It's all turning up roses...

I was chatting with a friend yesterday online, and she was asking how I'm doing...Asked about work and the house and the baby making and life in general. And I couldn't help but gush. Everything is really good right now. And as I'm prone to do, I keep waiting for the shit to hit the fan. But so far, so good.

I feel like my relationship with Hubby has really taken a huge step in the right direction. We're getting along well, we spend time together on the weekend, he's been acting right and overall, I'm just happy with the way things are going with us.

The house is great, and although it's never as clean as it could be, it's clean enough. :-) I planted some pretty flowers yesterday while Hubby mowed the lawn. I made an excellent dinner and I'm really proud that my cooking skills are constantly improving. I think for a while, I was more concerned with finding a new dish every time I cooked. But I'm starting to learn that it's not always about newer, but it's about perfecting the things that you like. It's always been a challenge to find meals that I could make that don't come frozen in a box that Hubby would enjoy. I've got about 5 different meals that I can make for him that I know will get good reviews. It's definitely time to start looking for a 6th to put into the mix.

Babymaking is going well. Hubby IS ON BOARD. We made a good, solid effort this month and I'm still waiting to find out if it worked. Aunt Flo was supposed to arrive on Friday, and there's no signs that she's on her way. But I'm hesitant to get excited. This isn't the first time I've been a few days late and I really just don't want to crush that hope quite yet. I haven't taken a test yet. I feel like jumping the gun will jinx it. I know how absolutely silly that is. I know that if I am pregnant, taking a test now as opposed to next weekend isn't going to change the outcome. But...I dunno... I've been saying prayers that are supposed to help concieve and praying to the patron saint of pregnany (St. Gerard) and just wishing & hoping real hard. :-)

In other news, I started making a new friend in the choir. Her name is Kimberly and she seems very nice. She's probably about my age and sits next to me in rehearsal & mass. Last week, at rehearsal, we got a chance to talk a bit and get to know one another. I hate that I'm shy when first meeting a person. Not that when prompted, I don't answer. Just that I can't get it together to strike up the conversation. If you start it, I promise, I'll chat your ear off. It'll be nice to make a new friend that actually lives nearby. My BFF is really my only friend that lives within 45 minutes of my house, so it'll be cool to have another person to hang out with, assuming it gets to that point.

Anyway, life is good. I hope that it stays this way. I hope that life continues to go in the positive direction that it has been. :-)

A little of this and a little of that

It wasn't a fluke!

We had another really nice weekend! I made French toast for breakfast on Saturday, we watched some tv together and did some yardwork together. Hubby came down to the kitchen and ate dinner with me. Sunday, after church, we grilled burgers & brats for lunch, relaxed together for the afternoon and then I went to dinner with some of my favorite girls.

I'm looking forward to the weekend again, not just because I won't be working, but because I'll be able to spend time with Hubby! What a complete 180!!! And he seems to be pretty content, as well. I feel like he's a different person. I don't know if it was that he heard my unhappiness and finally felt like it was time to do something about it. Or perhaps it's directly related to the lack of green. I don't know what exactly to attribute the change to, but I'm really encouraged. Two weeks in a row and things are still good. We're both putting forth an effort to make one another happy. And it's really nice!!!

Yesterday was Opa's 88th birthday. At the last minute, I decided to take off of work a couple hours early and visit the cemetary with Omi. She didn't want to stay for very long. I can understand that, but I would have liked to stay longer. Now I know where he is, though, so I can go see him on my own and stay longer if I choose. Omi and I are both very emotional people, so once one of us starts getting choked up, the other is sure to follow. Definitely, next time I'm down there, I'll go see him and have a little chat on my own.

