He hears me...

But I don't know if he understands me.

Each weekend seems to be a different "discussion." Last weekend, it was the baby discussion. I really tried to stress to him how important this is to me. That the whole baby making process is not going to be easy for us. We're both overweight and quickly heading to our 30's. Now is the time.

Hubby talks a lot about "CJ." CJ is what we will name our first son. Hubby talks about him on a regular, probably daily, basis. Things that we will and won't do with/for/to him. But there's this huge issue...In order for CJ to come to fruition, we have to have sex. And recently, Hubby has decided that sex is too much like "work" to be bothered. He basically said he can get the same end result in 5 minutes time, without having to get all sweaty and tired. Dude, really? Way to make your wife feel good about herself. I tried to talk about the whole thing with him. He says he agrees, now is the time. But I don't see him making any efforts to change things.

So, this weekend, the "discussion" was about spending time together. I feel like I have a roommate, not a husband. He sits upstairs, playing video games and doing whatever he's doing all weekend. I go downstairs and watch tv and cook and clean and go out for this reason or that reason. When he's hungry, he comes down to the kitchen, finds some food and takes it all back up to the office with him. Now that he's working 2nd shift, he stays up later than I do and sleeps later than I do.

Yesterday, I told him that I would like for us to spend some quality time together. I tried explaining to him that just because we're in the house together at the same time, that doesn't make it time spent together. I tried to tell him that sleeping next to one another doesn't count. I told him that I don't like feeling like we just exist in the same place. I told him I'm not happy about it. That I feel like at the very least, he should be able to pull himself away from the game and eat a meal with me. I cook the dinner and he comes and gets a plate and then takes it back upstairs. I'm left to clean everything up and eat alone. It just sucks. I feel like it shouldn't be this way. His response is that this is how his parents were. He tries to tell me that my parents & grandparents didn't have "quality" time together, either. That they all did their own thing. Yes, you do your own things, but then at some point, you get together and enjoy one another's company. I mean, otherwise, what the hell is the point? He doesn't see a problem with it. He thinks that this is perfectly normal and okay and I'm supposed to "outgrow" this need for anything more than cohabitation.

He thinks the problem is that I need him to give more attention. And he's right. But he doesn't give it to me in the way that I want and need. He thinks wrestling with me for ten minutes before going to sleep counts as paying attention to me. He thinks waking me up when he gets home (an hour or two after I've already gone to sleep) and talking at me about his day for a half hour is enough.

He wasn't always this way...We used to do things. We used to go places together. See a movie, go out for dinner, go camping, drive around, watch tv, play games. Now, it's like we have nothing in common anymore. I try to suggest things that we could do together, and he shoots each one of them down.

I just keep asking myself, What are we doing? What are we waiting for? What am I waiting for?

WooHoo!!!

I updated my photo blog, FotoJenic, today! The last update I did was way back in August...I was feeling like being a bit productive today, I guess! Go check it out! Tell me what you think! :-D

Well, I'll be darned!

I should do this every Saturday morning...Plop myself down in front of the computer and catch up on the blogs that I really enjoy reading. Share a little bit of what's going on with me. Enjoy the quiet of the morning. It's not really early, but Hubby's still sleeping and the cats aren't fighting and the tv isn't on yet. It's just me and the clickity click of my keyboard. It's a nice feeling...

Anyway, in my catching up on some blogs, I found out that I've been given an award! Yay me! :-)

Thank you, Dark Cloud Nine for the award. I appreciate the recognition and the sentiment behind it!

As an awardee, I am to share 15 other blogs that I feel deserve the award. Fifteen might be a challenge...I recently cleaned out my blog list. There were a lot of blogs that I had on my list that I just didn't feel interested in. Have you heard of taking "friendventory"? I guess you can say, I took "blogventory." I'll get as close to 15 as I can, how's that? :-) Some don't update as often as they should (sorta like me, I guess)...But they're still definitely worth reading.

Ashley's Closet
It Happens
Love Letters By Cora
Sticks and Stones
The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know
When I Grow Up
Everyday Adventures
I Should Be Folding Laundry
488 Miles Away
Primary Source

Two Nights in a Row?

