Where does it even come from??

Last night, I had another dream about my cousin.  I thought I'd posted about her before, but I can't find it, so I'll just give a little back story.  My uncle (Dad's bro) was married and had four kids.  His wife (from our perspective) turned out to be a money-hungry, lying, brain-washing bitch.  She & my uncle tried to work things out for a number of years, but it just wasn't going to happen.  So, they began divorce proceedings and he moved out of the house that he lived in with her and his kids and moved in with my parents & me.  Over the years, as things with my uncle and his wife continued to get worse, my cousins stopped coming around for family gatherings, which was very sad for me because I always looked forward to playing with them.  The oldest was a year younger than me and the youngest was 10 years younger than me.  We weren't best friends, but I always got a kick out of getting to hang out with them. 

My sophomore year in high school, the oldest of my cousins was a freshman at the same school.  She and I would pass in the hall and smile & wave or say hi.  But when my uncle moved in with us, it was like my cousin lost all recognition of who I was.  She didn't even look at me when we passed in the halls.  It stung, but there wasn't anything I could do about it.  We weren't best buddies and, frankly, I thought that one day she'd come back around.  My senior year, her younger sister was a freshman and she was more likely to give me a wave, but still didn't come around for family functions.  I really began to feel like I'd lost a chunk of my family.

A few years later, the younger of the two girls came back to the family.  She got in contact with her dad again and made an effort to become a part of our lives.  I didn't know the whole story and it really wasn't my business, I was just glad that she had come back around.  The youngest of the cousins had always stayed in contact with us because my uncle had shared custody - she'd come every other weekend and one night a week.  So, two of my four cousins were back.  I could only hope that the other two would do the same in time.

But it's more than 10 years later, and still the oldest girl and the boy don't acknowledge our family.  I've tried to friend them both on Facebook and my requests go ignored.  I don't know what their father could have possibly done to cause them such hatred.  The girl got married a couple years ago and not only was our family not invited to the wedding, but her dad wasn't even invited.  She had her mom walk her down the aisle.  He's such a kind man (a tad annoying at times, but clearly loves his children and always wanted the best for them).  I don't understand how they could just disown him in the way that they have.  But that's the decision that they've made.  I don't know why it all bothers me so much, but it definitely always has.

That being said, I don't think about them nonstop.  Every once in a while, I'll see a pic on the facebook wall of one of the other two or a comment or something and it makes me wish that they were a part of my life.  But now and then, I have dreams about the girl.  And last night was one of those nights...

I dreamt that we were having a family party and we were sitting down to watch a movie or something.  I was sitting in a chair and my cousin was actually there and sat down on the floor in front of my chair and leaned her head back on my knee.  After a few minutes, I told her how happy I was that she was there.  She got angry at this, got up and told me that she only came because her therapist told her that it would be good to do.  She did it and now she was leaving. 

I was shocked.  I sat in dismay for a moment and then went chasing after her.  We were outside the house and she was just so mad.  I told her how I missed having her in our family and how I saw the relationship that she had with Lina (cousin on her mom's side) and was so envious of that.  She started crying and began telling me about how her mom would never let her leave.  That all of the money she ever made ended up going to her mother.  I held her while she cried and told her that it'd be okay. 

And then I woke up, sad that I knew such an event would never take place.  I don't know how or why she gets into my head sometimes.  Usually, I don't interact with her in my dreams.  She's normally in the distance and I want so badly to say something to her, but am afraid she'll ignore me or reject me.  Just typing out my recollection of the dream brings tears to my eyes. 

Anyway, this was more for me to get things off my chest and stop it from replaying in my brain.  I have some super exciting news (not about me - my BFF), so I'll have to sit down and focus on that sometime this weekend!

Thirty Days - Day Ten

A photo of me taken over ten years ago

I couldn't pick just one...I love embarrassing myself with old pics.  Especially when other people are included in them.  :-)

First, a picture from 1996, so that puts me us in 8th grade.  I'm on the left with my big bushy eye brows and sticker on my cheek.  And on the right is Melissa, giving me the evil eye.  You love me.  I promise.  Not sure what the dirty look was for that day.  Geez, we look like such babies!

