Ten Days...

It's been ten days since my best friend lost her 10 week old son...


I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.

Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.

Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong. 

The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial.  Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves.  I could not possibly tell her no.  I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask.  This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me.  She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli.  She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go.  Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service.  Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli.  There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm.  But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head.  I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....' 

After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby.  And again, I didn't shed a tear.  All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me.  I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters.  When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time.  I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them.  And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her. 

And the support from these girls still continues.  After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch.  We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son.  I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received.  Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June.  Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed. 

A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her.  These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed.  They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly.  We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.

I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening.  We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon.  Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him.  It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.

I love ya, Little Man.  Love, Auntie Jen

I'm praying for a miracle

My best friend & her 2 month old son need your help.  I can't do this alone. 

Yesterday, Eli (the baby) was hurt.  His father was feeding him and the baby fell from his arms.  He hit his head and lost consciousness and subsequently stopped breathing.  By the time the ambulance had arrived, there was a significant loss of oxygen to the brain.  They performed emergency surgery yesterday to relieve the hemmoraging and swelling, but things are not looking good.  Eli is in critical condition in the PICU and the doctors are not giving him much of a chance to get through this.  There is zero brain activity and he's hooked up to a bunch of machines, including a ventilator.  Tomorrow morning, they're planning to take him off of the vent to see if he will breathe on his own.

This poor little baby.  He's so perfect and tiny and the closest I will ever come to having a nephew.  And my best friend - I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that she's going through right now.  I only know how helpless I feel; being the best friend and seeing how much pain she is in and not being able to do anything to help her.  I don't know how to help her, other than to be there for her and continue to let her know that I love her and I'm praying with all my heart for her and her son.

I can't begin to know what you all believe or what you can do, but any positivity you can offer is most appreciated.  Prayers, positive vibes, good karma - she & Eli need it badly.  I'm being as strong as I possibly can for her and I know she feels hopeless right now, but I just have to have faith.  I'm praying for a miracle tonight.

Jinxed! And stuff...

Stupid Girl!  I got all bragadocious about my nice, clear skin yesterday.  Not two hours later, I had TWO new pimples.  I blame it on the hormones associated with AF.  Yep.  That's it.  :-)

I am super excited about Mother's Day this weekend.  I came up with a fantastic idea for my Omi (Grandmother) & Mom.  For Mom, I'm going to take an old photo and get a nice frame for it.  That's a little bland, but I'm sure she's going to like it.  But I'm really excited about the gift for Omi.  My mom's brother has three daughters, so altogether, Omi has four granddaughters.  I was thinking of giving her some kind of jewelry with our four birthstones, but that shit isn't cheap.  So, I continued thinking about it and the perfect idea just hit me.  I sent an email to my cousins, and asked all three of them to send me a nice pic of themselves, and I'll take one of myself (I would have Hubby do it, but he is terrible at taking pics of me.  He has a knack for making me look like I'm about 200lbs more than I already am.  Or maybe I'm just a lot more adept at hiding it...Anyway...).  I'm going to get a frame with four slots and get it engraved with a quote that Melissa shared with me once upon a time "A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend."

I told my cousins I'd sign their names to the card, as well.  I just know she's going to LOVE it!  I would have liked to get together with girls and take a pic of the four of us together, but one of the girls lives in Nebraska, and hasn't been back to Illinois in a LOOOOOOOONG time.

I'm having lunch at Omi's on Sunday with my Godmother (mom's cousin Sandy) and her mom.  And then we'll all go over to my parents' house to hang out for a while.  I'm thinking about maybe getting my mom a plant, too.  We'll see how much I spend on the frame and whether or not I get it engraved, too.  Hubby is going to hang out with his mama, too.  But she's working until 3, so he's going to go hang at her house (probably sleep) until she gets off.  Chances are that I'll end up over there, too.

Anyway, I'm stoked about the weekend.  Tomorrow, I'm making a roasted chicken & veggies for dinner and working on the gifts for Mom & Omi.  And Sunday, we'll be "down south" all day. 

Where does it even come from??

Last night, I had another dream about my cousin.  I thought I'd posted about her before, but I can't find it, so I'll just give a little back story.  My uncle (Dad's bro) was married and had four kids.  His wife (from our perspective) turned out to be a money-hungry, lying, brain-washing bitch.  She & my uncle tried to work things out for a number of years, but it just wasn't going to happen.  So, they began divorce proceedings and he moved out of the house that he lived in with her and his kids and moved in with my parents & me.  Over the years, as things with my uncle and his wife continued to get worse, my cousins stopped coming around for family gatherings, which was very sad for me because I always looked forward to playing with them.  The oldest was a year younger than me and the youngest was 10 years younger than me.  We weren't best friends, but I always got a kick out of getting to hang out with them. 

My sophomore year in high school, the oldest of my cousins was a freshman at the same school.  She and I would pass in the hall and smile & wave or say hi.  But when my uncle moved in with us, it was like my cousin lost all recognition of who I was.  She didn't even look at me when we passed in the halls.  It stung, but there wasn't anything I could do about it.  We weren't best buddies and, frankly, I thought that one day she'd come back around.  My senior year, her younger sister was a freshman and she was more likely to give me a wave, but still didn't come around for family functions.  I really began to feel like I'd lost a chunk of my family.

A few years later, the younger of the two girls came back to the family.  She got in contact with her dad again and made an effort to become a part of our lives.  I didn't know the whole story and it really wasn't my business, I was just glad that she had come back around.  The youngest of the cousins had always stayed in contact with us because my uncle had shared custody - she'd come every other weekend and one night a week.  So, two of my four cousins were back.  I could only hope that the other two would do the same in time.

But it's more than 10 years later, and still the oldest girl and the boy don't acknowledge our family.  I've tried to friend them both on Facebook and my requests go ignored.  I don't know what their father could have possibly done to cause them such hatred.  The girl got married a couple years ago and not only was our family not invited to the wedding, but her dad wasn't even invited.  She had her mom walk her down the aisle.  He's such a kind man (a tad annoying at times, but clearly loves his children and always wanted the best for them).  I don't understand how they could just disown him in the way that they have.  But that's the decision that they've made.  I don't know why it all bothers me so much, but it definitely always has.

That being said, I don't think about them nonstop.  Every once in a while, I'll see a pic on the facebook wall of one of the other two or a comment or something and it makes me wish that they were a part of my life.  But now and then, I have dreams about the girl.  And last night was one of those nights...

