Yesterday, I explained the catalyst to my new life. Today, the first BIG change that I knew had to be made, but was terrified of making for many many years.
I thought I told this story once upon a time in the old blog, but I can't find it, so I'll give the short version here and now....I met my husband when I was 16. We met through a mutual friend at a high school football game. At the time, I was dating someone else, so I was content to be friends with him, but he wanted more. I gave him my phone number and he called me all the time. So much so that I began referring to him as a stalker and would ask my dad and grandma to tell him that I wasn't home when he would call the house.
Two years later, I've just graduated from high school, working my summer job and preparing to go off to college. One day, I'm driving home from work and happen to pass by him at an intersection. He called me that afternoon and being that I was relatively recently single, I decided to give him a chance. He had always been persistent and two years of time apart had really changed much. He wanted to be with me every moment that he could. And I liked the attention, so I went with it. And before I knew it, we were official. I was spending all my free time at his house and hanging out with him.
Yeah, I liked the attention. I now know that that alone is not a reason to stay with a guy. Maybe date him for a while, but don't make him the one and only. Because eventually, he'll get bored. And so will you. I was willing to overlook the fact that I didn't really think he was the hottest guy on the planet because he seemed to be way into me. We got along. We had fun together. The sex wasn't great, but again, it was fun. But that being said, if someone better came along, I would've dropped him like a hot potato. But the BBD never showed up.
So I stuck with him. Even as I began to see that the fun we had wasn't really fun anymore. And the not great sex got worse. And as we grew apart and the relationship should have just ended, he held on tighter, pulling me away from my friends and family. And I held on tighter because I felt like I didn't have any close friends that I could go to. And obviously, since the BBD wasn't coming along, I worried that if I didn't stay with him, I'd be alone. And being alone was not an option for me. So I stuck around, despite the fact that I wasn't really happy. I kept putting weeks and months and years into this relationship and the idea of going back just didn't seem plausible.
In 2006, 6 years after we began dating, I had begun to feel like I had a split personality - one person when I was with him and someone totally different when I was away at school with my friends. The girl that I was at school was outgoing and bubbly and fun. I liked to pack my free time with activities and spend as much time as possible with the people that were important to me. But when I was back at home with him, I was quiet, withdrawn, depressed. And with a pending college graduation, I freaked out. Knowing that I wasn't going to be living with the girls anymore and that he was the life I had in front of me - I was terrified of becoming the withdrawn, depressed girl full time. The day that I moved out of my college dorm, I called him and broke up with him over the phone. I told him that we were very different people and that I didn't want to be that girl anymore.
We spent two weeks broken up. And he swore up and down that he would change. That he loved me and that he could be the man that I needed him to be. That he couldn't imagine his life without me. I went on a couple dates and wound up feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do any better than him, so I might as well just stick with a man that I knew loved me, even if he wasn't everything that I wanted. I could settle and be semi happy. Right?
I went back to him in early May and we got married in late October. No one told me 'Hey! Stupid Girl! Bad, bad idea!' Friends and family asked me if I was sure, but they didn't tell me I was being dumb. They didn't try to talk sense into me. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for making this bad decision. I knew as I walked down the aisle that I was making the wrong choice. But at that point, it was too late. I had my expensive fairy tale wedding going on. I was the first of my friends to get married and I was loving all the attention. He was doing his best to do whatever he thought I needed to keep me happy.
We spent the next five years coexisting. I tried to make a good life together. I'm not saying that I wasn't without fault, but if he had tried harder, I would've been more apt to try and make things work. We had happy times and tough times. We went on vacations. We got another cat. He lost his job. We started playing video games together. I found him a new job. He got a new car. We bought a house. He lost his job. And stopped giving a shit about ANYTHING. And then I got fed up.
The weightloss definitely played into my confidence. I was no longer afraid of being alone. What I was more afraid of was spending the rest of my life with a man that not only did I not love, but I didn't even like him. Not a little bit. I had given up on the desire to spend time with him. I stopped caring about what he thought about what I was doing or where I was going or when I was going to be home. I started putting myself first. And that's all that mattered to me. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was wasting my time. I want kids. Badly. And that wasn't going to happen if I stayed with him. Even if I got to the point where I was healthy enough to get pregnant and have a baby, he wasn't motivated to make it happen.
So I came to him in early September 2011 and told him that I was unhappy and that I didn't know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That I was tired of being the only one that gave a shit about our relationship. That it wasn't fair that he had stopped trying to participate in our life. At that point, when he saw that I was getting ready to walk out the door (both literally and figuratively), he swore up and down that he would change. That he loved me and that together, we could make our marriage work. Is this sounding familiar yet?
By the time I told him that I wanted out, there was no going back. Every time we talked for the next couple of weeks, he was asking me why and how could he fix it and telling me that he didn't understand why I wasn't willing to try to fight for our marriage. And all I could tell him was that I'd spent the last 5+ years fighting for it and I didn't have any more fight left in me. That I was hurt and angry and tired and my made was made up. I deserved to put myself first for once in my life. And while I didn't want to hurt him, I couldn't help that.
After a few weeks of the same conversation over and over, he finally started to accept that he wasn't going to change my mind. He began packing up his things and moving back home with his mom. By the middle of October, he was officially moved out and I was, for the first time in my life, living on my own. I felt this freedom that I'd never before experienced. I was excited to not have to report back to anyone about where I was going or what I was doing or when I'd be back home or if I'd be back home. With the exception of my cats and my fish, I didn't have anyone to have to take care of other than myself. When I got home from work at night, the house was exactly as I'd left it. Which was clean and organized because along with the divorce comes selling the house.
It's now almost February and the divorce still isn't finalized. But we're making headway. The first set of documents are finally signed (after some setbacks and a little bit of procrastination and feet dragging) and my lawyer is in the process of getting us a court date. My hope is that I will be a single woman within the next month. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!
As far as the house goes, it's been on the market since October. We had an offer and were under contract as of January 8th. And then about a week later, I got a call from my realtor that the buyers' loan fell through and that we were going to have to start the process all over again. It's a little frustrating, but it's life. We're doing a shortsale on the house and it's been assessed at a value that is so much lower than what we paid for it, it makes me want to vomit. But at this point, I don't really even care anymore. I just want it off my hands. I want to be done with it. Aside from the divorce, the house is the only thing that is still keeping me tied to my ex. We've divided all of our debts and most of our possessions.
He's been surprisingly laid back about the whole thing. Once he realized that he wasn't going to get me to change my mind, he was very accepting and logical. We were able to talk about how we'd split everything fairly. We discussed the future and how we would interact together. He has a desire to be friends. Like seriously friends. Like let's go see a movie. Like after we make our divorce official at the courthouse, let's go to lunch. I don't think I'm ready for all of that, but I appreciate his cooperation and so perhaps I let him get away with more than my lawyer or other important people in my life would like me to.
Maybe the hardest, most difficult part of separating from him - losing his family. They were always very nice to me. Especially his mom. I always felt very lucky to have a mother in law that I got along with. A woman that I could talk on the phone with and confide in and ask for advice and spend time with. I was truly blessed to have that relationship. I've only seen and talked to her once since I told him that I wanted a divorce. I told him one time when we talked on the phone that I missed her. That a part of me wanted to explain the situation to her from my point of view. But I knew that wasn't right. She's his support system. It's not fair of me to feel like I need to get the story straight with her. She is his mom. And she's going to be there for him, not for me. Although, I know that if I ever really needed her, she'd be there for me.
