for Easter dinner this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I gave myself plenty of time for cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. Then Hubby decided that he didn't want to do all that work (Pfft...Yeah, like he'd really be doing the work...), so we decided that we'd join the rest of the family at his aunt's house for the holiday. But I'd already requested the afternoon off, so I wasn't about to reneg on that.
So, I took the afternoon and did some shoe shopping!! I've really wanted to get some cute flats - something with a print, like a zebra or leopard print. Or some funky color. I'd bought some super cute ones from Kohl's the weekend before, but didn't try them on until I got home and found that they didn't fit. So, I returned those and then headed out to Shoe Carnival. I tried on probably 20 different shoes. They were all either too big or too small or not wide enough. I finally found a cute pair of silver flats. They weren't exactly what I'd had in mind, but they were close enough.
After shopping for like 3 hours (how the hell does the time go so quickly????), I finally headed home, made myself a tasty dinner and got ready to... Wait for it... GO OUT! My BFF has made some friends in her new town and she invited me to hang out with them on Friday night. We called another one of our girlfriends and she actually came out with us, too. I have to admit, I have a minor crush on one of BFF's buddies, so that's always fun. Last time I went out with all of them, I had a good time, but when you have to drive 30 minutes home, it's a bit restricting. So, I asked Hubby, if I could find a ride out to the bar, would he come pick me up. At first, there was some resistance, but he eventually said he would come get me. Even if it meant he had to go home for a while and then come back out to get me.
So BFF came out to get me and we hung out with all her people. It was a great time. Her friends are all very nice; a lot of fun! They convinced me, after quite a few shots, to sing at karaoke, which was alright. I get super nervous singing in front of people. I get all shaky and my voice sorta dies. But I think I did alright. Everyone said what a nice job I did, but I'm a firm believer that what people say and what they mean can be very different things. Hubby came to get me and, to my amazement, came in the bar and met everyone. I later found out that if I'd asked, he would have stayed and hung out for another hour until the bar closed. But I was ready to go. There was a minor amount of drama with BFF and her boyfriend, and I was kinda bored by that point. And I was really happy that Hubby was being so...social!!
We went home and had ourselves a nice, halfway drunken time. :-)
Saturday, we slept in and then spent most of the day (IN THE SAME ROOM!!!), watching tv together. I made tacos for dinner and a carrot cake for Sunday dinner. It was a very nice day, just spent relaxing together.
Sunday, I went to Easter mass. Boy, was it crowded!!! I'm so glad that I remembered about the twice a year Catholics! I got there early enough to find a seat close to the choir. Next week, I intend to go and talk to the choir director after mass and ask him about joining. I've been putting it off because of my stupid shyness, but this is really the reason that I chose this church. I was so impressed with the choir and really want to be a part of it, I need to just get the guts up to introduce myself and ask about joining! So, the plan is to talk with him this Sunday. Say a little prayer for me for some courage, would ya? :-)
After mass, I came home and woke up Hubby. We got ready and went off to his aunt's house for dinner. Both of her kids (our age) and their kids were there. As were my mother-in-law & her boyfriend and Hubby's other aunt & uncle. It was a very full house, but it was really nice. Highlights of the day:
Oh, but today is another story. I have the time to tell you all about my fantastic weekend today!
It started with Friday...I decided to take a half day on Friday. Initially, I thought we were going to have my mother-in-law over for Easter dinner this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I gave myself plenty of time for cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. Then Hubby decided that he didn't want to do all that work (Pfft...Yeah, like he'd really be doing the work...), so we decided that we'd join the rest of the family at his aunt's house for the holiday. But I'd already requested the afternoon off, so I wasn't about to reneg on that.
So, I took the afternoon and did some shoe shopping!! I've really wanted to get some cute flats - something with a print, like a zebra or leopard print. Or some funky color. I'd bought some super cute ones from Kohl's the weekend before, but didn't try them on until I got home and found that they didn't fit. So, I returned those and then headed out to Shoe Carnival. I tried on probably 20 different shoes. They were all either too big or too small or not wide enough. I finally found a cute pair of silver flats. They weren't exactly what I'd had in mind, but they were close enough.
After shopping for like 3 hours (how the hell does the time go so quickly????), I finally headed home, made myself a tasty dinner and got ready to... Wait for it... GO OUT! My BFF has made some friends in her new town and she invited me to hang out with them on Friday night. We called another one of our girlfriends and she actually came out with us, too. I have to admit, I have a minor crush on one of BFF's buddies, so that's always fun. Last time I went out with all of them, I had a good time, but when you have to drive 30 minutes home, it's a bit restricting. So, I asked Hubby, if I could find a ride out to the bar, would he come pick me up. At first, there was some resistance, but he eventually said he would come get me. Even if it meant he had to go home for a while and then come back out to get me.
So BFF came out to get me and we hung out with all her people. It was a great time. Her friends are all very nice; a lot of fun! They convinced me, after quite a few shots, to sing at karaoke, which was alright. I get super nervous singing in front of people. I get all shaky and my voice sorta dies. But I think I did alright. Everyone said what a nice job I did, but I'm a firm believer that what people say and what they mean can be very different things. Hubby came to get me and, to my amazement, came in the bar and met everyone. I later found out that if I'd asked, he would have stayed and hung out for another hour until the bar closed. But I was ready to go. There was a minor amount of drama with BFF and her boyfriend, and I was kinda bored by that point. And I was really happy that Hubby was being so...social!!