I dreamt that we were having a family party and we were sitting down to watch a movie or something.  I was sitting in a chair and my cousin was actually there and sat down on the floor in front of my chair and leaned her head back on my knee.  After a few minutes, I told her how happy I was that she was there.  She got angry at this, got up and told me that she only came because her therapist told her that it would be good to do.  She did it and now she was leaving. 

I was shocked.  I sat in dismay for a moment and then went chasing after her.  We were outside the house and she was just so mad.  I told her how I missed having her in our family and how I saw the relationship that she had with Lina (cousin on her mom's side) and was so envious of that.  She started crying and began telling me about how her mom would never let her leave.  That all of the money she ever made ended up going to her mother.  I held her while she cried and told her that it'd be okay. 

And then I woke up, sad that I knew such an event would never take place.  I don't know how or why she gets into my head sometimes.  Usually, I don't interact with her in my dreams.  She's normally in the distance and I want so badly to say something to her, but am afraid she'll ignore me or reject me.  Just typing out my recollection of the dream brings tears to my eyes. 

Anyway, this was more for me to get things off my chest and stop it from replaying in my brain.  I have some super exciting news (not about me - my BFF), so I'll have to sit down and focus on that sometime this weekend!

B-Wagon

Oh hell.

I got wrapped up in life and forgot to update my blog.  I apologize.  As I will again next time this happens. 

But for now, Melissa has inspired me to come back.  So, let's do the quick recap of what's happened in my life...

November:

• Terrie had a birthday.  We celebrated with friends.  Good times were had.
• Hubby & I did Thanksgiving solo - I made a turkey & fixings and then we went to see a movie.
• My coworker JB informed us that she had been accepted into the LPN program at the local community college and at the beginning of year, she would need to either become part time or leave the company.  Part-time was not available to her, so she helped in the interviewing and hiring process for her replacement.

December

• I received a Christmas card and $200 cash from an 'Anonymous Friend' in the mail.  Over the last few months, I sorta accidentally found out that it was from a coworker.  I sent a thank you card back to the return address (which had no name and was in California), and have let that person remain anonymous.
• I asked for a raise in lieu of the new responsibilities and additional workload that I'd be taking on with JB leaving.  I was denied.  But managers said that they would continue to push Bossman Bob to compensate me for the work I'd be doing.
• Holidays were lovely - had Christmas Day at our house for my mother-in-law & her boyfriend.
• Sang in the Christmas Eve mass with the choir - super long HOT mass, but very nice.
• Joined a...club?  A friend from choir invited me to join a group that she's in that consists of women that live in the area.  They do monthly events, which I've tried to attend at least one of per month.  December was my first time playing Bunco.  LOVED IT!

January

• I turned 29.  Holy hell.  How did that happen??
• JB's replacement was hired and started.  She's older (in her late 40's probably?), but very nice and is getting the hang of things.  I don't see us becoming good friends and going to lunch and getting our makeup done together, but I know we'll be able to work well together.
• JB left for good.  I cried as I walked down to my car that day.  I hate goodbyes.
• I planned a Baby Shower for Terrie with a Gone Fishing theme.  The invitations were handmade and amazing, if I do say so myself.  I had all type of fishy themed things planned, including fish bowl centerpieces with live goldfish on the two main tables.
• My managers continued pushing Bob for my raise and he finally gave in.  Yay!

February

• Terrie's shower was a success!  Everyone enjoyed themselves and I received a ton of compliments on what a nice job I'd done.  If only I could plan parties for a living.  That would really, truly be a dream come true.
• I have a new pet fish.  :-)  One of the two centerpiece fish went home with a guest from the party as a door prize.  The other one was abandoned.  No, really, the other guest who won the second fish had no interest in taking it home.  And I have to admit that I was kinda happy about that.  I wouldn't have minded keeping both of them. 
• You can't have just one fish in a ten-gallon tank, so we got two more.  They all seem to be coexisting happily together.  Freddie, Mortimer & Albert are all different types of goldfish and totally fascinating to me.  I can literally sit in front of the aquarium for over an hour and just watch them swim around.  Ridiculous, I know.

And I think that's about it.  You'll notice there are no updates on Hubby - he's still not working.  And there's still not a chance of a baby in the near future.  One is very dependent on the other, so I just continue to wait....:-P  Life is actually pretty good right now.  I mean, aside from the lack of a job on Hubby's part, things are plugging along.  The new responsibility at work is welcome.  I like having stuff to do for the entire day.  I like being the more experienced one.  I like feeling like a big fish in a small pond.  Always have.

Anyway, that's life for now.  Melissa is doing a fantabulous challenge, which I will be happy to steal and start doing tomorrow.  :-)  I hope that I'm able to get back into the swing of things.  I'm just going to have to figure out how to blog and watch tv at the same time. 

You say it's your BIRTHDAY!

Today is my best friend's birthday.  Today begins the last year of her 20's.  And for the next two months and three days, I will be younger than her.  And I'll make sure to remind her of this.  Often.  :-)

Terrie has been such a big part of my life for the last six years.  She helped me to come out of my shell in college.  She helped me to realize that there was much more to life than sitting in my room, playing on the computer or watching tv (not that those are terrible things...believe me.  I still spend way too much time doing both.).  She has truly become the sister that I never had.

She's been a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh until I cry with.  She has been the person to tell me what I need to hear, whether I like what she's got to say or not.  She has been my confidant and my cheerleader.  She stood by my side, as I vowed to my husband.  She spent countless nights just sitting and watching tv with me.  She showed me that with determination, you can achieve your goals.  She is my best friend. 

I am so glad that she has come back home and I don't know what I would do if she ever left again.  I still don't see her as often as I would like, but once a year is just unacceptable. Terrie, if you decide to leave again, I will cut you.

Life has thrown her some curve balls, but she is a strong woman who I believe is capable of anything.  In four months, she will become a mother and I'm so excited for her.  Being that Hubby and I are both only children, Terrie's children are really the closest I feel I will ever come to having nieces/nephews.  I can't even express the happiness that I feel for her.  I am overwhelmed with feelings of excitement!  I am chomping at the bit to start planning her baby shower and I can't wait until the day that little man in born.  I will be at the hospital, in all my Auntie Jen-ness. 