So, for tomorrow's episode of Nada to Drama, I'll be talking about the BBD...He did finally show up. :-)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A New Beginning
My last post on my old blog was just over 6 months ago. So very many things in my life have changed since then....I decided that it was time for a new start. A fresh beginning. A whole new blog.
I've imported the old posts and comments from my old blog. Feel free to read thru them to see the girl that I used to be. From this point on, I'm a new woman. I'm moving on with life. I'm the new hotness.
My life has been incredibly tumultuous over the last few months. In April 2011, I decided that I was tired of being morbidly obese. I was slowly killing myself. My body was breaking down. I was a diabetic on three oral medications to try to control my sugar. I was put on insulin to try and do the same thing. I took another oral medication to control the acid reflux that I'd developed from eating CRAP for years and years. I was at a maximum weight of 373lbs on a 5'5" frame. I was mentally beaten down. I was physically exhausted. I was emotionally absent. I was miserable with life.
My solution to the weight problem was not a fad diet or paying money to weight watchers, initially, it was the idea that I would get weight loss surgery. I would allow a doctor to remove a large section of my stomach because I felt like I was unable to control myself. I told myself that I'd put on all the weight and gotten so out of control because being fat is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. Except that with food, you can't just cut it out of your life. You have to eat to live. So, to me, WLS was the way to go. I talked to my doctor and she agreed that this was a good idea. She referred me to a surgeon and I talked with my insurance. The company that I'm with requires that you do a six month doctor supervised weight loss program (ie DIET) before they will approve you for surgery. So, since I was going to have to wait the six months, I decided that I was going to really put my all into it.
I came across a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and was instantly into it. It's a food and exercise logging tool, but maybe just as important, it's a social networking site. Which kept me coming back for more. In the beginning, I was losing about 20lbs a month. I got into exercising. I made some true friends all over the globe. And the weight started falling off.
Fast forward to six months later, to October. I was down about 110lbs and had decided that I no longer needed to the weight loss surgery. I was still in the obese category, but had proved to myself that I *can* do this on my own. That the right way to do it was not to have surgery, but to put in the hard work and earn it. I don't have an addiction. I have a laziness issue. I have a 'I like to eat' issue. I have a boredom eating issue. I now realize that and have changed my eating habits.
At the end of December, down 130lbs, I went back to the first doctor who'd agreed that WLS was the way to go and she was floored by how much I'd lost. Obviously, I wouldn't be having the surgery. And not only that, I was taken off of ALL medications. I no longer am dependent upon pills to keep my sugar in line. I have learned to keep everything in line by diet alone. And I couldn't be more proud.
I would like to lose another 30 lbs or so and then reevaluate whether or not I want to lose more. I do know that eventually, I will need to have surgery to remove the loose, hanging skin that 20 years of being so heavy has done to me. But that's a ways off. I'm so incredibly happy with my progress. Something that I thought was impossible is within reach and I've done it all on my own.
I have much more to talk about, this is just a tip of the iceberg. But rather than making one enormous post, I'm going to break it up into major events. Come back tomorrow for the next installment in the saga that has become my life.
I've imported the old posts and comments from my old blog. Feel free to read thru them to see the girl that I used to be. From this point on, I'm a new woman. I'm moving on with life. I'm the new hotness.
My life has been incredibly tumultuous over the last few months. In April 2011, I decided that I was tired of being morbidly obese. I was slowly killing myself. My body was breaking down. I was a diabetic on three oral medications to try to control my sugar. I was put on insulin to try and do the same thing. I took another oral medication to control the acid reflux that I'd developed from eating CRAP for years and years. I was at a maximum weight of 373lbs on a 5'5" frame. I was mentally beaten down. I was physically exhausted. I was emotionally absent. I was miserable with life.
My solution to the weight problem was not a fad diet or paying money to weight watchers, initially, it was the idea that I would get weight loss surgery. I would allow a doctor to remove a large section of my stomach because I felt like I was unable to control myself. I told myself that I'd put on all the weight and gotten so out of control because being fat is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. Except that with food, you can't just cut it out of your life. You have to eat to live. So, to me, WLS was the way to go. I talked to my doctor and she agreed that this was a good idea. She referred me to a surgeon and I talked with my insurance. The company that I'm with requires that you do a six month doctor supervised weight loss program (ie DIET) before they will approve you for surgery. So, since I was going to have to wait the six months, I decided that I was going to really put my all into it.
I came across a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and was instantly into it. It's a food and exercise logging tool, but maybe just as important, it's a social networking site. Which kept me coming back for more. In the beginning, I was losing about 20lbs a month. I got into exercising. I made some true friends all over the globe. And the weight started falling off.
Fast forward to six months later, to October. I was down about 110lbs and had decided that I no longer needed to the weight loss surgery. I was still in the obese category, but had proved to myself that I *can* do this on my own. That the right way to do it was not to have surgery, but to put in the hard work and earn it. I don't have an addiction. I have a laziness issue. I have a 'I like to eat' issue. I have a boredom eating issue. I now realize that and have changed my eating habits.
At the end of December, down 130lbs, I went back to the first doctor who'd agreed that WLS was the way to go and she was floored by how much I'd lost. Obviously, I wouldn't be having the surgery. And not only that, I was taken off of ALL medications. I no longer am dependent upon pills to keep my sugar in line. I have learned to keep everything in line by diet alone. And I couldn't be more proud.
I would like to lose another 30 lbs or so and then reevaluate whether or not I want to lose more. I do know that eventually, I will need to have surgery to remove the loose, hanging skin that 20 years of being so heavy has done to me. But that's a ways off. I'm so incredibly happy with my progress. Something that I thought was impossible is within reach and I've done it all on my own.
I have much more to talk about, this is just a tip of the iceberg. But rather than making one enormous post, I'm going to break it up into major events. Come back tomorrow for the next installment in the saga that has become my life.
Monday, July 18, 2011
8 weeks, 26.2 lbs lost, 50 lbs lost total
Hey all! I've been a little absent lately....Just wanted to check in and say hello. Weight loss is still going strong. I'm down 50lbs altogether. Pretty proud of that! I took a new set of progress pics that I thought I'd share. Hope everyone is doing well!!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
4 weeks and 15lbs
Hey All!
Just wanted to share some pics. These don't show me from the beginning of this journey, but they show the last four weeks, in which time I lost about 15lbs. In total, I'm almost at 40lbs. I am really proud of myself. I feel like I've made significant changes in my life and I feel so good for having done so. Anyway, here's the pics. I can see the difference - can you??
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Just wanted to share some pics. These don't show me from the beginning of this journey, but they show the last four weeks, in which time I lost about 15lbs. In total, I'm almost at 40lbs. I am really proud of myself. I feel like I've made significant changes in my life and I feel so good for having done so. Anyway, here's the pics. I can see the difference - can you??
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Two Months & 30 pounds
Yesterday, I hit a weightloss of 30 pounds. Yay!
I've been going at it for just over 8 weeks and I really am feeling good about myself. I'm noticing that I'm not so completely winded after going up a flight or two of stairs. I have the energy to walk across the parking lot, instead of driving around looking for the closest one (although, I have to admit, I will take a front spot if it's there on my first pass).
My success is largely contributed to www.myfitnesspal.com. I've been using it to track my calories & carbs and the exercise I've been doing (Yes, you read that right...More about working out later). I'm really proud of myself for committing to the changes that I decided to make.
