He hears me...

But I don't know if he understands me.

Each weekend seems to be a different "discussion." Last weekend, it was the baby discussion. I really tried to stress to him how important this is to me. That the whole baby making process is not going to be easy for us. We're both overweight and quickly heading to our 30's. Now is the time.

Hubby talks a lot about "CJ." CJ is what we will name our first son. Hubby talks about him on a regular, probably daily, basis. Things that we will and won't do with/for/to him. But there's this huge issue...In order for CJ to come to fruition, we have to have sex. And recently, Hubby has decided that sex is too much like "work" to be bothered. He basically said he can get the same end result in 5 minutes time, without having to get all sweaty and tired. Dude, really? Way to make your wife feel good about herself. I tried to talk about the whole thing with him. He says he agrees, now is the time. But I don't see him making any efforts to change things.

So, this weekend, the "discussion" was about spending time together. I feel like I have a roommate, not a husband. He sits upstairs, playing video games and doing whatever he's doing all weekend. I go downstairs and watch tv and cook and clean and go out for this reason or that reason. When he's hungry, he comes down to the kitchen, finds some food and takes it all back up to the office with him. Now that he's working 2nd shift, he stays up later than I do and sleeps later than I do.

Yesterday, I told him that I would like for us to spend some quality time together. I tried explaining to him that just because we're in the house together at the same time, that doesn't make it time spent together. I tried to tell him that sleeping next to one another doesn't count. I told him that I don't like feeling like we just exist in the same place. I told him I'm not happy about it. That I feel like at the very least, he should be able to pull himself away from the game and eat a meal with me. I cook the dinner and he comes and gets a plate and then takes it back upstairs. I'm left to clean everything up and eat alone. It just sucks. I feel like it shouldn't be this way. His response is that this is how his parents were. He tries to tell me that my parents & grandparents didn't have "quality" time together, either. That they all did their own thing. Yes, you do your own things, but then at some point, you get together and enjoy one another's company. I mean, otherwise, what the hell is the point? He doesn't see a problem with it. He thinks that this is perfectly normal and okay and I'm supposed to "outgrow" this need for anything more than cohabitation.

He thinks the problem is that I need him to give more attention. And he's right. But he doesn't give it to me in the way that I want and need. He thinks wrestling with me for ten minutes before going to sleep counts as paying attention to me. He thinks waking me up when he gets home (an hour or two after I've already gone to sleep) and talking at me about his day for a half hour is enough.

He wasn't always this way...We used to do things. We used to go places together. See a movie, go out for dinner, go camping, drive around, watch tv, play games. Now, it's like we have nothing in common anymore. I try to suggest things that we could do together, and he shoots each one of them down.

I just keep asking myself, What are we doing? What are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?