Terrie - I just want you to know how very important you are to me.  I hope that your birthday is everything that you want it to be.  I hope your man spoils you rotten in whatever ways you like - candy, flowers, sex...You know, the whole shebang.  I hope that beautiful step daughter of yours realizes what a lucky little girl she is to have you in her life.  I hope you win a scratch off Lotto ticket for a million bucks.  I hope your little sea monkey comes out in a ninja outfit and a kippah.  I hope your life can be drama-free, if only for a day.  I hope 29 candles grace your cake for the rest of your birthdays.  And I hope you know that your best friend loves you more than words can ever EVER express.

Holler!!

Wow! The blogs that I enjoy reading so very much are sadly barren...Must be how you all have felt since I disappeared. ;-) I hope that you all are super busy and so full of wonderfulness in your lives, that you just haven't had the time to post. In contrast to my inability to come up with anything interesting to talk about!!!

I had a little blurb about Hubby still not working right here. I decided to remove it because it's just repetition and I really dislike being redundant. So, we'll just move on to other people, who have far more interesting things to talk about.

Hubby's cousin, who I took wedding photos for last September, and his wife are filing for divorce. Yes, you read that correctly. They were married on Sept 19th, 2009 and were already in the process of getting a divorce by Sept 19th, 2010. It's definitely a sad situation, but not totally surprising. They're a volatile couple and have been on again, off again for something like six years now. They rescheduled and called off their wedding at least two times. It was actually mildly surprising that they went through with the marriage. When they first started dating, I didn't like her much, but that was more due to the fact that she was pretty and seemed to have her shit together than anything else. Over the years, she and I got to know one another and she grew on me. It seemed that she wanted to have a friendship with me and was very nice to feel like I had someone to talk with at family get-togethers. But he has moved back in with his mom and next weekend, will be formally moving out - going to her house and packing up all his shit and moving it back to his mom's.

Hubby and I were talking about the whole situation this weekend. They're both from divorced families. Hubby & I are both from non-divorced families. He wondered if children who grew up in divorced homes are more likely to divorce than those who did not. I'm sure there's research that supports both ideas. I don't know all the details of why they've decided to split. Hubby said that she didn't want the divorce, that it's his cousin who's doing it. Apparently, she's very jealous and thinks that any girl he talks to, he's cheating with. She also has a bad habit of spending all of his money. He was laid off for a number of months and they racked up a bunch of debt. Once he started working again, and making a very good wage, she just went nuts and rather than paying off the debt, continued to spend, spend, spend.

Hubby told his cousin that if he needs a day or two away from his mom, he's welcome to crash at our house. I guess Cousin said 'I don't know how long I'm going to stay at my mom's, but yeah. I might take you up on that. Especially if you're still laid off, I could throw you some rent money.' Essentially suggesting that he stay with us a for a while. Hubby real quick put the kabash on that, but I would totally be down!!! If we could get some extra income, it would certainly help our financial situation. Plus, it might be nice to have another guy around to do the manwork. lol I hate having to take out the trash and bring the grill in & out of the garage. Plus, he's nice to look at. lol That would never happen, though. Hubby appreciates his privacy far too much to invite someone to live with us for an unknown amount of time. Even if it meant a couple hundred extra dollars a month....:-P

I'm having a hard time determining what I want to be for Halloween this year. I usually have a teammate at work in my dressing up, but since she's on maternity leave with her newborn, I'm probably going to be solo dressing up at work. Another coworker dressed up last year. But he's getting married two weeks before Halloween, and will only return from his honeymoon a couple days before the holiday. So, I'm kinda thinking of something a little less involved, but I love using Halloween as an excuse to do some dramatic makeup. Anyone have any ideas? Something cheap, but that would require some kind of fancy/interesting/cool makeup? I've done a cat, a dark fairy, Dorothy (from Wizard of Oz), and a witch in the years since I've been at my job. I was thinking of doing the fae again, but like I said earlier, I hate to repeat myself.

I think I'm going to get back to work now. I hope everyone is doing well. And I hope to see some new posts by all you lovelies, soon!! :-)

Pretty Sure I'm Losing My Mind...

I want to apologize up front for the bitching and moaning that are to come...I needed an outlet and what better way to vent than to update my otherwise quiet blog with irritated ranting. If you're not in the mood, please, move along. I won't be madatcha.

So, within a matter of days of my last uber-positive post, things sorta fell apart. The little red sister arrived, which was disappointing. I was a week late and was so excited that my body was tricking itself into all-day morning sickness. So there's that. And the same day that that little bitch arrived, Hubby was laid off from work. It's been over a month now and I'm starting to come unhinged.

The layoff was not due to anything he did. He was just next in line. He works for a company that prints and cuts labels - soup can labels, paint can labels, juice bottle labels. His job is to take the large, printed sheets and cut them down to specific sized labels. He belongs to a union and when he got this job, I believed that the union was going to be a great thing. Turns out that unions, and the politics associated with them, can really be a pain in the neck.

Another department at his company has been in negotiations with the company for months on their contract. For one reason or another, they just won't agree to the contracts that the company is offering to them. And each time a new offer is put together, it's a long process. As a way of proving to the company that everything they've stipulated is necessary, this department has slowed its production to a near standstill. They're putting out as little product as they can, which results in next to nothing for Hubby's department.

There have been other cutters laid off prior to Hubby, and we've just thanked our lucky stars that he wasn't included in the lay off, but this time, we weren't so lucky. He's been told that once production picks back up, he will get a call to come back to work. He trusts in that and has been collecting unemployment, and intends to continue to do so, until he gets that call. He has the highest seniority of all the folks on the callback list, so he's at the top of the list. His wife, however, is not so confident.

Who knows how long it's going to take to get this contract signed? It's already been months! Who's to say it won't take another 6 or 9 or 12 months before they can all come to an agreement??? He told me that he feels a "loyalty" to this company. That he doesn't want to go work for someone else because he likes the people that he works with, he gets along with the big boss, he makes good money and has good benefits... It's already been almost 5 weeks that he's been off work.