For the most part, it's been pretty easy. I don't ever feel like I'm starving myself. I'm not forcing myself to eat foods that taste like tree bark and dog food. There are a few things that I used to eat pretty religiously that I haven't had in two months. Things like chips and apple juice. But also carbs - they are my absolute favorite thing to eat - pasta, potatoes, bread - but they're bad news, for the most part. So, I've started eating whole grain breads, which aren't bad. Baked sweet potatoes and mashed cauliflower have been pretty good substitutes for the higher white potato versions. And pasta...Well, that's the biggest kicker. I think if I had to choose one food to live on for the rest of eternity, I would choose noodles in some form - probably Omi's spaetzle. So when I chose to go low carb for diabetes reasons, I knew this was going to be the worst part for me. I tried whole wheat pasta and that's okay, but still not quite the same. And then I learned about a product called Dreamfield's Low Carb Pasta. And I heard the angels sing. :-) The stuff tastes, looks, behaves like regular old pasta. But it's much better for you, if you're a diabetic. Higher fiber and a lower glycemic index.
So, more about that sweating business...I hate it. I absolutely hate every minute of it. My favorite part is when the trainer on the video tells me I'm all done. But then I feel good about it. I know the sweat that's dripping off of me is bringing me closer to my goals. I purchased two videos - The Biggest Loser vol. 1 & Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Bob Harper is the trainer on the first one and I like him so much better than Jillian. I alternate workouts - 1 day of cardio with Bob, 1 day of strength with Bob, 1 day of Jillian and then a day of rest. In an average week, I'm working out 30 minutes/day, 6 days/week. And despite hating it for those 30 minutes, when it's all done, I am SO glad that I did. I feel proud that I'm doing something positive for myself.
And some non-scale-victories that I've had:
1. My jeans are all fitting much looser. I'm pretty sure most of the 30lbs that I've lost has come from my ass and hips. I think I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit this week.
2. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference and have told me that they can see my face looks thinner. Looks the same to me, but I stare at the damn thing for much longer than they do. :-)
3. My health is improving. Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a followup to starting on the insulin. The nurse who weighed me and the doctor were floored that I'd lost so much weight in such a short period of time. But more importantly, two of the oral medications that I'm on (that were maxxed out) have been cut in half. My blood sugar is in the normal range. AND! My blood pressure (which is usually high when I go to the doctor) was normal for my last two appointments.
4. Finally, I FEEL better. I always kind of thought it was bullshit when people would say 'I feel so much better now that I've lost weight. I have more energy. I feel more positive.' I thought it was all in their heads. And maybe it is. But it's in MY head now, too. :-)
My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month. I think that's a pretty achievable goal. I joined a challenge group on MFP that helps everyone doing it to keep motivated and held accountable. It's a 12 week challenge and you set mini goals along the way. At the end of the challenge (September 1st), I hope to be down 30 more pounds!
And hey, if you're jumping on the weightloss bandwagon, check out My Fitness Pal. Look me up (username: jagrib0112)! I'll be your friend! :-)
I've been going at it for just over 8 weeks and I really am feeling good about myself. I'm noticing that I'm not so completely winded after going up a flight or two of stairs. I have the energy to walk across the parking lot, instead of driving around looking for the closest one (although, I have to admit, I will take a front spot if it's there on my first pass).
My success is largely contributed to www.myfitnesspal.com. I've been using it to track my calories & carbs and the exercise I've been doing (Yes, you read that right...More about working out later). I'm really proud of myself for committing to the changes that I decided to make.
For the most part, it's been pretty easy. I don't ever feel like I'm starving myself. I'm not forcing myself to eat foods that taste like tree bark and dog food. There are a few things that I used to eat pretty religiously that I haven't had in two months. Things like chips and apple juice. But also carbs - they are my absolute favorite thing to eat - pasta, potatoes, bread - but they're bad news, for the most part. So, I've started eating whole grain breads, which aren't bad. Baked sweet potatoes and mashed cauliflower have been pretty good substitutes for the higher white potato versions. And pasta...Well, that's the biggest kicker. I think if I had to choose one food to live on for the rest of eternity, I would choose noodles in some form - probably Omi's spaetzle. So when I chose to go low carb for diabetes reasons, I knew this was going to be the worst part for me. I tried whole wheat pasta and that's okay, but still not quite the same. And then I learned about a product called Dreamfield's Low Carb Pasta. And I heard the angels sing. :-) The stuff tastes, looks, behaves like regular old pasta. But it's much better for you, if you're a diabetic. Higher fiber and a lower glycemic index.
So, more about that sweating business...I hate it. I absolutely hate every minute of it. My favorite part is when the trainer on the video tells me I'm all done. But then I feel good about it. I know the sweat that's dripping off of me is bringing me closer to my goals. I purchased two videos - The Biggest Loser vol. 1 & Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Bob Harper is the trainer on the first one and I like him so much better than Jillian. I alternate workouts - 1 day of cardio with Bob, 1 day of strength with Bob, 1 day of Jillian and then a day of rest. In an average week, I'm working out 30 minutes/day, 6 days/week. And despite hating it for those 30 minutes, when it's all done, I am SO glad that I did. I feel proud that I'm doing something positive for myself.
And some non-scale-victories that I've had:
1. My jeans are all fitting much looser. I'm pretty sure most of the 30lbs that I've lost has come from my ass and hips. I think I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit this week.
2. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference and have told me that they can see my face looks thinner. Looks the same to me, but I stare at the damn thing for much longer than they do. :-)
3. My health is improving. Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a followup to starting on the insulin. The nurse who weighed me and the doctor were floored that I'd lost so much weight in such a short period of time. But more importantly, two of the oral medications that I'm on (that were maxxed out) have been cut in half. My blood sugar is in the normal range. AND! My blood pressure (which is usually high when I go to the doctor) was normal for my last two appointments.
4. Finally, I FEEL better. I always kind of thought it was bullshit when people would say 'I feel so much better now that I've lost weight. I have more energy. I feel more positive.' I thought it was all in their heads. And maybe it is. But it's in MY head now, too. :-)
My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month. I think that's a pretty achievable goal. I joined a challenge group on MFP that helps everyone doing it to keep motivated and held accountable. It's a 12 week challenge and you set mini goals along the way. At the end of the challenge (September 1st), I hope to be down 30 more pounds!
And hey, if you're jumping on the weightloss bandwagon, check out My Fitness Pal. Look me up (username: jagrib0112)! I'll be your friend! :-)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Ten Days...
It's been ten days since my best friend lost her 10 week old son...
I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.
Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.
Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong.
The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial. Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves. I could not possibly tell her no. I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask. This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me. She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli. She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go. Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service. Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli. There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm. But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head. I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....'
After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby. And again, I didn't shed a tear. All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me. I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters. When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time. I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them. And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her.
And the support from these girls still continues. After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch. We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son. I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received. Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June. Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed.
A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her. These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed. They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly. We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.
I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening. We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon. Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him. It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.
I love ya, Little Man. Love, Auntie Jen
I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.
Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.
Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong.
The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial. Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves. I could not possibly tell her no. I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask. This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me. She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli. She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go. Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service. Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli. There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm. But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head. I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....'
After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby. And again, I didn't shed a tear. All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me. I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters. When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time. I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them. And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her.
