It's going to get a little Church-ey in here...

When Hubby and I purchased our home, I knew that I was going to feel lonely. We don't really know anyone near us. I have a coworker that lives in the next town over and my aunt and uncle live maybe 20 minutes from here. But I'm not that close to the coworker or the family, so that leaves me feeling a bit secluded. For quite a while now, I've been coming to terms with the fact that it's just not so easy for me to make friends anymore. I'm not sure what that's about and it really sorta hurts my feelings. I'm not sure if it's me - am I not likable? I do find myself being much more shy than I can ever remember being. And my husband doesn't really help. He's very anti-social, most of the time. He prefers to stay at home with his computer than to go out and meet people. So I'm on my own.

Not counting our wedding, I've only been to mass once in probably five years. It's not because of some boycott of the Church or ill feelings about the state of Catholicism (though, there are some of those). It's simply because I was either too lazy or Hubby didn't want me to go. His reason for wanting me to skip it was not because he's against the Church, but because he has major jealousy issues. He fears that I'm going to meet some wonderful Church-going man and leave him. *insert eye-roll* If I was going to cheat/leave him, it certainly wouldn't be with someone that I met at church! lol If anything, I would think he'd be pleased that I want to go to mass. Put some God-fearing in this woman! ;-)

Really, though, I needed to find a way to meet people, so I don't feel so alone. And I really do miss feeling like I have a connection to my religion. I used to be so active in the Church when I was younger. I went with my parents to mass every Sunday, I participated and tried SO HARD to make our Youth Group an active one, I *sorta* taught CCD (Meem really taught the classes. I was just there as backup...And I liked to color with the kids), I enjoyed going to a Catholic high school. When I went to college, I lost all of it...I just sorta walked away from it. I'm not sure if it was Hubby's anti-church persuasion or if it was because I was just too lazy to get out of bed on Sunday morning. I'm not sure what it was. I just didn't do it anymore. And I feel like I'm missing something in my life.

When we moved here, I started looking for churches that were nearby. I came up with a list of about five churches and intended to go to a mass at each one to determine where I felt I best fit in. I wanted a church that has an active youth group. I wanted a church where I felt the pastor really cared about everyone - not just those who made the biggest monetary difference or the ones that had been there the longest. I wanted a place that felt like home when I was there. And an active choir would be nice, too. My coworker that lives nearby told me on Monday that she'd had her newborn baptized last weekend and she told me about the church that they'd done it at, which is about 15 minutes from my house. I made up my mind that I wanted to check it out, so first I looked on the internet at their website. It's an old church, but a young congregation. There's a junior high and high school youth group, that seems to be very active. The high schoolers even have a summer retreat that they go to in July, much like I did when I was that age. Oh, and the choir is open to all. I was very hopeful and went to mass yesterday.

As a kid, we always went to the 8am mass. And I always thought it was such a bummer to have to get up so early on the weekend. So I skipped the early mass and went to the 10:30. I arrived around 10:10 and there were only a handful of cars in the parking lot. I sat in the car and watched young families and older couples started trickling in. After five minutes, I decided to get inside and find my seat. I always dislike going to a new mass...I worry that I'm going to take someone's regular spot. But I suppose that's the brakes, right? So, I walk up to the door and there's three older ladies walking up. I always love the grandmas. They always have something nice to say and seem to appreciate the little things, like me holding the door for them.

I follow the three ladies into the church and I'm immediately blown away. The building looks fairly small from the outside. Nothing really fancy about it. Just a regular old church building with some stained glass windows and a steeple. But it is amazing on the inside. It is fairly small, in comparison to the church I grew up in, but it is beautiful. High, arched ceilings and little details on the walls. The altar is gorgeous. I wish that I'd brought my camera to mass with me...I would've loved to take some photos of how beautiful it is.

As I sat, looking around, the choir began to sing. It's nothing like the choir at my old church, which is made up of mostly old women and a couple men, most of which really can't carry a tune. I tried to join a couple times and just felt out of place. And overpowered. This choir was fantastic. Wonderful harmonies and a cantor whose voice just wouldn't quit. It sounded like they had some real direction...They mostly sang songs that I was not familiar with, but that was okay because I just wanted to listen.

As we got closer to the start of mass, more and more people were filing in. I was sort of taken by how many people were there. And then about 5 minutes before mass started, there was a rush of moms and schoolage children who'd just come from the Sunday CCD classes. I thought to myself, how are all of these people going to fit in here? And they just kept coming. The only times I'd ever seen St L (the church I grew up and was married in) that packed was on Christmas or Easter. The ushers actually had to find people seats. This wasn't any special Holy Day or anything. This was just regular Sunday mass. I was squished between two dads in their early forties, and I had to shuffle my purse around all throughout the mass, just so we'd all fit comfortably in the row, but I didn't care. It was so nice to be there with all these other people. To know that we were all there for one reason.

*Disclaimer...It's going to get a little Church-ey here.*
Mass began and I went through all the responses, etc. It's funny...You'd think you might forget what you're supposed to say or when you're supposed to stand or kneel. But you don't. I fell back into it like I'd been going all along. The first reading was basically the list of the ten commandments. I've been thinking about how I need some guidance and could use an owner's manual on how to live my life. It was nice to have a little reminder. And then the gospel reading was the story about Jesus' disciples and all the folks in the Temple, making it more of a marketplace than a place of worship. Again, another nice one to hear. It's funny how you hear these readings so many times and don't come to appreciate them until after you haven't heard them in a while.

When I was younger, I hated the homily. The priests were always so long-winded and I never could follow them. How does what you're talking about relate to the readings? How am I supposed to apply this to my own life? Most of the time, I'd spend the homily looking at the bulletin and counting down the minutes til I could get out of there. Yesterday, I sat and listened. I felt like he was talking to me. He told a story of how a man came to a church and parked in the first available spot and as he was getting out of the car, someone else pulled in next to him and said 'That's where I normally park! You took my place!' And then the man goes into the church and has a seat and someone else comes up to him and says 'This is where I normally sit! You took my place!' So the man gets up and lets them have their seat. Father Joe goes on to explain that later in the mass, the man reveals himself as Jesus and that he did take all of our places. He died so that we could have life eternal. I just found it so poignant that Father Joe would relay this story on my first time back to church in years. Like I said, I felt like he was speaking to me. He continued his sermon by talking about how there are so many parishoners that do not come to mass and that no matter what he does, these people just aren't going to come. He said that someone at a previous mass had come to him and said 'Father, you're preaching to the choir! We do come to mass!' and he responded by telling that person that the people that already come should be the ones to spread the Word and invite those that do not. At that moment, I felt like I wanted to speak to him after mass and let him know how touched I felt by his story, and that he wasn't only preaching to the choir, but to someone who'd strayed a long time ago.

Mass continued and I found myself comparing this new church to St L in many different ways. And not saying 'This church is so much better.' But instead, I thought 'This is what St L was at one time. It was warm and inviting. It was young and old, at the same time. It was active and important.' I get choked up at the idea. I know to some people, it's only a church. But to me, it was and is so much more. It's a way to connect with other people who believe something similar to me. It's a way to be a part of something so much bigger than I am.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience. I'm so proud of myself for taking this first step. I didn't speak with the pastor after mass, but that's just because I'm a chickenshit. Maybe next weekend, I can step a little further out of my comfort zone and introduce myself. And maybe the following week, I can say hello to the the choir cantor...And maybe talk to him about joining. Baby steps, but ones that I'm so incredibly excited to take.