Here's the part where I really start bitching...:-P

He has no desire to even START LOOKING for a new job until he's been laid off for four months. That was the amount of time he told me that he'd be willing to wait. So, whether I like it or not, he's taking that summer vacation that I swore he wouldn't do this time around. And what does he do while he's not working? NOT A GD THING! He plays WoW from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. He pauses here and there to do things like: go to the kitchen and make a sandwich for lunch, go to the kitchen and unload the dishwasher - after I've called and had to ask him to do this, and stop in the kitchen to pick up the dinner that I made after I worked all day and then drove home for an hour. I think I'd have a less difficult time dealing with this layoff if he did something productive while he was home. Pick up around the house. Get started on one of the many projects you talk about doing. Make dinner. ANYTHING!

I was aggravated when I got home last night and nothing had been done. He couldn't even manage to certify with unemployment without my reminding him. Really?? Your brain is THAT taxed that you can't remember to do the one little 10 second thing that you have to do to earn your 2 weeks' pay? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!!?????

His game is down for maintenance today. He swore he was going to do some work around the house, since he couldn't play all day. I didn't want to shit on him, but honestly, I will believe that when I see it. I think he'll maybe do a load of laundry, which I'll have to fluff and fold when I get home. And perhaps he'll do a half assed job of emptying the dishwasher, since he "doesn't know where certain things go"... And then he'll probably create a new character on the game on a different server that ISN"T having maintenance today because that's what all the rest of his lame ass friends are doing today.

I can't stand it. Get off your ass, Buddy! Do some work! Look for a job! Do something to make your wife not bitch about you right now!!! That's all I can do right now. Every conversation I have is somehow centered around the fact that I don't have money to spend (because, sue me, that's what I enjoy doing...Whether it's on food or makeup or getting my hair done or *gasp* paying the effing bills) or my husband is a jackass and I'm fed up to my ears with it!!!

He hasn't left the house since Mother's Day. And the only reason he's breaking that record this weekend is because his mother would murder him if he didn't show up.

But what can I do? I can't force him to look for a job. I can't make him be more helpful at home. Sure, I could get angry and yell and tell him he sucks at life right now. But what will that accomplish? I'll tell you what would happen if I did that - he'd backtalk his way out of it, make me feel guilty for making him feel like "less of a man" and then he'd storm off to his cave and we'd continue on for the next 11 and a half weeks the same way we have been for the last 5. I wish to God that I could change him...

There's a country song, 'The Man I Want to Be,' that says everything I wish he would say and feel. I wish he could get to that point where he realizes that he acts like a selfish child 90% of the time. And I wish that he had the desire to change.

Okay...I think I got it out of my system. Until someone asks me how I'm doing. At which point, I will provide them with far more information than they ever wanted when they were simply being polite and hoping for a polite 'Fine, thanks,' in return.

A little of this and a little of that

It wasn't a fluke!

We had another really nice weekend! I made French toast for breakfast on Saturday, we watched some tv together and did some yardwork together. Hubby came down to the kitchen and ate dinner with me. Sunday, after church, we grilled burgers & brats for lunch, relaxed together for the afternoon and then I went to dinner with some of my favorite girls.

I'm looking forward to the weekend again, not just because I won't be working, but because I'll be able to spend time with Hubby! What a complete 180!!! And he seems to be pretty content, as well. I feel like he's a different person. I don't know if it was that he heard my unhappiness and finally felt like it was time to do something about it. Or perhaps it's directly related to the lack of green. I don't know what exactly to attribute the change to, but I'm really encouraged. Two weeks in a row and things are still good. We're both putting forth an effort to make one another happy. And it's really nice!!!

Yesterday was Opa's 88th birthday. At the last minute, I decided to take off of work a couple hours early and visit the cemetary with Omi. She didn't want to stay for very long. I can understand that, but I would have liked to stay longer. Now I know where he is, though, so I can go see him on my own and stay longer if I choose. Omi and I are both very emotional people, so once one of us starts getting choked up, the other is sure to follow. Definitely, next time I'm down there, I'll go see him and have a little chat on my own.

I contacted JB's tattoo artist about the piece that I want to get. It's not going to be cheap. He said it'll probably take more than one session and each session is $250 (3-4 hours, depending on how much I can take) or $100/hour. So, it could be anywhere from $350-500. But he sounded really stoked about the idea. I told him that I'll have to book the appointment a couple months out, so that I can save up the money. I'm hoping by late June, I can do the first session. Hubby isn't totally thrilled about the idea - he'd like to see me spend the money elsewhere - but he has said that he isn't going to tell me I can't do it. He's probably right. It would be more responsible to spend the money on something more practical, like a storm door for our front door or make a larger dent in our credit card debt. But it's important to me to do this in memory of Opa. I don't want to wait forever for it, ya know? I've set aside $50, so I'm that much closer!

I have my first choir practice tomorrow! The director called me last week and invited me to come to rehearsal. I did go up and introduce myself to him this Sunday. He seems very nice. I can't wait to start singing in a choir again. I'm so super excited about it!!! Last week, I went to the youth ministry adult planning meeting. They do so many different activities and events for the teens in the parish. I'm really excited to get involved with them, as well.

I can't believe how quickly the summer starts filling up with plans! I'm planning a camping trip in June with some of my girlfriends, Hubby & I are going to take a vacation in July (He even suggested getting on a PLANE to go somewhere...This is HUGE!!!!), some of the girls & I are planning a "hookie" day in August, September is my 10 year high school reunion (holy crap!), October is a coworker's wedding and November is a sorority sister's wedding. Today is only April 14th! I can only imagine how many other things are going to fill up this summer. I'm SO excited!

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Okay, maybe not ever, but it really was a nice weekend. And I had every intention of telling everyone all about it yesterday and then stupid work got out of hand. I was actually required to focus on my job. :-P

Oh, but today is another story. I have the time to tell you all about my fantastic weekend today!

It started with Friday...I decided to take a half day on Friday. Initially, I thought we were going to have my mother-in-law over for Easter dinner this past weekend, and I wanted to make sure that I gave myself plenty of time for cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. Then Hubby decided that he didn't want to do all that work (Pfft...Yeah, like he'd really be doing the work...), so we decided that we'd join the rest of the family at his aunt's house for the holiday. But I'd already requested the afternoon off, so I wasn't about to reneg on that.

So, I took the afternoon and did some shoe shopping!! I've really wanted to get some cute flats - something with a print, like a zebra or leopard print. Or some funky color. I'd bought some super cute ones from Kohl's the weekend before, but didn't try them on until I got home and found that they didn't fit. So, I returned those and then headed out to Shoe Carnival. I tried on probably 20 different shoes. They were all either too big or too small or not wide enough. I finally found a cute pair of silver flats. They weren't exactly what I'd had in mind, but they were close enough.