We went home and had ourselves a nice, halfway drunken time. :-)
Saturday, we slept in and then spent most of the day (IN THE SAME ROOM!!!), watching tv together. I made tacos for dinner and a carrot cake for Sunday dinner. It was a very nice day, just spent relaxing together.
Sunday, I went to Easter mass. Boy, was it crowded!!! I'm so glad that I remembered about the twice a year Catholics! I got there early enough to find a seat close to the choir. Next week, I intend to go and talk to the choir director after mass and ask him about joining. I've been putting it off because of my stupid shyness, but this is really the reason that I chose this church. I was so impressed with the choir and really want to be a part of it, I need to just get the guts up to introduce myself and ask about joining! So, the plan is to talk with him this Sunday. Say a little prayer for me for some courage, would ya? :-)
After mass, I came home and woke up Hubby. We got ready and went off to his aunt's house for dinner. Both of her kids (our age) and their kids were there. As were my mother-in-law & her boyfriend and Hubby's other aunt & uncle. It was a very full house, but it was really nice. Highlights of the day:
- Four year old Maddie told me that I look like Hannah Montana with glasses. Thanks, Kid! Now if only I could fit into Hannah Montana's clothes!
- Aunt Laura & Maddie's conversation about how Aunt Laura lost one of her fingers:
- Aunt Laura - I was driving and there was a deer in the road.
- Maddie - And he bit it off???
- Watching Hubby take care of Maddie's 9 month old brother while their parents ran to the store for a while. Everyone kept telling how good he looked with a baby on his lap.
We got home around 8 and watched a movie together before I headed to bed. Nothing extraordinary happened this weekend, but it was so nice. Hubby decided on Friday that he wasn't going to buy a bag of green, that he's ready to be done with it, so I was really expecting a grumpy, mean asshole. But he completely surprised me. He was super sweet and we had a great weekend together. I definitely didn't think that he heard me the week before, when I complained that we never spent time together. That I was lonely and hated feeling like we were just coexisting in the same space. And then he shows me that he really DID hear me!!! What a nice surprise!!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Coming Clean
Damnit all to hell, Blogger...I totally had a post neatly typed out and then when I went to post, it took a dump on me and wiped out the whole thing. I hate when that happens. Let's try again. :-P
I've decided to stop posting as 'Easily Manipulated'. I've started to resent that part of my personality and if I want to shed it, I think maybe a symbolic first step is to no longer accept it as my title. I debated with myself over sharing Hubby's real name with those of you who don't know me/us in "real life". But he doesn't even like to have his photo taken, let alone have his name out there on the interwebs with all the bitching that I do about him. So, I'll let him remain annonymous.
I've recently started to look at myself and how I deal with people. I have such a fear of rejection that I'm constantly trying to make everyone else happy, regardless of my own feelings. I think this weekend, I really worried/stressed myself into the ickiness that I was feeling. Tired of worrying about whether friends will send me packing for choosing myself and my own wants over theirs. I feel like my husband and a couple of my close friends often take advantage of the fact that I can't stand to have people unhappy with me. I'm just over it.
So, anyway, no longer accepting the psuedonym of 'Easily Manipulated' and completely putting myself out there - JenniferAnne. :-)
I've decided to stop posting as 'Easily Manipulated'. I've started to resent that part of my personality and if I want to shed it, I think maybe a symbolic first step is to no longer accept it as my title. I debated with myself over sharing Hubby's real name with those of you who don't know me/us in "real life". But he doesn't even like to have his photo taken, let alone have his name out there on the interwebs with all the bitching that I do about him. So, I'll let him remain annonymous.
I've recently started to look at myself and how I deal with people. I have such a fear of rejection that I'm constantly trying to make everyone else happy, regardless of my own feelings. I think this weekend, I really worried/stressed myself into the ickiness that I was feeling. Tired of worrying about whether friends will send me packing for choosing myself and my own wants over theirs. I feel like my husband and a couple of my close friends often take advantage of the fact that I can't stand to have people unhappy with me. I'm just over it.
So, anyway, no longer accepting the psuedonym of 'Easily Manipulated' and completely putting myself out there - JenniferAnne. :-)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Sweet Dreams...
First, I just wanted to thank those of you that replied to my last post about the Princess Problem. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only woman on Earth who wouldn't mind being a SAHM and/or housewife. Although, I have to admit, if I was only a housewife, there would be no excuse as to why there's a waist-high pile of dirty laundry in the bedroom or why there's stacks of papers laying on the kitchen table.
Second on my mind, Wow!! The authors of my bloglist must have been feeling exceptionally BLOGGY in the last 24 hours! I've got a TON of reading to catch up on. LOVE it!