I contacted JB's tattoo artist about the piece that I want to get. It's not going to be cheap. He said it'll probably take more than one session and each session is $250 (3-4 hours, depending on how much I can take) or $100/hour. So, it could be anywhere from $350-500. But he sounded really stoked about the idea. I told him that I'll have to book the appointment a couple months out, so that I can save up the money. I'm hoping by late June, I can do the first session. Hubby isn't totally thrilled about the idea - he'd like to see me spend the money elsewhere - but he has said that he isn't going to tell me I can't do it. He's probably right. It would be more responsible to spend the money on something more practical, like a storm door for our front door or make a larger dent in our credit card debt. But it's important to me to do this in memory of Opa. I don't want to wait forever for it, ya know? I've set aside $50, so I'm that much closer!

I have my first choir practice tomorrow! The director called me last week and invited me to come to rehearsal. I did go up and introduce myself to him this Sunday. He seems very nice. I can't wait to start singing in a choir again. I'm so super excited about it!!! Last week, I went to the youth ministry adult planning meeting. They do so many different activities and events for the teens in the parish. I'm really excited to get involved with them, as well.

I can't believe how quickly the summer starts filling up with plans! I'm planning a camping trip in June with some of my girlfriends, Hubby & I are going to take a vacation in July (He even suggested getting on a PLANE to go somewhere...This is HUGE!!!!), some of the girls & I are planning a "hookie" day in August, September is my 10 year high school reunion (holy crap!), October is a coworker's wedding and November is a sorority sister's wedding. Today is only April 14th! I can only imagine how many other things are going to fill up this summer. I'm SO excited!

Hello, Friends!

Well, it seems that things at work have slowed down for a moment. I'm sure I could be testing something or investigating some bug or something productive like that, but I'm just not feeling it today. As much as I complain when it's busy, the time sure does go by much more quickly than it does when there's nothing to do. I've been watching the clock all day. One more hour to go. I keep asking myself what could I do to pass the time. Decided a post to catch everyone up on me would be a good start. :-)

I finally decided on a church. I've been going to St. Catherine's since the end of January. A couple weeks ago, I decided that while it's not aesthetically what I had in mind, they have a fantastic choir and I find myself becoming comfortable there. So, I called and registered as a parishioner. The woman that I spoke with tried to convince me that I should go to one of the churches that are closer to me, but I told her that I'd been to mass at both and prefer St. Catherine's. You'd think they'd be glad to get the additional income, however small it may be, right? I dunno. Apparently, you're supposed to stay with your most local parish. I said no and she went ahead an took my info. Al most two weeks later, I received a welcome letter (which also mentioned that I live too far away and should I try to register my hypothetical children to go to school there, the children that live closer would get preference. Good thing there are no school age children in my house, huh?), along with my tithing envelopes and a book that has a number of prayers and Catholic traditions explained in it. I went to mass Saturday afternoon and, of course, forgot my envelope. Oh well, next week, they'll know that I'm making my contribution.

A couple weeks ago, I got a pretty nasty cold from the girl that waxed my eyebrows. It's been fun. Started with congestion and a sore throat. Progressed into PINK EYE...In BOTH eyes... That has gone away, and now I'm back to being stuffy and the cough has begun its course. It's really been a joy. And my husband swears that he's a doctor without the education (or the paycheck). He always has suggestions of what's going to make me feel better. Tells me not to take this or to take that. He always has the answers, ya know? :-P I just nod and roll my eyes after he goes away.

Speaking of Hubby, he's permanantly back on 3rd shift. Two weeks ago, his boss asked him to work 3rd for a week and a half. Today, he was supposed to go back to 1st. Then Hubby comes home from work last Thursday and tells me that he's on 3rd for good. I'm so bummed! I really liked having him on 1st shift. Not that we spent a lot of time together, but it was nice to not be alone at night. And we'd eat dinner together a few times a week. And I'd get to go to bed good and early, since he had to get up at 4:30, he was in bed by 8:30 every night. It's not just the weeknights, either. The weekends are funky because he doesn't like to get his schedule out of whack. So he stays up most of the night and then naps during the day all weekend. Stinks! However, I'm not complaining because at least he still has a job!