Sometimes I like to share my dreams with you...Once upon a time, Melissa and I were going to dream interpretations as a science fair project. We were convinced by our teacher that it wasn't the best idea, so we never did it, but I've always been fascinated by dreams and what they mean, if anything.

Occasionally, I'll have a dream of a hunky guy wanting to love me. Or of a bad guy trying to break into my home. The other night, I dreamt I was on a school bus, on a super busy road and there was an accident up ahead. The driver didn't react quickly enough, and he lost control of the bus. He warned us to brace ourselves and in the dream, I immediately started saying the 'Our Father.' I said it loudly to drown out the sounds of panic around me and as I was saying the prayer, it was almost like I was in some Heavenly state...I think I thought that I was dying in the dream. Anyway, I woke up in a panic. It seems that whenever I have a "bad dream," I startle myself awake. And then I'm immediately freaked out that it was something in real life that startled me. My immeditae fear is that someone's in the house. So, I lay there silently, not moving. Waiting to see if I hear something again. If the cats are nearby, I'll look to them to gauge myself. If they're not freaked out, I can generally assume that things are okay.

Anyway, after having the bus dream, I went back to sleep and had another dream that started out quite pleasant. I was at a mall or something, and I'm hanging out with Sawyer from Lost.

Let me just go on a bit of a tangent here... he is the most gorgeous man alive...Those dimples and the body and the voice...holy hell...He is my picture of excellence. Rough and tough on the outside, southern accent, comedic value. And then on the inside, total heart of gold. He's a little damaged, but who the hell cares? I want to love him. And I'm so super sad that after this season of Lost, my dear beautiful Sawyer will cease to exist. Josh Holloway, you better find an equally wonderful, regular role on a show where I can adore you some more. /tangent

So, me and Sawyer, we're chillin at the book store or something. And he turns to me and looks into my eyes and asks me if I'll go out for ice cream with him. Um, hello? You're Sawyer! Of course, I will. We set up a date and I go home to deal with everyday life with Hubby. And then some "friend" of mine calls me from the bookstore - she's there with Sawyer now - and she tells me that I shouldn't go on this date. How could I cheat on my husband? This isn't right. She's begging me not to go. In response, I tell her to go pound sand. This is the man of my dreams. I am NOT turning him down, no matter what!! Then, while she still has me on the phone, she turns to Sawyer and says 'I'll pay you $xx not to do this.' I'm furious with her! And while this is all going on over the phone, as I put a dish in the sink, I notice something leaking from the ceiling. I look up, just in time to watch like a bucket full of liquid bust through the ceiling into the kitchen. I'm no longer on the phone, and now I'm shouting up to Hubby to bring his ass downstairs and, as usual, he tells me 'I'm playing the game right now. I can't come down there at this minute.' And then I wake up.

So...Basically, Mr. Hotness wants me. There's some guilt about screwing around on Hubby. And then the house gets damaged.

I had another dream tonight that followed a very similar pattern, but wasn't quite the same.

Sawyer was at my house this time. Doing things to me & with me that I will not go into detail about. A girl has to keep some things to herself. ;-) Anyway, we have ourselves a nice time and then his personality transforms...He's no longer the southern charmer that I've grown to love, but he becomes Hubby in Sawyer's body. Essentially, he becomes a bit of an asshole. I roll my eyes and go into the bathroom to pee, and find that a hole has been punched through the bathroom wall and another hole in the bathroom floor. I ask him what happened and he gives me some bullshit excuse, like he can't be bothered with it.

What the hell does this mean???

I dunno, I'll take the damages to my house if I can get some serious loving from Sawyer. Sometimes, you have to compromise, ya know? :-)

Four Year Itch...

I want to get a tattoo...Badly. I have a couple already, which I'd say are relatively small in comparison to what I want to do now.

