Bad night...

Geez, was tonight a bad night for Hubby & me. We used to have nights like these every night. Where I couldn't wait for him to leave and then as soon as he was gone, I was hysterical. I'd go through cycles of feeling sorry for myself, to despising him, to a sense of calmness. I'd yell at him, though he wasn't there. I'd sob. I'd undoubtedly end up with a headache at the end of it all. After about an hour of that, I'd get to feeling...I'm not sure the word. Not guilty, but...just like I wanted some sort of resolution. So, I'd call him (most of the time, these fights end with him leaving for work or hanging up on me) and try to apologize and smooth everything over. Sometimes, it would work, most of the time, it wouldn't and we'd just go on being irritated with one another.

And then about six months ago, we finally had it out. In our own ways. We had another one of these nights where he ranted and raved about how unhappy he was. And he didn't hold anything back. He laid it all out on the table. And as much as I was feeling the same way, I didn't want to own up to that, but I did want to make sure that we fixed the problem. A couple days later, as I was driving to work, I told him how I was feeling and that while my feelings were related to the lack of intimacy and feeling loved, the outcome was the same, that I was very unhappy. We were stuck in this downward spiral, he was pissed because he felt like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, so he was slacking on his. And vice versa.

After these two conversations, we both started making an effort to make things better. And they have been. So much much better.

And then tonight we had one of our old arguments again. It was over something that isn't trivial in the present, but in the big picture, it's really stupid. One of the lessons that my dad taught me early on in life is to pick and choose your battles. I'm really laid back and I pretty much let things roll off my back. It takes a lot to really get me to a point where I'm ready to put up my dukes (figuratively...I've never once literally put em up).

But once Hubby gets going, there's no stopping him. One little thing, on top of another, on top of another...They all just snowball and he starts nit picking. You bought the wrong cleaning solution. You need to take the cat to the vet. You always give me the same two things in my lunch. I want something other than ham. There's a pile of papers on the table. The sky is blue... And after a while, I stop listening. I can only take so much before I start feeling sorry for myself and tune him out. And that's when he decides that he's going to leave because 'what's the point in staying here, talking to the wall?' I hate when he leaves like this because I can't stand to leave this feeling of uneasiness in the air.

In the past, this was where things were left until the next day, when we'd start all over again. So, you can see how the frustration just continued to build and build until we got to a point where we weren't really even speaking. We'd be in a room together all weekend and only speak when we absolutely had to.

Tonight was different though. He stormed out of here like always, and then ten minutes later, he called and ...

apologized.

Wait. I need to read that again.

In the almost ten years we've been together, there haven't been many apologies from him. Especially not for things like this. Sure, he's apologized for the really big things that he did to wrong me. And he's said he was sorry for the little things that don't matter. But something like this, where a confession that he blew something out of proportion or that he's taking out his bad mood on me, those have been very few and far between. It was nice that he did. I didn't get the message until a half hour after he'd left it, which made it better. I called him back and he reaffirmed that he was partially in the wrong. I thanked him and assured him that I heard what he was upset with me about.

I think that's how an argument is supposed to happen. At the end of it, everyone's supposed to have a mutual understanding of what the problem was and how we can fix it. And that should be the end of it. It shouldn't carry on to the next day or the next argument. I'm rambling. The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm glad that it ended the way that it did and I still love my husband and everything's going to be okay.