The future of my job is still up in the air. The deal is now supposed to be done at the end of April. It keeps on getting extended. Which is just fine with me. The longer it drags out, the longer things stay the same. Perhaps that's a bad attitude to have, but I just feel like I have more security this way. I have updated my resume, but I haven't sent it to anyone or applied anywhere, yet. I am just terrified of the whole interviewing process. Ack.

I have an appointment to finally have my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday. It was supposed to happen Tuesday of last week, but I had the stink eye and they made it very clear that I was not to come in if I had a cough or cold of any kind. I'm hoping that everything's broken up and I'm doing better by Thursday afternoon. If not, I'll have to reschedule again. Yes, I'm super scared about it. But I just want to get it over and done with. Have a few days of drug-induced stupor, eating mashed potatoes, pudding & sorbet...And then get on with my life. Rather than having this scary-ass "surgery" looming in the future. I have put it off long enough. I had a week or two there where I was in a lot of pain. Something must have gotten knocked aloose and the broken tooth was really being a bitch. That pain has since gone away, so that's good. But I can't delay the inevitable much longer. Besides, I won't have dental anymore after this deal goes through at work, so the sooner, the better.

Valentine's Day weekend was my sorority formal. A handful of my girlfriends and I decided to leave our men at home. It was nice to not have to keep my husband entertained for the night, but it was also a bit of a bummer because I had to drive BFF & me back home. She didn't drink and would've been fine to drive us home, but when there aren't any men to drive us home, the women all have to be responsible. It's no fun to get drunk when no one else is, ya know? But it was nice to have dinner and dance with the girls. I was super excited about my dress up until I got there and saw what everyone else had worn. My dress was pretty simple - bright turquoise, long, spaghetti straps with a little beading in a starburst kind of pattern that started on my hip. But everyone else had more like cocktail dresses...less like prom dresses. If I go next year, I'll definitely take that into account when shopping. I felt a bit out of place. There were a few girls with long dresses like mine, but we were definitely the minority. So...For your viewing pleasure, here are some pics from the dance. Please excuse my hair...It was flipping hot in that place and my bangs were washed that morning...They didn't last very long. :-P

Me & BFF @ my house before we left. We did NOT plan to have matching dresses. I convinced her to go with me a week before the dance and she borrowed the dress from her sister. What can I say, the girl has great taste!!

Black & Blue! :-)

Some Alumni Ladies

Just a few of the Girls

Perfection is a relative term...

So after this post, I was very hopeful that St. Catherine's would be my perfect home. Last weekend, I went to mass there and I had very high hopes. I had built it up in my head that I'd walk into the church and would hear the choir singing 'Hallelujah!'

It wasn't quite as wonderful as I'd hoped. There wasn't anything really wrong with it. I just felt a little let down. I was very impressed with the choir, who instead of being up the choir loft at the back of the church for no one to see, has a section at the front of the church. They all wear white choir robes and they are quite good. The best choir of all three churches that I attended. Although, based on the description of the music ministry on their website, I don't know if they are accepting new members?

The pews are far more comfortable than St. Mary's. It's also much smaller than St. Mary's. But it is VERY dark. Everything is made of dark brown brick. The stained glass windows are small and a bit abstract.

Another downside - I was bored by the priest's homily, who I would like to mention is very young. Couldn't be much older than I am. That would be nice...To be involved in a parish with at least one young priest. Someone who recognizes the importance of not only the older, more wealthy parishioners, but also the younger ones. The parishioners of the future. So, I guess Father Whatshisname Young-Guy is both a positive and a negative.

I don't know...When I consider all three churches, I think I liked St. Mary's the best. This surprises me. I've always liked to be a part of smaller communities and St. Mary's is far from small. But the things that draw me to St. Mary's is the opportunity to be active with youth ministry; the choir which wasn't awe-inspiring, but wasn't intimidating either; the quality of the homily; and the friendliness of the parishioners.

