I had a very nice, albeit short, weekend! Friday night, I came home and watched back episodes of The Cleaner with Benjamin Bratt. It's the story of an ex-addict who in his own recovery has found a calling to help others through the same thing. He is hired by people who have loved ones suffering from some kind of addiction - drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex - they mostly focus on drug addicts in the show, though. William (Bratt's character) and his team track down the addict, find the supplier, "catch" the addict and bring them to a rehab facility. They talk about how the failure rate of these caught addicts is 75%. Only one quarter of all the people that they bring to rehab are successful in kicking their habit. Yikes. Anyway, I got sucked into the show. That's what I did on Friday. I had leftovers for dinner, made Hubby his BLT's and went to bed.
Saturday, I woke up around 7 when Hubby got home from work. We hung out for a while - he played WoW, I played Sims 3. I did a bit of cleaning and then took a shower and ran some errands. Finally got my pool pass - definitely going to take advantage of that soon. Went to JoAnn Fabrics and got some material to make a backdrop for my photos. Came back home and ordered a pizza for dinner. Watched some more Cleaner and went to bed around 10.
Sunday, Hubby woke me up around 6, after he'd been up for an hour and a half. Before I even woke up, he did some cleaning and put on a pot of coffee for me. We had some breakfast and I finished up with the cleaning while he went out and mowed the lawn. I did a bit of sewing - my backdrop isn't quite what I'd planned, but it's not bad. It serves its purpose. And then around 2, Mel & the kids came by. We took some pics at the house, but I had forgotten how difficult it can be to get 2 and 3 year olds to sit still and look in the same direction at the same time. So, we put the nix on that and went out to the park. It was a beautiful day and I think the kids had a nice time. I got some great pics at the park, which I'll be sharing soon. After while, the kids got tuckered out, so they all headed back home. Spent the rest of the evening having dinner with Hubby and talking about plans for the week.
Like I said, short & sweet. :-)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Happy monday
Good Morning, My blogging friends! I need your help!!
Hubby and I are doing some sort of vacay in a couple weeks and I'm in the market for a new swimsuit. I have a really cute one right now, but I'm unhappy with the way the bottom fits, so I tend to only wear the top with jeans while I'm working in the yard and such. So....I'm on the prowl. I've narrowed down my search to two suits - pictures below. Please let me know which one you like the best!
Images all from Fashion Bug
Friday, June 26, 2009
Geez...Another one...? Really?
Hmmm...This post started as one thing and has completely progressed into another.
So, I found out today that another one of my sorority sisters is pregnant. That makes three (that I know of) that are currently prego and two more that just had babies in the last year. Seriously? WTF Man?
So, to make myself feel better, I decided to try to come up with reasons why I'm glad I'm not prego:
So, I found out today that another one of my sorority sisters is pregnant. That makes three (that I know of) that are currently prego and two more that just had babies in the last year. Seriously? WTF Man?
So, to make myself feel better, I decided to try to come up with reasons why I'm glad I'm not prego:
- I can drink a whole bottle of wine tonight to drown my sorrows
- I don't have to go out and try to find maternity clothes for my already large body
- I can spend money on
myself, my husband and my catsa new ac compressor, rather than diapers and formula - I...theoretically can sleep through the night in whatever position I find comfortable
- I......can't come up with anything else.
Yeah, that list is short. And shitty. Here's my other list, which trumps the one above a million times over.
Reasons why I'm NOT glad that I'm not prego:
- I want a family.
Ugh.
Today, my friend and I went to lunch together. She's a pretty skinny minnie and a nice girl, I'd say she's one of my closest friends right now. She's taking a nutrition class, required for the nursing program that she's trying to get into. And this nutrition class is killing me. Every time she has class, the next day, she comes back telling me about how many calories she should be eating and how she's way over that number. And how her body fat % (or some shit like that) is just below where it should be. And how to lose weight, you just need to reduce your calorie intake and increase your exercise.
Girl, I've been fat my whole life. Do you think this is news to me? Do you think if it was as easy as putting down the gallon of ice cream and running around the block, don't you think I'd do that? For 25 years, I've been steadily getting fatter. Every time I try to lose weight, I do okay in the beginning and then I fall off the proverbial wagon. Despite my above statement, I don't sit in front of the tv with a bucket of ice cream for days on end. I think I eat okay - not the best, but it's not like I go to McDonalds for every meal. My biggest problem with food is portions. I make something that I like and I eat way too much of it.
And with exercise...Ew. I hate sweat. JB (my friend from work) asked me if I wanted to go outside to the nearby park for lunch today. I looked at her like she was insane and responded with a definite no. She said to me 'But it's so nice out. It's not as humid.' I replied with 'Let me remind you. I get to hang out with the 90 degree weather on my drive home every day. I sweat buckets just sitting there. I have no desire to come back to work after that.' And she tells me that sweating is good for you and that she, in fact, likes to sweat. Let me reiterate...Sweat = ew. I feel gross and smelly and once you go back inside and it dries, then I feel all grimey. Ew. No thank you. She conceded. We went to Ditka's and had Tuna Nicoise Salads. Pretty yummy, although if she hadn't been lecturing me about losing weight discussing her nutrition class with me, I would've ordered the chicken parm.
This rant about weight and food and exercise is related to the original topic. Majorly. Three reasons. 1. We don't have a lot of sex. I don't feel attractive anymore (I'm at my heaviest right now) and Hubby is far too engrossed in his game to notice when I try to initiate. 2. When we do have sex, who in Jehovah knows if I'm ovulating. My period's all wonky (related to my weight). 3. Even if we were having sex regularly or when I'm supposedly ovulating, it's terribly difficult for someone of my size to get pregnant.
So, anyway, I'm feeling a little boo hoo about it. I'm feeling angry about it. I'm feeling ... I dunno. I wish I could say inspired, but I feel the opposite. When I think about losing weight, I think about how much weight there is for me to lose and I'm discouraged. There's this GIGANTIC mountain in front of me and all I can think about is how hard it's going to be to get to the top. How absolutely impossible it looks. I think of all the sweating and how many times I'm going to fall down and the exhaustion that will go along with it. And I don't even take the first step. I'm just content to sit here at the bottom and wait for my jetpack to instantly appear on my back and take me to the top.
I don't know what I need to motivate myself. I don't know how to look at the mountain and say okay, there's a rock about 10% of the way to the top. Get to the rock. And then look for the next rock. And the next. I want to make it to the top. Hell, I'd be thrilled with myself if I could make it halfway or even 25% of the way up the mountain. I quite obviously know what needs to be done, I just can't find it in myself to do it.
I want it to be easy.
I want it all to be easy. Losing weight. Getting pregnant. Paying the bills. Getting the car fixed. Work. Life.
Grow up.