Finally, I wanted to share a wonderful dream with you all that I had last night. I dreamt that I was at a doctor's office, and I'm standing there in the exam room all by myself and apparently it's common practice to administer vaccines on your own, in this dream. So I'm gathering all of the pre-filled syringes and preparing them for injection, when a blonde haired girl, who bore a striking resemblence to Maria Lark, from Medium, came running into the room and out again 
through a door on the opposite side of the room. She was followed by Hubby, who was cradling a newborn. He passed the newborn off to me and went chasing after the little girl. I hollered at the little girl (Shelly, short for Michelle) to come back into the room, but was apparently not heard. I sat down and soon an older man - the doctor - came in the room and was asking questions about the baby.
through a door on the opposite side of the room. She was followed by Hubby, who was cradling a newborn. He passed the newborn off to me and went chasing after the little girl. I hollered at the little girl (Shelly, short for Michelle) to come back into the room, but was apparently not heard. I sat down and soon an older man - the doctor - came in the room and was asking questions about the baby.I woke up with the distinct feeling that these two children were ours. Oh, and don't worry, I didn't inject anyone with anything. Thank goodness! :-) It was a very nice dream. I just wish that it hadn't been 3am when I woke up. lol
Another dream that I have (as in a goal...one that I really hope to achieve) is to lose about 15 lbs. by Christmas. I bought this beautiful dress about a month ago, with the intention of wearing it to a friend's baby shower. But it didn't fit quite right. I was rather uncomfortable and decided not to wear it. I was sadly going to return the dress, but then couldn't find the receipt and am unwilling to accept $15 for a dress that I paid $40 for. So, I've decided that my goal will be to wear this dress for Christmas. I just need to lose some weight in the middle, so that it hangs better and doesn't point out the fact that my boobs don't match the rest of me. I think 15/20lbs is achievable in 7 weeks. The only problem that I have is I don't know how to go about doing it! I need to get moving...Maybe walking a few times a week. And eating smaller portions. That's the plan. Keep your fingies crossed for me!
Monday, October 26, 2009
A rainbow through the storm
Things have been pretty craptastic lately, and I've been kind enough to share the poop with ya'll. But I think maybe I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.Sunday's Memorial service for Opa seems to have calmed me a little bit. I'm trying to remember him in a happy way, rather than be sad for my own loss. Yes, I miss him. And he can never be replaced. Right now, I think there will always be an emptiness where Opa should be. But I feel less chaotic about it. I feel like having a service to remember him helped me to reign in my feelings of despair. Sharing my stories of him and seeing all the people who'd gathered to remember him - it helps me to know that he won't be forgotten.
Yesterday, I took the afternoon off of work. Hubby and I did some shopping and I had time to cook one of my favorite meals. We got the mail and received a letter from the mortgage company, saying that they have submitted instruction to the credit agencies to remove a negative status, which means that sometime next month, we should be closing on our refi. I'll be able to get our money back in order in the next 30 days, which is an enormous weight off my shoulders. Hubby and I were talking yesterday evening, after receiving this letter, about how it was a gift from God that the bank decided to help us out. I agree, but I told him that I think it's more. I think Opa had a hand in it - an anniversary gift from him. Maybe it's hokey, but it makes me smile, so I'll go on thinking it.
Photo from Pixdaus
Friday, August 7, 2009
How Hubby Came to be Hubby, Pt. 2
Find Part One here!
One night, after dropping B (the high school sweetheart) off at home, and having nothing better to do, I drove around for a while and then called C (now Hubby). I asked what he was doing and if he wanted to hang out. He said he was grounded, but that I could come over if I wanted to. I decided that I would and showed up at his house 15 minutes later. His mom wasn't home and he didn't want to bring me in the house, due to the grounding. So we sat on the front porch, talking while it got dark out. Every once in a while, his dad would holler out the window that he was grounded and needed to say goodnight. C would beg for a few more minutes and we'd continue to talk.
It was a cool fall night and had just started to drizzle a bit. He was sitting behind me on the front steps and had been rubbing my neck and shoulders (when you're 17, this is apparently the best move ever. I wish he'd rub my effing neck every once in a while now...I could really use some stress relief now and then!) and I can remember holding my hair up, out of the way, so he'd stop pulling my GD hair. lol And then he kissed my neck. And that apparently opened the floodgates and was the perfect way to get me to turn around and kiss him back. Even now, as soon as he puts his face in that crook of my neck, all bets are off.
We kissed in the rain for a while and then his dad had had enough. It was time for C to go inside and me to go home. Of course I liked it, but I was ashamed that I'd just kissed another boy while I was with B. I felt guilty and just flat out shitty about it, so I tried to cut off ties with C. I stopped calling him and when he'd call the house and someone else would answer, I'd ask them to tell him I wasn't home. I started referring to him as "Stalker C," but that didn't change the fact that after teaching CCD on Saturday mornings, I'd usually drag Mel over to MickeyD's where he worked, so I could pretend like I didn't like feeling his eyes on me. And it didn't stop the fact that I'd drive by his house whenever I was out cruising, hoping maybe he'd be outside and see me drive by. Now that I think about it, maybe I was the stalker...:-/
After a while, though, I think C got the hint and stopped calling. And we stopped going to MickeyD's and he mostly disappeared off my radar. I still drove by his house on occasion. But that wasn't special for him...I drove by a lot of boys' houses. What? There's not a whole lot else to do when you're 17 and living in a small town.
B and I broke up in March of my senior year (completely and totally unrelated to C). And prom was slowly creeping up on me. Being newly single, I didn't know what to do. I considered calling C and asking him, but ended up going with another friend instead. I graduated from high school, got accepted to a college about an hour from home and was working a part time job at the mall that summer. I was having a good time dating (I use that term loosely...It was more like screwing) a few guys and I was not really looking for a boyfriend. I was happy to be on my own for the first time since I was 13.