I do intend to give St. Catherine's another try this weekend. Maybe I just had it too built up in my mind to see that I really could make it my home. I was feeling let down, but that was my own fault.

I'm at about 50%...

I always end up all over the place in these posts...I have so much to say, and just want to tell you everything! Perhaps if I posted more than once every two weeks, I wouldn't feel the need to jam it all into one post. Oh well. I do. Get over it. :-)

In one of my more recent posts, I discussed resolutions. I've been doing quite well with the church one. I've gone to mass every weekend since the beginning of the year. Granted, that's only three weeks, but it's 2 more weeks than the last time I thought I was ready to go back. And frankly, I don't see myself slacking on this one. I feel really good about it. That first Sunday, I went back to St. Charles Borromeo (SCB), the church that sort of reminds me of my old "home." It's about the same size and probably about the same age. They've got a choir (which is very important to me - I NEED to get back singing) and it's the closest. But I wanted to check out some of the other churches in the area, to make sure that I find the one that is right for me.

So, for the last two weeks, I attended mass at St. Mary's. I don't think I've ever seen a Catholic church this big. When I pulled into the parking lot, I literally out-loud, to myself, exclaimed 'Holy Crap!' It looked enormous to me. Inside is beautiful. Very, very large. It was built in 2001, so it has these modern-ish features. I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable in a parish that is so enormous. I've always enjoyed being a part of small things - small church, small(ish) high school, small colleges, small company. It does seem like St. Mary's has a lot to offer, including a choir (and a youth group that is looking for adult volunteers!). But I have to admit, I feel a bit overwhelmed there. And to be perfectly honest, the pews are really uncomfortable. lol They're low to the ground, and I find it near impossible to kneel on the kneelers. Maybe a silly con, but a con still.

This coming weekend and the week after, I'm planning on going to St. Catherine's, which a bit further (maybe 15 or 20 minutes from home), but I've heard a lot of good things about it. My aunt/uncle/cousins live in the area, so I asked for some suggestions. My aunt and cousin highly suggested this one, saying that they have a nice choir, youth programs, and while it's not a small church by any stretch, it's not as gigantic as St. Mary's. One of my coworkers told me that this is the church that she grew up going to and says that she likes it much more than SCB, where she had her children baptized. I'm really excited to go to mass at St. Catherine's on Sunday. I'm hoping that this one will be the perfect fit for me.

My second resolution - keeping better track of my sugar levels - is going okay. I'm testing at least once a day (supposed to do twice a day). I'm often surprised to see how high it is. Especially in the morning. I guess knowing is part of the battle, though. If I know it's high, I can be better prepared to combat it.

My final resolution - the same one that I have had every year since I was probably 9 - is stagnant. I just don't have motivation. I'm not hashing this out again. I'm just sayin...1.5 out of 3 isn't too bad, right? :-/

In other news, my birthday was a week ago today. It was really a fantabulous birthday! Seriously, best birthday in years. I must have gotten about 200 emails/facebook posts/blogs wishing me a happy birthday. I spent some extra time that morning and curled my hair, wore my favorite sweater and was ready for a happy day. Hubby texted me and told me to get home by 4, so that we could go to dinner. I got to work and my coworkers had decorated my desk (it's a tradition to do this, and usually I'm the one in charge of remembering bdays and buying a card & balloon). They got me the COOLEST balloon! It's bigger than your standard mylar balloon and it's clear! (I used to collect balloons in high school...Yeah, I'm an oddity of sorts...) I got to leave work a bit early, so I did a bit of shopping. Then went to dinner at Olive Garden with the Hubs. It was really a great day. It doesn't take much.

I spent a good part of Saturday working on my resume. I've finally decided to stop being passive about the whole situation and hoping that it gets better. I sent it to my dad, who gave me some suggestions on improving it, so I'm intending to update it later this week and perhaps start applying for some job openings next week. I'm nervous about it, but I need to at least see what's out there.

