Jinxed! And stuff...

Stupid Girl!  I got all bragadocious about my nice, clear skin yesterday.  Not two hours later, I had TWO new pimples.  I blame it on the hormones associated with AF.  Yep.  That's it.  :-)

I am super excited about Mother's Day this weekend.  I came up with a fantastic idea for my Omi (Grandmother) & Mom.  For Mom, I'm going to take an old photo and get a nice frame for it.  That's a little bland, but I'm sure she's going to like it.  But I'm really excited about the gift for Omi.  My mom's brother has three daughters, so altogether, Omi has four granddaughters.  I was thinking of giving her some kind of jewelry with our four birthstones, but that shit isn't cheap.  So, I continued thinking about it and the perfect idea just hit me.  I sent an email to my cousins, and asked all three of them to send me a nice pic of themselves, and I'll take one of myself (I would have Hubby do it, but he is terrible at taking pics of me.  He has a knack for making me look like I'm about 200lbs more than I already am.  Or maybe I'm just a lot more adept at hiding it...Anyway...).  I'm going to get a frame with four slots and get it engraved with a quote that Melissa shared with me once upon a time "A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend."

I told my cousins I'd sign their names to the card, as well.  I just know she's going to LOVE it!  I would have liked to get together with girls and take a pic of the four of us together, but one of the girls lives in Nebraska, and hasn't been back to Illinois in a LOOOOOOOONG time.

I'm having lunch at Omi's on Sunday with my Godmother (mom's cousin Sandy) and her mom.  And then we'll all go over to my parents' house to hang out for a while.  I'm thinking about maybe getting my mom a plant, too.  We'll see how much I spend on the frame and whether or not I get it engraved, too.  Hubby is going to hang out with his mama, too.  But she's working until 3, so he's going to go hang at her house (probably sleep) until she gets off.  Chances are that I'll end up over there, too.

Anyway, I'm stoked about the weekend.  Tomorrow, I'm making a roasted chicken & veggies for dinner and working on the gifts for Mom & Omi.  And Sunday, we'll be "down south" all day. 

A vibrating WHAT?

This morning, as I'm putting my makeup on, I vaguely remember seeing a commercial last night for a vibrating mascara....

I had to Google it to make sure I didn't dream it.

And sure enough, Maybelline has created Pulse Perfection, and here's what the website has to say about this new product:

Why You'll Love It:

• It’s our first vibrating mascara. Transforms your lashes to perfection.
• Patent-pending elastomer brush vibrates 7,000 times per stroke
• Provides clump-free definition, intense color, and shine
• Waterproof; also available in washable formula
• Builds lash volume, length, and adds curl
• Buildable formula
• Ideal for All Skin Types
• Contact lens safe

Really? We can't just wiggle the wand by ourselves anymore? All I see is poking myself in the eye with this vibrating stick. No. No thanks. I'll handle it on my own, thanks...

On a completely unrelated note...I watched "More To Love" last night - thank you internet for making tv shows available to me after the fact. The premise of this Fox show, if you haven't heard about it, is like a Bachelor show - one guy, 20 women, all looking to find love - but rather than the size 2's that you see on the Bachelor, these women are "average" sized. The guy is 6'3" and 300+ lbs and the woman all have curves. Some Most even have rolls! And double chins. And guess what! They're still beautiful...some of them anyway. And the ones that I found unattractive were not so because of their size, but because of their personalities or their attitudes or they were just really not cute.

The show aired on Tuesday night, so I read a couple reviews of the show yesterday, before watching, and they were mostly negative reviews. It seemed that these other bloggers (who I'm not entirely fond of, I have to admit...Obviously, I'm all for Fat Acceptance, but to what extent...? I think some of the "Fatosphere" has blown things out of proportion - no pun intended) felt like the show was a bit contrived and that the guy was corny and that there was too much crying...So, I went into watching the show as if I wasn't going to like it.

Overall, I enjoyed the show. I found it very similar to the Bachelor - I didn't think that Luke was any more or less corny than any other guy that's been on the show (or any other guy that's hit on me, for that matter).