I'm rambling and the inner voices are starting to come out. Looks like it's time to put this incoherent mess to rest. Maybe the lesson here is that easy isn't always best. Sometimes, you really do have to work for what it is that you so desperately want in your life...
OMG...I'm dyin here...
I have one hour and 8 minutes until the bell (in my head) rings, signaling the end of the work week. Normally, I can easily pass an hour reading blogs or futzing around on Facebook or reading/sending emails. Today, there is NOTHING. No blog updates in almost two hours. No emails since this morning. And it seems everyone I know on Facebook is at the Crosstown Classic. So, it's pretty quiet over there, too. What am supposed to do for the next 66 minutes?
Work, you say? Pfft.
I'm so over that for this week.
This weekend should be fun. I need to clean some - my floors are looking kinda grungy. And the litter boxes are bad. I asked Hubby to take care of that more days ago than I care to count. I hope he cut the grass today. We put down a bunch of mulch around the trees and flower beds. Looking pretty nice, even though it's not the color that he was supposed to get. Still looks fresh. That's what matters. I guess.
Oooh..I sent some texts. And looked at FB again. Now we're down to T minus45 42. Woo!
My hair is a big fluffy mess today. If I spray it with curl enhancer when it's wet in the am and give it a little scrunch, I get nice wavy-ish curls. Most of the time. Today, apparently I didn't put enough enhancer in. So instead of loose, wet-looking waves, I have dry, fluffy (It's really the best word to describe the state of my hair) Shirley Temple-ish curls. Not so cute on a 27 year old.
I got some AWESOMELY CUTE (not to mention inexpensive) sandals at Sears yesterday. Three pairs, $35. Today, I'm wearing brown. They've got a cute little wedge heel and topaz colored jewels on the straps. And the part that's actually touching the bottom of my foot is a fuzzy material, instead of rubber. Makes for less stinkiness later, I thinks. I got white ones that have a white, almost pleated ribbon on the straps, with a little rhinestone buckle. These two pair were marked down to $8 from $13. And the last pair is just a plain black leather (maybe pleather, given the price) flip flop, originally $30, marked down to $16. I haven't been wearing a lot of sandals this summer. Mostly because my shoes are all still packed away in some unknown location, but also because when I do anything other than socks and gym shoes, my feet and ankles swell up like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. And that ends up meaning sore ankles. But, at least my toes aren't hot...Right?
T minus 26. We're doing good here!
Melissa and the kids are supposed to come over on Sunday. That should be hella fun! If Hubby gets his shit together, I might have a quasi-photo studio set up by then, so we'll have a place to take some pics. And then maybe if the weather cooperates like it's supposed to, we can head over to the Forest Preserve for some more candid-type photos. Mel - would you be interested in going to the pool after pics? There's a zero depth pool, where we can take the kids (I'm sure there will be plenty of other kids there, too). If not, I'm cool with that too. Just thought I'd throw it out there. I'll have to see about visitor passes - let me know.
Okay, the boss just asked me to Proof read something for him (yeah, my grammar freak tendencies have gotten around), so if I wanna get out of here in 21 minutes, I better hop to it. Thanks for helping me kill some time, folks! :-D
Work, you say? Pfft.
I'm so over that for this week.
This weekend should be fun. I need to clean some - my floors are looking kinda grungy. And the litter boxes are bad. I asked Hubby to take care of that more days ago than I care to count. I hope he cut the grass today. We put down a bunch of mulch around the trees and flower beds. Looking pretty nice, even though it's not the color that he was supposed to get. Still looks fresh. That's what matters. I guess.
Oooh..I sent some texts. And looked at FB again. Now we're down to T minus
My hair is a big fluffy mess today. If I spray it with curl enhancer when it's wet in the am and give it a little scrunch, I get nice wavy-ish curls. Most of the time. Today, apparently I didn't put enough enhancer in. So instead of loose, wet-looking waves, I have dry, fluffy (It's really the best word to describe the state of my hair) Shirley Temple-ish curls. Not so cute on a 27 year old.
I got some AWESOMELY CUTE (not to mention inexpensive) sandals at Sears yesterday. Three pairs, $35. Today, I'm wearing brown. They've got a cute little wedge heel and topaz colored jewels on the straps. And the part that's actually touching the bottom of my foot is a fuzzy material, instead of rubber. Makes for less stinkiness later, I thinks. I got white ones that have a white, almost pleated ribbon on the straps, with a little rhinestone buckle. These two pair were marked down to $8 from $13. And the last pair is just a plain black leather (maybe pleather, given the price) flip flop, originally $30, marked down to $16. I haven't been wearing a lot of sandals this summer. Mostly because my shoes are all still packed away in some unknown location, but also because when I do anything other than socks and gym shoes, my feet and ankles swell up like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. And that ends up meaning sore ankles. But, at least my toes aren't hot...Right?
T minus 26. We're doing good here!
Melissa and the kids are supposed to come over on Sunday. That should be hella fun! If Hubby gets his shit together, I might have a quasi-photo studio set up by then, so we'll have a place to take some pics. And then maybe if the weather cooperates like it's supposed to, we can head over to the Forest Preserve for some more candid-type photos. Mel - would you be interested in going to the pool after pics? There's a zero depth pool, where we can take the kids (I'm sure there will be plenty of other kids there, too). If not, I'm cool with that too. Just thought I'd throw it out there. I'll have to see about visitor passes - let me know.
Okay, the boss just asked me to Proof read something for him (yeah, my grammar freak tendencies have gotten around), so if I wanna get out of here in 21 minutes, I better hop to it. Thanks for helping me kill some time, folks! :-D
Fourteen Days...
(and only nine are working days) until my summer vacation begins. Hubby and I always take the week after his birthday off work. Sometimes, we go somewhere, sometimes not, but we always have that week off. He wants me to work two of the days, so that he can have his own, solo vacay (which means be able to sit around without my nagging for two days). I refuse to do this. I'll give him what he wants - that is, I'll leave the house, but hell will be freezing over before I come into work those two days. Maybe I'll go visit the fam for a day. Or maybe I'll go visit Mel. I already told a friend that I'd come take pics of her newborn sometime that week. She lives out that way. I have a free pass to the Shedd, maybe I'll take advantage of that one day. Or maybe I'll just go to the pool both days. But SOHELPMEJEEBUS, I'm not breaking up my week off just because it's his birthday and we annoy each other. lol
So, Tuesday & Wednesday, I'm banned from the house. Cool. We're supposed to do something Thursday - Sunday. Maybe camping. Maybe a resort. Maybe just a roadtrip. Maybe we'll end up doing nothing (I'll be really incredibly bummed if this ends up being what we do). We live about an hour west of Chicago. If we're going away someplace, it's gotta be within 400-500 miles. Anyone have any good suggestions for a long weekend???
