Christmas Just Isn't What It Used to Be, and then some

Today was Christmas at my parents' house. It was not the best holiday gathering...Not a bad one, just a definite sense of sadness in the air. Hubby and I sat in the living room, chatting with my dad for a bit when we first arrived. After while, he helped her out of bed and we all sat by the Christmas tree, opening our gifts. We all tried to remain light hearted, but Omi was definitely having a difficult time. Little things set her off, and seeing the pain that she was feeling, just made my heart ache.

The last gift that was exchanged was a teeny, tiny little Cardinal ornament from my dad to my mom. My mom and grandparents are pretty avid bird watchers. Opa did everything that he could think of to set up bird feeders where my mom could see the birds from inside the house. He used to call cardinals 'Jose,' after a Cubs player from the 70's whose name was Jose Cardenal. As Omi unwrapped the ornament for my mom, she said 'Look at the cardinal, Jose.' And it just brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was a reminder of Opa and the fact that he wasn't physically there with us. I looked away and tried to swallow it. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned back around, hoping no one had noticed. It's Christmas, I don't want to upset anyone, and we were all doing okay....But as Omi showed me the ornament, she looked in my eyes and we both just broke down. We hugged for a few minutes and both tried to compose ourselves. I went outside to get some fresh air and just struggled to get ahold of myself.

I just miss him more than I could ever imagine. Everyone told me that the holidays would be hard, but I didn't know. Each "event" is just harder than I could have guessed. Not having him with us, thinking about how he wasn't there to appreciate something as small as a cardinal ornament...When I stepped outside, Hubby followed me and asked if there was some significance to the ornament. He didn't understand why Omi and I would fall apart because of a bird. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he gets it. I mean, he does. He knows what it's like to have that first holiday without a loved one. But...I don't know. He just deals with loss differently than I do. He's a much more realistic, logical person; whereas I am emotional and feeling. I guess that's part of the difference between men and women.

We moved on from gifts and meltdown mode and had a nice dinner together (my husband, choking the food down the whole time...lol I thought everything was excellent, but Hubby is a bit pickier than I). After dinner, we packed up our things and headed toward home.

Santa (and by Santa, I mostly mean my father) was very good to us this year. He purchased Hubby and I each a $500 bond. It's his way of kinda forcing us to start saving some money. It's good. We need to. He also got me a new flash for my camera and a new book for Hubby to listen to. Omi gave us a Christmas quilt (I will take a pic once I get it on my bed!), along with some baked goodies, a few other hand sewn items (potholders, coasters and pillow cases), some cash and a beautiful windchime that I can't wait to hang outside when the weather gets a bit nicer.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer. I really don't like feeling so low. This is a time to be happy and be with the people that you love. I guess it does make me realize how you truly have to appreciate the time that we DO have with our loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Hug and kiss them and make sure that there's no doubt. Cherish your time. Reach out to the people you love who you might not see or talk to as often as you'd like.

Let me change gears, so I can stop blubbering and end on a happier note...What do you have planned for tonight???? Any big parties??? I sure hope so!

We don't have any plans for tonight. Hubby might stay up til midnight playing his game and I think I'll try and lose myself in a movie or two.

What about resolutions? Do you make them? If so, do you stick to them???

I've never really been one for resolutions. Mostly because I know I won't stick to them. My resolutions always seem to be centered around changing some habit that is deeply ingrained. Let's be honest, huh? Those are not things that I can change overnight. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow morning and be a different person.

But I need something. A motivator. So here are my resolutions for the new year and hopefully for good:

1. I really, truly want to get back to Church. I went to mass one time, had this emotional, heart-lifting experience, and then I never went back. I hate doing things alone. I'm very self conscious. Hubby won't go with me and I don't know anyone here. I think our neighbors go to mass on Sundays. And probably to the church that I went to that one time. I intend to go to mass this Sunday. Maybe Tom & ....his wife whose name I can't remember... will be there.