And the support from these girls still continues. After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch. We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son. I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received. Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June. Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed.
A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her. These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed. They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly. We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.
I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening. We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon. Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him. It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.
I love ya, Little Man. Love, Auntie Jen
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I'm praying for a miracle
My best friend & her 2 month old son need your help. I can't do this alone.
Yesterday, Eli (the baby) was hurt. His father was feeding him and the baby fell from his arms. He hit his head and lost consciousness and subsequently stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance had arrived, there was a significant loss of oxygen to the brain. They performed emergency surgery yesterday to relieve the hemmoraging and swelling, but things are not looking good. Eli is in critical condition in the PICU and the doctors are not giving him much of a chance to get through this. There is zero brain activity and he's hooked up to a bunch of machines, including a ventilator. Tomorrow morning, they're planning to take him off of the vent to see if he will breathe on his own.
This poor little baby. He's so perfect and tiny and the closest I will ever come to having a nephew. And my best friend - I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that she's going through right now. I only know how helpless I feel; being the best friend and seeing how much pain she is in and not being able to do anything to help her. I don't know how to help her, other than to be there for her and continue to let her know that I love her and I'm praying with all my heart for her and her son.
I can't begin to know what you all believe or what you can do, but any positivity you can offer is most appreciated. Prayers, positive vibes, good karma - she & Eli need it badly. I'm being as strong as I possibly can for her and I know she feels hopeless right now, but I just have to have faith. I'm praying for a miracle tonight.
Yesterday, Eli (the baby) was hurt. His father was feeding him and the baby fell from his arms. He hit his head and lost consciousness and subsequently stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance had arrived, there was a significant loss of oxygen to the brain. They performed emergency surgery yesterday to relieve the hemmoraging and swelling, but things are not looking good. Eli is in critical condition in the PICU and the doctors are not giving him much of a chance to get through this. There is zero brain activity and he's hooked up to a bunch of machines, including a ventilator. Tomorrow morning, they're planning to take him off of the vent to see if he will breathe on his own.
This poor little baby. He's so perfect and tiny and the closest I will ever come to having a nephew. And my best friend - I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that she's going through right now. I only know how helpless I feel; being the best friend and seeing how much pain she is in and not being able to do anything to help her. I don't know how to help her, other than to be there for her and continue to let her know that I love her and I'm praying with all my heart for her and her son.
I can't begin to know what you all believe or what you can do, but any positivity you can offer is most appreciated. Prayers, positive vibes, good karma - she & Eli need it badly. I'm being as strong as I possibly can for her and I know she feels hopeless right now, but I just have to have faith. I'm praying for a miracle tonight.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Jinxed! And stuff...
Stupid Girl! I got all bragadocious about my nice, clear skin yesterday. Not two hours later, I had TWO new pimples. I blame it on the hormones associated with AF. Yep. That's it. :-)
I am super excited about Mother's Day this weekend. I came up with a fantastic idea for my Omi (Grandmother) & Mom. For Mom, I'm going to take an old photo and get a nice frame for it. That's a little bland, but I'm sure she's going to like it. But I'm really excited about the gift for Omi. My mom's brother has three daughters, so altogether, Omi has four granddaughters. I was thinking of giving her some kind of jewelry with our four birthstones, but that shit isn't cheap. So, I continued thinking about it and the perfect idea just hit me. I sent an email to my cousins, and asked all three of them to send me a nice pic of themselves, and I'll take one of myself (I would have Hubby do it, but he is terrible at taking pics of me. He has a knack for making me look like I'm about 200lbs more than I already am. Or maybe I'm just a lot more adept at hiding it...Anyway...). I'm going to get a frame with four slots and get it engraved with a quote that Melissa shared with me once upon a time "A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend."
I told my cousins I'd sign their names to the card, as well. I just know she's going to LOVE it! I would have liked to get together with girls and take a pic of the four of us together, but one of the girls lives in Nebraska, and hasn't been back to Illinois in a LOOOOOOOONG time.
I'm having lunch at Omi's on Sunday with my Godmother (mom's cousin Sandy) and her mom. And then we'll all go over to my parents' house to hang out for a while. I'm thinking about maybe getting my mom a plant, too. We'll see how much I spend on the frame and whether or not I get it engraved, too. Hubby is going to hang out with his mama, too. But she's working until 3, so he's going to go hang at her house (probably sleep) until she gets off. Chances are that I'll end up over there, too.
Anyway, I'm stoked about the weekend. Tomorrow, I'm making a roasted chicken & veggies for dinner and working on the gifts for Mom & Omi. And Sunday, we'll be "down south" all day.
I am super excited about Mother's Day this weekend. I came up with a fantastic idea for my Omi (Grandmother) & Mom. For Mom, I'm going to take an old photo and get a nice frame for it. That's a little bland, but I'm sure she's going to like it. But I'm really excited about the gift for Omi. My mom's brother has three daughters, so altogether, Omi has four granddaughters. I was thinking of giving her some kind of jewelry with our four birthstones, but that shit isn't cheap. So, I continued thinking about it and the perfect idea just hit me. I sent an email to my cousins, and asked all three of them to send me a nice pic of themselves, and I'll take one of myself (I would have Hubby do it, but he is terrible at taking pics of me. He has a knack for making me look like I'm about 200lbs more than I already am. Or maybe I'm just a lot more adept at hiding it...Anyway...). I'm going to get a frame with four slots and get it engraved with a quote that Melissa shared with me once upon a time "A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend."
I told my cousins I'd sign their names to the card, as well. I just know she's going to LOVE it! I would have liked to get together with girls and take a pic of the four of us together, but one of the girls lives in Nebraska, and hasn't been back to Illinois in a LOOOOOOOONG time.
I'm having lunch at Omi's on Sunday with my Godmother (mom's cousin Sandy) and her mom. And then we'll all go over to my parents' house to hang out for a while. I'm thinking about maybe getting my mom a plant, too. We'll see how much I spend on the frame and whether or not I get it engraved, too. Hubby is going to hang out with his mama, too. But she's working until 3, so he's going to go hang at her house (probably sleep) until she gets off. Chances are that I'll end up over there, too.
Anyway, I'm stoked about the weekend. Tomorrow, I'm making a roasted chicken & veggies for dinner and working on the gifts for Mom & Omi. And Sunday, we'll be "down south" all day.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Update on Weight Loss
Well, I'm still going strong. As of this morning, I'm down 17lbs. Yay me!
I don't know that I really notice a difference at all. I guess my jeans are fitting a little looser. Although, that could just be because I'm on day 3 with these jeans (does anyone else do that? I hope you don't think I'm nasty for wearing a pair of jeans for a few days before they get washed...I actually read someplace that you shouldn't EVER wash jeans...Just rinse them with cold water every once in a while and air dry...That's a little much for me...).
Anyway, I'm proud that I'm still sticking to it. There have been a few times where I've been tempted (like last night) to take the easy way out and just pick something up for dinner, instead of cooking, but then I think about the progress that I've made and I don't want to deal with the repercussions of having a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal instead of a Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinner as my quick, easy, lazy option. And then I'm proud when I get up the next morning and I'm a pound lighter than I was yesterday.