So, Tuesday & Wednesday, I'm banned from the house. Cool. We're supposed to do something Thursday - Sunday. Maybe camping. Maybe a resort. Maybe just a roadtrip. Maybe we'll end up doing nothing (I'll be really incredibly bummed if this ends up being what we do). We live about an hour west of Chicago. If we're going away someplace, it's gotta be within 400-500 miles. Anyone have any good suggestions for a long weekend???
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Post for Terri @ 488 Miles
Girl,
Your comments are not working on your oh-so-pretty new layouts. Every time I try to comment, nothing happens. :-( And I can't figure out how to email you, so I'm hoping this works. For everyone that's not Terri...Sorry for polluting your readers. :-)
Your comments are not working on your oh-so-pretty new layouts. Every time I try to comment, nothing happens. :-( And I can't figure out how to email you, so I'm hoping this works. For everyone that's not Terri...Sorry for polluting your readers. :-)
Lost & Found
I lost a follower today. I was hurt for a moment. Until I realized it was some random that had mysteriously appeared there a couple weeks ago. And now she's mysteriously disappeared. Such is life.
I found some new photos (well, new, as in I've taken them in the last week and decided to do something with them). They're over here. I haven't done any edits to them. Just SOOC. Good deal.
I found some new photos (well, new, as in I've taken them in the last week and decided to do something with them). They're over here. I haven't done any edits to them. Just SOOC. Good deal.
Oh, and just so I can prove how unGodly hot it was on the ride home yesterday, have a pic outta my phone...
Can you see it? The part where it says 100??? Stop yelling at me for taking photos while I'm driving 60 mph. Do you see the thermostat!!?!? This wasn't even the worst! It went up another degree! Stupid hot. Stupid humid. I'm so getting this shit taken care of tomorrow. I'm too much of a whiny brat to be driving around with no air.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
True to to nature...
I'm going to do two posts in one day, one was a meme and the other, a belated Weekend Update. Good times, huh?
My weekends have been pretty quiet for the last few weeks. Hence the lack of Weekend Updates. Last weekend (the weekend of the 13th), I went out to see Steph for her 23rd bday. The plan was to hit up the local drive-in, but the weather just wasn't cooperating. So, instead, we went to the regular movie theater. We saw The Hangover. It was a pretty good flick. We sat in the third row, because the little theater was PACKED! I thought I'd be feeling nauseous or have a headache by the end, but I didn't, so that was good. Quite funny. Andy from The Office (I don't know his real name and don't really feel like going to look it up) was in the movie. HilARious! Love that guy!
This past weekend, Hubby came home from work early on Friday night...Got home at like 3am. I didn't know he was there until 5, when I was hollering at the cat and he responded. Scared the shit out of me for a second until I remembered that his vacation time started over and it was only a matter of time before he left early. I could care less, as long as he has the time. He has a bad habit of using all his vacation and personal time early in the year and then for the last six months, every time he wants a day off, or a couple hours off, he has to take no pay. Which he never seems to have a problem with. I could kick him every time.
Anyway, I went back to sleep and woke up around 7, thinking that we were going to go to Menard's to pick up some yard stuff and then work in the yard for a few hours. That never happened. Hubby didn't leave his desk chair all weekend, with the exception of a few hours when he napped and a couple potty breaks. What a turd. Saturday was just a blur. I got Culver's and TacoHell for dinner. We did not a damn thing.
Sunday, I went to visit the fam. My grandparents were there, which was nice, but they only stayed for a while. Opa wasn't feeling well and wanted to go back home. Poor guy. He starts radiation this week. I don't really have any more info, except that they did some more tests last week to determine if the cancer has spread to any organs. As far as I know, we don't have any results on that.
The rest of the afternoon/evening, I just hung out with my parents. I read to my mom for a while (who needs a book on tape/cd/mp3 when you have your own personal readers??) and then checked out my dad's Father's Day gift - a new grill. He was testing it out on me - he made ribs, red potatoes and asparagus (and showed me an awesomely easy way to grill the asparagus!!! You take a couple toothpicks and stick them through the spears, making a "boat" of sorts. Makes it way easier to turn them and you don't lose them through the grates of the grill...Good deal!). Very nice dinner with my dad. After dinner, I got back in the car - I had Hubby's - no way was I going to put up with the heat when I didn't HAVE to - and made the long journey back home. I pretty much went to bed as soon as I got home, while Hubby continued to play the game straight through the night and until noon on Monday. Seriously, that man has an addiction. Last night, though, he did comment that he needed a break from WoW. Like a whole weekend. Call me Thomas, but I'll believe it when I see it.
Not much else is going on with me. I'm bored with life in general. The future of my company is still up in the air. Bossman Bob met with the potential purchaser (we'll call him the Donald) yesterday, and while he hasn't accepted the deal yet (wasn't offered enough moula), he also didn't turn them away. He's going to mull it over for a week and get back to them. If he does decide to sell, the Donald says that he'd like to keep all of us on, but in new roles. He'd want to send the programming/development over to India and the existing programmers/developers would move to sales/support. Which made me question my own job. If the programmers, who have far more knowledge than I do, are bumped to support, where does that leave me? I mean, that's what I do now. As a tester, JB and I are the main contacts for our clients. They call us, JB and I try to work out or duplicate the problem and then we submit the issue to the programmers. If they're doing our job, where does that leave us? It's a little concerning, but, as I've said before, I feel bored. And if my job security was in question, chances are, I'd be on monster and careerbuilder faster than ... well, I dunno what. But fast.
I sent an email to a bunch of my friends, with a link to my photo blog and told them all that I'm looking for human subjects and that I'm offering my services free of charge. I have three or four pretty definite things set up, and a handful of others saying they're interested, just let 'em know when. So, I'm glad I did that. I'm a bit nervous that I won't be as good as I'm hoping, but that's the whole idea, right. Develop the portfolio. Develop the skills. And they're my friends. They've gotta at least pretend to like the photos. ;-)
Wow...This turned out to be much longer than expected. Well, there ya have it. That's most of June, so far. :-)
My weekends have been pretty quiet for the last few weeks. Hence the lack of Weekend Updates. Last weekend (the weekend of the 13th), I went out to see Steph for her 23rd bday. The plan was to hit up the local drive-in, but the weather just wasn't cooperating. So, instead, we went to the regular movie theater. We saw The Hangover. It was a pretty good flick. We sat in the third row, because the little theater was PACKED! I thought I'd be feeling nauseous or have a headache by the end, but I didn't, so that was good. Quite funny. Andy from The Office (I don't know his real name and don't really feel like going to look it up) was in the movie. HilARious! Love that guy!
This past weekend, Hubby came home from work early on Friday night...Got home at like 3am. I didn't know he was there until 5, when I was hollering at the cat and he responded. Scared the shit out of me for a second until I remembered that his vacation time started over and it was only a matter of time before he left early. I could care less, as long as he has the time. He has a bad habit of using all his vacation and personal time early in the year and then for the last six months, every time he wants a day off, or a couple hours off, he has to take no pay. Which he never seems to have a problem with. I could kick him every time.