2. I need to get better about monitoring my blood sugar levels. I'm "pre-diabetic"...Whatever that means. I think it was just a way of allowing me to get insurance, without saying that I'm diabetic. I take a mini shit-ton of medications to monitor my glucose levels. Last time I saw the doc, she gave me a new monitor and said that she could write a prescription for the testing supplies, so that I don't have to pay full price. So, I start testing and then stop like a week later. Why? Because I'm lazy? Or maybe because I don't like seeing the levels higher than they should be. I know that's a terrible reason. It's unhealthy and irresponsible. Hence, it's on my list of resolutions.

3. I NEED to lose weight. I think Hubby is FINALLY on board the baby train with me. But if it's going to happen, I need to grow up. I need to lose a least a little bit of weight. I'm never going to be thin or even just slightly overweight. I'm always going to be fat. I've never really had a major issue with that. But a little less fat might help things happen. JB from work recently told me that she joined a gym and she just does laps in the basketball court, rather than walking on the treadmill. Maybe I'll give that a shot?

I think that's it for my list. Three is plenty. I think the first two will be far less challenging than the last one. I'd like to find a buddy to keep me in line. Someone to meet me at the gym and help hold me accountable.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. And I hope that I will not have such a heavy heart for Christmas 2010. I wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year!!!

Time flies...

I can't believe it's already been a month since my last post. Time just gets away from me. Especially at this time of year.

Facebook just suggested a friend for me. Someone that I've been sorta looking for for a while now. I did a little creeping on his page. And it makes me wonder how life could have been...

This guy...What shall I call him? Buckle. lol If you knew him back in the day, you'd know why I'm giving him this name. Anyway, he was the older brother of one of my classmates. We got to know one another through a church group and I developed a crush on him in my freshman year of high school (Seriously...I think it'd be easier to count the guys that I didn't have a crush on...). We had a bit of a flirty relationship. He was SUCH a nice guy.

I don't remember what the occasion was, but we were at our church's grade school and Buckle, his brother and I were all hanging out on the playground. Mel was probably there at some point, too. Although I could be lying about that. Buckle and I had been flirting a whole bunch and he offered to drive me home, so my dad wouldn't have to drive out to get me. I had a backback or something, which I'd put in his trunk. When we got to my house, he got out of the car with me to get my bag and kissed me there in the driveway.

I don't know why that relationship never went anywhere. I really liked him a lot. And I got the distinct signal that he felt the same way. I think we talked on the phone a couple times, but that was it. Never a date. Never anything more than that one kiss.

I thought that I'd heard that he'd gotten married a few years ago. And I have to admit that I had a moment of disappointment when I heard that. But now Facebook tells me that he's single.

Not that I'm planning on going anywhere. And frankly, things with my husband are pretty good right now. I think the last year has been the happiest that we've been with one another for a long time. But seeing this old friend show up on FB, it stirs up that thought of 'What if...?' I think on more occasions than I'd like to admit, I find myself thinking about how different my life might have been if I'd made one decision differently.

Oh well. 'What if' will never get me anywhere. Life is what it is, right?

I'm here...

Here being at my job...But that's about all they can expect from me today. lol

The majority of our customers are in Canada, and since their Thanksgiving is on a different day than ours, we are required to have people in the office today. That being said...I'm not planning on actually doing much today. If an emergency arises, and I'm forced to do some work, I will do it. If not, I will continue to do nix. I could have taken today off, but I would've had to use vacation time. And really, what would I have been doing at home? Not what I should be doing, as I so perfectly demonstrated yesterday.

We didn't do Thanksgiving yesterday. I made Hamburger Helper with ground turkey for dinner. We spent the day as if it were any Saturday. With the exception of the mass amounts of texts that I sent and received, wishing a Happy Turkey Day to the recipients. I confess, I didn't even call the parents. *hanging head in shame*

I kept meaning to call, but before I realized it, it was 9pm and time to go to bed (and argue with Hubby, apparently). Dad was having Loopy (his mother) over for linner. I'm sure his hands were full between her and Mom. Loopy pretty much doesn't recognize anyone anymore. She is thin as a rail and mostly lives in her own head. Dad recently moved her to a retirement community that is less than five minutes from the house. He's had her in a couple different places, but the most recent one bumped up her rent and it was just getting to be too much. And frankly, my dad is the one that sees her the most often and takes care of her the most, so she should be convenient for him to go to.

