Yesterday, I explained the catalyst to my new life. Today, the first BIG change that I knew had to be made, but was terrified of making for many many years.
I thought I told this story once upon a time in the old blog, but I can't find it, so I'll give the short version here and now....I met my husband when I was 16. We met through a mutual friend at a high school football game. At the time, I was dating someone else, so I was content to be friends with him, but he wanted more. I gave him my phone number and he called me all the time. So much so that I began referring to him as a stalker and would ask my dad and grandma to tell him that I wasn't home when he would call the house.
Two years later, I've just graduated from high school, working my summer job and preparing to go off to college. One day, I'm driving home from work and happen to pass by him at an intersection. He called me that afternoon and being that I was relatively recently single, I decided to give him a chance. He had always been persistent and two years of time apart had really changed much. He wanted to be with me every moment that he could. And I liked the attention, so I went with it. And before I knew it, we were official. I was spending all my free time at his house and hanging out with him.
Yeah, I liked the attention. I now know that that alone is not a reason to stay with a guy. Maybe date him for a while, but don't make him the one and only. Because eventually, he'll get bored. And so will you. I was willing to overlook the fact that I didn't really think he was the hottest guy on the planet because he seemed to be way into me. We got along. We had fun together. The sex wasn't great, but again, it was fun. But that being said, if someone better came along, I would've dropped him like a hot potato. But the BBD never showed up.
So I stuck with him. Even as I began to see that the fun we had wasn't really fun anymore. And the not great sex got worse. And as we grew apart and the relationship should have just ended, he held on tighter, pulling me away from my friends and family. And I held on tighter because I felt like I didn't have any close friends that I could go to. And obviously, since the BBD wasn't coming along, I worried that if I didn't stay with him, I'd be alone. And being alone was not an option for me. So I stuck around, despite the fact that I wasn't really happy. I kept putting weeks and months and years into this relationship and the idea of going back just didn't seem plausible.
In 2006, 6 years after we began dating, I had begun to feel like I had a split personality - one person when I was with him and someone totally different when I was away at school with my friends. The girl that I was at school was outgoing and bubbly and fun. I liked to pack my free time with activities and spend as much time as possible with the people that were important to me. But when I was back at home with him, I was quiet, withdrawn, depressed. And with a pending college graduation, I freaked out. Knowing that I wasn't going to be living with the girls anymore and that he was the life I had in front of me - I was terrified of becoming the withdrawn, depressed girl full time. The day that I moved out of my college dorm, I called him and broke up with him over the phone. I told him that we were very different people and that I didn't want to be that girl anymore.
We spent two weeks broken up. And he swore up and down that he would change. That he loved me and that he could be the man that I needed him to be. That he couldn't imagine his life without me. I went on a couple dates and wound up feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do any better than him, so I might as well just stick with a man that I knew loved me, even if he wasn't everything that I wanted. I could settle and be semi happy. Right?
I went back to him in early May and we got married in late October. No one told me 'Hey! Stupid Girl! Bad, bad idea!' Friends and family asked me if I was sure, but they didn't tell me I was being dumb. They didn't try to talk sense into me. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for making this bad decision. I knew as I walked down the aisle that I was making the wrong choice. But at that point, it was too late. I had my expensive fairy tale wedding going on. I was the first of my friends to get married and I was loving all the attention. He was doing his best to do whatever he thought I needed to keep me happy.
We spent the next five years coexisting. I tried to make a good life together. I'm not saying that I wasn't without fault, but if he had tried harder, I would've been more apt to try and make things work. We had happy times and tough times. We went on vacations. We got another cat. He lost his job. We started playing video games together. I found him a new job. He got a new car. We bought a house. He lost his job. And stopped giving a shit about ANYTHING. And then I got fed up.
The weightloss definitely played into my confidence. I was no longer afraid of being alone. What I was more afraid of was spending the rest of my life with a man that not only did I not love, but I didn't even like him. Not a little bit. I had given up on the desire to spend time with him. I stopped caring about what he thought about what I was doing or where I was going or when I was going to be home. I started putting myself first. And that's all that mattered to me. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was wasting my time. I want kids. Badly. And that wasn't going to happen if I stayed with him. Even if I got to the point where I was healthy enough to get pregnant and have a baby, he wasn't motivated to make it happen.