Anyway, I went back to sleep and woke up around 7, thinking that we were going to go to Menard's to pick up some yard stuff and then work in the yard for a few hours. That never happened. Hubby didn't leave his desk chair all weekend, with the exception of a few hours when he napped and a couple potty breaks. What a turd. Saturday was just a blur. I got Culver's and TacoHell for dinner. We did not a damn thing.
Sunday, I went to visit the fam. My grandparents were there, which was nice, but they only stayed for a while. Opa wasn't feeling well and wanted to go back home. Poor guy. He starts radiation this week. I don't really have any more info, except that they did some more tests last week to determine if the cancer has spread to any organs. As far as I know, we don't have any results on that.
The rest of the afternoon/evening, I just hung out with my parents. I read to my mom for a while (who needs a book on tape/cd/mp3 when you have your own personal readers??) and then checked out my dad's Father's Day gift - a new grill. He was testing it out on me - he made ribs, red potatoes and asparagus (and showed me an awesomely easy way to grill the asparagus!!! You take a couple toothpicks and stick them through the spears, making a "boat" of sorts. Makes it way easier to turn them and you don't lose them through the grates of the grill...Good deal!). Very nice dinner with my dad. After dinner, I got back in the car - I had Hubby's - no way was I going to put up with the heat when I didn't HAVE to - and made the long journey back home. I pretty much went to bed as soon as I got home, while Hubby continued to play the game straight through the night and until noon on Monday. Seriously, that man has an addiction. Last night, though, he did comment that he needed a break from WoW. Like a whole weekend. Call me Thomas, but I'll believe it when I see it.
Not much else is going on with me. I'm bored with life in general. The future of my company is still up in the air. Bossman Bob met with the potential purchaser (we'll call him the Donald) yesterday, and while he hasn't accepted the deal yet (wasn't offered enough moula), he also didn't turn them away. He's going to mull it over for a week and get back to them. If he does decide to sell, the Donald says that he'd like to keep all of us on, but in new roles. He'd want to send the programming/development over to India and the existing programmers/developers would move to sales/support. Which made me question my own job. If the programmers, who have far more knowledge than I do, are bumped to support, where does that leave me? I mean, that's what I do now. As a tester, JB and I are the main contacts for our clients. They call us, JB and I try to work out or duplicate the problem and then we submit the issue to the programmers. If they're doing our job, where does that leave us? It's a little concerning, but, as I've said before, I feel bored. And if my job security was in question, chances are, I'd be on monster and careerbuilder faster than ... well, I dunno what. But fast.
I sent an email to a bunch of my friends, with a link to my photo blog and told them all that I'm looking for human subjects and that I'm offering my services free of charge. I have three or four pretty definite things set up, and a handful of others saying they're interested, just let 'em know when. So, I'm glad I did that. I'm a bit nervous that I won't be as good as I'm hoping, but that's the whole idea, right. Develop the portfolio. Develop the skills. And they're my friends. They've gotta at least pretend to like the photos. ;-)
Wow...This turned out to be much longer than expected. Well, there ya have it. That's most of June, so far. :-)
Yeah, I'd probably jump...
...that is, if everyone else jumped first...Yay for following the leader(s).
Outside my window- The intersection of Busy and Busier...And a LOT of humidity. I'm happy right here, thankyouverymuch.
I am thinking- How horrible it's going to be to drive home...My AC's out and apparently the Heat Index is 105. Hopefully my fat ass doesn't pass out trying to drive home.
I am thankful for- My paycheck (Oh yeah, friends & fam, too ;-))
From the kitchen- Tonight's dinner will be Shake n Bake Chicken, I think...I was going to grill, but seriously, after the drive home, I'm not going to want to set foot outside.
I am creating- *hopefully* some sort of photography backdrop...Sorta depends on whether or not Hubby buys the PVC pipe that I asked him to get.
I am wearing- jeans, a blouse and gym shoes...Pretty typical outfit for myself.
I am going- to the kitchen on the other side of the floor to make my lunch
I am reading- "Let Us Eat Cake" by Sharon Boorstin
I am hoping- that my company's president decides to sell. It'll force me to look for something new.
I am hearing- a couple programmers chatting and everyone else typing or clicking their mouse buttons.
Around the house- It's messy...And my husband is supposed to do the dishes...I'm betting they'll still be there when I get home.
One of my favorite things- Swimming and/or playing in the pool or beach
A few plans for the rest of the week- work, clean, work, suffocate in my car multiple times, spread some mulch around in the yard, take some photos, go to photography class, work
A picture to share- I'll have to edit and post this later. I have some from the thunderstorm last week that I haven't dumped off the cam yet.
Outside my window- The intersection of Busy and Busier...And a LOT of humidity. I'm happy right here, thankyouverymuch.
I am thinking- How horrible it's going to be to drive home...My AC's out and apparently the Heat Index is 105. Hopefully my fat ass doesn't pass out trying to drive home.
I am thankful for- My paycheck (Oh yeah, friends & fam, too ;-))
From the kitchen- Tonight's dinner will be Shake n Bake Chicken, I think...I was going to grill, but seriously, after the drive home, I'm not going to want to set foot outside.
I am creating- *hopefully* some sort of photography backdrop...Sorta depends on whether or not Hubby buys the PVC pipe that I asked him to get.
I am wearing- jeans, a blouse and gym shoes...Pretty typical outfit for myself.
I am going- to the kitchen on the other side of the floor to make my lunch
I am reading- "Let Us Eat Cake" by Sharon Boorstin
I am hoping- that my company's president decides to sell. It'll force me to look for something new.
I am hearing- a couple programmers chatting and everyone else typing or clicking their mouse buttons.
Around the house- It's messy...And my husband is supposed to do the dishes...I'm betting they'll still be there when I get home.
One of my favorite things- Swimming and/or playing in the pool or beach
A few plans for the rest of the week- work, clean, work, suffocate in my car multiple times, spread some mulch around in the yard, take some photos, go to photography class, work
A picture to share- I'll have to edit and post this later. I have some from the thunderstorm last week that I haven't dumped off the cam yet.
Friday, June 19, 2009
I'm so behind...
It's happening...My blog is slipping away from me. I can't believe we're more than halfway through June already. My unread blogroll is super long. I need to catch up.
Reasons why I'm slacking in the blog world:
Reasons why I'm slacking in the blog world:
- Work has actually been busy...I don't have time to spend half of my day reading/writing
- Sims 3 came out
- I've been feeling uninspired, in terms of photography. The only photos I've taken in the last two weeks have been in either in class or shortly after class, testing out what I'd learned that day
- I'm actually reading a book! Steph started a book club and we're reading "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. I'm about 75 or 80% done with it. It totally sucked me in. I dunno when we're getting together to discuss, but I'm excited for it!
