So, I found out today that another one of my sorority sisters is pregnant. That makes three (that I know of) that are currently prego and two more that just had babies in the last year. Seriously? WTF Man?
So, to make myself feel better, I decided to try to come up with reasons why I'm glad I'm not prego:
- I can drink a whole bottle of wine tonight to drown my sorrows
- I don't have to go out and try to find maternity clothes for my already large body
- I can spend money on
myself, my husband and my catsa new ac compressor, rather than diapers and formula - I...theoretically can sleep through the night in whatever position I find comfortable
- I......can't come up with anything else.
Yeah, that list is short. And shitty. Here's my other list, which trumps the one above a million times over.
Reasons why I'm NOT glad that I'm not prego:
- I want a family.
Ugh.
Today, my friend and I went to lunch together. She's a pretty skinny minnie and a nice girl, I'd say she's one of my closest friends right now. She's taking a nutrition class, required for the nursing program that she's trying to get into. And this nutrition class is killing me. Every time she has class, the next day, she comes back telling me about how many calories she should be eating and how she's way over that number. And how her body fat % (or some shit like that) is just below where it should be. And how to lose weight, you just need to reduce your calorie intake and increase your exercise.
Girl, I've been fat my whole life. Do you think this is news to me? Do you think if it was as easy as putting down the gallon of ice cream and running around the block, don't you think I'd do that? For 25 years, I've been steadily getting fatter. Every time I try to lose weight, I do okay in the beginning and then I fall off the proverbial wagon. Despite my above statement, I don't sit in front of the tv with a bucket of ice cream for days on end. I think I eat okay - not the best, but it's not like I go to McDonalds for every meal. My biggest problem with food is portions. I make something that I like and I eat way too much of it.
And with exercise...Ew. I hate sweat. JB (my friend from work) asked me if I wanted to go outside to the nearby park for lunch today. I looked at her like she was insane and responded with a definite no. She said to me 'But it's so nice out. It's not as humid.' I replied with 'Let me remind you. I get to hang out with the 90 degree weather on my drive home every day. I sweat buckets just sitting there. I have no desire to come back to work after that.' And she tells me that sweating is good for you and that she, in fact, likes to sweat. Let me reiterate...Sweat = ew. I feel gross and smelly and once you go back inside and it dries, then I feel all grimey. Ew. No thank you. She conceded. We went to Ditka's and had Tuna Nicoise Salads. Pretty yummy, although if she hadn't been lecturing me about losing weight discussing her nutrition class with me, I would've ordered the chicken parm.
This rant about weight and food and exercise is related to the original topic. Majorly. Three reasons. 1. We don't have a lot of sex. I don't feel attractive anymore (I'm at my heaviest right now) and Hubby is far too engrossed in his game to notice when I try to initiate. 2. When we do have sex, who in Jehovah knows if I'm ovulating. My period's all wonky (related to my weight). 3. Even if we were having sex regularly or when I'm supposedly ovulating, it's terribly difficult for someone of my size to get pregnant.
So, anyway, I'm feeling a little boo hoo about it. I'm feeling angry about it. I'm feeling ... I dunno. I wish I could say inspired, but I feel the opposite. When I think about losing weight, I think about how much weight there is for me to lose and I'm discouraged. There's this GIGANTIC mountain in front of me and all I can think about is how hard it's going to be to get to the top. How absolutely impossible it looks. I think of all the sweating and how many times I'm going to fall down and the exhaustion that will go along with it. And I don't even take the first step. I'm just content to sit here at the bottom and wait for my jetpack to instantly appear on my back and take me to the top.
I don't know what I need to motivate myself. I don't know how to look at the mountain and say okay, there's a rock about 10% of the way to the top. Get to the rock. And then look for the next rock. And the next. I want to make it to the top. Hell, I'd be thrilled with myself if I could make it halfway or even 25% of the way up the mountain. I quite obviously know what needs to be done, I just can't find it in myself to do it.
I want it to be easy.
I want it all to be easy. Losing weight. Getting pregnant. Paying the bills. Getting the car fixed. Work. Life.
Grow up.
I'm rambling and the inner voices are starting to come out. Looks like it's time to put this incoherent mess to rest. Maybe the lesson here is that easy isn't always best. Sometimes, you really do have to work for what it is that you so desperately want in your life...
I was getting very unhappy with my weight about a year or so ago. Right after me and the Ex broke up. I was terribly fat.
ReplyDeleteI didnt look at it as losing weight. I didnt even have that in my mind. First thing I did was try to change the way I eat. I decided that fast food was only going to be a meal once a month (since the New BF came around, its more often then id like, but oh well.) Eating bad food should be the first thing to go.
Then I changed the portions of my food. try to leave something on your plate every meal. dont order large, order the medium size. Once you get used to it, its easy. Your not hungry anymore.
My ma has always been heavier. When we went to Vegas, she decided to eat like me for the week. And she lost weight!! AFter only a few days.
I dont like to exercise at all. Im not athlete. Instead, I just work my muscels. While Im getting ready for work ill do squats or something. (no ones around to see) or ill flex my calfs while watching tv. tv time is good for your kegels too!! lol.
The trick is to not think about it as losing weight. Think about it as eating healthier or have smarter portion control. Which is all Weight Watchers says. My gma is a proud memeber and worker of WW.
Ive lived with weight issues my whole life. My gma is skinny and thinks all her girls need to be skinny too.
good luck! And remember its not losing weight, its eating better. The weight will fall off if you just make smart eating choices.