So I came to him in early September 2011 and told him that I was unhappy and that I didn't know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That I was tired of being the only one that gave a shit about our relationship. That it wasn't fair that he had stopped trying to participate in our life. At that point, when he saw that I was getting ready to walk out the door (both literally and figuratively), he swore up and down that he would change. That he loved me and that together, we could make our marriage work. Is this sounding familiar yet?
By the time I told him that I wanted out, there was no going back. Every time we talked for the next couple of weeks, he was asking me why and how could he fix it and telling me that he didn't understand why I wasn't willing to try to fight for our marriage. And all I could tell him was that I'd spent the last 5+ years fighting for it and I didn't have any more fight left in me. That I was hurt and angry and tired and my made was made up. I deserved to put myself first for once in my life. And while I didn't want to hurt him, I couldn't help that.
After a few weeks of the same conversation over and over, he finally started to accept that he wasn't going to change my mind. He began packing up his things and moving back home with his mom. By the middle of October, he was officially moved out and I was, for the first time in my life, living on my own. I felt this freedom that I'd never before experienced. I was excited to not have to report back to anyone about where I was going or what I was doing or when I'd be back home or if I'd be back home. With the exception of my cats and my fish, I didn't have anyone to have to take care of other than myself. When I got home from work at night, the house was exactly as I'd left it. Which was clean and organized because along with the divorce comes selling the house.
It's now almost February and the divorce still isn't finalized. But we're making headway. The first set of documents are finally signed (after some setbacks and a little bit of procrastination and feet dragging) and my lawyer is in the process of getting us a court date. My hope is that I will be a single woman within the next month. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!
As far as the house goes, it's been on the market since October. We had an offer and were under contract as of January 8th. And then about a week later, I got a call from my realtor that the buyers' loan fell through and that we were going to have to start the process all over again. It's a little frustrating, but it's life. We're doing a shortsale on the house and it's been assessed at a value that is so much lower than what we paid for it, it makes me want to vomit. But at this point, I don't really even care anymore. I just want it off my hands. I want to be done with it. Aside from the divorce, the house is the only thing that is still keeping me tied to my ex. We've divided all of our debts and most of our possessions.
He's been surprisingly laid back about the whole thing. Once he realized that he wasn't going to get me to change my mind, he was very accepting and logical. We were able to talk about how we'd split everything fairly. We discussed the future and how we would interact together. He has a desire to be friends. Like seriously friends. Like let's go see a movie. Like after we make our divorce official at the courthouse, let's go to lunch. I don't think I'm ready for all of that, but I appreciate his cooperation and so perhaps I let him get away with more than my lawyer or other important people in my life would like me to.
Maybe the hardest, most difficult part of separating from him - losing his family. They were always very nice to me. Especially his mom. I always felt very lucky to have a mother in law that I got along with. A woman that I could talk on the phone with and confide in and ask for advice and spend time with. I was truly blessed to have that relationship. I've only seen and talked to her once since I told him that I wanted a divorce. I told him one time when we talked on the phone that I missed her. That a part of me wanted to explain the situation to her from my point of view. But I knew that wasn't right. She's his support system. It's not fair of me to feel like I need to get the story straight with her. She is his mom. And she's going to be there for him, not for me. Although, I know that if I ever really needed her, she'd be there for me.
So, for tomorrow's episode of Nada to Drama, I'll be talking about the BBD...He did finally show up. :-)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A New Beginning
My last post on my old blog was just over 6 months ago. So very many things in my life have changed since then....I decided that it was time for a new start. A fresh beginning. A whole new blog.
I've imported the old posts and comments from my old blog. Feel free to read thru them to see the girl that I used to be. From this point on, I'm a new woman. I'm moving on with life. I'm the new hotness.