- I'm feeling overwhelmed...When I get that way, rather than starting to make a dent in things, I just ignore them. Until I can't anymore.
- I've started Facebook stalking again. Gotta love FB...*eye roll* That stupid thing sucks me in for literally hours at a time!
That's all. Hopefully, I can catch up on everyone's posts and give you all some food for thought on my own blog.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Lost art of conversation
How does one forget how to hold a conversation?
Between the ages of 12 and 18, I spent literally hours on the phone after being in school all day. I'd call one friend after another. I'd sit in the front hall or in the back room office or in my bedroom and just blabber on about who knows what from the time I got home until the time we ate dinner and as soon as dinner & homework were done, I was back on the phone again until 9, when Dad hollered for me to get off the phone.
Now, 10 years later, when I try to have a conversation with people, I often find myself at a loss for things to say. I never have anything interesting to bring up and I have a difficult time coming up with responses to whatever story someone else is telling me. This problem seems to be accentuated when it comes to phone conversations. I always feel like a lame ass when I'm talking with someone and then there's this long pause.
I just don't know what to talk about. My life is completely uninteresting. Every day, it's the same damn thing, for the most part. I wake up, shower, and go to work. Once I'm at the office, I spend maybe 80% of the time working. The other 20% is spent doing my makeup before everyone else gets there or catching up on the blogs that I'm following while I eat my lunch or getting sucked into Facebook quizzes for that last hour of the day. Okay...Maybe it's more like 75/25. As soon as I hit that magic 8-hour mark, I pack up all my shit and drive home. Some days I hit the bank or the grocery store on the way home...ooooh...Exciting. When I get home, I make dinner, sometimes I do a little cleaning, I sit in front of my computer and then between 10 & 10:30, I go to bed. I turn on the Food Network and set the timer to turn off the tv in an hour. I drift off to sleep listening to Alton Brown or Mark Summers go on about one thing or another. And then five hours later, I start all over again.
What in the hell do I have to converse about? How the grass in my front yard is a total failure? (It is, btw. Hubby fertilized and seeded and I dunno what pattern he was going in, but it looks ridiculous. And it's so effing LONG! The man needs to get his shit together and mow the damn thing! I would totally take it over because I'm pretty sure I could do better, but then I would seriously be responsible for everything in this house. And fuck that. You can be in charge of one little postage-sized yard, ya doofus! /rant) But really, who the hell cares about that??? I guess that's really my problem because obviously when I have something to talk about, I can beat that horse til there's nothing left. But when I have nothing to say and no response to the other side of a conversation, I say nothing. I totally force the other person to carry the conversation. Which, is so completely backward from how I used to be. I think when I was younger, I had the opposite problem - I monopolized conversations.
How do I fix this problem? Other than going out and buying a life? Because I really don't think that I can do that. How do I try to hold up my end of the conversation? What do I talk about, when my life is as dull as it is?? Someone! Anyone! Help me out here!
PS. I'm having a better day today, if you couldn't tell. I'm trying not to wallow in the uncertainty of the whole Opa situation. He's beat cancer before, granted he's older now, but my negativity isn't going to help. I have to stay positive. I have to be hopeful that it's going to be okay, no matter what the outcome. So, I've only teared up a couple times today. Quite the improvement from yesterday.
Between the ages of 12 and 18, I spent literally hours on the phone after being in school all day. I'd call one friend after another. I'd sit in the front hall or in the back room office or in my bedroom and just blabber on about who knows what from the time I got home until the time we ate dinner and as soon as dinner & homework were done, I was back on the phone again until 9, when Dad hollered for me to get off the phone.
Now, 10 years later, when I try to have a conversation with people, I often find myself at a loss for things to say. I never have anything interesting to bring up and I have a difficult time coming up with responses to whatever story someone else is telling me. This problem seems to be accentuated when it comes to phone conversations. I always feel like a lame ass when I'm talking with someone and then there's this long pause.
I just don't know what to talk about. My life is completely uninteresting. Every day, it's the same damn thing, for the most part. I wake up, shower, and go to work. Once I'm at the office, I spend maybe 80% of the time working. The other 20% is spent doing my makeup before everyone else gets there or catching up on the blogs that I'm following while I eat my lunch or getting sucked into Facebook quizzes for that last hour of the day. Okay...Maybe it's more like 75/25. As soon as I hit that magic 8-hour mark, I pack up all my shit and drive home. Some days I hit the bank or the grocery store on the way home...ooooh...Exciting. When I get home, I make dinner, sometimes I do a little cleaning, I sit in front of my computer and then between 10 & 10:30, I go to bed. I turn on the Food Network and set the timer to turn off the tv in an hour. I drift off to sleep listening to Alton Brown or Mark Summers go on about one thing or another. And then five hours later, I start all over again.
What in the hell do I have to converse about? How the grass in my front yard is a total failure? (It is, btw. Hubby fertilized and seeded and I dunno what pattern he was going in, but it looks ridiculous. And it's so effing LONG! The man needs to get his shit together and mow the damn thing! I would totally take it over because I'm pretty sure I could do better, but then I would seriously be responsible for everything in this house. And fuck that. You can be in charge of one little postage-sized yard, ya doofus! /rant) But really, who the hell cares about that??? I guess that's really my problem because obviously when I have something to talk about, I can beat that horse til there's nothing left. But when I have nothing to say and no response to the other side of a conversation, I say nothing. I totally force the other person to carry the conversation. Which, is so completely backward from how I used to be. I think when I was younger, I had the opposite problem - I monopolized conversations.
How do I fix this problem? Other than going out and buying a life? Because I really don't think that I can do that. How do I try to hold up my end of the conversation? What do I talk about, when my life is as dull as it is?? Someone! Anyone! Help me out here!
PS. I'm having a better day today, if you couldn't tell. I'm trying not to wallow in the uncertainty of the whole Opa situation. He's beat cancer before, granted he's older now, but my negativity isn't going to help. I have to stay positive. I have to be hopeful that it's going to be okay, no matter what the outcome. So, I've only teared up a couple times today. Quite the improvement from yesterday.
Prince Charming snuck into my head last night...
In my last two years of college, I had a HUGE crush on a guy that I knew very little about. He was in the business frat on campus and I met him in my first semester while pledging my sorority. Once a semester, we had Greek Week. Every night of the week, there were events like kareoke, an obstacle course & tugs, in which each of the Greek organizations competed. At the end of the week, the winners got to hold their heads high and announce that they were the best and the losers had a 'punishment' that would take a whole separate blog post to explain. It wasn't anything terrible. Just more annoying than anything else.