After shopping for like 3 hours (how the hell does the time go so quickly????), I finally headed home, made myself a tasty dinner and got ready to... Wait for it... GO OUT! My BFF has made some friends in her new town and she invited me to hang out with them on Friday night. We called another one of our girlfriends and she actually came out with us, too. I have to admit, I have a minor crush on one of BFF's buddies, so that's always fun. Last time I went out with all of them, I had a good time, but when you have to drive 30 minutes home, it's a bit restricting. So, I asked Hubby, if I could find a ride out to the bar, would he come pick me up. At first, there was some resistance, but he eventually said he would come get me. Even if it meant he had to go home for a while and then come back out to get me.

So BFF came out to get me and we hung out with all her people. It was a great time. Her friends are all very nice; a lot of fun! They convinced me, after quite a few shots, to sing at karaoke, which was alright. I get super nervous singing in front of people. I get all shaky and my voice sorta dies. But I think I did alright. Everyone said what a nice job I did, but I'm a firm believer that what people say and what they mean can be very different things. Hubby came to get me and, to my amazement, came in the bar and met everyone. I later found out that if I'd asked, he would have stayed and hung out for another hour until the bar closed. But I was ready to go. There was a minor amount of drama with BFF and her boyfriend, and I was kinda bored by that point. And I was really happy that Hubby was being so...social!!

We went home and had ourselves a nice, halfway drunken time. :-)

Saturday, we slept in and then spent most of the day (IN THE SAME ROOM!!!), watching tv together. I made tacos for dinner and a carrot cake for Sunday dinner. It was a very nice day, just spent relaxing together.

Sunday, I went to Easter mass. Boy, was it crowded!!! I'm so glad that I remembered about the twice a year Catholics! I got there early enough to find a seat close to the choir. Next week, I intend to go and talk to the choir director after mass and ask him about joining. I've been putting it off because of my stupid shyness, but this is really the reason that I chose this church. I was so impressed with the choir and really want to be a part of it, I need to just get the guts up to introduce myself and ask about joining! So, the plan is to talk with him this Sunday. Say a little prayer for me for some courage, would ya? :-)

After mass, I came home and woke up Hubby. We got ready and went off to his aunt's house for dinner. Both of her kids (our age) and their kids were there. As were my mother-in-law & her boyfriend and Hubby's other aunt & uncle. It was a very full house, but it was really nice. Highlights of the day:

• Four year old Maddie told me that I look like Hannah Montana with glasses. Thanks, Kid! Now if only I could fit into Hannah Montana's clothes!
• Aunt Laura & Maddie's conversation about how Aunt Laura lost one of her fingers:
• Aunt Laura - I was driving and there was a deer in the road.
• Maddie - And he bit it off???
• Watching Hubby take care of Maddie's 9 month old brother while their parents ran to the store for a while. Everyone kept telling how good he looked with a baby on his lap.

We got home around 8 and watched a movie together before I headed to bed. Nothing extraordinary happened this weekend, but it was so nice. Hubby decided on Friday that he wasn't going to buy a bag of green, that he's ready to be done with it, so I was really expecting a grumpy, mean asshole. But he completely surprised me. He was super sweet and we had a great weekend together. I definitely didn't think that he heard me the week before, when I complained that we never spent time together. That I was lonely and hated feeling like we were just coexisting in the same space. And then he shows me that he really DID hear me!!! What a nice surprise!!!

I hear you, loud and clear!!!

So...In this post, I was debating over whether to go with a cherry blossom tree or a magnolia for the tattoo that I was to get as a memorial for my dear Opa. I've been going back and forth on it since then and because I don't have the extra cash for such a tattoo, I'm just dreaming of it.

And then the answer hit me today like a punch in the gut.

I got a card from Omi in the mail this morning. It's a Happy Easter card; Love, Omi (seeing that signature without '& Opa' is heart wrenching, btw). Included in the card is $10 and a newspaper article. I went down to visit them last weekend after my bookclub meeting, and she asked me if I had intentions of planting any flowers this spring. I told her that I wanted to, but that last summer, I proved to be very bad about remembering to water my flowers. That was pretty much the end of that conversation. So, I open the newspaper article and here's what it was


As soon as I read the title, it was like all of the wind was knocked out of me. I was immediately (and still am) choked up. There was no note from her, as to why she sent me this article. I never mentioned the tattoo or the idea or have ever said anything to her about it. In fact, she'd probably ream me for thinking about getting another tattoo, if I said something ahead of time.

I just know that this is from Opa. I feel like he is telling me through Omi that I should go with the magnolia.

Just yesterday, I was having a bit of a down day. I had a moment of doubt, thinking, what if this life is really ALL there is. What if he's just gone? And then I get this obvious sign that he's still with me. That he's paying attention. Thanks for that, Opa. I really did need it.

His birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. He would have been 88 on April 12th. I really wish that I could do this on/around his birthday. My friend at work and her husband have recently had some tats done and I really think he does good work. I think I might send the guy an email and give him an idea of what I want to do and see if he can give me an idea of what it'll cost. I was going to ask another friend's husband to draw it up, since he's a really good artist, but I have another, smaller piece that I want to do later that I think he'd be good with. I think this one would be better left to a tattoo artist. Maybe this piece could cost less than I'm expecting (wishful thinking, I suppose) and I could get it done for Opa's birthday.

He hears me...

But I don't know if he understands me.

Each weekend seems to be a different "discussion." Last weekend, it was the baby discussion. I really tried to stress to him how important this is to me. That the whole baby making process is not going to be easy for us. We're both overweight and quickly heading to our 30's. Now is the time.

Hubby talks a lot about "CJ." CJ is what we will name our first son. Hubby talks about him on a regular, probably daily, basis. Things that we will and won't do with/for/to him. But there's this huge issue...In order for CJ to come to fruition, we have to have sex. And recently, Hubby has decided that sex is too much like "work" to be bothered. He basically said he can get the same end result in 5 minutes time, without having to get all sweaty and tired. Dude, really? Way to make your wife feel good about herself. I tried to talk about the whole thing with him. He says he agrees, now is the time. But I don't see him making any efforts to change things.