I got my first one a few months before turning 21. The place where I had it done was owned by a friend of Hubby's mom's boyfriend, so I guess they gave me a break, not being "of age" and all. Hubby was getting a new piercing at the time and as I waited, I looked at the pictures on the wall, thinking it would be cool to have a caricature of my black cat Bubba. The tat guy said that he could do it, I should just bring in a picture. Hubby talked me out of bringing in the pic and told me that I should just have them do one of the ones in the book. So that's what I did. I have a grey kitty, batting a ball of yarn on my left shoulder. It is cute. And I was very happy with the work that was done. But now, 8 years later, I wish that I would've had the caricature done afterall. It would've been more meaningful.

The second tat that I had done was almost four years ago and has a lot more significance. I was finished with all of my college classes, and graduation was a week away. I decided that I wanted to do something to remember my good times in the sorority. So, I got CheerBear (the pink carebear with a rainbow on her tummy - CheerBear was the nickname that I was given when I became a sister) and she's painting my sorority letters on my right calf. I came with this idea, rather than just picking something that was up on the wall. It has a lot more meaning to me than the first one.

So, for the new one!!! Shortly after Opa passed away, I thought that I wanted to get a tat in memory of him. At first, I had the idea of having a black & grey portrait of him done. I have an old photo of him as a young man and I thought it might be a nice tribute. So I began looking online for artists in the area that specifically do portraits. For something like that, I think it's incredibly important to find someone that is REALLY good at this. I would hate to have such an important tattoo done poorly. To look at a permanent piece of art that doesn't look exactly like my Opa...That would be horrible. So, I started to let the idea go and knew that I would come up with something sooner or later.

At Christmas, Omi & I had a moment of sadness, remembering Opa's love for cardinals, his friend Jose. One day, it just hit me. I should get a cardinal! But I wasn't sure how I wanted to have it done. Initially, I thought I'd do a cartoon-y version of the red bird. My standard "cute" choice. But as I thought about it more, I decided I wanted it to be more realistic. It's a memorial, not just some cute little birdy. I want beautiful, not cute. So, I began looking for images of cardinals, photos that I could draw some inspiration from. And then I just happened across a photo of a tat on a girl that was a bird in a tree branch. It was just incredible. Sooo...Here's a small compilation of my inspiration...

This is the photo that just completely grabbed me. I don't want it in the same place on my body, but only because my body looks nothing like that. :-) And the bird will be a cardinal. And I haven't yet decided on the type of tree...I'm thinking either a cherry tree or a magnolia.

This is the placement and about the size that I'd like the whole tat. It would be a branch, not the whole tree, so that I could accomodate the placement of the bird.

The rest are various images that I like and could be helpful...I really like this specific cardinal. Sometimes, they can look mean. But I don't get that from this guy. He just looks like a nice guy trying to stay warm.

A literal photo of what I'd like, complete with cherry blossoms:

Magnolia blossoms:

I'm having a difficult time deciding which type of flower/tree I'd like. I thought maybe if looked up the symbolism associated with each, that might make it easier for me...

Cherry Blossoms: In Japan, cherry blossoms symbolize the transience of life because of their short blooming times.

Magnolias: associated with nobility, perseverance and love of nature.

I think both flowers have appropriate sentiments behind them...Thoughts? Any artists out there want to take a stab at drawing this for me? I'd definitely pay for your work.

Hello, Friends!

Well, it seems that things at work have slowed down for a moment. I'm sure I could be testing something or investigating some bug or something productive like that, but I'm just not feeling it today. As much as I complain when it's busy, the time sure does go by much more quickly than it does when there's nothing to do. I've been watching the clock all day. One more hour to go. I keep asking myself what could I do to pass the time. Decided a post to catch everyone up on me would be a good start. :-)

I finally decided on a church. I've been going to St. Catherine's since the end of January. A couple weeks ago, I decided that while it's not aesthetically what I had in mind, they have a fantastic choir and I find myself becoming comfortable there. So, I called and registered as a parishioner. The woman that I spoke with tried to convince me that I should go to one of the churches that are closer to me, but I told her that I'd been to mass at both and prefer St. Catherine's. You'd think they'd be glad to get the additional income, however small it may be, right? I dunno. Apparently, you're supposed to stay with your most local parish. I said no and she went ahead an took my info. Al most two weeks later, I received a welcome letter (which also mentioned that I live too far away and should I try to register my hypothetical children to go to school there, the children that live closer would get preference. Good thing there are no school age children in my house, huh?), along with my tithing envelopes and a book that has a number of prayers and Catholic traditions explained in it. I went to mass Saturday afternoon and, of course, forgot my envelope. Oh well, next week, they'll know that I'm making my contribution.