My life has been incredibly tumultuous over the last few months. In April 2011, I decided that I was tired of being morbidly obese. I was slowly killing myself. My body was breaking down. I was a diabetic on three oral medications to try to control my sugar. I was put on insulin to try and do the same thing. I took another oral medication to control the acid reflux that I'd developed from eating CRAP for years and years. I was at a maximum weight of 373lbs on a 5'5" frame. I was mentally beaten down. I was physically exhausted. I was emotionally absent. I was miserable with life.
My solution to the weight problem was not a fad diet or paying money to weight watchers, initially, it was the idea that I would get weight loss surgery. I would allow a doctor to remove a large section of my stomach because I felt like I was unable to control myself. I told myself that I'd put on all the weight and gotten so out of control because being fat is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. Except that with food, you can't just cut it out of your life. You have to eat to live. So, to me, WLS was the way to go. I talked to my doctor and she agreed that this was a good idea. She referred me to a surgeon and I talked with my insurance. The company that I'm with requires that you do a six month doctor supervised weight loss program (ie DIET) before they will approve you for surgery. So, since I was going to have to wait the six months, I decided that I was going to really put my all into it.
I came across a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and was instantly into it. It's a food and exercise logging tool, but maybe just as important, it's a social networking site. Which kept me coming back for more. In the beginning, I was losing about 20lbs a month. I got into exercising. I made some true friends all over the globe. And the weight started falling off.
Fast forward to six months later, to October. I was down about 110lbs and had decided that I no longer needed to the weight loss surgery. I was still in the obese category, but had proved to myself that I *can* do this on my own. That the right way to do it was not to have surgery, but to put in the hard work and earn it. I don't have an addiction. I have a laziness issue. I have a 'I like to eat' issue. I have a boredom eating issue. I now realize that and have changed my eating habits.
At the end of December, down 130lbs, I went back to the first doctor who'd agreed that WLS was the way to go and she was floored by how much I'd lost. Obviously, I wouldn't be having the surgery. And not only that, I was taken off of ALL medications. I no longer am dependent upon pills to keep my sugar in line. I have learned to keep everything in line by diet alone. And I couldn't be more proud.
I would like to lose another 30 lbs or so and then reevaluate whether or not I want to lose more. I do know that eventually, I will need to have surgery to remove the loose, hanging skin that 20 years of being so heavy has done to me. But that's a ways off. I'm so incredibly happy with my progress. Something that I thought was impossible is within reach and I've done it all on my own.
I have much more to talk about, this is just a tip of the iceberg. But rather than making one enormous post, I'm going to break it up into major events. Come back tomorrow for the next installment in the saga that has become my life.
I've imported the old posts and comments from my old blog. Feel free to read thru them to see the girl that I used to be. From this point on, I'm a new woman. I'm moving on with life. I'm the new hotness.
My life has been incredibly tumultuous over the last few months. In April 2011, I decided that I was tired of being morbidly obese. I was slowly killing myself. My body was breaking down. I was a diabetic on three oral medications to try to control my sugar. I was put on insulin to try and do the same thing. I took another oral medication to control the acid reflux that I'd developed from eating CRAP for years and years. I was at a maximum weight of 373lbs on a 5'5" frame. I was mentally beaten down. I was physically exhausted. I was emotionally absent. I was miserable with life.
My solution to the weight problem was not a fad diet or paying money to weight watchers, initially, it was the idea that I would get weight loss surgery. I would allow a doctor to remove a large section of my stomach because I felt like I was unable to control myself. I told myself that I'd put on all the weight and gotten so out of control because being fat is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. Except that with food, you can't just cut it out of your life. You have to eat to live. So, to me, WLS was the way to go. I talked to my doctor and she agreed that this was a good idea. She referred me to a surgeon and I talked with my insurance. The company that I'm with requires that you do a six month doctor supervised weight loss program (ie DIET) before they will approve you for surgery. So, since I was going to have to wait the six months, I decided that I was going to really put my all into it.
I came across a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and was instantly into it. It's a food and exercise logging tool, but maybe just as important, it's a social networking site. Which kept me coming back for more. In the beginning, I was losing about 20lbs a month. I got into exercising. I made some true friends all over the globe. And the weight started falling off.