So, this weekend, the "discussion" was about spending time together. I feel like I have a roommate, not a husband. He sits upstairs, playing video games and doing whatever he's doing all weekend. I go downstairs and watch tv and cook and clean and go out for this reason or that reason. When he's hungry, he comes down to the kitchen, finds some food and takes it all back up to the office with him. Now that he's working 2nd shift, he stays up later than I do and sleeps later than I do.

Yesterday, I told him that I would like for us to spend some quality time together. I tried explaining to him that just because we're in the house together at the same time, that doesn't make it time spent together. I tried to tell him that sleeping next to one another doesn't count. I told him that I don't like feeling like we just exist in the same place. I told him I'm not happy about it. That I feel like at the very least, he should be able to pull himself away from the game and eat a meal with me. I cook the dinner and he comes and gets a plate and then takes it back upstairs. I'm left to clean everything up and eat alone. It just sucks. I feel like it shouldn't be this way. His response is that this is how his parents were. He tries to tell me that my parents & grandparents didn't have "quality" time together, either. That they all did their own thing. Yes, you do your own things, but then at some point, you get together and enjoy one another's company. I mean, otherwise, what the hell is the point? He doesn't see a problem with it. He thinks that this is perfectly normal and okay and I'm supposed to "outgrow" this need for anything more than cohabitation.

He thinks the problem is that I need him to give more attention. And he's right. But he doesn't give it to me in the way that I want and need. He thinks wrestling with me for ten minutes before going to sleep counts as paying attention to me. He thinks waking me up when he gets home (an hour or two after I've already gone to sleep) and talking at me about his day for a half hour is enough.

He wasn't always this way...We used to do things. We used to go places together. See a movie, go out for dinner, go camping, drive around, watch tv, play games. Now, it's like we have nothing in common anymore. I try to suggest things that we could do together, and he shoots each one of them down.

I just keep asking myself, What are we doing? What are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?

Christmas Just Isn't What It Used to Be, and then some

Today was Christmas at my parents' house. It was not the best holiday gathering...Not a bad one, just a definite sense of sadness in the air. Hubby and I sat in the living room, chatting with my dad for a bit when we first arrived. After while, he helped her out of bed and we all sat by the Christmas tree, opening our gifts. We all tried to remain light hearted, but Omi was definitely having a difficult time. Little things set her off, and seeing the pain that she was feeling, just made my heart ache.

The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.

I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.

We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.

Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.

Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!

We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.

What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???

I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.

But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:

1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.

2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.

3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?

I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!

I'm here...

Here being at my job...But that's about all they can expect from me today. lol

The majority of our customers are in Canada, and since their Thanksgiving is on a different day than ours, we are required to have people in the office today. That being said...I'm not planning on actually doing much today. If an emergency arises, and I'm forced to do some work, I will do it. If not, I will continue to do nix. I could have taken today off, but I would've had to use vacation time. And really, what would I have been doing at home? Not what I should be doing, as I so perfectly demonstrated yesterday.

We didn't do Thanksgiving yesterday. I made Hamburger Helper with ground turkey for dinner. We spent the day as if it were any Saturday. With the exception of the mass amounts of texts that I sent and received, wishing a Happy Turkey Day to the recipients. I confess, I didn't even call the parents. *hanging head in shame*

I kept meaning to call, but before I realized it, it was 9pm and time to go to bed (and argue with Hubby, apparently). Dad was having Loopy (his mother) over for linner. I'm sure his hands were full between her and Mom. Loopy pretty much doesn't recognize anyone anymore. She is thin as a rail and mostly lives in her own head. Dad recently moved her to a retirement community that is less than five minutes from the house. He's had her in a couple different places, but the most recent one bumped up her rent and it was just getting to be too much. And frankly, my dad is the one that sees her the most often and takes care of her the most, so she should be convenient for him to go to.

Anyway, we stayed home yesterday because Hubby threw a fit when I suggested that we drive down to visit for the day. He whined about how he just wanted a weekend where he didn't have do anything (which is total bullshit...He does nothing every weekend). He said he wanted to save the gas money that we'd use to drive the hour and a half down there and back. I gave in, because when we have this argument about Christmas, at least I'll have Turkey Day to cite as a reason why he can't have his way again.

After the argument about not going to see my family, I suggested that we have his mother and her boyfriend over to our house this weekend. She decided to work the holiday (double time, man. If it was offered to me, I would've done it, too!), so we're having them over on Sunday. I'm rather excited to cook for them. Everytime we've had them over in the past, we either had spaghetti (the traditional Italian meal) or we've gone out. So, I think this is the first time I've actually cooked a meal for her.

I'm going to go to the grocery store this afternoon after work and I'm hoping I can get a good deal on some of the traditional Thanksgiving goodies, since it's the day after and I'm sure the stores are going to want to try to get rid of all the extras. I'm going to make a turkey breast (yeah, I'm not going to make a big ass bird just for the four of us. Even if I want leftovers, I have no desire to deal with the neck and insides and YUCK! I'll just get a big breast, tyvm.), Mashed Taters, Sausage & Apple Stuffing, Gravy & Brussel Sprouts - all the things that I LOVE! lol

I found a recipe for 'Night Before' mashed potatoes, which sound a lot like what Omi does, you end up baking them for like an hour before the meal. I've already made the stuffing once and it turned out excellent. I think I'll just steam the sprouts. Mother-in-law's boyf doesn't like sprouts...Thinking I might make some green beans or something for him. Or maybe he just doesn't get a veggie. lol

I need to clean tomorrow...I should have cleaned yesterday, but sat in front of my computer all day, instead. I have a slight addiction to the Sims 3. The game is fun, but the thing that I like doing most is building houses. I find floor plans online for these incredible houses and then try to recreate them in the game. Building and furnishing one house can eat up an entire day. Yeah, I do have a problem, but whatev. It's better than the old habit (WHICH I STOPPED 3 WEEKS AGO ALREADY!!! I could probably start sending out my resume now, without having to worry about that...yay!).

Oh, and I need to put up all my Christmas decorations. This was another task that I had planned to do yesterday and just didn't. First, it was Hubby's fault because he wouldn't get the shit out for me. And then it was my own fault, because, like I said, I have a problem. lol

Anyway, I'm all over the place with this blog. Just wanted to purge some thoughts. :-) I'll try to take some pics of the food that I make this weekend.

