I'm terrified...and exhausted

Uh, warning...This has weepy written all over it...

I feel like the majority of my life has been spent preparing myself for my mother's passing. Watching her for the last 20+ years and the steady decline kinda does that to a person. Soon after my mom was diagnosed with MS, her parents moved from the north burbs back down to the south burbs to be close to us and to do whatever they could to help out. For most of the life that I remember, Omi & Opa (grandma & grandpa in German) were less than a ten minute drive away, if not closer. They've been an enormous part of my life. They filled in the gaps where my parents couldn't. And I value the relationship that I have with them more than words can express.

My dad sent me a text on Saturday afternoon to tell me that Opa went into the hospital on Thursday. At first, I was more pissed at my dad than anything else. Why would he wait three days to tell me this? But that passed and I was more worried than anything else. Opa's been having some pain in his side/back for maybe a month or so, and the doctors decided that they wanted to run some tests. He can't take pain medications of any kind because they make him violently ill. So, his options are to be in pain or to be bent over the toilet. The docs felt that they could do these tests more easily and make him more comfortable if he were in the hospital, rather than at home. They admitted him on Thursday and apparently were running tests all weekend. He came home from the hospital yesterday with bad news. He has bone cancer.

We don't really have much more details than that. He's supposed to start radiation soon and that's about all I know. My grandmother is a very emotional person (geez, i wonder where I get it from...) and it's very difficult to get any information from her when she's upset. She gives this small snippet of info (bone cancer, radiation) and then breaks down, refusing to talk about it anymore.

My dad didn't call me to tell me this information last night. No, instead, he texts it to me while I'm at work today, but only because I texted and asked how Opa was doing first. I'm pissed at my dad, but that has to be put aside. So much more than that, I'm scared. Not having any info is horrible. I don't know if they've caught it early. I don't know what kind of bone cancer it is, though after doing some google research, I'm pretty sure I could guess. He's had cancer before, maybe 15 years ago, of the prostate. But I was young. I didn't know what it all meant and frankly, everyone tried to keep kept me in the dark. I knew that it was going on, but that was the extent of it. I'm sure my parents and g'parents were trying to protect me. Now, being some sort of an adult, they have to let me in. And now I know the severity of cancer. And what it means. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if knowing would make it any better. I mean, what if it's really bad? What if the reason that they're not doing surgery is not just that he's 87, but that it's not just in the bones, but is spreading? Then what? How would that be better?

All day, when I wasn't focusing on something else, or even when I was trying to focus on something else, all I think about is him. I keep pulling out all these memories of him from the back of my brain. Things that I had all but forgotten about. And it just makes me sad. In all that time preparing myself for my mom to go, I never thought about the natural progression of life. I never thought of Omi or Opa going first.

When I told Hubby that Opa was in the hospital, he didn't say much. I told him how I was sad about it and how I hadn't really considered it. And he pointed out the fact that Opa's had a good, long life. And he's right. Eighty seven years is a long time. He's been married to Omi for close to 60 years. They have a daughter & son and four granddaughters. He's had a great, successful life. But that doesn't make it any easier for the people that love him. That doesn't make me any less sad for myself. Hubby told me 'Wouldn't you rather see him go before he's beyond himself? Do you want him to be in pain?' Well, no. I definitely don't want to see him in pain. And I don't want him to be unhappy in any way. But again, that doesn't make me feel better. How terribly selfish that sounds.

Maybe Hubby has some insight that I don't. He's been through this before. Both of his grandparents and his dad passed away before we even started dating. They were all pretty young, and all died from various cancers. My other grandfather, on my dad's side, passed away 7 years ago. And I was sad when that happened. But for different reasons. I don't feel like I ever knew him. I was sad that we didn't have a closer relationship. I was sad for my dad and couldn't imagine how he felt. Aside from him, the closest losses I've had were a girl that we went to school with in junior high, a friend of the family in high school and Mel's Gram last summer.

Hell, I don't even know that he's dying. But bone cancer just sounds so...heavy. Anyway, please say a prayer, if you do that kind of thing. My tears have temporarily dried up, so I'm going to head outside to make dinner. I'm sorry if I've been Debbie Downer here tonight, but I needed to get it all out...