Fast forward to six months later, to October. I was down about 110lbs and had decided that I no longer needed to the weight loss surgery. I was still in the obese category, but had proved to myself that I *can* do this on my own. That the right way to do it was not to have surgery, but to put in the hard work and earn it. I don't have an addiction. I have a laziness issue. I have a 'I like to eat' issue. I have a boredom eating issue. I now realize that and have changed my eating habits.
At the end of December, down 130lbs, I went back to the first doctor who'd agreed that WLS was the way to go and she was floored by how much I'd lost. Obviously, I wouldn't be having the surgery. And not only that, I was taken off of ALL medications. I no longer am dependent upon pills to keep my sugar in line. I have learned to keep everything in line by diet alone. And I couldn't be more proud.
I would like to lose another 30 lbs or so and then reevaluate whether or not I want to lose more. I do know that eventually, I will need to have surgery to remove the loose, hanging skin that 20 years of being so heavy has done to me. But that's a ways off. I'm so incredibly happy with my progress. Something that I thought was impossible is within reach and I've done it all on my own.
I have much more to talk about, this is just a tip of the iceberg. But rather than making one enormous post, I'm going to break it up into major events. Come back tomorrow for the next installment in the saga that has become my life.
Monday, July 18, 2011
8 weeks, 26.2 lbs lost, 50 lbs lost total
Hey all! I've been a little absent lately....Just wanted to check in and say hello. Weight loss is still going strong. I'm down 50lbs altogether. Pretty proud of that! I took a new set of progress pics that I thought I'd share. Hope everyone is doing well!!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
4 weeks and 15lbs
Hey All!
Just wanted to share some pics. These don't show me from the beginning of this journey, but they show the last four weeks, in which time I lost about 15lbs. In total, I'm almost at 40lbs. I am really proud of myself. I feel like I've made significant changes in my life and I feel so good for having done so. Anyway, here's the pics. I can see the difference - can you??
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Just wanted to share some pics. These don't show me from the beginning of this journey, but they show the last four weeks, in which time I lost about 15lbs. In total, I'm almost at 40lbs. I am really proud of myself. I feel like I've made significant changes in my life and I feel so good for having done so. Anyway, here's the pics. I can see the difference - can you??
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Two Months & 30 pounds
Yesterday, I hit a weightloss of 30 pounds. Yay!
I've been going at it for just over 8 weeks and I really am feeling good about myself. I'm noticing that I'm not so completely winded after going up a flight or two of stairs. I have the energy to walk across the parking lot, instead of driving around looking for the closest one (although, I have to admit, I will take a front spot if it's there on my first pass).
My success is largely contributed to www.myfitnesspal.com. I've been using it to track my calories & carbs and the exercise I've been doing (Yes, you read that right...More about working out later). I'm really proud of myself for committing to the changes that I decided to make.
For the most part, it's been pretty easy. I don't ever feel like I'm starving myself. I'm not forcing myself to eat foods that taste like tree bark and dog food. There are a few things that I used to eat pretty religiously that I haven't had in two months. Things like chips and apple juice. But also carbs - they are my absolute favorite thing to eat - pasta, potatoes, bread - but they're bad news, for the most part. So, I've started eating whole grain breads, which aren't bad. Baked sweet potatoes and mashed cauliflower have been pretty good substitutes for the higher white potato versions. And pasta...Well, that's the biggest kicker. I think if I had to choose one food to live on for the rest of eternity, I would choose noodles in some form - probably Omi's spaetzle. So when I chose to go low carb for diabetes reasons, I knew this was going to be the worst part for me. I tried whole wheat pasta and that's okay, but still not quite the same. And then I learned about a product called Dreamfield's Low Carb Pasta. And I heard the angels sing. :-) The stuff tastes, looks, behaves like regular old pasta. But it's much better for you, if you're a diabetic. Higher fiber and a lower glycemic index.