Cryin' for Me

Today is two months since one of the most influential and incredible people in my life passed away. I still can't quite grasp the concept that he's no longer with us. The first thought that came into my head when my dad told me that Opa had passed away was 'Who will carve the turkey on Thanksgiving?' and that was enough to make the world come crashing down around me.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love getting together with family that I haven't seen in a while. I love most of the traditional Turkey Day foods. I love listening to all the same stories that I hear year after year, reminiscing about years past. I don't think my family's going to do Thanksgiving this year. My mom doesn't eat anymore, Opa's not with us. My dad and Omi would be making some huge feast for four of us. I just don't think it's going to happen. We'll probably go see Hubby's family for the holiday. Which would be okay. I guess it'll be a nice relief that we don't have to eat twice. But I'm just very sad about the whole thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my dad will have his brother and his daughter over. Maybe Omi will invite Opa's sister. We'll see.

Last night, on my way home from a very long day at work, I heard this song on the radio and couldn't control myself. It just says everything that I have been feeling. I'm not cryin 'cause I feel so sorry for you, I'm cryin' for me.

Toby Keith More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos

Sweet Dreams...

First, I just wanted to thank those of you that replied to my last post about the Princess Problem. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only woman on Earth who wouldn't mind being a SAHM and/or housewife. Although, I have to admit, if I was only a housewife, there would be no excuse as to why there's a waist-high pile of dirty laundry in the bedroom or why there's stacks of papers laying on the kitchen table.

Second on my mind, Wow!! The authors of my bloglist must have been feeling exceptionally BLOGGY in the last 24 hours! I've got a TON of reading to catch up on. LOVE it!

Finally, I wanted to share a wonderful dream with you all that I had last night. I dreamt that I was at a doctor's office, and I'm standing there in the exam room all by myself and apparently it's common practice to administer vaccines on your own, in this dream. So I'm gathering all of the pre-filled syringes and preparing them for injection, when a blonde haired girl, who bore a striking resemblence to Maria Lark, from Medium, came running into the room and out again through a door on the opposite side of the room. She was followed by Hubby, who was cradling a newborn. He passed the newborn off to me and went chasing after the little girl. I hollered at the little girl (Shelly, short for Michelle) to come back into the room, but was apparently not heard. I sat down and soon an older man - the doctor - came in the room and was asking questions about the baby.

I woke up with the distinct feeling that these two children were ours. Oh, and don't worry, I didn't inject anyone with anything. Thank goodness! :-) It was a very nice dream. I just wish that it hadn't been 3am when I woke up. lol

Another dream that I have (as in a goal...one that I really hope to achieve) is to lose about 15 lbs. by Christmas. I bought this beautiful dress about a month ago, with the intention of wearing it to a friend's baby shower. But it didn't fit quite right. I was rather uncomfortable and decided not to wear it. I was sadly going to return the dress, but then couldn't find the receipt and am unwilling to accept $15 for a dress that I paid $40 for. So, I've decided that my goal will be to wear this dress for Christmas. I just need to lose some weight in the middle, so that it hangs better and doesn't point out the fact that my boobs don't match the rest of me. I think 15/20lbs is achievable in 7 weeks. The only problem that I have is I don't know how to go about doing it! I need to get moving...Maybe walking a few times a week. And eating smaller portions. That's the plan. Keep your fingies crossed for me!

A post of randomness...What else is new

It's 9:31 on Wednesday morning and I am the only person in the office. Not because I'm some weirdo that enjoys coming in on holidays and weekends, but because 2 out of 7 people called emailed in sick, or whatever.

I typed out this long, whining thing about how I'm pissed that JB called in again, but whatever. Ya'll don't want to read that. I have found that the blogs that I really enjoy reading are the ones that aren't whining about how life sucks. Bitch and moan and wah wah wah...How are you supposed to comment when all I'm doing is vomiting my irrational foul mood at you? Paragraphs erased...Onto another topic.

It's now 9:47 and I'm STILL all alone. I really need to look for a new job. This morning, DreX was talking about how many women in the workforce view their job as that, a JOB, rather than a career. And many have what they called the "Princess Problem." Meaning that women work in order to provide for themselves until a man comes along and sweeps them off their feet and they live happily ever after. The two women on the show were appalled at this idea of men being the provider and blah blah blah.

Seriously?

You mean to tell me that if Richy Rich came to your rescue and said 'You never have to work again. I will rescue you from the pit of despair that is your job.' that you would turn him down??? Because I wouldn't!!!

If Hubby made enough money to support us both comfortably, my fat ass would be sitting at home, watching the end of Oprah right now.

I just got a text message from a friend of mine, saying that she's in labor. She was one of my sorority sisters, got her degree in teaching, worked in a bank for the last two years and, as far as I know, worked until yesterday. And today begins her retirement. Her husband makes enough money to allow her to stay home and raise her children, and she won't have to work. I'm so completely and totally jealous. Not only of the baby (not having that pity party today, tyvm), but also of the fact that she will get to be home with him after he's born. And not just for 6 weeks, but for as long as she wants!

I dunno, maybe it's because of how I grew up. My mom decided the same thing that my friend did, when I was born, she stopped working. I don't know if she would've gone back to work if she hadn't gotten MS, but I kinda think not. My dad was the provider. And in that picture in my head, I always imagined the same thing for myself.

Am I alone in this? I mean, for those of you that work, if Prince Charming swept you off your feet, would you choose to stay home? Or would you want to continue to work and advance your career - support yourself, rather than depending on a man?

Hey, 10:03 and finally, there's someone else here! I can go in search of coffee and a pee break! Lucky me!

A rainbow through the storm

Things have been pretty craptastic lately, and I've been kind enough to share the poop with ya'll. But I think maybe I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sunday's Memorial service for Opa seems to have calmed me a little bit. I'm trying to remember him in a happy way, rather than be sad for my own loss. Yes, I miss him. And he can never be replaced. Right now, I think there will always be an emptiness where Opa should be. But I feel less chaotic about it. I feel like having a service to remember him helped me to reign in my feelings of despair. Sharing my stories of him and seeing all the people who'd gathered to remember him - it helps me to know that he won't be forgotten.

Yesterday, I took the afternoon off of work. Hubby and I did some shopping and I had time to cook one of my favorite meals. We got the mail and received a letter from the mortgage company, saying that they have submitted instruction to the credit agencies to remove a negative status, which means that sometime next month, we should be closing on our refi. I'll be able to get our money back in order in the next 30 days, which is an enormous weight off my shoulders. Hubby and I were talking yesterday evening, after receiving this letter, about how it was a gift from God that the bank decided to help us out. I agree, but I told him that I think it's more. I think Opa had a hand in it - an anniversary gift from him. Maybe it's hokey, but it makes me smile, so I'll go on thinking it.