I did think that some of the girls were a little overly emotional in their solo interviews, but I can understand why they might be. They've spent so much of their lives feeling like they're not good enough. A number of them said they'd never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, didn't go to prom...On one hand, I feel bad for them. It sucks to be 20 something years old and never have experienced what it's like to go out on a nice date. Or to never have been in a relationship. But on the other hand, I feel like these girls are all so pretty. And I know from experience that there is a plethora of men out there that will date a fat girl. Sometimes, you just have to put yourself on the line. Be confident that whether you weigh 120, 220 or 320, you can still be a beautiful person. And if someone can't see past the extra flesh or a few stretch marks, then they aren't worth your time. Have a good cry that Mr. X doesn't like you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out and find the next object of your affection.

I'm going to be excited to watch how this show goes. And I'll be excited to see if they do a "Bachelorette" version next.

White Knot

This morning on my favorite radio show, Drex did a segment on gay marriage and civil unions. And I cried.

Who am I (or anyone else, for that matter) to say whether or not Bob and Fred should be allowed to be married. I recognize that the Church doesn't support gay marriage. And that's fine. But why shouldn't two men or two women be allowed to go to a courthouse and be married?

There's so much hate and animosity in the world. Why do we have to stifle what little love actually survives?

Every time the topic of gay marriage comes up, I'm flooded with emotions. I feel so bad for the people who aren't allowed to marry the man or woman that they love. Why does it matter to someone else? It isn't fair and it's time to change.

At one time in this country's history, people weren't allowed to marry outside their own race. Women couldn't vote. And enough people realized that these issues were unfair and unfounded. I think it's time to do the same for this issue.

In my right sidebar, there's a link to White-Knot.org. Go there. Show your support. Lets help make a change for the better. Please!

Geez...Another one...? Really?

Hmmm...This post started as one thing and has completely progressed into another.

So, I found out today that another one of my sorority sisters is pregnant. That makes three (that I know of) that are currently prego and two more that just had babies in the last year. Seriously? WTF Man?

So, to make myself feel better, I decided to try to come up with reasons why I'm glad I'm not prego:

• I can drink a whole bottle of wine tonight to drown my sorrows
• I don't have to go out and try to find maternity clothes for my already large body
• I can spend money on myself, my husband and my cats a new ac compressor, rather than diapers and formula
• I...theoretically can sleep through the night in whatever position I find comfortable
• I......can't come up with anything else.

Yeah, that list is short. And shitty. Here's my other list, which trumps the one above a million times over.

Reasons why I'm NOT glad that I'm not prego:

• I want a family.

Ugh.

Today, my friend and I went to lunch together. She's a pretty skinny minnie and a nice girl, I'd say she's one of my closest friends right now. She's taking a nutrition class, required for the nursing program that she's trying to get into. And this nutrition class is killing me. Every time she has class, the next day, she comes back telling me about how many calories she should be eating and how she's way over that number. And how her body fat % (or some shit like that) is just below where it should be. And how to lose weight, you just need to reduce your calorie intake and increase your exercise.

Girl, I've been fat my whole life. Do you think this is news to me? Do you think if it was as easy as putting down the gallon of ice cream and running around the block, don't you think I'd do that? For 25 years, I've been steadily getting fatter. Every time I try to lose weight, I do okay in the beginning and then I fall off the proverbial wagon. Despite my above statement, I don't sit in front of the tv with a bucket of ice cream for days on end. I think I eat okay - not the best, but it's not like I go to McDonalds for every meal. My biggest problem with food is portions. I make something that I like and I eat way too much of it.