So, more about that sweating business...I hate it. I absolutely hate every minute of it. My favorite part is when the trainer on the video tells me I'm all done. But then I feel good about it. I know the sweat that's dripping off of me is bringing me closer to my goals. I purchased two videos - The Biggest Loser vol. 1 & Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Bob Harper is the trainer on the first one and I like him so much better than Jillian. I alternate workouts - 1 day of cardio with Bob, 1 day of strength with Bob, 1 day of Jillian and then a day of rest. In an average week, I'm working out 30 minutes/day, 6 days/week. And despite hating it for those 30 minutes, when it's all done, I am SO glad that I did. I feel proud that I'm doing something positive for myself.
And some non-scale-victories that I've had:
1. My jeans are all fitting much looser. I'm pretty sure most of the 30lbs that I've lost has come from my ass and hips. I think I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit this week.
2. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference and have told me that they can see my face looks thinner. Looks the same to me, but I stare at the damn thing for much longer than they do. :-)
3. My health is improving. Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a followup to starting on the insulin. The nurse who weighed me and the doctor were floored that I'd lost so much weight in such a short period of time. But more importantly, two of the oral medications that I'm on (that were maxxed out) have been cut in half. My blood sugar is in the normal range. AND! My blood pressure (which is usually high when I go to the doctor) was normal for my last two appointments.
4. Finally, I FEEL better. I always kind of thought it was bullshit when people would say 'I feel so much better now that I've lost weight. I have more energy. I feel more positive.' I thought it was all in their heads. And maybe it is. But it's in MY head now, too. :-)
My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month. I think that's a pretty achievable goal. I joined a challenge group on MFP that helps everyone doing it to keep motivated and held accountable. It's a 12 week challenge and you set mini goals along the way. At the end of the challenge (September 1st), I hope to be down 30 more pounds!
And hey, if you're jumping on the weightloss bandwagon, check out My Fitness Pal. Look me up (username: jagrib0112)! I'll be your friend! :-)
I've been going at it for just over 8 weeks and I really am feeling good about myself. I'm noticing that I'm not so completely winded after going up a flight or two of stairs. I have the energy to walk across the parking lot, instead of driving around looking for the closest one (although, I have to admit, I will take a front spot if it's there on my first pass).
My success is largely contributed to www.myfitnesspal.com. I've been using it to track my calories & carbs and the exercise I've been doing (Yes, you read that right...More about working out later). I'm really proud of myself for committing to the changes that I decided to make.
For the most part, it's been pretty easy. I don't ever feel like I'm starving myself. I'm not forcing myself to eat foods that taste like tree bark and dog food. There are a few things that I used to eat pretty religiously that I haven't had in two months. Things like chips and apple juice. But also carbs - they are my absolute favorite thing to eat - pasta, potatoes, bread - but they're bad news, for the most part. So, I've started eating whole grain breads, which aren't bad. Baked sweet potatoes and mashed cauliflower have been pretty good substitutes for the higher white potato versions. And pasta...Well, that's the biggest kicker. I think if I had to choose one food to live on for the rest of eternity, I would choose noodles in some form - probably Omi's spaetzle. So when I chose to go low carb for diabetes reasons, I knew this was going to be the worst part for me. I tried whole wheat pasta and that's okay, but still not quite the same. And then I learned about a product called Dreamfield's Low Carb Pasta. And I heard the angels sing. :-) The stuff tastes, looks, behaves like regular old pasta. But it's much better for you, if you're a diabetic. Higher fiber and a lower glycemic index.
So, more about that sweating business...I hate it. I absolutely hate every minute of it. My favorite part is when the trainer on the video tells me I'm all done. But then I feel good about it. I know the sweat that's dripping off of me is bringing me closer to my goals. I purchased two videos - The Biggest Loser vol. 1 & Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. Bob Harper is the trainer on the first one and I like him so much better than Jillian. I alternate workouts - 1 day of cardio with Bob, 1 day of strength with Bob, 1 day of Jillian and then a day of rest. In an average week, I'm working out 30 minutes/day, 6 days/week. And despite hating it for those 30 minutes, when it's all done, I am SO glad that I did. I feel proud that I'm doing something positive for myself.
And some non-scale-victories that I've had:
1. My jeans are all fitting much looser. I'm pretty sure most of the 30lbs that I've lost has come from my ass and hips. I think I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit this week.