A couple weeks ago, I got a pretty nasty cold from the girl that waxed my eyebrows. It's been fun. Started with congestion and a sore throat. Progressed into PINK EYE...In BOTH eyes... That has gone away, and now I'm back to being stuffy and the cough has begun its course. It's really been a joy. And my husband swears that he's a doctor without the education (or the paycheck). He always has suggestions of what's going to make me feel better. Tells me not to take this or to take that. He always has the answers, ya know? :-P I just nod and roll my eyes after he goes away.

Speaking of Hubby, he's permanantly back on 3rd shift. Two weeks ago, his boss asked him to work 3rd for a week and a half. Today, he was supposed to go back to 1st. Then Hubby comes home from work last Thursday and tells me that he's on 3rd for good. I'm so bummed! I really liked having him on 1st shift. Not that we spent a lot of time together, but it was nice to not be alone at night. And we'd eat dinner together a few times a week. And I'd get to go to bed good and early, since he had to get up at 4:30, he was in bed by 8:30 every night. It's not just the weeknights, either. The weekends are funky because he doesn't like to get his schedule out of whack. So he stays up most of the night and then naps during the day all weekend. Stinks! However, I'm not complaining because at least he still has a job!

The future of my job is still up in the air. The deal is now supposed to be done at the end of April. It keeps on getting extended. Which is just fine with me. The longer it drags out, the longer things stay the same. Perhaps that's a bad attitude to have, but I just feel like I have more security this way. I have updated my resume, but I haven't sent it to anyone or applied anywhere, yet. I am just terrified of the whole interviewing process. Ack.

I have an appointment to finally have my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday. It was supposed to happen Tuesday of last week, but I had the stink eye and they made it very clear that I was not to come in if I had a cough or cold of any kind. I'm hoping that everything's broken up and I'm doing better by Thursday afternoon. If not, I'll have to reschedule again. Yes, I'm super scared about it. But I just want to get it over and done with. Have a few days of drug-induced stupor, eating mashed potatoes, pudding & sorbet...And then get on with my life. Rather than having this scary-ass "surgery" looming in the future. I have put it off long enough. I had a week or two there where I was in a lot of pain. Something must have gotten knocked aloose and the broken tooth was really being a bitch. That pain has since gone away, so that's good. But I can't delay the inevitable much longer. Besides, I won't have dental anymore after this deal goes through at work, so the sooner, the better.

Valentine's Day weekend was my sorority formal. A handful of my girlfriends and I decided to leave our men at home. It was nice to not have to keep my husband entertained for the night, but it was also a bit of a bummer because I had to drive BFF & me back home. She didn't drink and would've been fine to drive us home, but when there aren't any men to drive us home, the women all have to be responsible. It's no fun to get drunk when no one else is, ya know? But it was nice to have dinner and dance with the girls. I was super excited about my dress up until I got there and saw what everyone else had worn. My dress was pretty simple - bright turquoise, long, spaghetti straps with a little beading in a starburst kind of pattern that started on my hip. But everyone else had more like cocktail dresses...less like prom dresses. If I go next year, I'll definitely take that into account when shopping. I felt a bit out of place. There were a few girls with long dresses like mine, but we were definitely the minority. So...For your viewing pleasure, here are some pics from the dance. Please excuse my hair...It was flipping hot in that place and my bangs were washed that morning...They didn't last very long. :-P

Me & BFF @ my house before we left. We did NOT plan to have matching dresses. I convinced her to go with me a week before the dance and she borrowed the dress from her sister. What can I say, the girl has great taste!!

Black & Blue! :-)

Some Alumni Ladies

Just a few of the Girls