Dear Mom,

To my readers: this is a letter that I intend to give to my mom. I talked about doing this on Monday.

Dear Mom,

I'm writing you this letter for a number of reasons. I have always felt like I had a difficult time expressing myself when it comes to communicating face to face. I always seem to be better organized and actually able to get my point across when I put things down on paper (I should be honest - you know I'm typing it...It's what I do. :-)). I must get this from you - Daddy never seems to have this problem. He always seems to know the right things to say.

I'm writing this letter to you because I've realized that there's a lot of things that I feel and say to other people that I've never outwardly expressed to you. I tell you all the time that I love you, and I mean it so very much. But I don't think I've ever told you how inspirational you are to me. Or how proud you make me. Or how thankful I am every time I see you and spend time with you. I've never apologized for all of the shitty things that I did when I was a teenger. I've never acknowledged all that you've given up for me. And I've never told you how sorry I am that MS has taken so much from you.

I don't tell you these things because, frankly, I don't know how. It's much easier to just be happy to hang out together when I come visit than it is to tell you everything I'm feeling. I feel like there's only so much time, and I don't want to spend it crying. I don't want to upset you. I want you to be happy that I'm there and happy to see me, rather than

Whenever I've had a friend that asked about MS, I tried my best to explain it, and have always ended my story with something along the lines of 'Yes, it sucks. MS is a bitch. But you have to try to find the silver lining. And my silver lining is that as a kid, I always had someone waiting for me. I never had to worry about having a house key and being alone at night because I knew my mom would be there. My silver lining is that I have an incredible relationship with my grandparents that I absolutely cherish. And I think had it not been for the MS, they wouldn't have moved back to the south burbs. And they would've just been my mom's parents, who I saw on holidays. My silver lining is that while I watched so many of my friends' parents get divorced, mine stayed together. The love that they have for one another is like none that I've ever seen.'

I'm not trying to make light of it, or make it seem like we're better off because of the MS. I know there have been times where you felt like you let me down because you weren't physically able to do something. That stupid rollerskating party with the girlscouts. Yeah, I was bummed about it, but the only reason I still remember that event is because of how upset you were that you couldn't take me there.

That being said, I'm not writing to tell you how I think I'm like you, but to tell you the ways in which I hope to be like you. In the simple things, like your creativity. The beautiful quilts that you've made and the painted wood pieces that you've done. The clothing that you used to sew (even though I didn't appreciate it at the time).

But even more importantly, I can only hope that I can be half as strong as you've been in your life. I often feel like I am a weak person. I give up easily and take the easy road because I'm not willing to put in the effort. But I look at you, and the things that you've struggled with, and I feel like I should push myself harder. You haven't had an easy life, why should I feel like everything should just be handed to me?

It's very important to me that you know how proud of you I am. And what an inspiration to me you are. I know that you've made many, many sacrifices for me. And I know that I wasn't always the best about showing you the appreciation you deserved.

I want to apologize to you. There were many times that I took advantage of you and the situation. I thought I had all the answers and I always turned to Daddy when I wanted something. When I look back now, I don't think I was a bad kid, but I don't think I was a great kid, either. There are so many things and ways that I could have been better. I'm so sorry if I've let you down. I hope you know that I never meant to disappoint you and Dad when I screwed up in college. I didn't know what I wanted to do and I was scared. Rather than try to figure it all out, I just quit. Again, I took the easy road.