Joy...And envy...

This week's You Capture topic over at I Should Be Folding Laundry is Joy. I didn't take any photos for this week's challenge. I kept on trying to think of things that really bring me joy, and I was at a loss. That's not to say that I don't have things that make me happy...Spending time with friends, cooking/eating a nice meal, hanging out with Hubby, playing WoW (sometimes), having a clean house...They all make me happy, but I just can't come up with anything that really makes me feel joyous. I haven't looked at any of the other posters' photos, but I have a feeling that many of their ideas of joy will be photos of their beautiful children with huge smiles... Which, as of late, has the exact opposite effect on me.

Unfortunately, so much of my time is spent feeling envious. A good majority of the blogs that I read (and really ENJOY) are written by women that are mothers. I found out this weekend that two of my sorority sisters are pregnant. I feel like every time I turn around, someone else is having a baby. And I feel so ... jealous. I want to be happy for everyone. And I am. And I wish them all the best. But at the same time, I can't help this feeling of why not me? I know I have time (though not as much as I'd like). And as an old friend put it 'good things are worth the wait.' But haven't you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? And you just sit and watch so many others around you that have been blessed with this amazing gift?

Hubby says he's not ready. I don't believe him. He were trying two years ago. He made the announcement to our families that we were going to start trying to get pregnant. And then I don't know what happened. Maybe he came to his senses. Or maybe he freaked out. Or...I don't know...

It's not like we're using any kind of protection. I've been off the pill since we got married. He's never used anything. I try to keep track of my cycle, and Lord knows that when I think I'm ovulating, I make the first move. But it's obviously not enough. I don't know if the problem is with me - For a long time, my periods were very irregular. I saw a doctor about a year ago, who gave me a prescription which got me back on track. But I never went back to the doc. I don't know if I'm actually ovulating. And then Hubby...Like I said, he doesn't use any protection. But he does have this habit that's said to lower a man's sperm count...

I'm almost two weeks late. I was quite sick on Tuesday - stayed home from work. I was kind of excited and really should've waited, but I peed on the stick anyway. It came back negative. So, am I just stressing myself out, thinking about it all the time, and that's what's causing me to be late? Maybe the test was wrong? (Insert wishful thinking here) Yesterday, when I came in to work, I was talking about it with my girlfriend in the office, and she went and googled signs of pregnancy. She was asking which symptoms I was experiencing. Some I had, others I didn't.

I just want this so badly. I hate feeling so envious. I keep trying to tell myself that in time, it will happen. Just keep on keeping on and you'll get there. My parents were 30 when they had me, so I guess I have time. But I'm tired of waiting.