This picture was taken in the basement of the Catholic grade school I went to for 7th & 8th grade.  The basement was used for many different functions - lunch room during the week, meeting space for after masses, a place to pick up your market day orders, and the place where we had our weekly music classes (Side note - to this day, when I hear "La Cucaracha", I still remember the two of us convincing Mrs. K that we should sing it in class...Despite the fact that NONE of us spoke Spanish!  lol!!).

This second picture is from Prom, my senior year.  What a difference four years can make on some eyebrows, right???  lol  I went from one ridiculous extreme to the other.  I'm glad to say, they've settled at a more normal place and size nowadays.  :-)

About a month before prom, my boyfriend of two years and I called it quits.  I didn't know what I was going to do about prom.  It was the first dance in years that I actually had to worry about finding a date for.  The guy that I went with, Tim, was a good friend and such a nice guy.  He asked me before I could make the mistake of going with my ex "for old times' sake".  I'm fairly certain that Tim would have liked to become an item, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to realize what a wonderful boyfriend Tim would've made.  I haven't had much contact with him since I graduated, but I'm sure that he's continued being a nice guy and is making his wifey a happy girl. 

Thirty Days - Day Nine

Pet Peeves

I don't know where this pet peeve comes from, but somewhere along the way, I became a spelling/grammar bitch.  Nothing irritates me more than seeing misspellings and incorrect uses of words like their/they're/there.  Come on!  Why is it so hard to remember how these words work?  And with all of the spell checking tools that we have, why do I still see things spelled wrong? 

I'm my job, I have a lot of correspondence that happens through emails.  You'd think at a professional level, people would click the spell check button.  But no, they don't.  I have become the proofreader in my office.  Any time an official document is sent to a customer, they ask me to read it over and correct any spelling or grammatical mistakes.  Well, thank Geebus for that!  Someone's gotta do it!

Thirty Days - Day Eight

Something I Crave

Man, oh man...The timing couldn't be better on this one.  With Lent beginning today, I'm trying to decide on something to give up.  If I do the same thing I did last year, I'll be craving Mountain Dew in 40 days, that's for damn sure.

Most of the women I know crave chocolate.  Like 24/7.  I do not.  I'm one of those strange people that if chocolate ceased to exist right now, I probably wouldn't notice too much.  Don't get me wrong.  I'll gladly enjoy a Dark Chocolate Milky Way or a brownie topped with ice cream and hot fudge.  But it's not something that I need to survive.  :-)

No, the thing that I crave everyday, all day is CARBS!  No wonder I'm as fat as I am.  I blame it all on the noodles.  Seriously, though.  My favorite foods are all chock full of carbohydrates.  Pasta, bread, rice, potatoes.  Don't get any crazy ideas, though.  Absolutely No Way I could give up carbs for Lent.  That would be insanity. 

Thirty Days - Day Seven

A Favorite Photo


I thought about sharing a photo from my wedding.  Eh.
I thought about sharing a photo of my kitties, but that just lends itself to the crazy cat lady thing that I have going on.
I thought about sharing a photo of my girls because they're amazing and I don't know what I'd do without them, but I don't have one of all of us together.

So, I've decided to share a pic of myself.  I was loving my makeup & hair on Friday, so I did a real not so quick vanity shoot at work before everyone got to the office.  My eyes are always squinty in pics of me because I smile too big.  I consciously opened my eyes wide and minimized the smile and love the pic that I produced.  I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

Steven Tyler PJ's!!!

So, I've decided to watch American Idol this season.  I don't know why.  I haven't watched a full season of the show since Jordin Sparks won.  I was rather irritated that she won and Blake didn't.  I think that was the season of Sanjaya, too, which was beyond ridiculous.  It was also the same season that I actually knew a person who'd auditioned...And Boy, that was a bit of a catastrophe... Anyway, it's been a few years and I decided to follow this season.  I'm really liking some of the talent, and actually voted for a few of the guys on Monday night.  I didn't actually watch the girls last night, so I couldn't vote, but I did check them out on YouTube this morning.