And then, one day in August, I was driving home from work and noticed a shiny black car going around the corner, as I waited for the light. I mean, who doesn't notice a nice clean car and hope that some cute boy is going to be driving it? And also hope that said cute boy might notice me and smile. As soon as the car completed its turn, I saw C in the driver's seat, and he saw me. We locked eyes for a moment and I knew that he'd be calling me later that day. And sure enough, by the end of the night, he'd managed to remember my phone number and gave me a call.
The rest of that summer was spent with early morning breakfast dates (he worked overnights - got off at 6am and would call and wake me up for breakfast at the ass crack of dawn...The stupid things we do for boys that we like...) and little white lies to my parents about where I was spending the night (Mel, you may or may not have been my cover story a few times...).
Today is our 9 year "anniversary". On August 7, 2000, after a day spent probably hanging out at C's house, watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and a dinner of Tuna Helper (*GAG*), he drove me home and we sat in his car, in the street, all of the front windows of the house blocked by the large evergreen in the front yard. C thought tickling was cute, and as I bucked and pushed to get him to stop, I punched him square in the lip. Tickling ceased immediately. And he says 'Now I'm going to have to go to work and explain to everyone how my girlfriend gave me a fat lip.' I looked at him and asked 'Girlfriend?' and that was that.
Just a note, you'd think he'd learn that when we wrestle, he's the one that's always going to get hurt. When I'm defending myself, I'm not going to hold back, fat lips, ripped eyebrow rings, bruises, Indian burns, scratches and the like have been his fate. But that's another story for another day.
Anyway, Happy "Anniversay" Hubby.
Not that I'd EVER encourage you to read my blog...I'm just sayin...:-)
One night, after dropping B (the high school sweetheart) off at home, and having nothing better to do, I drove around for a while and then called C (now Hubby). I asked what he was doing and if he wanted to hang out. He said he was grounded, but that I could come over if I wanted to. I decided that I would and showed up at his house 15 minutes later. His mom wasn't home and he didn't want to bring me in the house, due to the grounding. So we sat on the front porch, talking while it got dark out. Every once in a while, his dad would holler out the window that he was grounded and needed to say goodnight. C would beg for a few more minutes and we'd continue to talk.
It was a cool fall night and had just started to drizzle a bit. He was sitting behind me on the front steps and had been rubbing my neck and shoulders (when you're 17, this is apparently the best move ever. I wish he'd rub my effing neck every once in a while now...I could really use some stress relief now and then!) and I can remember holding my hair up, out of the way, so he'd stop pulling my GD hair. lol And then he kissed my neck. And that apparently opened the floodgates and was the perfect way to get me to turn around and kiss him back. Even now, as soon as he puts his face in that crook of my neck, all bets are off.
We kissed in the rain for a while and then his dad had had enough. It was time for C to go inside and me to go home. Of course I liked it, but I was ashamed that I'd just kissed another boy while I was with B. I felt guilty and just flat out shitty about it, so I tried to cut off ties with C. I stopped calling him and when he'd call the house and someone else would answer, I'd ask them to tell him I wasn't home. I started referring to him as "Stalker C," but that didn't change the fact that after teaching CCD on Saturday mornings, I'd usually drag Mel over to MickeyD's where he worked, so I could pretend like I didn't like feeling his eyes on me. And it didn't stop the fact that I'd drive by his house whenever I was out cruising, hoping maybe he'd be outside and see me drive by. Now that I think about it, maybe I was the stalker...:-/
After a while, though, I think C got the hint and stopped calling. And we stopped going to MickeyD's and he mostly disappeared off my radar. I still drove by his house on occasion. But that wasn't special for him...I drove by a lot of boys' houses. What? There's not a whole lot else to do when you're 17 and living in a small town.
B and I broke up in March of my senior year (completely and totally unrelated to C). And prom was slowly creeping up on me. Being newly single, I didn't know what to do. I considered calling C and asking him, but ended up going with another friend instead. I graduated from high school, got accepted to a college about an hour from home and was working a part time job at the mall that summer. I was having a good time dating (I use that term loosely...It was more like screwing) a few guys and I was not really looking for a boyfriend. I was happy to be on my own for the first time since I was 13.
And then, one day in August, I was driving home from work and noticed a shiny black car going around the corner, as I waited for the light. I mean, who doesn't notice a nice clean car and hope that some cute boy is going to be driving it? And also hope that said cute boy might notice me and smile. As soon as the car completed its turn, I saw C in the driver's seat, and he saw me. We locked eyes for a moment and I knew that he'd be calling me later that day. And sure enough, by the end of the night, he'd managed to remember my phone number and gave me a call.
The rest of that summer was spent with early morning breakfast dates (he worked overnights - got off at 6am and would call and wake me up for breakfast at the ass crack of dawn...The stupid things we do for boys that we like...) and little white lies to my parents about where I was spending the night (Mel, you may or may not have been my cover story a few times...).
Today is our 9 year "anniversary". On August 7, 2000, after a day spent probably hanging out at C's house, watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and a dinner of Tuna Helper (*GAG*), he drove me home and we sat in his car, in the street, all of the front windows of the house blocked by the large evergreen in the front yard. C thought tickling was cute, and as I bucked and pushed to get him to stop, I punched him square in the lip. Tickling ceased immediately. And he says 'Now I'm going to have to go to work and explain to everyone how my girlfriend gave me a fat lip.' I looked at him and asked 'Girlfriend?' and that was that.