Photo from Pixdaus

Memories

Today was Opa's memorial Service. Omi held it at the church that she attends. There were a couple of hymns sung and bibles verses read. After the Gospel and meditation, I was called up to give what I understand now to have been his euology. When Omi asked me to speak, I didn't realize that i'd be the only one. I also didn't realize how difficult it would be to read those words in front of so many people. I found myself focusing on the people who matter so much to me - Omi & my parents. It wasn't so much the words that were hard to say. What made it so difficult was Omi's eyes, staring into mine. I wanted her to know how sorry I am for our loss. I made it through my speech, though barely breathing and choking on a lump in my throat.

After the service, a lot of people came up to me and told me what a nice job I'd done. I thanked them, feeling good that I'd been able to share a little bit of what an amazing man he was to me. A number of people also commented on how brave I'd been to do that. I never even thought of it being about bravity. Omi asked me and I couldn't have imagined saying anything other than yes. Opa always complimented me on how well he thought I did with public speaking. I was able to project my voice and he, terribly hard of hearing, even with hearing aids, was able to understand what I was saying. He used to watch the baseball games on tv with the sound muted because all he could hear was noise. But when I spoke, he was able to hear me loud & clear. I feel like my getting up there today would have made him proud. I feel like he would've given me a pat on the shoulder and said 'That was pretty good, Jennifer. You did a nice job.'

Hubby did a great job. He made sure that he was ready on time, we left early and were 30 minutes early at the church. He held my hand and reminded me to breathe. When I finished speaking, and got back to my seat, that's sort of when I lost it. I just held his hand and tried to keep myself from sobbing.

I felt so many things as I sat in that church today. I felt such grief and sadness for myself. For my uncle, as I watched him with his head down, crying into his hands. For my dad, who so admired and loved his father-in-law. For my mom, who felt as much love and devotion from her father as I do mine. And for Omi, who I suspect I am a lot like. I felt anger toward my uncle's ex wife and her fake ass boyfriend. I felt sympathy for my cousins for not having the opportunities to know Opa like I did. I was so grateful for my husband and for Melissa.

At the luncheon, a family friend, Herbie, took the microphone and wanted to tell a little story about some shenanigans that went down at my wedding. Omi had stayed at my parents' house with my mom during my wedding reception because my mom was just not strong enough to be there. In order to let my dad be there, Omi stayed with Mom. And since Opa was dateless, Herbie grabbed his fancy dancy camera and had Opa go around to every table and each woman took a picture, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Herbie said that he later found out that Opa said it'd been one of the happiest days of his life. lol

"Opa at my wedding"

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Three Weeks

Wow...I can't believe it's been three weeks, already. It's incredible to me how quickly the time has gone by.


I guess I can say that things have gotten a bit easier. Or maybe it's just easier to push those sad thoughts to another corner of my brain while I try to get other things done. Because honestly, as soon as I think about Opa not being there, tears fill my eyes and I've got to swallow a lump the size of my ass, just to keep from breaking into sobs.


Omi called on Friday and told me that she's going to have the Memorial Service on the 25th. She asked me if I would speak at the services. I told her that I would, and through her tears, she asked me to tell some funny stories from when I was a kid. I was thinking about sharing one of our old knock knock jokes and maybe some of the tidbits that I shared in my blog the morning Daddy told me he'd passed.


I don't know if I've fully come to terms with him being gone. Since we haven't had any services, it just doesn't feel real to me. The time that I've spent at Mom & Dad's house just felt like he was at his own house, while Omi, Mom & I played dice and painted Mom's fingernails. No one talked about it. No one cried. We just went about life as if nothing had changed.

I'm really nervous about speaking at the memorial. I know that it will be good for me and for others to hear happy stories about him. But it just makes me sad that he's not there to remember those stories with us. I miss him so much...It's not like I saw him all the time. Three weeks is actually a pretty short amount of time to have gone by between visits. But the knowing that he won't be there the next time...I never truly understood what it meant to lose someone. To feel that sadness. I feel like words can't even express how much it hurts...To say I'm sad about the loss...It's so understated. I'm sad that the stupid Cubs can't pull their shit together to win a series. I'm sad that I have to spend most of my paycheck every week on bills. To say I'm sad about losing Opa? It just doesn't measure up.

I have so much shit going on in my life right now. Besides dealing with this, things at work are really up in the air. The week that Opa passed, we had people from the company that is buying from Bossman Bob in the office. They talked about employment contracts and benefits and the future of the company. They've decided to sign the 18 month employment contract for the 5 core team members. I am not a part of this core team. I also get NO sort of employment guarantee or anything. They're saying that we'll all keep our jobs, but they're unwilling to extend some kind of offer (not even an increased severance package) to the remaining three of us. They keep talking about how they want to grow the business and improve the software. How everything's going to be hunky dorey. I feel like I'd have to be an idiot to just blindly believe that everything's going to be okay for me.

So, I've been looking online for job postings. Talking to friends about openings where they work. I need to update my resume pronto. My dad is worried that I'm going to wait around and get canned and then it'll be too late. It's a gamble, ya know? On one hand, I go out looking for jobs and get an offer for a really good job, paying about the same as what I'm getting now, but I start over. I'm bottom of the barrel again. I have to learn all new tasks, get to know a whole new group of coworkers, develop a new routine. On the other hand, I could stay with my current company, and if things go well, I could end up having an important role in the development of the company. If they're serious about building up the company, it'd be good to get in early, right? There's so much more room for opportunity, that's what the core 5 team members keep telling the other three of us. But it also could go terribly wrong and I could end up laid off, with three weeks severance and then what? Unemployment until I find something that's maybe as good as what I was doing/making. Hubby's income plus unemployment is not going to be enough to cover our bills. I can't wait for that shoe to drop. I need to be proactive. I need to go out and find the next big thing. And just hope that it provides a better, more stable future for myself.

Anyway, my bad for being a little all over the place. Hope everyone's doing well. I've been a terrible blogger/blog reader lately. Sorry, ya'll. One of these days, I'll get back into the swing of things. Until then...