2. Some of my coworkers have noticed a difference and have told me that they can see my face looks thinner. Looks the same to me, but I stare at the damn thing for much longer than they do. :-)
3. My health is improving. Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a followup to starting on the insulin. The nurse who weighed me and the doctor were floored that I'd lost so much weight in such a short period of time. But more importantly, two of the oral medications that I'm on (that were maxxed out) have been cut in half. My blood sugar is in the normal range. AND! My blood pressure (which is usually high when I go to the doctor) was normal for my last two appointments.
4. Finally, I FEEL better. I always kind of thought it was bullshit when people would say 'I feel so much better now that I've lost weight. I have more energy. I feel more positive.' I thought it was all in their heads. And maybe it is. But it's in MY head now, too. :-)
My goal is to lose 10 pounds per month. I think that's a pretty achievable goal. I joined a challenge group on MFP that helps everyone doing it to keep motivated and held accountable. It's a 12 week challenge and you set mini goals along the way. At the end of the challenge (September 1st), I hope to be down 30 more pounds!
And hey, if you're jumping on the weightloss bandwagon, check out My Fitness Pal. Look me up (username: jagrib0112)! I'll be your friend! :-)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Ten Days...
It's been ten days since my best friend lost her 10 week old son...
I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.
Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.
Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong.
The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial. Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves. I could not possibly tell her no. I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask. This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me. She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli. She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go. Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service. Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli. There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm. But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head. I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....'
After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby. And again, I didn't shed a tear. All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me. I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters. When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time. I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them. And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her.
And the support from these girls still continues. After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch. We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son. I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received. Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June. Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed.
A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her. These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed. They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly. We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.
I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening. We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon. Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him. It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.
I love ya, Little Man. Love, Auntie Jen
I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away. I cry for her because I can only imagine the heartbreak that she must feel. I think she's still in some form of denial, but I also think that as the days go by, it becomes harder for her to deny that Eli is gone. I asked her yesterday how she was doing and she said to 'I just want to hold Eli. I miss holding him so much.' And it just tore me apart. I feel such sadness for her. I am so hurt for her. I want nothing more than to take it all away for her. To make all this pain go away. To rewind two weeks and tell her not to leave the baby at home with his father.
Maybe it's selfish, but I'm so sad for myself, too. That little boy was, in my mind, my nephew. He was so perfect and I was so excited for her to be a mom. I wanted to be the fun aunt. I wanted to babysit him for the night so Terrie and Rob could go out for a night without the kids. I wanted Eli to be my future son's best friend (no - I'm not pregnant...I'm just saying). I wanted to watch him grow up and see how adorable he would be. I wanted to continue to spoil him and take excessive pictures of him. I wanted to take family photos for them. And now all of that is shattered.
Hubby feels like I've been overly emotional about the whole thing. I don't feel like I've been emotional at all, really. I cried at home, as he laid in the hospital. And I cried at home the day that he died. But contrary to my normal behavior, I've been very unemotional. I wanted to be strong for Terrie. To let her know that if she needed to cry, I wouldn't. That I would hold her up - she didn't have to be so strong.
The day that Eli passed, Terrie asked me if I would sing at his memorial. Yes, I'm in the choir and I don't mind being the center of attention in short bursts in social situations, but singing solo in front of people - that brings the nerves. I could not possibly tell her no. I keep on telling her I will do anything to help her - just ask. This is what she asked of me, so I told her I would, if another one of our sisters could do it with me. She agreed and told me that she would like us to sing 'Over the Rainbow' since she used to sing it to Eli. She & I practiced as much as we could over the next two days and at the memorial, we were ready to go. Unfortunately, because I wanted to be composed when we stood in front of the room of people, I forced myself to tune out much of what was said during the service. Terrie's sister read a poem that she'd written and the rabbi read a letter that Terrie had written to Eli. There were a number of prayers and a reciting of the 23rd Psalm. But mostly what I heard were the words to 'Over the Rainbow,' since I continually was saying them over & over in my head. I'd stare at the ceiling, breathe deeply and all I could think was 'Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me....'