Just a note, you'd think he'd learn that when we wrestle, he's the one that's always going to get hurt. When I'm defending myself, I'm not going to hold back, fat lips, ripped eyebrow rings, bruises, Indian burns, scratches and the like have been his fate. But that's another story for another day.
Anyway, Happy "Anniversay" Hubby.
Not that I'd EVER encourage you to read my blog...I'm just sayin...:-)
Friday, July 24, 2009
The story of how Hubby came to be Hubby, Part 1
I met Hubby when I was 16...Eleven years ago. I was at a high school football game with Spunky (previously mentioned here as the best man at another friend's wedding). I dont think that I ever actually watched a football game when I was there. It was more about the atmosphere and being with my friends. Seeing what everyone was up to and who was making out with who. And the night that I met Hubby was no different.
Spunky and I were meandering around and ran into our friend, whom I will refer to as Bennet. Bennet was there with his friend C, now known as Hubby. So, we chit chat for a while with Bennet & C, and then C starts trying to act like he's got game. He was apparently trying to teach Bennet how to be slick with the women, by demonstrating on me - the only female in the group.
He starts getting close and rubbing my shoulders. Did the whole whisper-in-the-ear thing. Whatever a 17 year old boy (definitely was still a boy at that point in time) can come up with. And I have to admit - I LOVED the attention. Some guy that I'd just met was seemingly all into me. It didn't matter that he was just "showing Bennet how to flirt." I was the center of attention and what girl doesn't love that?? I did have a boyfriend at the time, but he could never go out on Friday nights - family commitments - so while I did feel a bit guilty, I was mostly not concerned with that. At the end of the night, C whispered something to Spunky about me, and refused to tell me what it was. I blew it off, knowing Spunky would fill me in later. We said our goodbyes and I figured that was it. Spunky and I went back to my car and he immediately told me that C had said something vulgar about the degree of moisture in my pants and how he'd be the cause and that totally ruined the whole experience. I was so irritated and didn't mind if I never saw the guy again...Or at least that's what I said.
A month or two later, C showed up at the play that our high school was doing (Spunky, Bennet & I all went to one school - C went to another. Bennet & I were involved with the theater. C came to support Bennet.) and during intermission, I was in the lobby selling baked goods. C noticed me and came up and started talking. He asked for my phone number and for whatever reason, I decided to give it to him. That began a series of long, late-night phone calls (for which I usually got in a lot of trouble. The rule was no phone after 9pm. C and I often talked til 1 or 2 in the morning.). I liked talking to him. He was always very flirty and made me feel great about myself. Very early on, he began telling me that one day he'd marry me. Don't go thinking he's some psychic...He was just saying whatever he could to get me to stay on the phone with him a little longer. While we continued to have these long phone chats, I still was dating B, though I doubt that he knew about my "friendship" with C. That being said, I always made it very clear to C that I loved B and that I was intending to marry B. C didn't care. He was, if nothing else, persistent.
More to come soon...
Spunky and I were meandering around and ran into our friend, whom I will refer to as Bennet. Bennet was there with his friend C, now known as Hubby. So, we chit chat for a while with Bennet & C, and then C starts trying to act like he's got game. He was apparently trying to teach Bennet how to be slick with the women, by demonstrating on me - the only female in the group.
He starts getting close and rubbing my shoulders. Did the whole whisper-in-the-ear thing. Whatever a 17 year old boy (definitely was still a boy at that point in time) can come up with. And I have to admit - I LOVED the attention. Some guy that I'd just met was seemingly all into me. It didn't matter that he was just "showing Bennet how to flirt." I was the center of attention and what girl doesn't love that?? I did have a boyfriend at the time, but he could never go out on Friday nights - family commitments - so while I did feel a bit guilty, I was mostly not concerned with that. At the end of the night, C whispered something to Spunky about me, and refused to tell me what it was. I blew it off, knowing Spunky would fill me in later. We said our goodbyes and I figured that was it. Spunky and I went back to my car and he immediately told me that C had said something vulgar about the degree of moisture in my pants and how he'd be the cause and that totally ruined the whole experience. I was so irritated and didn't mind if I never saw the guy again...Or at least that's what I said.
A month or two later, C showed up at the play that our high school was doing (Spunky, Bennet & I all went to one school - C went to another. Bennet & I were involved with the theater. C came to support Bennet.) and during intermission, I was in the lobby selling baked goods. C noticed me and came up and started talking. He asked for my phone number and for whatever reason, I decided to give it to him. That began a series of long, late-night phone calls (for which I usually got in a lot of trouble. The rule was no phone after 9pm. C and I often talked til 1 or 2 in the morning.). I liked talking to him. He was always very flirty and made me feel great about myself. Very early on, he began telling me that one day he'd marry me. Don't go thinking he's some psychic...He was just saying whatever he could to get me to stay on the phone with him a little longer. While we continued to have these long phone chats, I still was dating B, though I doubt that he knew about my "friendship" with C. That being said, I always made it very clear to C that I loved B and that I was intending to marry B. C didn't care. He was, if nothing else, persistent.
More to come soon...
Friday, May 29, 2009
How fun!
Last night was the first session of the photography class that I'm taking this summer. Good times! The instructor is a girl around my age who has a degree in photography from NIU. She works for a studio in the area that does all the photos for the local schools. So, sporting events, school pictures, dances, etc. How fun does that sound??? I think it sounds like one of the coolest things ever! Not surprisingly, she said the in the last six months or so, she's watched her job go from full-time, pushing overtime on a regular basis to minimal part-time hours. Sucks.