Anyway, I met Wally during Greek Week. At the time, his 'big brother' was dating one of my soon-to-be sisters. I had to do an interview with her, and the guys just kinda hung out while that was going on. Wally was a charmer right off the bat. I don't remember his exact words, but it had something to do with my smile & being an angel. Wally's 'game' = corny, however, me = swoon. It was just the way he said things and that gorgeous smile and friendly demeanor. After talking with some friends that actually knew him, they confirmed that he was just an all around nice guy. And from what I heard, he was always getting the whole 'You're such a good friend' spiel. I instantly wanted to love him. I'm generally pretty outgoing when I have friends around to back me up. But when I'm in the presence of a guy that I'm attracted to, I become a wallflower. I can't find words, hell, I can't even make eye contact. I'm quite positive that Wally forgot all about me after that brief encounter.
The rest of that year, I saw him around every once in a while, but never talked. Just smiled at him and kept on walking. I mean, I was in a relationship. Wearing a five year old engagement ring on my finger. I wasn't really in any position to stop and try to get past my jitters for a little flirting action. That summer came & went and then in the fall, I didn't see him around anymore. I heard from a friend who knew every living person on campus that he'd gone to Europe for a semester. When he came back the following spring, I saw him on a pretty regular basis. That same friend and I would smoke together before one of our classes began and he started hanging out with us for this ten minute smoke break. She'd talk with him and I'd interject every once in a while. And as soon as he was gone, I'd melt. I think ALL of my sisters knew that I wanted to love Wally. As we continued to have our meetings, he shared that while he'd been on this trip to Europe, he'd fallen for a girl from...some other state...that was on the same exchange program that he was. They were planning on getting married and that spring, while I was pining over him, he was counting down the days til his wedding.
Last night, I had a dream about Wally. Intermingled with the cast from The Office. lol I had befriended a girl who was seeing him - apparently in my dream, he never got married. She and I became friends before I knew that they were dating. And in becoming friends, I confessed to her my crush on him. And then later in the dream, she tells me that they're kind of seeing one another. I told her I was happy for her and that she should have nothing to worry about with me. It's just a crush, and besides, I'm married. She gave me a sideways glance and was all 'Suuuuurrrre.'
In the dream, she and I were working side by side and Wally was on the other side of the room. At one point, I got up from my desk to go to another room, where all the Office people (namely Dwight) were working. As I was leaving the room, I heard Wally say something to the girl (I gave her the name Kate, when I woke up and was going over this whole thing in my head). He said 'Yeah, now that I look at her, she is quite beautiful.' I kept walking and immediately blushed. That's about where my dream ended. I woke up feeling like, man, if only I'd let him know I was interested before that Kate got in the way. lol
I don't know what he thought about me in real life. I don't know if he even knew that I existed. Like I said, I became Little Miss Tightlips whenever he was around. I do wonder sometimes how life would be different if I'd opened my mouth and said hello. Would I have ended up in the same place that I am now? Or would Prince Charming have swept me off my feet into a totally different life?
Don't misread this - I love my husband and I'm not looking for someone better to come along. We've got our issues, but what's important is that we love one another. We've made vows to one another and that's that. But sometimes, especially when Prince Charming creeps into my dreams, I like to wonder about what might have been.
Does anyone else do this? I mean, say you're content with your life. There are some things that you'd change, but not enough to be unhappy. Do you dream about what could have been if you'd made a different decision? Have any of you ever acted on that feeling of 'What if?' Share your juiciness!
Anyway, I met Wally during Greek Week. At the time, his 'big brother' was dating one of my soon-to-be sisters. I had to do an interview with her, and the guys just kinda hung out while that was going on. Wally was a charmer right off the bat. I don't remember his exact words, but it had something to do with my smile & being an angel. Wally's 'game' = corny, however, me = swoon. It was just the way he said things and that gorgeous smile and friendly demeanor. After talking with some friends that actually knew him, they confirmed that he was just an all around nice guy. And from what I heard, he was always getting the whole 'You're such a good friend' spiel. I instantly wanted to love him. I'm generally pretty outgoing when I have friends around to back me up. But when I'm in the presence of a guy that I'm attracted to, I become a wallflower. I can't find words, hell, I can't even make eye contact. I'm quite positive that Wally forgot all about me after that brief encounter.
The rest of that year, I saw him around every once in a while, but never talked. Just smiled at him and kept on walking. I mean, I was in a relationship. Wearing a five year old engagement ring on my finger. I wasn't really in any position to stop and try to get past my jitters for a little flirting action. That summer came & went and then in the fall, I didn't see him around anymore. I heard from a friend who knew every living person on campus that he'd gone to Europe for a semester. When he came back the following spring, I saw him on a pretty regular basis. That same friend and I would smoke together before one of our classes began and he started hanging out with us for this ten minute smoke break. She'd talk with him and I'd interject every once in a while. And as soon as he was gone, I'd melt. I think ALL of my sisters knew that I wanted to love Wally. As we continued to have our meetings, he shared that while he'd been on this trip to Europe, he'd fallen for a girl from...some other state...that was on the same exchange program that he was. They were planning on getting married and that spring, while I was pining over him, he was counting down the days til his wedding.
Last night, I had a dream about Wally. Intermingled with the cast from The Office. lol I had befriended a girl who was seeing him - apparently in my dream, he never got married. She and I became friends before I knew that they were dating. And in becoming friends, I confessed to her my crush on him. And then later in the dream, she tells me that they're kind of seeing one another. I told her I was happy for her and that she should have nothing to worry about with me. It's just a crush, and besides, I'm married. She gave me a sideways glance and was all 'Suuuuurrrre.'
In the dream, she and I were working side by side and Wally was on the other side of the room. At one point, I got up from my desk to go to another room, where all the Office people (namely Dwight) were working. As I was leaving the room, I heard Wally say something to the girl (I gave her the name Kate, when I woke up and was going over this whole thing in my head). He said 'Yeah, now that I look at her, she is quite beautiful.' I kept walking and immediately blushed. That's about where my dream ended. I woke up feeling like, man, if only I'd let him know I was interested before that Kate got in the way. lol
I don't know what he thought about me in real life. I don't know if he even knew that I existed. Like I said, I became Little Miss Tightlips whenever he was around. I do wonder sometimes how life would be different if I'd opened my mouth and said hello. Would I have ended up in the same place that I am now? Or would Prince Charming have swept me off my feet into a totally different life?
Don't misread this - I love my husband and I'm not looking for someone better to come along. We've got our issues, but what's important is that we love one another. We've made vows to one another and that's that. But sometimes, especially when Prince Charming creeps into my dreams, I like to wonder about what might have been.
Does anyone else do this? I mean, say you're content with your life. There are some things that you'd change, but not enough to be unhappy. Do you dream about what could have been if you'd made a different decision? Have any of you ever acted on that feeling of 'What if?' Share your juiciness!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I'm terrified...and exhausted
Uh, warning...This has weepy written all over it...