I'm being really honest with myself and everyone in my life about what I'm doing. It's holding me accountable. And I'm really happy to be able to report my weight loss when someone asks me how it's going. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself too much. The most difficult part (other than trying to convince myself to workout...I'm not very convincing) has been reducing my carbs. I miss pasta more than anything else. I haven't given up pasta/carbs all together, but there's been a huge reduction. I was reading about a low carb pasta made by a company called Dreamfields. You better believe that's the first item on my grocery list for today. Not that I can feast on a bowl of low carb angel hair, but at least I have less guilt having it as a small side with something else.
My mother in law has joined the site that I'm using and called me last night to talk about how it works. It's sort of like Facebook, in that you have something very similar to the fb Wall, where you can post little blurbs. When you weigh in and complete your food/exercise journals for the day, it posts to your Wall. You can "friend" people and help to encourage one another. There's also a number of forums/message boards where you can ask questions, share recipes, etc. So, if you're interested in joining, search for me by my email address and we can be buddies! The name of the site is MyFitnessPal and it's super easy to use.
Oh, and PS, since I've been on this new eating plan (it's not a diet - diets end...This is a lifestyle change!), my skin is so much prettier!!!! I don't know if it's the lack of crap going in or the increase in water consumption, but I've got so much less breakouts! Awesome side effect!
I don't know that I really notice a difference at all. I guess my jeans are fitting a little looser. Although, that could just be because I'm on day 3 with these jeans (does anyone else do that? I hope you don't think I'm nasty for wearing a pair of jeans for a few days before they get washed...I actually read someplace that you shouldn't EVER wash jeans...Just rinse them with cold water every once in a while and air dry...That's a little much for me...).
Anyway, I'm proud that I'm still sticking to it. There have been a few times where I've been tempted (like last night) to take the easy way out and just pick something up for dinner, instead of cooking, but then I think about the progress that I've made and I don't want to deal with the repercussions of having a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal instead of a Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen dinner as my quick, easy, lazy option. And then I'm proud when I get up the next morning and I'm a pound lighter than I was yesterday.
I'm being really honest with myself and everyone in my life about what I'm doing. It's holding me accountable. And I'm really happy to be able to report my weight loss when someone asks me how it's going. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself too much. The most difficult part (other than trying to convince myself to workout...I'm not very convincing) has been reducing my carbs. I miss pasta more than anything else. I haven't given up pasta/carbs all together, but there's been a huge reduction. I was reading about a low carb pasta made by a company called Dreamfields. You better believe that's the first item on my grocery list for today. Not that I can feast on a bowl of low carb angel hair, but at least I have less guilt having it as a small side with something else.
My mother in law has joined the site that I'm using and called me last night to talk about how it works. It's sort of like Facebook, in that you have something very similar to the fb Wall, where you can post little blurbs. When you weigh in and complete your food/exercise journals for the day, it posts to your Wall. You can "friend" people and help to encourage one another. There's also a number of forums/message boards where you can ask questions, share recipes, etc. So, if you're interested in joining, search for me by my email address and we can be buddies! The name of the site is MyFitnessPal and it's super easy to use.
Oh, and PS, since I've been on this new eating plan (it's not a diet - diets end...This is a lifestyle change!), my skin is so much prettier!!!! I don't know if it's the lack of crap going in or the increase in water consumption, but I've got so much less breakouts! Awesome side effect!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Yep, I did it again
I was doing so well! Staying on top of my blog. Giving updates and little tidbits. And then my 30 day challenge threw me a curveball and I disappeared again. :-P I'll get back on that wagon soon. But today, I have something special to talk about.
I know I've said it many times before, but this time, there is no choice. I'm taking control of my health. About three weeks ago, I had an appointment at the doctor to have some labwork done. My prescriptions had run out and the doctor wasn't going to give me refills until I'd come in and had my glucose levels checked. So I obediently had my levels checked and they were off the charts. From October to March, my A1C level (which is a measurement of your glucose % levels over a 2-3 month period and should be under 7) had gone from 7.2 to 12.2. My blood sugar was over 300, and should have been somewhere around 120.
The next day, the office called me back and said that my doctor wanted to see me to discuss going on insulin.
Pause. Let's rewind a minute. Almost six years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I was put on a low dose of a medication called metformin, that is supposed to help lower your glucose levels and the hope was that I would lose a little weight and the blood sugar issues would go away. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I didn't understand the seriousness of diabetes. I didn't make the life changes that were necessary to make this issue go away. I continued to eat and live in the same way I had been for the 24 years previous.
Over the next six years, I continued to see my doctor regularly and for a while, things were under control. But I'd say after I got married and then more recently, when we bought our house, it just continued to get worse and worse. That initial medication that I was taking is now at the highest dosage, plus I take the highest dosage of two other medications that are supposed to do the same thing.
So, now, like I said - the doctor wants to have me go on insulin. And in that moment, it hit me. Who wants to inject themselves every day? Especially if you can do something to change it! So, I'm making changes in my life. I'm learning more about diabetes, I'm trying to change my eating habits and learn how to make more healthy meals. I haven't quite bridged the gap of exercise, but maybe I'll get there soon.
That being said, since I've started my new way of life, I've lost six pounds. In the big picture, that's peanuts. But all things considered, I think that's an awesome start to this uphill battle. This weekend, with the holiday that's centered around an enormous meal, filled with things that I just love, may be a challenge. But I can do it!
I know I've said it many times before, but this time, there is no choice. I'm taking control of my health. About three weeks ago, I had an appointment at the doctor to have some labwork done. My prescriptions had run out and the doctor wasn't going to give me refills until I'd come in and had my glucose levels checked. So I obediently had my levels checked and they were off the charts. From October to March, my A1C level (which is a measurement of your glucose % levels over a 2-3 month period and should be under 7) had gone from 7.2 to 12.2. My blood sugar was over 300, and should have been somewhere around 120.
The next day, the office called me back and said that my doctor wanted to see me to discuss going on insulin.
Pause. Let's rewind a minute. Almost six years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I was put on a low dose of a medication called metformin, that is supposed to help lower your glucose levels and the hope was that I would lose a little weight and the blood sugar issues would go away. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I didn't understand the seriousness of diabetes. I didn't make the life changes that were necessary to make this issue go away. I continued to eat and live in the same way I had been for the 24 years previous.
Over the next six years, I continued to see my doctor regularly and for a while, things were under control. But I'd say after I got married and then more recently, when we bought our house, it just continued to get worse and worse. That initial medication that I was taking is now at the highest dosage, plus I take the highest dosage of two other medications that are supposed to do the same thing.
So, now, like I said - the doctor wants to have me go on insulin. And in that moment, it hit me. Who wants to inject themselves every day? Especially if you can do something to change it! So, I'm making changes in my life. I'm learning more about diabetes, I'm trying to change my eating habits and learn how to make more healthy meals. I haven't quite bridged the gap of exercise, but maybe I'll get there soon.
That being said, since I've started my new way of life, I've lost six pounds. In the big picture, that's peanuts. But all things considered, I think that's an awesome start to this uphill battle. This weekend, with the holiday that's centered around an enormous meal, filled with things that I just love, may be a challenge. But I can do it!
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
Friday, March 18, 2011
Where does it even come from??
Last night, I had another dream about my cousin. I thought I'd posted about her before, but I can't find it, so I'll just give a little back story. My uncle (Dad's bro) was married and had four kids. His wife (from our perspective) turned out to be a money-hungry, lying, brain-washing bitch. She & my uncle tried to work things out for a number of years, but it just wasn't going to happen. So, they began divorce proceedings and he moved out of the house that he lived in with her and his kids and moved in with my parents & me. Over the years, as things with my uncle and his wife continued to get worse, my cousins stopped coming around for family gatherings, which was very sad for me because I always looked forward to playing with them. The oldest was a year younger than me and the youngest was 10 years younger than me. We weren't best friends, but I always got a kick out of getting to hang out with them.