Anyway, the class consists of myself and two other women, probably in their late 50's or early 60's. One is a teacher and the other is a nurse. Both very nice ladies. And the instructor, Cathy, is great, too. Last night's class was just kind of an overview of what we'll be talking about over the next six weeks. But it was very informative already. My assignment is to go out and try out the different settings on my camera, now that I have a little insight as to how they work. Should be fun. I'm going to try to go visit Mel this afternoon. The plan is to take some photos of her kids (and maybe a couple of the two of us, since aside from my wedding, the only ones I have of us are from maybe 8th grade) and just futz around with the settings. I'd really like to get some more photos of PEOPLE in my portfolio. I'm a bit nervous to look like a dummy, but I don't think she or her kids will mind. ;-) I'm looking forward to the classes. Hopefully, I can gain some real insight on how to take better photos.
Anyway, the class consists of myself and two other women, probably in their late 50's or early 60's. One is a teacher and the other is a nurse. Both very nice ladies. And the instructor, Cathy, is great, too. Last night's class was just kind of an overview of what we'll be talking about over the next six weeks. But it was very informative already. My assignment is to go out and try out the different settings on my camera, now that I have a little insight as to how they work. Should be fun. I'm going to try to go visit Mel this afternoon. The plan is to take some photos of her kids (and maybe a couple of the two of us, since aside from my wedding, the only ones I have of us are from maybe 8th grade) and just futz around with the settings. I'd really like to get some more photos of PEOPLE in my portfolio. I'm a bit nervous to look like a dummy, but I don't think she or her kids will mind. ;-) I'm looking forward to the classes. Hopefully, I can gain some real insight on how to take better photos.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It's going to get a little Church-ey in here...
When Hubby and I purchased our home, I knew that I was going to feel lonely. We don't really know anyone near us. I have a coworker that lives in the next town over and my aunt and uncle live maybe 20 minutes from here. But I'm not that close to the coworker or the family, so that leaves me feeling a bit secluded. For quite a while now, I've been coming to terms with the fact that it's just not so easy for me to make friends anymore. I'm not sure what that's about and it really sorta hurts my feelings. I'm not sure if it's me - am I not likable? I do find myself being much more shy than I can ever remember being. And my husband doesn't really help. He's very anti-social, most of the time. He prefers to stay at home with his computer than to go out and meet people. So I'm on my own.
Not counting our wedding, I've only been to mass once in probably five years. It's not because of some boycott of the Church or ill feelings about the state of Catholicism (though, there are some of those). It's simply because I was either too lazy or Hubby didn't want me to go. His reason for wanting me to skip it was not because he's against the Church, but because he has major jealousy issues. He fears that I'm going to meet some wonderful Church-going man and leave him. *insert eye-roll* If I was going to cheat/leave him, it certainly wouldn't be with someone that I met at church! lol If anything, I would think he'd be pleased that I want to go to mass. Put some God-fearing in this woman! ;-)
Really, though, I needed to find a way to meet people, so I don't feel so alone. And I really do miss feeling like I have a connection to my religion. I used to be so active in the Church when I was younger. I went with my parents to mass every Sunday, I participated and tried SO HARD to make our Youth Group an active one, I *sorta* taught CCD (Meem really taught the classes. I was just there as backup...And I liked to color with the kids), I enjoyed going to a Catholic high school. When I went to college, I lost all of it...I just sorta walked away from it. I'm not sure if it was Hubby's anti-church persuasion or if it was because I was just too lazy to get out of bed on Sunday morning. I'm not sure what it was. I just didn't do it anymore. And I feel like I'm missing something in my life.
When we moved here, I started looking for churches that were nearby. I came up with a list of about five churches and intended to go to a mass at each one to determine where I felt I best fit in. I wanted a church that has an active youth group. I wanted a church where I felt the pastor really cared about everyone - not just those who made the biggest monetary difference or the ones that had been there the longest. I wanted a place that felt like home when I was there. And an active choir would be nice, too. My coworker that lives nearby told me on Monday that she'd had her newborn baptized last weekend and she told me about the church that they'd done it at, which is about 15 minutes from my house. I made up my mind that I wanted to check it out, so first I looked on the internet at their website. It's an old church, but a young congregation. There's a junior high and high school youth group, that seems to be very active. The high schoolers even have a summer retreat that they go to in July, much like I did when I was that age. Oh, and the choir is open to all. I was very hopeful and went to mass yesterday.
As a kid, we always went to the 8am mass. And I always thought it was such a bummer to have to get up so early on the weekend. So I skipped the early mass and went to the 10:30. I arrived around 10:10 and there were only a handful of cars in the parking lot. I sat in the car and watched young families and older couples started trickling in. After five minutes, I decided to get inside and find my seat. I always dislike going to a new mass...I worry that I'm going to take someone's regular spot. But I suppose that's the brakes, right? So, I walk up to the door and there's three older ladies walking up. I always love the grandmas. They always have something nice to say and seem to appreciate the little things, like me holding the door for them.
I follow the three ladies into the church and I'm immediately blown away. The building looks fairly small from the outside. Nothing really fancy about it. Just a regular old church building with some stained glass windows and a steeple. But it is amazing on the inside. It is fairly small, in comparison to the church I grew up in, but it is beautiful. High, arched ceilings and little details on the walls. The altar is gorgeous. I wish that I'd brought my camera to mass with me...I would've loved to take some photos of how beautiful it is.