Today is 4 months since Opa passed. I still get choked up (and usually in tears) on a pretty regular basis. Songs do it for me a lot of the time. My birthday was kinda tough. But I guess I'm doing better. I talk to him a lot. Especially when I got teary eyed. I do feel his presence and I know he's always listening. So I take those moments to tell him how much I miss him and love him.

Hubby asked to go back to 2nd shift yesterday. He thinks his 1st shift boss is out to get him. I don't know what to think. He has a bad track record with authority figures (as in he pisses off his boss for some stupid shit and gets fired...), so if he thinks the boss might be heading down that road, then I'm supportive of the 2nd shift. I was really liking him on 1st, though. It's nice to spend time with him before bed. And to actually sleep with him at night. And to wake up together. I told him that I would've liked him to stay on 1st, but not if it means that he's going to end up without a job!

I think that's all I've got on news...I may be posting a meme next...We'll see. I really should be working right now. But I'm at a bit of a standstill with work tasks, so meme-ing sounds a lot more interesting. :-)

Sunday Funday!

Well, today, I'm starting in on those resolutions. I'm planning to go to mass today. I thought it was at 9:30, when it's actually at 10:30. If I'd realized this 20 minutes earlier than I did, I could've gone to the 8am mass. But I didn't and that's that. So, while I wait for 10 am to roll around, I've decided to share some love with you! :-)

Yesterday, we went to my mother-in-law's house for Christmas brunch. She made biscuits and sausage gravy and then we opened presents with her and her longtime boyfriend. I got a cast iron skillet set! A large one and a smaller one. Both of which are so much heavier than I thought they'd be. lol Hubby got the new keyboard (for his computer) that he's been wanting for some time. We hung out and watched a little tv with her and then hit the road in the early afternoon. She had to work last night, so we didn't want to overstay our welcome. On the way home, Hubby told me that he actually liked MY gravy better than his mom's. OH EM GEE!! That's one of the nicest things he's ever said to me!

I'm going to test out my new skillet tonight. BFF is coming over for dinner tonight. I always feel kinda lame when she comes over. I make dinner and then we just hang out watching tv. I don't have anything really exciting to do, but she doesn't complain. She seems to be happy to just hang out. And hell, a free steak out of the deal, I mean - who's going to bitch about that???

While we're talking about BFF here...I have a question/situation with her, maybe someone reading can help me out. Whenever BFF and I have plans to do something (Go shopping downtown, come over for dinner, go out to the bar, go to the aquarium), she is ALWAYS inviting other people to join us. Tonight, for example, I invited her to come over yesterday. She says cool. I text her three hours later, asking when she's going to come and if she's going to stay for dinner. She says she doesn't know what time she'll be coming, but yes for dinner. Oh, and BTW, the Bulgarian might be coming, too. The Bulgarian is another girl that we went to college with, who I get along with, but isn't #1 on my list of favorite people - I put up with her because BFF likes her and also because I'm too nice for my own good. BFF does this all the time. She invites other people to join us when I think it's just going to be the two of us. I had four tickets to get into one of the museums downtown. We had plans for four people and then all of a sudden, she's bringing two more. Dude, what?

Hubby tells me that I should say something to her about this - Stop inviting people to do things with us when we make plans! And I don't want to do that. But I really would appreciate it if she would ask me first, rather than just telling me 'Hey, so and so is coming too.' Should I say something? Or just continue to let her make all the rules?

Christmas Just Isn't What It Used to Be, and then some

Today was Christmas at my parents' house. It was not the best holiday gathering...Not a bad one, just a definite sense of sadness in the air. Hubby and I sat in the living room, chatting with my dad for a bit when we first arrived. After while, he helped her out of bed and we all sat by the Christmas tree, opening our gifts. We all tried to remain light hearted, but Omi was definitely having a difficult time. Little things set her off, and seeing the pain that she was feeling, just made my heart ache.