My sophomore year in high school, the oldest of my cousins was a freshman at the same school. She and I would pass in the hall and smile & wave or say hi. But when my uncle moved in with us, it was like my cousin lost all recognition of who I was. She didn't even look at me when we passed in the halls. It stung, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. We weren't best buddies and, frankly, I thought that one day she'd come back around. My senior year, her younger sister was a freshman and she was more likely to give me a wave, but still didn't come around for family functions. I really began to feel like I'd lost a chunk of my family.
A few years later, the younger of the two girls came back to the family. She got in contact with her dad again and made an effort to become a part of our lives. I didn't know the whole story and it really wasn't my business, I was just glad that she had come back around. The youngest of the cousins had always stayed in contact with us because my uncle had shared custody - she'd come every other weekend and one night a week. So, two of my four cousins were back. I could only hope that the other two would do the same in time.
But it's more than 10 years later, and still the oldest girl and the boy don't acknowledge our family. I've tried to friend them both on Facebook and my requests go ignored. I don't know what their father could have possibly done to cause them such hatred. The girl got married a couple years ago and not only was our family not invited to the wedding, but her dad wasn't even invited. She had her mom walk her down the aisle. He's such a kind man (a tad annoying at times, but clearly loves his children and always wanted the best for them). I don't understand how they could just disown him in the way that they have. But that's the decision that they've made. I don't know why it all bothers me so much, but it definitely always has.
That being said, I don't think about them nonstop. Every once in a while, I'll see a pic on the facebook wall of one of the other two or a comment or something and it makes me wish that they were a part of my life. But now and then, I have dreams about the girl. And last night was one of those nights...
I dreamt that we were having a family party and we were sitting down to watch a movie or something. I was sitting in a chair and my cousin was actually there and sat down on the floor in front of my chair and leaned her head back on my knee. After a few minutes, I told her how happy I was that she was there. She got angry at this, got up and told me that she only came because her therapist told her that it would be good to do. She did it and now she was leaving.
I was shocked. I sat in dismay for a moment and then went chasing after her. We were outside the house and she was just so mad. I told her how I missed having her in our family and how I saw the relationship that she had with Lina (cousin on her mom's side) and was so envious of that. She started crying and began telling me about how her mom would never let her leave. That all of the money she ever made ended up going to her mother. I held her while she cried and told her that it'd be okay.
And then I woke up, sad that I knew such an event would never take place. I don't know how or why she gets into my head sometimes. Usually, I don't interact with her in my dreams. She's normally in the distance and I want so badly to say something to her, but am afraid she'll ignore me or reject me. Just typing out my recollection of the dream brings tears to my eyes.
Anyway, this was more for me to get things off my chest and stop it from replaying in my brain. I have some super exciting news (not about me - my BFF), so I'll have to sit down and focus on that sometime this weekend!
My sophomore year in high school, the oldest of my cousins was a freshman at the same school. She and I would pass in the hall and smile & wave or say hi. But when my uncle moved in with us, it was like my cousin lost all recognition of who I was. She didn't even look at me when we passed in the halls. It stung, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. We weren't best buddies and, frankly, I thought that one day she'd come back around. My senior year, her younger sister was a freshman and she was more likely to give me a wave, but still didn't come around for family functions. I really began to feel like I'd lost a chunk of my family.
A few years later, the younger of the two girls came back to the family. She got in contact with her dad again and made an effort to become a part of our lives. I didn't know the whole story and it really wasn't my business, I was just glad that she had come back around. The youngest of the cousins had always stayed in contact with us because my uncle had shared custody - she'd come every other weekend and one night a week. So, two of my four cousins were back. I could only hope that the other two would do the same in time.
But it's more than 10 years later, and still the oldest girl and the boy don't acknowledge our family. I've tried to friend them both on Facebook and my requests go ignored. I don't know what their father could have possibly done to cause them such hatred. The girl got married a couple years ago and not only was our family not invited to the wedding, but her dad wasn't even invited. She had her mom walk her down the aisle. He's such a kind man (a tad annoying at times, but clearly loves his children and always wanted the best for them). I don't understand how they could just disown him in the way that they have. But that's the decision that they've made. I don't know why it all bothers me so much, but it definitely always has.
That being said, I don't think about them nonstop. Every once in a while, I'll see a pic on the facebook wall of one of the other two or a comment or something and it makes me wish that they were a part of my life. But now and then, I have dreams about the girl. And last night was one of those nights...
I dreamt that we were having a family party and we were sitting down to watch a movie or something. I was sitting in a chair and my cousin was actually there and sat down on the floor in front of my chair and leaned her head back on my knee. After a few minutes, I told her how happy I was that she was there. She got angry at this, got up and told me that she only came because her therapist told her that it would be good to do. She did it and now she was leaving.
I was shocked. I sat in dismay for a moment and then went chasing after her. We were outside the house and she was just so mad. I told her how I missed having her in our family and how I saw the relationship that she had with Lina (cousin on her mom's side) and was so envious of that. She started crying and began telling me about how her mom would never let her leave. That all of the money she ever made ended up going to her mother. I held her while she cried and told her that it'd be okay.
And then I woke up, sad that I knew such an event would never take place. I don't know how or why she gets into my head sometimes. Usually, I don't interact with her in my dreams. She's normally in the distance and I want so badly to say something to her, but am afraid she'll ignore me or reject me. Just typing out my recollection of the dream brings tears to my eyes.
Anyway, this was more for me to get things off my chest and stop it from replaying in my brain. I have some super exciting news (not about me - my BFF), so I'll have to sit down and focus on that sometime this weekend!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thirty Days - Day Ten
A photo of me taken over ten years ago
I couldn't pick just one...I love embarrassing myself with old pics. Especially when other people are included in them. :-)
First, a picture from 1996, so that putsme us in 8th grade. I'm on the left with my big bushy eye brows and sticker on my cheek. And on the right is Melissa, giving me the evil eye. You love me. I promise. Not sure what the dirty look was for that day. Geez, we look like such babies!
This picture was taken in the basement of the Catholic grade school I went to for 7th & 8th grade. The basement was used for many different functions - lunch room during the week, meeting space for after masses, a place to pick up your market day orders, and the place where we had our weekly music classes (Side note - to this day, when I hear "La Cucaracha", I still remember the two of us convincing Mrs. K that we should sing it in class...Despite the fact that NONE of us spoke Spanish! lol!!).
This second picture is from Prom, my senior year. What a difference four years can make on some eyebrows, right??? lol I went from one ridiculous extreme to the other. I'm glad to say, they've settled at a more normal place and size nowadays. :-)
About a month before prom, my boyfriend of two years and I called it quits. I didn't know what I was going to do about prom. It was the first dance in years that I actually had to worry about finding a date for. The guy that I went with, Tim, was a good friend and such a nice guy. He asked me before I could make the mistake of going with my ex "for old times' sake". I'm fairly certain that Tim would have liked to become an item, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to realize what a wonderful boyfriend Tim would've made. I haven't had much contact with him since I graduated, but I'm sure that he's continued being a nice guy and is making his wifey a happy girl.