As I sat, looking around, the choir began to sing. It's nothing like the choir at my old church, which is made up of mostly old women and a couple men, most of which really can't carry a tune. I tried to join a couple times and just felt out of place. And overpowered. This choir was fantastic. Wonderful harmonies and a cantor whose voice just wouldn't quit. It sounded like they had some real direction...They mostly sang songs that I was not familiar with, but that was okay because I just wanted to listen.
As we got closer to the start of mass, more and more people were filing in. I was sort of taken by how many people were there. And then about 5 minutes before mass started, there was a rush of moms and schoolage children who'd just come from the Sunday CCD classes. I thought to myself, how are all of these people going to fit in here? And they just kept coming. The only times I'd ever seen St L (the church I grew up and was married in) that packed was on Christmas or Easter. The ushers actually had to find people seats. This wasn't any special Holy Day or anything. This was just regular Sunday mass. I was squished between two dads in their early forties, and I had to shuffle my purse around all throughout the mass, just so we'd all fit comfortably in the row, but I didn't care. It was so nice to be there with all these other people. To know that we were all there for one reason.
*Disclaimer...It's going to get a little Church-ey here.*
Mass began and I went through all the responses, etc. It's funny...You'd think you might forget what you're supposed to say or when you're supposed to stand or kneel. But you don't. I fell back into it like I'd been going all along. The first reading was basically the list of the ten commandments. I've been thinking about how I need some guidance and could use an owner's manual on how to live my life. It was nice to have a little reminder. And then the gospel reading was the story about Jesus' disciples and all the folks in the Temple, making it more of a marketplace than a place of worship. Again, another nice one to hear. It's funny how you hear these readings so many times and don't come to appreciate them until after you haven't heard them in a while.
When I was younger, I hated the homily. The priests were always so long-winded and I never could follow them. How does what you're talking about relate to the readings? How am I supposed to apply this to my own life? Most of the time, I'd spend the homily looking at the bulletin and counting down the minutes til I could get out of there. Yesterday, I sat and listened. I felt like he was talking to me. He told a story of how a man came to a church and parked in the first available spot and as he was getting out of the car, someone else pulled in next to him and said 'That's where I normally park! You took my place!' And then the man goes into the church and has a seat and someone else comes up to him and says 'This is where I normally sit! You took my place!' So the man gets up and lets them have their seat. Father Joe goes on to explain that later in the mass, the man reveals himself as Jesus and that he did take all of our places. He died so that we could have life eternal. I just found it so poignant that Father Joe would relay this story on my first time back to church in years. Like I said, I felt like he was speaking to me. He continued his sermon by talking about how there are so many parishoners that do not come to mass and that no matter what he does, these people just aren't going to come. He said that someone at a previous mass had come to him and said 'Father, you're preaching to the choir! We do come to mass!' and he responded by telling that person that the people that already come should be the ones to spread the Word and invite those that do not. At that moment, I felt like I wanted to speak to him after mass and let him know how touched I felt by his story, and that he wasn't only preaching to the choir, but to someone who'd strayed a long time ago.
Mass continued and I found myself comparing this new church to St L in many different ways. And not saying 'This church is so much better.' But instead, I thought 'This is what St L was at one time. It was warm and inviting. It was young and old, at the same time. It was active and important.' I get choked up at the idea. I know to some people, it's only a church. But to me, it was and is so much more. It's a way to connect with other people who believe something similar to me. It's a way to be a part of something so much bigger than I am.
All in all, it was a wonderful experience. I'm so proud of myself for taking this first step. I didn't speak with the pastor after mass, but that's just because I'm a chickenshit. Maybe next weekend, I can step a little further out of my comfort zone and introduce myself. And maybe the following week, I can say hello to the the choir cantor...And maybe talk to him about joining. Baby steps, but ones that I'm so incredibly excited to take.
Not counting our wedding, I've only been to mass once in probably five years. It's not because of some boycott of the Church or ill feelings about the state of Catholicism (though, there are some of those). It's simply because I was either too lazy or Hubby didn't want me to go. His reason for wanting me to skip it was not because he's against the Church, but because he has major jealousy issues. He fears that I'm going to meet some wonderful Church-going man and leave him. *insert eye-roll* If I was going to cheat/leave him, it certainly wouldn't be with someone that I met at church! lol If anything, I would think he'd be pleased that I want to go to mass. Put some God-fearing in this woman! ;-)
Really, though, I needed to find a way to meet people, so I don't feel so alone. And I really do miss feeling like I have a connection to my religion. I used to be so active in the Church when I was younger. I went with my parents to mass every Sunday, I participated and tried SO HARD to make our Youth Group an active one, I *sorta* taught CCD (Meem really taught the classes. I was just there as backup...And I liked to color with the kids), I enjoyed going to a Catholic high school. When I went to college, I lost all of it...I just sorta walked away from it. I'm not sure if it was Hubby's anti-church persuasion or if it was because I was just too lazy to get out of bed on Sunday morning. I'm not sure what it was. I just didn't do it anymore. And I feel like I'm missing something in my life.