The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.

I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.

We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.

Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.

Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!

We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.

What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???

I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.

But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:

1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.

2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.

3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?

I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!

It's going to get a little Church-ey in here...

When Hubby and I purchased our home, I knew that I was going to feel lonely. We don't really know anyone near us. I have a coworker that lives in the next town over and my aunt and uncle live maybe 20 minutes from here. But I'm not that close to the coworker or the family, so that leaves me feeling a bit secluded. For quite a while now, I've been coming to terms with the fact that it's just not so easy for me to make friends anymore. I'm not sure what that's about and it really sorta hurts my feelings. I'm not sure if it's me - am I not likable? I do find myself being much more shy than I can ever remember being. And my husband doesn't really help. He's very anti-social, most of the time. He prefers to stay at home with his computer than to go out and meet people. So I'm on my own.

Not counting our wedding, I've only been to mass once in probably five years. It's not because of some boycott of the Church or ill feelings about the state of Catholicism (though, there are some of those). It's simply because I was either too lazy or Hubby didn't want me to go. His reason for wanting me to skip it was not because he's against the Church, but because he has major jealousy issues. He fears that I'm going to meet some wonderful Church-going man and leave him. *insert eye-roll* If I was going to cheat/leave him, it certainly wouldn't be with someone that I met at church! lol If anything, I would think he'd be pleased that I want to go to mass. Put some God-fearing in this woman! ;-)

Really, though, I needed to find a way to meet people, so I don't feel so alone. And I really do miss feeling like I have a connection to my religion. I used to be so active in the Church when I was younger. I went with my parents to mass every Sunday, I participated and tried SO HARD to make our Youth Group an active one, I *sorta* taught CCD (Meem really taught the classes. I was just there as backup...And I liked to color with the kids), I enjoyed going to a Catholic high school. When I went to college, I lost all of it...I just sorta walked away from it. I'm not sure if it was Hubby's anti-church persuasion or if it was because I was just too lazy to get out of bed on Sunday morning. I'm not sure what it was. I just didn't do it anymore. And I feel like I'm missing something in my life.

When we moved here, I started looking for churches that were nearby. I came up with a list of about five churches and intended to go to a mass at each one to determine where I felt I best fit in. I wanted a church that has an active youth group. I wanted a church where I felt the pastor really cared about everyone - not just those who made the biggest monetary difference or the ones that had been there the longest. I wanted a place that felt like home when I was there. And an active choir would be nice, too. My coworker that lives nearby told me on Monday that she'd had her newborn baptized last weekend and she told me about the church that they'd done it at, which is about 15 minutes from my house. I made up my mind that I wanted to check it out, so first I looked on the internet at their website. It's an old church, but a young congregation. There's a junior high and high school youth group, that seems to be very active. The high schoolers even have a summer retreat that they go to in July, much like I did when I was that age. Oh, and the choir is open to all. I was very hopeful and went to mass yesterday.

As a kid, we always went to the 8am mass. And I always thought it was such a bummer to have to get up so early on the weekend. So I skipped the early mass and went to the 10:30. I arrived around 10:10 and there were only a handful of cars in the parking lot. I sat in the car and watched young families and older couples started trickling in. After five minutes, I decided to get inside and find my seat. I always dislike going to a new mass...I worry that I'm going to take someone's regular spot. But I suppose that's the brakes, right? So, I walk up to the door and there's three older ladies walking up. I always love the grandmas. They always have something nice to say and seem to appreciate the little things, like me holding the door for them.

I follow the three ladies into the church and I'm immediately blown away. The building looks fairly small from the outside. Nothing really fancy about it. Just a regular old church building with some stained glass windows and a steeple. But it is amazing on the inside. It is fairly small, in comparison to the church I grew up in, but it is beautiful. High, arched ceilings and little details on the walls. The altar is gorgeous. I wish that I'd brought my camera to mass with me...I would've loved to take some photos of how beautiful it is.