I couldn't pick just one...I love embarrassing myself with old pics. Especially when other people are included in them. :-)
First, a picture from 1996, so that puts
This second picture is from Prom, my senior year. What a difference four years can make on some eyebrows, right??? lol I went from one ridiculous extreme to the other. I'm glad to say, they've settled at a more normal place and size nowadays. :-)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thirty Days - Day Nine
Pet Peeves
I don't know where this pet peeve comes from, but somewhere along the way, I became a spelling/grammar bitch. Nothing irritates me more than seeing misspellings and incorrect uses of words like their/they're/there. Come on! Why is it so hard to remember how these words work? And with all of the spell checking tools that we have, why do I still see things spelled wrong?
I'm my job, I have a lot of correspondence that happens through emails. You'd think at a professional level, people would click the spell check button. But no, they don't. I have become the proofreader in my office. Any time an official document is sent to a customer, they ask me to read it over and correct any spelling or grammatical mistakes. Well, thank Geebus for that! Someone's gotta do it!
I don't know where this pet peeve comes from, but somewhere along the way, I became a spelling/grammar bitch. Nothing irritates me more than seeing misspellings and incorrect uses of words like their/they're/there. Come on! Why is it so hard to remember how these words work? And with all of the spell checking tools that we have, why do I still see things spelled wrong?
I'm my job, I have a lot of correspondence that happens through emails. You'd think at a professional level, people would click the spell check button. But no, they don't. I have become the proofreader in my office. Any time an official document is sent to a customer, they ask me to read it over and correct any spelling or grammatical mistakes. Well, thank Geebus for that! Someone's gotta do it!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thirty Days - Day Eight
Something I Crave
Man, oh man...The timing couldn't be better on this one. With Lent beginning today, I'm trying to decide on something to give up. If I do the same thing I did last year, I'll be craving Mountain Dew in 40 days, that's for damn sure.
Most of the women I know crave chocolate. Like 24/7. I do not. I'm one of those strange people that if chocolate ceased to exist right now, I probably wouldn't notice too much. Don't get me wrong. I'll gladly enjoy a Dark Chocolate Milky Way or a brownie topped with ice cream and hot fudge. But it's not something that I need to survive. :-)
No, the thing that I crave everyday, all day is CARBS! No wonder I'm as fat as I am. I blame it all on the noodles. Seriously, though. My favorite foods are all chock full of carbohydrates. Pasta, bread, rice, potatoes. Don't get any crazy ideas, though. Absolutely No Way I could give up carbs for Lent. That would be insanity.
Man, oh man...The timing couldn't be better on this one. With Lent beginning today, I'm trying to decide on something to give up. If I do the same thing I did last year, I'll be craving Mountain Dew in 40 days, that's for damn sure.
Most of the women I know crave chocolate. Like 24/7. I do not. I'm one of those strange people that if chocolate ceased to exist right now, I probably wouldn't notice too much. Don't get me wrong. I'll gladly enjoy a Dark Chocolate Milky Way or a brownie topped with ice cream and hot fudge. But it's not something that I need to survive. :-)
No, the thing that I crave everyday, all day is CARBS! No wonder I'm as fat as I am. I blame it all on the noodles. Seriously, though. My favorite foods are all chock full of carbohydrates. Pasta, bread, rice, potatoes. Don't get any crazy ideas, though. Absolutely No Way I could give up carbs for Lent. That would be insanity.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Thirty Days - Day Seven
A Favorite Photo
I thought about sharing a photo from my wedding. Eh.
I thought about sharing a photo of my kitties, but that just lends itself to the crazy cat lady thing that I have going on.
I thought about sharing a photo of my girls because they're amazing and I don't know what I'd do without them, but I don't have one of all of us together.
So, I've decided to share a pic of myself. I was loving my makeup & hair on Friday, so I did areal not so quick vanity shoot at work before everyone got to the office. My eyes are always squinty in pics of me because I smile too big. I consciously opened my eyes wide and minimized the smile and love the pic that I produced. I feel pretty, oh so pretty....
I thought about sharing a photo from my wedding. Eh.
I thought about sharing a photo of my kitties, but that just lends itself to the crazy cat lady thing that I have going on.
I thought about sharing a photo of my girls because they're amazing and I don't know what I'd do without them, but I don't have one of all of us together.
So, I've decided to share a pic of myself. I was loving my makeup & hair on Friday, so I did a
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Steven Tyler PJ's!!!
So, I've decided to watch American Idol this season. I don't know why. I haven't watched a full season of the show since Jordin Sparks won. I was rather irritated that she won and Blake didn't. I think that was the season of Sanjaya, too, which was beyond ridiculous. It was also the same season that I actually knew a person who'd auditioned...And Boy, that was a bit of a catastrophe... Anyway, it's been a few years and I decided to follow this season. I'm really liking some of the talent, and actually voted for a few of the guys on Monday night. I didn't actually watch the girls last night, so I couldn't vote, but I did check them out on YouTube this morning.
But before I get into my favs for the season, I'd just like to announce that I am officially in love with Steven Tyler! I've always liked Aerosmith, but never really had any strong feelings about them, other than they made pretty good music. And then Steven Tyler shows up on my tv, saying crazy funny shit and LOOKING AWESOME! How does a man that's older than my parents look that good? Don't answer that. It was rhetorical. The point is that I heart him and I'm super glad that he's judging this season.
J-Lo is okay, although, her crying and brief pout party about not putting Chris Medina through peeved me a bit. Sure, I would've loved to see the Oak Forest resident go through to the top 24, and I really thought he was quite talented, but that's the way these things go. J-Lo was outvoted by the other two judges. Get over it. And while I'm on the topic, is it just me or did it seem like every time she had to tell someone they weren't going through, she had to throw Randy and my new husband under the bus? 'I would've liked to see you go through, but I was outvoted. I'm so sorry.' Bleh. Whatev, Jenny from the Block.
Randy is Randy and I don't feel like talking about him. If he's going to fill Simon's shoes, he needs to step it up, already. Nuff Said.
Now for my favorites!!!
If I could pick a winner right here and now, it'd be Scotty McCreery. I think he has a fantastic voice, he's picked some of my favorite songs and I think he's a good guy. He definitely seems much older than his 17 years.
My second choice, despite his distinctly Amish look, is Casey Abrams. He has a different style than most of the Idol folks have in the past, and I really love it. He is a great performer.
And third choice is Paul McDonald. He sang some other tunes in Hollywood week and I thought he sounded remarkably like Rod Stewart. And then look whose song he belted out on Tuesday night. Yep, good ol' Rod. Again, I think he has a quirky, unique sound and I hope he goes far. I liked all three of these guys on Facebook Wednesday morning and it didn't look like Paul had as many followers as the other two, but I'm still holding out for him.
Other favorites, in order - no videos posted because I figured you're probably not going to watch the four that I did post. Why bother posting four more...
Lauren Alaina
Haley Reinhart
Brett Lowenstern
Naima Adedapo
And just a side note...I LOVED this one chick - Emily Anne Reed - who was cut early on in Hollywood week, but I really, really love her voice. And the style of music that she sings. I You-Tubed her for about an hour this morning, listening to all of the songs she has posted. I really hope there is a CD in her future, because I would SObuy download it.
