Ten Days...

It's been ten days since my best friend lost her 10 week old son...


I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.

Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.

Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong. 

The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial.  Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves.  I could not possibly tell her no.  I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask.  This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me.  She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli.  She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go.  Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service.  Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli.  There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm.  But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head.  I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....' 

After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby.  And again, I didn't shed a tear.  All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me.  I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters.  When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time.  I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them.  And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her. 

And the support from these girls still continues.  After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch.  We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son.  I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received.  Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June.  Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed. 

A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her.  These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed.  They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly.  We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.

I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening.  We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon.  Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him.  It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.

I love ya, Little Man.  Love, Auntie Jen