I feel like the majority of my life has been spent preparing myself for my mother's passing. Watching her for the last 20+ years and the steady decline kinda does that to a person. Soon after my mom was diagnosed with MS, her parents moved from the north burbs back down to the south burbs to be close to us and to do whatever they could to help out. For most of the life that I remember, Omi & Opa (grandma & grandpa in German) were less than a ten minute drive away, if not closer. They've been an enormous part of my life. They filled in the gaps where my parents couldn't. And I value the relationship that I have with them more than words can express.
My dad sent me a text on Saturday afternoon to tell me that Opa went into the hospital on Thursday. At first, I was more pissed at my dad than anything else. Why would he wait three days to tell me this? But that passed and I was more worried than anything else. Opa's been having some pain in his side/back for maybe a month or so, and the doctors decided that they wanted to run some tests. He can't take pain medications of any kind because they make him violently ill. So, his options are to be in pain or to be bent over the toilet. The docs felt that they could do these tests more easily and make him more comfortable if he were in the hospital, rather than at home. They admitted him on Thursday and apparently were running tests all weekend. He came home from the hospital yesterday with bad news. He has bone cancer.
We don't really have much more details than that. He's supposed to start radiation soon and that's about all I know. My grandmother is a very emotional person (geez, i wonder where I get it from...) and it's very difficult to get any information from her when she's upset. She gives this small snippet of info (bone cancer, radiation) and then breaks down, refusing to talk about it anymore.
My dad didn't call me to tell me this information last night. No, instead, he texts it to me while I'm at work today, but only because I texted and asked how Opa was doing first. I'm pissed at my dad, but that has to be put aside. So much more than that, I'm scared. Not having any info is horrible. I don't know if they've caught it early. I don't know what kind of bone cancer it is, though after doing some google research, I'm pretty sure I could guess. He's had cancer before, maybe 15 years ago, of the prostate. But I was young. I didn't know what it all meant and frankly, everyonetried to keep kept me in the dark. I knew that it was going on, but that was the extent of it. I'm sure my parents and g'parents were trying to protect me. Now, being some sort of an adult, they have to let me in. And now I know the severity of cancer. And what it means. And I don't know what to do. I don't know if knowing would make it any better. I mean, what if it's really bad? What if the reason that they're not doing surgery is not just that he's 87, but that it's not just in the bones, but is spreading? Then what? How would that be better?
All day, when I wasn't focusing on something else, or even when I was trying to focus on something else, all I think about is him. I keep pulling out all these memories of him from the back of my brain. Things that I had all but forgotten about. And it just makes me sad. In all that time preparing myself for my mom to go, I never thought about the natural progression of life. I never thought of Omi or Opa going first.
When I told Hubby that Opa was in the hospital, he didn't say much. I told him how I was sad about it and how I hadn't really considered it. And he pointed out the fact that Opa's had a good, long life. And he's right. Eighty seven years is a long time. He's been married to Omi for close to 60 years. They have a daughter & son and four granddaughters. He's had a great, successful life. But that doesn't make it any easier for the people that love him. That doesn't make me any less sad for myself. Hubby told me 'Wouldn't you rather see him go before he's beyond himself? Do you want him to be in pain?' Well, no. I definitely don't want to see him in pain. And I don't want him to be unhappy in any way. But again, that doesn't make me feel better. How terribly selfish that sounds.
Maybe Hubby has some insight that I don't. He's been through this before. Both of his grandparents and his dad passed away before we even started dating. They were all pretty young, and all died from various cancers. My other grandfather, on my dad's side, passed away 7 years ago. And I was sad when that happened. But for different reasons. I don't feel like I ever knew him. I was sad that we didn't have a closer relationship. I was sad for my dad and couldn't imagine how he felt. Aside from him, the closest losses I've had were a girl that we went to school with in junior high, a friend of the family in high school and Mel's Gram last summer.
Hell, I don't even know that he's dying. But bone cancer just sounds so...heavy. Anyway, please say a prayer, if you do that kind of thing. My tears have temporarily dried up, so I'm going to head outside to make dinner. I'm sorry if I've been Debbie Downer here tonight, but I needed to get it all out...
I feel like the majority of my life has been spent preparing myself for my mother's passing. Watching her for the last 20+ years and the steady decline kinda does that to a person. Soon after my mom was diagnosed with MS, her parents moved from the north burbs back down to the south burbs to be close to us and to do whatever they could to help out. For most of the life that I remember, Omi & Opa (grandma & grandpa in German) were less than a ten minute drive away, if not closer. They've been an enormous part of my life. They filled in the gaps where my parents couldn't. And I value the relationship that I have with them more than words can express.
My dad sent me a text on Saturday afternoon to tell me that Opa went into the hospital on Thursday. At first, I was more pissed at my dad than anything else. Why would he wait three days to tell me this? But that passed and I was more worried than anything else. Opa's been having some pain in his side/back for maybe a month or so, and the doctors decided that they wanted to run some tests. He can't take pain medications of any kind because they make him violently ill. So, his options are to be in pain or to be bent over the toilet. The docs felt that they could do these tests more easily and make him more comfortable if he were in the hospital, rather than at home. They admitted him on Thursday and apparently were running tests all weekend. He came home from the hospital yesterday with bad news. He has bone cancer.
We don't really have much more details than that. He's supposed to start radiation soon and that's about all I know. My grandmother is a very emotional person (geez, i wonder where I get it from...) and it's very difficult to get any information from her when she's upset. She gives this small snippet of info (bone cancer, radiation) and then breaks down, refusing to talk about it anymore.
My dad didn't call me to tell me this information last night. No, instead, he texts it to me while I'm at work today, but only because I texted and asked how Opa was doing first. I'm pissed at my dad, but that has to be put aside. So much more than that, I'm scared. Not having any info is horrible. I don't know if they've caught it early. I don't know what kind of bone cancer it is, though after doing some google research, I'm pretty sure I could guess. He's had cancer before, maybe 15 years ago, of the prostate. But I was young. I didn't know what it all meant and frankly, everyone
All day, when I wasn't focusing on something else, or even when I was trying to focus on something else, all I think about is him. I keep pulling out all these memories of him from the back of my brain. Things that I had all but forgotten about. And it just makes me sad. In all that time preparing myself for my mom to go, I never thought about the natural progression of life. I never thought of Omi or Opa going first.
When I told Hubby that Opa was in the hospital, he didn't say much. I told him how I was sad about it and how I hadn't really considered it. And he pointed out the fact that Opa's had a good, long life. And he's right. Eighty seven years is a long time. He's been married to Omi for close to 60 years. They have a daughter & son and four granddaughters. He's had a great, successful life. But that doesn't make it any easier for the people that love him. That doesn't make me any less sad for myself. Hubby told me 'Wouldn't you rather see him go before he's beyond himself? Do you want him to be in pain?' Well, no. I definitely don't want to see him in pain. And I don't want him to be unhappy in any way. But again, that doesn't make me feel better. How terribly selfish that sounds.