Anyway, we stayed home yesterday because Hubby threw a fit when I suggested that we drive down to visit for the day. He whined about how he just wanted a weekend where he didn't have do anything (which is total bullshit...He does nothing every weekend). He said he wanted to save the gas money that we'd use to drive the hour and a half down there and back. I gave in, because when we have this argument about Christmas, at least I'll have Turkey Day to cite as a reason why he can't have his way again.

After the argument about not going to see my family, I suggested that we have his mother and her boyfriend over to our house this weekend. She decided to work the holiday (double time, man. If it was offered to me, I would've done it, too!), so we're having them over on Sunday. I'm rather excited to cook for them. Everytime we've had them over in the past, we either had spaghetti (the traditional Italian meal) or we've gone out. So, I think this is the first time I've actually cooked a meal for her.

I'm going to go to the grocery store this afternoon after work and I'm hoping I can get a good deal on some of the traditional Thanksgiving goodies, since it's the day after and I'm sure the stores are going to want to try to get rid of all the extras. I'm going to make a turkey breast (yeah, I'm not going to make a big ass bird just for the four of us. Even if I want leftovers, I have no desire to deal with the neck and insides and YUCK! I'll just get a big breast, tyvm.), Mashed Taters, Sausage & Apple Stuffing, Gravy & Brussel Sprouts - all the things that I LOVE! lol

I found a recipe for 'Night Before' mashed potatoes, which sound a lot like what Omi does, you end up baking them for like an hour before the meal. I've already made the stuffing once and it turned out excellent. I think I'll just steam the sprouts. Mother-in-law's boyf doesn't like sprouts...Thinking I might make some green beans or something for him. Or maybe he just doesn't get a veggie. lol

I need to clean tomorrow...I should have cleaned yesterday, but sat in front of my computer all day, instead. I have a slight addiction to the Sims 3. The game is fun, but the thing that I like doing most is building houses. I find floor plans online for these incredible houses and then try to recreate them in the game. Building and furnishing one house can eat up an entire day. Yeah, I do have a problem, but whatev. It's better than the old habit (WHICH I STOPPED 3 WEEKS AGO ALREADY!!! I could probably start sending out my resume now, without having to worry about that...yay!).

Oh, and I need to put up all my Christmas decorations. This was another task that I had planned to do yesterday and just didn't. First, it was Hubby's fault because he wouldn't get the shit out for me. And then it was my own fault, because, like I said, I have a problem. lol

Anyway, I'm all over the place with this blog. Just wanted to purge some thoughts. :-) I'll try to take some pics of the food that I make this weekend.

Friday Fill-In

Yes, I slacked on the memes this week. It really was a rather hellish week. But it's just about done and I've declared today the day of doing very little work. We FINALLY (HOORAY!!!!) closed on the refi last night. My mortgage payment is not due until January 1st and it's about $300 less than the last one. I am a happy girl. In celebration, I'm doing a meme. :-) You should do it, too. Click the pretty lil button.

Go there, damnit.

:-)



1. We need more national holidays, like Canada. I swear you Canadians get at least one paid holiday a month. I'm just asking 'Why not me?'
2. I shared the bottom of my breakfast cereal milk with Bubba (the fat cat) this morning and it made me smile.
3. If you want holiday photos of your kids and/or family, and live in the Chicagoland area, let me know! I'll be happy to do it for free!
4. I want a new job because I feel unappreciated and am bored with my current one.
5. Massachusetts has a proposed 5% sales tax on elective cosmetic surgery; I think that's a great idea and they should implement it all over the place. You should have to pay a little bit extra to have your boobs enlarged or your nose to look like MJ's.
6. Family, friends and happy decorations (especially the pretty lights!) make for a happy holiday.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to taco Thursday on Friday, tomorrow my plans include getting the H1N1 shot, grocery shopping and chillaxin' and Sunday, I want to do some cooking!