As I sat, looking around, the choir began to sing. It's nothing like the choir at my old church, which is made up of mostly old women and a couple men, most of which really can't carry a tune. I tried to join a couple times and just felt out of place. And overpowered. This choir was fantastic. Wonderful harmonies and a cantor whose voice just wouldn't quit. It sounded like they had some real direction...They mostly sang songs that I was not familiar with, but that was okay because I just wanted to listen.

As we got closer to the start of mass, more and more people were filing in. I was sort of taken by how many people were there. And then about 5 minutes before mass started, there was a rush of moms and schoolage children who'd just come from the Sunday CCD classes. I thought to myself, how are all of these people going to fit in here? And they just kept coming. The only times I'd ever seen St L (the church I grew up and was married in) that packed was on Christmas or Easter. The ushers actually had to find people seats. This wasn't any special Holy Day or anything. This was just regular Sunday mass. I was squished between two dads in their early forties, and I had to shuffle my purse around all throughout the mass, just so we'd all fit comfortably in the row, but I didn't care. It was so nice to be there with all these other people. To know that we were all there for one reason.

*Disclaimer...It's going to get a little Church-ey here.*
Mass began and I went through all the responses, etc. It's funny...You'd think you might forget what you're supposed to say or when you're supposed to stand or kneel. But you don't. I fell back into it like I'd been going all along. The first reading was basically the list of the ten commandments. I've been thinking about how I need some guidance and could use an owner's manual on how to live my life. It was nice to have a little reminder. And then the gospel reading was the story about Jesus' disciples and all the folks in the Temple, making it more of a marketplace than a place of worship. Again, another nice one to hear. It's funny how you hear these readings so many times and don't come to appreciate them until after you haven't heard them in a while.

When I was younger, I hated the homily. The priests were always so long-winded and I never could follow them. How does what you're talking about relate to the readings? How am I supposed to apply this to my own life? Most of the time, I'd spend the homily looking at the bulletin and counting down the minutes til I could get out of there. Yesterday, I sat and listened. I felt like he was talking to me. He told a story of how a man came to a church and parked in the first available spot and as he was getting out of the car, someone else pulled in next to him and said 'That's where I normally park! You took my place!' And then the man goes into the church and has a seat and someone else comes up to him and says 'This is where I normally sit! You took my place!' So the man gets up and lets them have their seat. Father Joe goes on to explain that later in the mass, the man reveals himself as Jesus and that he did take all of our places. He died so that we could have life eternal. I just found it so poignant that Father Joe would relay this story on my first time back to church in years. Like I said, I felt like he was speaking to me. He continued his sermon by talking about how there are so many parishoners that do not come to mass and that no matter what he does, these people just aren't going to come. He said that someone at a previous mass had come to him and said 'Father, you're preaching to the choir! We do come to mass!' and he responded by telling that person that the people that already come should be the ones to spread the Word and invite those that do not. At that moment, I felt like I wanted to speak to him after mass and let him know how touched I felt by his story, and that he wasn't only preaching to the choir, but to someone who'd strayed a long time ago.

Mass continued and I found myself comparing this new church to St L in many different ways. And not saying 'This church is so much better.' But instead, I thought 'This is what St L was at one time. It was warm and inviting. It was young and old, at the same time. It was active and important.' I get choked up at the idea. I know to some people, it's only a church. But to me, it was and is so much more. It's a way to connect with other people who believe something similar to me. It's a way to be a part of something so much bigger than I am.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience. I'm so proud of myself for taking this first step. I didn't speak with the pastor after mass, but that's just because I'm a chickenshit. Maybe next weekend, I can step a little further out of my comfort zone and introduce myself. And maybe the following week, I can say hello to the the choir cantor...And maybe talk to him about joining. Baby steps, but ones that I'm so incredibly excited to take.