After the service, I held a number of our friends as they wept for Terrie & her sweet baby. And again, I didn't shed a tear. All of a sudden, I had become the strong one, allowing our friends to lean on me. I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our sorority sisters. When I pledged the sorority, I thought it would be a good way to meet some girls on campus, make some new friends, and have a good time. I never, ever thought that five years after graduating, I would still be so close to so many of them. And that so many of them who we hardly ever talk to - even one that only knew Terrie through Facebook - drove the hour plus to show their support for her.
And the support from these girls still continues. After the service last weekend, some of the girls that attended went out to lunch. We came up with a plan to prepare food for her and to bring it to her on Monday, so that she could sit Shiva and properly mourn the loss of her son. I sent an email to whichever girls I thought might want to help and was FLOORED by the help that we received. Terrie probably has enough food in her fridge/freezer to last through the month of June. Not to mention, some of the girls that were unable to send food sent money to buy things for her that might be needed.
A few of the girls have also drove out to visit her during the week - just to spend time with her and let her know that they're still thinking of her. These same two girls, along with a couple others, are spearheading a plan to raise some money for Terrie to do with as needed. They're planning a benefit to take place on July 1st at Lewis University - where we all met and developed the bonds that have held so tightly. We're organizing silent auction items, we will have a dj and food/drinks, there will be on campus sponsors; all proceeds will go to Terrie and it will be up to her - and ONLY her - as to how the money is spent.
I went to her place this afternoon and stayed for the evening. We laid in her bed and watched Law & Order: CI all afternoon. Another one of our sisters joined us in the evening and Terrie showed her pictures of Eli - she had never had the chance to meet him. It was a nice afternoon - it could have only been better if Eli had been there to share the day with us.
I love ya, Little Man. Love, Auntie Jen
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I'm praying for a miracle
My best friend & her 2 month old son need your help. I can't do this alone.
Yesterday, Eli (the baby) was hurt. His father was feeding him and the baby fell from his arms. He hit his head and lost consciousness and subsequently stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance had arrived, there was a significant loss of oxygen to the brain. They performed emergency surgery yesterday to relieve the hemmoraging and swelling, but things are not looking good. Eli is in critical condition in the PICU and the doctors are not giving him much of a chance to get through this. There is zero brain activity and he's hooked up to a bunch of machines, including a ventilator. Tomorrow morning, they're planning to take him off of the vent to see if he will breathe on his own.
This poor little baby. He's so perfect and tiny and the closest I will ever come to having a nephew. And my best friend - I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that she's going through right now. I only know how helpless I feel; being the best friend and seeing how much pain she is in and not being able to do anything to help her. I don't know how to help her, other than to be there for her and continue to let her know that I love her and I'm praying with all my heart for her and her son.
I can't begin to know what you all believe or what you can do, but any positivity you can offer is most appreciated. Prayers, positive vibes, good karma - she & Eli need it badly. I'm being as strong as I possibly can for her and I know she feels hopeless right now, but I just have to have faith. I'm praying for a miracle tonight.
Yesterday, Eli (the baby) was hurt. His father was feeding him and the baby fell from his arms. He hit his head and lost consciousness and subsequently stopped breathing. By the time the ambulance had arrived, there was a significant loss of oxygen to the brain. They performed emergency surgery yesterday to relieve the hemmoraging and swelling, but things are not looking good. Eli is in critical condition in the PICU and the doctors are not giving him much of a chance to get through this. There is zero brain activity and he's hooked up to a bunch of machines, including a ventilator. Tomorrow morning, they're planning to take him off of the vent to see if he will breathe on his own.
This poor little baby. He's so perfect and tiny and the closest I will ever come to having a nephew. And my best friend - I cannot even begin to imagine the terror that she's going through right now. I only know how helpless I feel; being the best friend and seeing how much pain she is in and not being able to do anything to help her. I don't know how to help her, other than to be there for her and continue to let her know that I love her and I'm praying with all my heart for her and her son.
I can't begin to know what you all believe or what you can do, but any positivity you can offer is most appreciated. Prayers, positive vibes, good karma - she & Eli need it badly. I'm being as strong as I possibly can for her and I know she feels hopeless right now, but I just have to have faith. I'm praying for a miracle tonight.
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