And with exercise...Ew. I hate sweat. JB (my friend from work) asked me if I wanted to go outside to the nearby park for lunch today. I looked at her like she was insane and responded with a definite no. She said to me 'But it's so nice out. It's not as humid.' I replied with 'Let me remind you. I get to hang out with the 90 degree weather on my drive home every day. I sweat buckets just sitting there. I have no desire to come back to work after that.' And she tells me that sweating is good for you and that she, in fact, likes to sweat. Let me reiterate...Sweat = ew. I feel gross and smelly and once you go back inside and it dries, then I feel all grimey. Ew. No thank you. She conceded. We went to Ditka's and had Tuna Nicoise Salads. Pretty yummy, although if she hadn't been lecturing me about losing weight discussing her nutrition class with me, I would've ordered the chicken parm.

This rant about weight and food and exercise is related to the original topic. Majorly. Three reasons. 1. We don't have a lot of sex. I don't feel attractive anymore (I'm at my heaviest right now) and Hubby is far too engrossed in his game to notice when I try to initiate. 2. When we do have sex, who in Jehovah knows if I'm ovulating. My period's all wonky (related to my weight). 3. Even if we were having sex regularly or when I'm supposedly ovulating, it's terribly difficult for someone of my size to get pregnant.

So, anyway, I'm feeling a little boo hoo about it. I'm feeling angry about it. I'm feeling ... I dunno. I wish I could say inspired, but I feel the opposite. When I think about losing weight, I think about how much weight there is for me to lose and I'm discouraged. There's this GIGANTIC mountain in front of me and all I can think about is how hard it's going to be to get to the top. How absolutely impossible it looks. I think of all the sweating and how many times I'm going to fall down and the exhaustion that will go along with it. And I don't even take the first step. I'm just content to sit here at the bottom and wait for my jetpack to instantly appear on my back and take me to the top.

I don't know what I need to motivate myself. I don't know how to look at the mountain and say okay, there's a rock about 10% of the way to the top. Get to the rock. And then look for the next rock. And the next. I want to make it to the top. Hell, I'd be thrilled with myself if I could make it halfway or even 25% of the way up the mountain. I quite obviously know what needs to be done, I just can't find it in myself to do it.

I want it to be easy.

I want it all to be easy. Losing weight. Getting pregnant. Paying the bills. Getting the car fixed. Work. Life.

Grow up.

I'm rambling and the inner voices are starting to come out. Looks like it's time to put this incoherent mess to rest. Maybe the lesson here is that easy isn't always best. Sometimes, you really do have to work for what it is that you so desperately want in your life...

Lost & Found

I lost a follower today. I was hurt for a moment. Until I realized it was some random that had mysteriously appeared there a couple weeks ago. And now she's mysteriously disappeared. Such is life.

I found some new photos (well, new, as in I've taken them in the last week and decided to do something with them). They're over here. I haven't done any edits to them. Just SOOC. Good deal.

Oh, and just so I can prove how unGodly hot it was on the ride home yesterday, have a pic outta my phone...

Can you see it? The part where it says 100??? Stop yelling at me for taking photos while I'm driving 60 mph. Do you see the thermostat!!?!? This wasn't even the worst! It went up another degree! Stupid hot. Stupid humid. I'm so getting this shit taken care of tomorrow. I'm too much of a whiny brat to be driving around with no air.

Lost art of conversation

How does one forget how to hold a conversation?

Between the ages of 12 and 18, I spent literally hours on the phone after being in school all day. I'd call one friend after another. I'd sit in the front hall or in the back room office or in my bedroom and just blabber on about who knows what from the time I got home until the time we ate dinner and as soon as dinner & homework were done, I was back on the phone again until 9, when Dad hollered for me to get off the phone.

Now, 10 years later, when I try to have a conversation with people, I often find myself at a loss for things to say. I never have anything interesting to bring up and I have a difficult time coming up with responses to whatever story someone else is telling me. This problem seems to be accentuated when it comes to phone conversations. I always feel like a lame ass when I'm talking with someone and then there's this long pause.