Maybe Hubby has some insight that I don't. He's been through this before. Both of his grandparents and his dad passed away before we even started dating. They were all pretty young, and all died from various cancers. My other grandfather, on my dad's side, passed away 7 years ago. And I was sad when that happened. But for different reasons. I don't feel like I ever knew him. I was sad that we didn't have a closer relationship. I was sad for my dad and couldn't imagine how he felt. Aside from him, the closest losses I've had were a girl that we went to school with in junior high, a friend of the family in high school and Mel's Gram last summer.
Hell, I don't even know that he's dying. But bone cancer just sounds so...heavy. Anyway, please say a prayer, if you do that kind of thing. My tears have temporarily dried up, so I'm going to head outside to make dinner. I'm sorry if I've been Debbie Downer here tonight, but I needed to get it all out...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Bad night...
Geez, was tonight a bad night for Hubby & me. We used to have nights like these every night. Where I couldn't wait for him to leave and then as soon as he was gone, I was hysterical. I'd go through cycles of feeling sorry for myself, to despising him, to a sense of calmness. I'd yell at him, though he wasn't there. I'd sob. I'd undoubtedly end up with a headache at the end of it all. After about an hour of that, I'd get to feeling...I'm not sure the word. Not guilty, but...just like I wanted some sort of resolution. So, I'd call him (most of the time, these fights end with him leaving for work or hanging up on me) and try to apologize and smooth everything over. Sometimes, it would work, most of the time, it wouldn't and we'd just go on being irritated with one another.
And then about six months ago, we finally had it out. In our own ways. We had another one of these nights where he ranted and raved about how unhappy he was. And he didn't hold anything back. He laid it all out on the table. And as much as I was feeling the same way, I didn't want to own up to that, but I did want to make sure that we fixed the problem. A couple days later, as I was driving to work, I told him how I was feeling and that while my feelings were related to the lack of intimacy and feeling loved, the outcome was the same, that I was very unhappy. We were stuck in this downward spiral, he was pissed because he felt like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, so he was slacking on his. And vice versa.
After these two conversations, we both started making an effort to make things better. And they have been. So much much better.
And then tonight we had one of our old arguments again. It was over something that isn't trivial in the present, but in the big picture, it's really stupid. One of the lessons that my dad taught me early on in life is to pick and choose your battles. I'm really laid back and I pretty much let things roll off my back. It takes a lot to really get me to a point where I'm ready to put up my dukes (figuratively...I've never once literally put em up).
But once Hubby gets going, there's no stopping him. One little thing, on top of another, on top of another...They all just snowball and he starts nit picking. You bought the wrong cleaning solution. You need to take the cat to the vet. You always give me the same two things in my lunch. I want something other than ham. There's a pile of papers on the table. The sky is blue... And after a while, I stop listening. I can only take so much before I start feeling sorry for myself and tune him out. And that's when he decides that he's going to leave because 'what's the point in staying here, talking to the wall?' I hate when he leaves like this because I can't stand to leave this feeling of uneasiness in the air.
In the past, this was where things were left until the next day, when we'd start all over again. So, you can see how the frustration just continued to build and build until we got to a point where we weren't really even speaking. We'd be in a room together all weekend and only speak when we absolutely had to.
Tonight was different though. He stormed out of here like always, and then ten minutes later, he called and ...
apologized.
Wait. I need to read that again.
In the almost ten years we've been together, there haven't been many apologies from him. Especially not for things like this. Sure, he's apologized for the really big things that he did to wrong me. And he's said he was sorry for the little things that don't matter. But something like this, where a confession that he blew something out of proportion or that he's taking out his bad mood on me, those have been very few and far between. It was nice that he did. I didn't get the message until a half hour after he'd left it, which made it better. I called him back and he reaffirmed that he was partially in the wrong. I thanked him and assured him that I heard what he was upset with me about.
I think that's how an argument is supposed to happen. At the end of it, everyone's supposed to have a mutual understanding of what the problem was and how we can fix it. And that should be the end of it. It shouldn't carry on to the next day or the next argument. I'm rambling. The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm glad that it ended the way that it did and I still love my husband and everything's going to be okay.
And then about six months ago, we finally had it out. In our own ways. We had another one of these nights where he ranted and raved about how unhappy he was. And he didn't hold anything back. He laid it all out on the table. And as much as I was feeling the same way, I didn't want to own up to that, but I did want to make sure that we fixed the problem. A couple days later, as I was driving to work, I told him how I was feeling and that while my feelings were related to the lack of intimacy and feeling loved, the outcome was the same, that I was very unhappy. We were stuck in this downward spiral, he was pissed because he felt like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, so he was slacking on his. And vice versa.
After these two conversations, we both started making an effort to make things better. And they have been. So much much better.
And then tonight we had one of our old arguments again. It was over something that isn't trivial in the present, but in the big picture, it's really stupid. One of the lessons that my dad taught me early on in life is to pick and choose your battles. I'm really laid back and I pretty much let things roll off my back. It takes a lot to really get me to a point where I'm ready to put up my dukes (figuratively...I've never once literally put em up).
But once Hubby gets going, there's no stopping him. One little thing, on top of another, on top of another...They all just snowball and he starts nit picking. You bought the wrong cleaning solution. You need to take the cat to the vet. You always give me the same two things in my lunch. I want something other than ham. There's a pile of papers on the table. The sky is blue... And after a while, I stop listening. I can only take so much before I start feeling sorry for myself and tune him out. And that's when he decides that he's going to leave because 'what's the point in staying here, talking to the wall?' I hate when he leaves like this because I can't stand to leave this feeling of uneasiness in the air.
In the past, this was where things were left until the next day, when we'd start all over again. So, you can see how the frustration just continued to build and build until we got to a point where we weren't really even speaking. We'd be in a room together all weekend and only speak when we absolutely had to.
Tonight was different though. He stormed out of here like always, and then ten minutes later, he called and ...
apologized.
Wait. I need to read that again.
In the almost ten years we've been together, there haven't been many apologies from him. Especially not for things like this. Sure, he's apologized for the really big things that he did to wrong me. And he's said he was sorry for the little things that don't matter. But something like this, where a confession that he blew something out of proportion or that he's taking out his bad mood on me, those have been very few and far between. It was nice that he did. I didn't get the message until a half hour after he'd left it, which made it better. I called him back and he reaffirmed that he was partially in the wrong. I thanked him and assured him that I heard what he was upset with me about.
I think that's how an argument is supposed to happen. At the end of it, everyone's supposed to have a mutual understanding of what the problem was and how we can fix it. And that should be the end of it. It shouldn't carry on to the next day or the next argument. I'm rambling. The point that I'm trying to make is that I'm glad that it ended the way that it did and I still love my husband and everything's going to be okay.
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