But before I get into my favs for the season, I'd just like to announce that I am officially in love with Steven Tyler!  I've always liked Aerosmith, but never really had any strong feelings about them, other than they made pretty good music.  And then Steven Tyler shows up on my tv, saying crazy funny shit and LOOKING AWESOME!  How does a man that's older than my parents look that good?  Don't answer that.  It was rhetorical.  The point is that I heart him and I'm super glad that he's judging this season.

J-Lo is okay, although, her crying and brief pout party about not putting Chris Medina through peeved me a bit.  Sure, I would've loved to see the Oak Forest resident go through to the top 24, and I really thought he was quite talented, but that's the way these things go.  J-Lo was outvoted by the other two judges.  Get over it.  And while I'm on the topic, is it just me or did it seem like every time she had to tell someone they weren't going through, she had to throw Randy and my new husband under the bus?  'I would've liked to see you go through, but I was outvoted.  I'm so sorry.'  Bleh.  Whatev, Jenny from the Block.

Randy is Randy and I don't feel like talking about him.  If he's going to fill Simon's shoes, he needs to step it up, already.  Nuff Said.

Now for my favorites!!!

If I could pick a winner right here and now, it'd be Scotty McCreery.  I think he has a fantastic voice, he's picked some of my favorite songs and I think he's a good guy.  He definitely seems much older than his 17 years.



My second choice, despite his distinctly Amish look, is Casey Abrams.  He has a different style than most of the Idol folks have in the past, and I really love it.  He is a great performer.



And third choice is Paul McDonald.  He sang some other tunes in Hollywood week and I thought he sounded remarkably like Rod Stewart.  And then look whose song he belted out on Tuesday night.  Yep, good ol' Rod.  Again, I think he has a quirky, unique sound and I hope he goes far.  I liked all three of these guys on Facebook Wednesday morning and it didn't look like Paul had as many followers as the other two, but I'm still holding out for him.



Other favorites, in order - no videos posted because I figured you're probably not going to watch the four that I did post.  Why bother posting four more...
Lauren Alaina
Haley Reinhart
Brett Lowenstern
Naima Adedapo

And just a side note...I LOVED this one chick - Emily Anne Reed - who was cut early on in Hollywood week, but I really, really love her voice.  And the style of music that she sings.  I You-Tubed her for about an hour this morning, listening to all of the songs she has posted.  I really hope there is a CD in her future, because I would SO buy download it.

30 Days - Day Six

A fun fact about me

My dream job is an event planner.  I love all the details that are involved.  I like focusing on all the small things that people may not think about, but really help to make an event fun.  I like having a list of things that need to be accomplished, and I get a real feeling of satisfaction as I check off items on that list.  Planning my wedding was a bit stressful, but I really did enjoy doing it and would love to help other women to plan theirs.  The research that goes into something like that is fun for me, too.  My latest planning ventures have been a fun reunion dinner with some old friends from high school and my best friend's baby shower last month.  But even just planning a dinner with my girlfriends or the details of the family Christmas party - it all is super fun to me!

30 Days - Day Five

A Favorite Quote

Ordinarily, I would use one that expresses happiness like 'Don't frown - you never know who is falling in love with your smile'.  Or one that helps me to try and keep my over-emotional brain in balance like 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.'  Those two have always been a couple of my favorites, and I really do like them.  I am generally a positive person and I think smiles are great things.  They can brighten your own or someone else's day.  They can be a defense mechanism for when you're feeling down or frightened.  I like smiles. 

HOWEVER!

In the last week or so, I heard the same quote from three different sources...Makes me wonder if God or the universe isn't trying to tell me something. 

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

So, for days now, this thought has been running through my head.  And I keep thinking about how insane I really must be.  lol  Really, though.  I keep on doing the same shit over and over again, and I'm hoping that one day, it will be different.  That eventually, I'll get the outcome that I want.

Duh.  Try a different tactic, Dummy.

So, yesterday, I started a new tactic.  I have to be diligent and stay on this path.  Hopefully, it will lead to different results.