When we moved here, I started looking for churches that were nearby. I came up with a list of about five churches and intended to go to a mass at each one to determine where I felt I best fit in. I wanted a church that has an active youth group. I wanted a church where I felt the pastor really cared about everyone - not just those who made the biggest monetary difference or the ones that had been there the longest. I wanted a place that felt like home when I was there. And an active choir would be nice, too. My coworker that lives nearby told me on Monday that she'd had her newborn baptized last weekend and she told me about the church that they'd done it at, which is about 15 minutes from my house. I made up my mind that I wanted to check it out, so first I looked on the internet at their website. It's an old church, but a young congregation. There's a junior high and high school youth group, that seems to be very active. The high schoolers even have a summer retreat that they go to in July, much like I did when I was that age. Oh, and the choir is open to all. I was very hopeful and went to mass yesterday.
As a kid, we always went to the 8am mass. And I always thought it was such a bummer to have to get up so early on the weekend. So I skipped the early mass and went to the 10:30. I arrived around 10:10 and there were only a handful of cars in the parking lot. I sat in the car and watched young families and older couples started trickling in. After five minutes, I decided to get inside and find my seat. I always dislike going to a new mass...I worry that I'm going to take someone's regular spot. But I suppose that's the brakes, right? So, I walk up to the door and there's three older ladies walking up. I always love the grandmas. They always have something nice to say and seem to appreciate the little things, like me holding the door for them.
I follow the three ladies into the church and I'm immediately blown away. The building looks fairly small from the outside. Nothing really fancy about it. Just a regular old church building with some stained glass windows and a steeple. But it is amazing on the inside. It is fairly small, in comparison to the church I grew up in, but it is beautiful. High, arched ceilings and little details on the walls. The altar is gorgeous. I wish that I'd brought my camera to mass with me...I would've loved to take some photos of how beautiful it is.
As I sat, looking around, the choir began to sing. It's nothing like the choir at my old church, which is made up of mostly old women and a couple men, most of which really can't carry a tune. I tried to join a couple times and just felt out of place. And overpowered. This choir was fantastic. Wonderful harmonies and a cantor whose voice just wouldn't quit. It sounded like they had some real direction...They mostly sang songs that I was not familiar with, but that was okay because I just wanted to listen.
As we got closer to the start of mass, more and more people were filing in. I was sort of taken by how many people were there. And then about 5 minutes before mass started, there was a rush of moms and schoolage children who'd just come from the Sunday CCD classes. I thought to myself, how are all of these people going to fit in here? And they just kept coming. The only times I'd ever seen St L (the church I grew up and was married in) that packed was on Christmas or Easter. The ushers actually had to find people seats. This wasn't any special Holy Day or anything. This was just regular Sunday mass. I was squished between two dads in their early forties, and I had to shuffle my purse around all throughout the mass, just so we'd all fit comfortably in the row, but I didn't care. It was so nice to be there with all these other people. To know that we were all there for one reason.
*Disclaimer...It's going to get a little Church-ey here.*
Mass began and I went through all the responses, etc. It's funny...You'd think you might forget what you're supposed to say or when you're supposed to stand or kneel. But you don't. I fell back into it like I'd been going all along. The first reading was basically the list of the ten commandments. I've been thinking about how I need some guidance and could use an owner's manual on how to live my life. It was nice to have a little reminder. And then the gospel reading was the story about Jesus' disciples and all the folks in the Temple, making it more of a marketplace than a place of worship. Again, another nice one to hear. It's funny how you hear these readings so many times and don't come to appreciate them until after you haven't heard them in a while.
When I was younger, I hated the homily. The priests were always so long-winded and I never could follow them. How does what you're talking about relate to the readings? How am I supposed to apply this to my own life? Most of the time, I'd spend the homily looking at the bulletin and counting down the minutes til I could get out of there. Yesterday, I sat and listened. I felt like he was talking to me. He told a story of how a man came to a church and parked in the first available spot and as he was getting out of the car, someone else pulled in next to him and said 'That's where I normally park! You took my place!' And then the man goes into the church and has a seat and someone else comes up to him and says 'This is where I normally sit! You took my place!' So the man gets up and lets them have their seat. Father Joe goes on to explain that later in the mass, the man reveals himself as Jesus and that he did take all of our places. He died so that we could have life eternal. I just found it so poignant that Father Joe would relay this story on my first time back to church in years. Like I said, I felt like he was speaking to me. He continued his sermon by talking about how there are so many parishoners that do not come to mass and that no matter what he does, these people just aren't going to come. He said that someone at a previous mass had come to him and said 'Father, you're preaching to the choir! We do come to mass!' and he responded by telling that person that the people that already come should be the ones to spread the Word and invite those that do not. At that moment, I felt like I wanted to speak to him after mass and let him know how touched I felt by his story, and that he wasn't only preaching to the choir, but to someone who'd strayed a long time ago.
Mass continued and I found myself comparing this new church to St L in many different ways. And not saying 'This church is so much better.' But instead, I thought 'This is what St L was at one time. It was warm and inviting. It was young and old, at the same time. It was active and important.' I get choked up at the idea. I know to some people, it's only a church. But to me, it was and is so much more. It's a way to connect with other people who believe something similar to me. It's a way to be a part of something so much bigger than I am.
All in all, it was a wonderful experience. I'm so proud of myself for taking this first step. I didn't speak with the pastor after mass, but that's just because I'm a chickenshit. Maybe next weekend, I can step a little further out of my comfort zone and introduce myself. And maybe the following week, I can say hello to the the choir cantor...And maybe talk to him about joining. Baby steps, but ones that I'm so incredibly excited to take.
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