But before I get into my favs for the season, I'd just like to announce that I am officially in love with Steven Tyler! I've always liked Aerosmith, but never really had any strong feelings about them, other than they made pretty good music. And then Steven Tyler shows up on my tv, saying crazy funny shit and LOOKING AWESOME! How does a man that's older than my parents look that good? Don't answer that. It was rhetorical. The point is that I heart him and I'm super glad that he's judging this season.
J-Lo is okay, although, her crying and brief pout party about not putting Chris Medina through peeved me a bit. Sure, I would've loved to see the Oak Forest resident go through to the top 24, and I really thought he was quite talented, but that's the way these things go. J-Lo was outvoted by the other two judges. Get over it. And while I'm on the topic, is it just me or did it seem like every time she had to tell someone they weren't going through, she had to throw Randy and my new husband under the bus? 'I would've liked to see you go through, but I was outvoted. I'm so sorry.' Bleh. Whatev, Jenny from the Block.
Randy is Randy and I don't feel like talking about him. If he's going to fill Simon's shoes, he needs to step it up, already. Nuff Said.
Now for my favorites!!!
If I could pick a winner right here and now, it'd be Scotty McCreery. I think he has a fantastic voice, he's picked some of my favorite songs and I think he's a good guy. He definitely seems much older than his 17 years.
My second choice, despite his distinctly Amish look, is Casey Abrams. He has a different style than most of the Idol folks have in the past, and I really love it. He is a great performer.
And third choice is Paul McDonald. He sang some other tunes in Hollywood week and I thought he sounded remarkably like Rod Stewart. And then look whose song he belted out on Tuesday night. Yep, good ol' Rod. Again, I think he has a quirky, unique sound and I hope he goes far. I liked all three of these guys on Facebook Wednesday morning and it didn't look like Paul had as many followers as the other two, but I'm still holding out for him.
Other favorites, in order - no videos posted because I figured you're probably not going to watch the four that I did post. Why bother posting four more...
Lauren Alaina
Haley Reinhart
Brett Lowenstern
Naima Adedapo
And just a side note...I LOVED this one chick - Emily Anne Reed - who was cut early on in Hollywood week, but I really, really love her voice. And the style of music that she sings. I You-Tubed her for about an hour this morning, listening to all of the songs she has posted. I really hope there is a CD in her future, because I would SO
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
30 Days - Day Six
A fun fact about me
My dream job is an event planner. I love all the details that are involved. I like focusing on all the small things that people may not think about, but really help to make an event fun. I like having a list of things that need to be accomplished, and I get a real feeling of satisfaction as I check off items on that list. Planning my wedding was a bit stressful, but I really did enjoy doing it and would love to help other women to plan theirs. The research that goes into something like that is fun for me, too. My latest planning ventures have been a fun reunion dinner with some old friends from high school and my best friend's baby shower last month. But even just planning a dinner with my girlfriends or the details of the family Christmas party - it all is super fun to me!
My dream job is an event planner. I love all the details that are involved. I like focusing on all the small things that people may not think about, but really help to make an event fun. I like having a list of things that need to be accomplished, and I get a real feeling of satisfaction as I check off items on that list. Planning my wedding was a bit stressful, but I really did enjoy doing it and would love to help other women to plan theirs. The research that goes into something like that is fun for me, too. My latest planning ventures have been a fun reunion dinner with some old friends from high school and my best friend's baby shower last month. But even just planning a dinner with my girlfriends or the details of the family Christmas party - it all is super fun to me!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
30 Days - Day Five
A Favorite Quote
Ordinarily, I would use one that expresses happiness like 'Don't frown - you never know who is falling in love with your smile'. Or one that helps me to try and keep my over-emotional brain in balance like 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' Those two have always been a couple of my favorites, and I really do like them. I am generally a positive person and I think smiles are great things. They can brighten your own or someone else's day. They can be a defense mechanism for when you're feeling down or frightened. I like smiles.
HOWEVER!
In the last week or so, I heard the same quote from three different sources...Makes me wonder if God or the universe isn't trying to tell me something.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
So, for days now, this thought has been running through my head. And I keep thinking about how insane I really must be. lol Really, though. I keep on doing the same shit over and over again, and I'm hoping that one day, it will be different. That eventually, I'll get the outcome that I want.
Duh. Try a different tactic, Dummy.
So, yesterday, I started a new tactic. I have to be diligent and stay on this path. Hopefully, it will lead to different results.
Ordinarily, I would use one that expresses happiness like 'Don't frown - you never know who is falling in love with your smile'. Or one that helps me to try and keep my over-emotional brain in balance like 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' Those two have always been a couple of my favorites, and I really do like them. I am generally a positive person and I think smiles are great things. They can brighten your own or someone else's day. They can be a defense mechanism for when you're feeling down or frightened. I like smiles.
HOWEVER!
In the last week or so, I heard the same quote from three different sources...Makes me wonder if God or the universe isn't trying to tell me something.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
So, for days now, this thought has been running through my head. And I keep thinking about how insane I really must be. lol Really, though. I keep on doing the same shit over and over again, and I'm hoping that one day, it will be different. That eventually, I'll get the outcome that I want.
Duh. Try a different tactic, Dummy.
So, yesterday, I started a new tactic. I have to be diligent and stay on this path. Hopefully, it will lead to different results.
Friday, February 25, 2011
30 Days - Day 4
A Favorite Book
I've been slacking for a couple days. I was busy at work and tired at night, so I missed a couple days. I'm sure you're over it.
I don't know if I actually have a favorite book. There've been a lot of books that I've read that I liked. A lot. But I can't say there's one particular book that I would call my favorite. If you sit me in a quiet room with a Nicholas Sparks book, I'll have it finished before you know it. But none of them have been like ohmygod, I could read this book a bazillion times and never get bored with it.
For a long time, when asked my favorite book, I would respond with 'Summer Sisters' by Judy Blume. But to be perfectly honest, I hardly even remember it anymore. Perhaps I should go back and re-read it and remind myself why I liked it so much.
I just recently pulled all of my books out of a box and put them on display. And there are SO many that I know I read, but can't remember most of the story. And then there are a bunch more that I don't know that I ever finished. And mixed in with all of those, there's a handful of books that I remember reading and I remember the whole thing. Maybe I should classify those as my favorites...
Wow. This was a much longer post than I thought it would be. Gotta love rambling. Hope you all have a fantastical weekend!
I've been slacking for a couple days. I was busy at work and tired at night, so I missed a couple days. I'm sure you're over it.
I don't know if I actually have a favorite book. There've been a lot of books that I've read that I liked. A lot. But I can't say there's one particular book that I would call my favorite. If you sit me in a quiet room with a Nicholas Sparks book, I'll have it finished before you know it. But none of them have been like ohmygod, I could read this book a bazillion times and never get bored with it.
For a long time, when asked my favorite book, I would respond with 'Summer Sisters' by Judy Blume. But to be perfectly honest, I hardly even remember it anymore. Perhaps I should go back and re-read it and remind myself why I liked it so much.
I just recently pulled all of my books out of a box and put them on display. And there are SO many that I know I read, but can't remember most of the story. And then there are a bunch more that I don't know that I ever finished. And mixed in with all of those, there's a handful of books that I remember reading and I remember the whole thing. Maybe I should classify those as my favorites...
Wow. This was a much longer post than I thought it would be. Gotta love rambling. Hope you all have a fantastical weekend!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Born This Way vs. Express Yourself
Has anyone noticed that "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga
sounds A LOT like "Express Yourself" by Madonna?
sounds A LOT like "Express Yourself" by Madonna?
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