I just don't know what to talk about. My life is completely uninteresting. Every day, it's the same damn thing, for the most part. I wake up, shower, and go to work. Once I'm at the office, I spend maybe 80% of the time working. The other 20% is spent doing my makeup before everyone else gets there or catching up on the blogs that I'm following while I eat my lunch or getting sucked into Facebook quizzes for that last hour of the day. Okay...Maybe it's more like 75/25. As soon as I hit that magic 8-hour mark, I pack up all my shit and drive home. Some days I hit the bank or the grocery store on the way home...ooooh...Exciting. When I get home, I make dinner, sometimes I do a little cleaning, I sit in front of my computer and then between 10 & 10:30, I go to bed. I turn on the Food Network and set the timer to turn off the tv in an hour. I drift off to sleep listening to Alton Brown or Mark Summers go on about one thing or another. And then five hours later, I start all over again.

What in the hell do I have to converse about? How the grass in my front yard is a total failure? (It is, btw. Hubby fertilized and seeded and I dunno what pattern he was going in, but it looks ridiculous. And it's so effing LONG! The man needs to get his shit together and mow the damn thing! I would totally take it over because I'm pretty sure I could do better, but then I would seriously be responsible for everything in this house. And fuck that. You can be in charge of one little postage-sized yard, ya doofus! /rant) But really, who the hell cares about that??? I guess that's really my problem because obviously when I have something to talk about, I can beat that horse til there's nothing left. But when I have nothing to say and no response to the other side of a conversation, I say nothing. I totally force the other person to carry the conversation. Which, is so completely backward from how I used to be. I think when I was younger, I had the opposite problem - I monopolized conversations.

How do I fix this problem? Other than going out and buying a life? Because I really don't think that I can do that. How do I try to hold up my end of the conversation? What do I talk about, when my life is as dull as it is?? Someone! Anyone! Help me out here!

PS. I'm having a better day today, if you couldn't tell. I'm trying not to wallow in the uncertainty of the whole Opa situation. He's beat cancer before, granted he's older now, but my negativity isn't going to help. I have to stay positive. I have to be hopeful that it's going to be okay, no matter what the outcome. So, I've only teared up a couple times today. Quite the improvement from yesterday.

Two things before I hit the sack...

#1. I stole this from Terri @ 488 Miles Away, and just had to share!!! This is too cool!!! Go see it!

#2. Why the hell are there certain blogs that I can't get to anymore!?!?!??? It starts to open and then throws up an error and dies. For example, I can't get to Stacie's Madness right now and I REALLY want to comment on her latest post about the tv shows she watches because, uh...I <3 TV!!! WTF Blogspot? WTF???

What a crazy dream...

I woke up at 3:30 this morning after having a horrible dream. It wasn't really scary...I didn't wake up feeling panicked, but it was just crazy. And I didn't take any NyQuil last night, so I have no idea where this came from...

I was at my parents' house, out in the backyard, and I think I was having a picnic with someone...Not sure who, or why, but that's what we were doing. And there was a construction crew or maybe someone from a utility company or something...I can't remember the exact details, but there was a very tall pole of some sort precariously propped up against a very tall tree. And there was a worker up in the air, tethered to some kind of wire. Another worker caused the pole to fall, it caught on the wire that worker #1 was dangling from and snapped the wire. Worker #1 fell, through the roof of the sunroom, attached to the back of my parents' house, and died when he crashed to the ground.

I didn't actually LOOK at the guy, I just knew he was dead. I went inside the house (whoever I was picnicking with disappeared) and was all 'hey, uh...there's a dead guy in the sunroom.' Which, apparently everyone knew about. I know my grandparents were both there, as was Mom's CNA, Rose. Everyone was very calm about the whole thing, and the dead guy just continued to lay out there. None of the other workers were doing anything about him. And my family just kinda was milling around the kitchen. I remember thinking that I liked Rose's new glasses, but that it really wasn't a proper time to tell her that.

And then, I saw the guy move. Like he was having a seizure or an electric shock. I said something like, 'Hey! He's not dead! I just saw him move,' and Rose told me that no, he was dead, and it was just something that happened when people died in a traumatic way.

And then I woke up, saying to myself WTF was that??? I wonder what a dream interpretation would say about that...I wish we'd done that topic for science fair. We might not have gotten as far as we did with allelopathy, but it would have been far more interesting, and way less smelly. lol