Cryin' for Me

Today is two months since one of the most influential and incredible people in my life passed away. I still can't quite grasp the concept that he's no longer with us. The first thought that came into my head when my dad told me that Opa had passed away was 'Who will carve the turkey on Thanksgiving?' and that was enough to make the world come crashing down around me.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love getting together with family that I haven't seen in a while. I love most of the traditional Turkey Day foods. I love listening to all the same stories that I hear year after year, reminiscing about years past. I don't think my family's going to do Thanksgiving this year. My mom doesn't eat anymore, Opa's not with us. My dad and Omi would be making some huge feast for four of us. I just don't think it's going to happen. We'll probably go see Hubby's family for the holiday. Which would be okay. I guess it'll be a nice relief that we don't have to eat twice. But I'm just very sad about the whole thing. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my dad will have his brother and his daughter over. Maybe Omi will invite Opa's sister. We'll see.

Last night, on my way home from a very long day at work, I heard this song on the radio and couldn't control myself. It just says everything that I have been feeling. I'm not cryin 'cause I feel so sorry for you, I'm cryin' for me.

Toby Keith More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos

Deadline? What is that?

Sometimes, I could just strangle certain people. I'm not the best with deadlines...In high school and college, I would often wait until the last minute on projects and papers. My excuse was that I found that if I was given an extended period of time to work on something like that, I always felt like there was plenty of time to work on it. "I'll get to it later. Why bother now, I have six weeks to work on this 20 page paper. No biggie." I always ended up waiting until there was a week (or less) left and then I'd whip something up, even if it meant staying up all night the night before it was due.

Whatever. I got it done. ON TIME.

And I'm still a bit like that. When it comes to work, I kinda slack for a while and then when I see a deadline coming up, then I plow through like crazy. But I always get my shit done on time.

Unless I'm waiting for someone else.

And then I'm fucked.

Like tonight! I have a release that's scheduled to go out today. We (as in I) set this date over three weeks ago. We set a cut off date for last Thursday. This means that the programmers should complete all of their changes by that date. It allows JB and me just under a week to test all of the fixes that have been applied to make sure that everything is working correctly, as well as go through a set of standard tests - just making sure the stardard transactions go through as expected. This extra week also allows for any overlap, just in case the programmers can't get their code in right on time. Or to fix any errors that JB and I hit in our testing.

We have one programmer who is on the non-core team with JB and me. He is a great programmer. Very smart and quick to jump on random bugs when we send them out. HOWEVER, when it comes to new features, he doesn't do a very good juob of testing his own shit. Which always ends with JB and I waiting until the very last minute to get all of his crap tested. And because he doesn't do much testing on his own, there's usually a lot of bugs. And he just doesn't seem to grasp the concept of the deadline. Not only did he not have his stuff all done by last Thursday - he didn't have it all done until this morning at 9am!!! It takes almost two hours for the code to compile. And then I start testing it. And SURPRISE! There's bugs all over it.

Since JB has class tonight, I'm the lucky girl who gets to stay late and wait for everything to finish. I just love working until 7 or later, driving home for an hour and then coming back at 7am (WE FINALLY GOT APPROVED FOR THE REFI! WE"RE CLOSING TOMORROW AFTERNOON!!!!).

I just feel like every time we have a release going out, I end up taking it up the ass. And I feel like I'm just supposed to smile and say thank you. It just sucks.

On the plus side, I won't have to take vacay for the two hours that I was at the doctor yesterday. Yippee!

Thank you for listening/reading my rant/bitch session.

The End. :-)

Monday, Monday...

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day moving files around from one computer to another and burning other files onto DVD's, so make room for more files from the other computer. It was a very productive day, even though it probably looked like I just sat around in my pj's, playing on the computer all day.

I accomplished most of the items on my to-do list this weekend. I'm rather proud of myself.