Heroes and superpowers

061. Superhero ability → I'd have the power to heal – both myself and others.

I have a very real reason for choosing this super power. And it's related to my own personal superhero - my mom.

If you're reading this blog, chances are that you know me and you know about the condition that affects my mom. She has Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and was diagnosed in 1985 - I was three, she was 33...Only 6 years older than I am right now. That thought alone chokes me up.

I've tried to blog about my mom many times. And I always feel like it ends up sounding like 'Woe is me. Cry for my mommy.' But that's not how I want to portray her. I feel like I have to give some background and then before I know it, I've turned it into a pity party. Not so much for me, but for her. And frankly, I think she deserves one. If I were her, I'd cry day and night. I'd beg for someone to put me out of my misery. And maybe she has felt that way. But I've never seen it. Maybe that's why I feel like she's a hero...I find her inspirational.

She's incredibly courageous and strong - despite the fact that in terms of her health, she's been steadily declining for almost 25 years. The way that the "condition" (that's how it's defined - a condition) has affected her has been heart breaking. I've watched her lose her physical ability to do just about everything. For what seemed like a very long time, it was just her ability to walk. But it has progressed to so much more...Her ability to move herself in anyway has been completely taken away. She doesn't have the strength in her arms or hands to write or feed herself. She is lucky that she can breathe on her own. And even that gets a bit touchy.

MS has really taken a lot from my mom. And she really is beyond the point of help. There have been all kinds of different therapies and treatments that she's tried over the years, but nothing ever really seemed to help. It just kept on getting worse and taking more of her independence away. At this point in her life, it's all about making her as comfortable as possible.

The moral of the story is that MS fucking sucks.

Over the last 5 years or so, she has developed a symptom of MS that is called trigeminal neuralgia. I don't really know the ins and outs of it, but I do know how it affects my mother. She gets pains in her jaw/face that are completely agonizing. Like no pain that I have ever experienced. The onset of the pain is seemingly random - there's no one thing that causes it. Could be eating something, could be trying to talk, could be just sitting there. And the pain just overtakes her. She clenches up, her face starts to turn red and the tears just start flowing. And there's absolutely nothing that can be done. She has to just wait until the pain subsides (they usually last just a few seconds, but can be longer) and even then, she still has residual pain...I imagine that it's kinda like when you get an electric shock. The initial zap is quite painful, but that lingering feeling afterward is just as bad - and it lasts for quite some time.

They've tried countless painkillers and therapies...Again, to no avail. I made a post in an MS Support group on LiveJournal a few months ago and asked for any suggestions from other MS patients who may have gone through this. I passed along the suggestions to my dad, who discussed them with her doctor. One of the suggestions was gamma knife radiosurgery(GKRS). I didn't know much about it, so I googled it and found this article. The info about the GKRS is about 2/3 of the way down. It's basically concentrated radiation, which is supposed to create a lesion on the nerve, blocking its pain signals.

My mom is having this treatment done today. Maybe even as I'm typing.

I'm am PRAYING that she's lucky enough to get some relief from it. If you're the praying type, please keep her in your prayers. And if you're not, just think some good thoughts for her. The poor lady has been through SO much in her life. A little relief from this pain would be great.

This post really evolved into something that I hadn't meant it to...I wanted to talk about all of the GOOD things that have come from her being sick. And I will. But for now, let's just keep our fingers crossed that everything goes okay today.

What a ballsy 13 year old!

I'm always trying to come up with topics to blog about. My life isn't very interesting, so I don't have day to day things to report on. And then out of the blue, it came to me...On Facebook, I'm always doing these silly time-wasting surveys...You know, 25 random things about me...Or 100 questions or whatever...And sometimes, you come up with some rather interesting questions/answers. I never want to elaborate too much, I mean, there's already 100 questions...Who really cares enough to read a whole paragraph on each one? And then I realized, what the eff is the blog for???? So, today will begin my first post about my 100 Things. (I hope that link works...Someone let me know if it doesn't...)

084. Have you ever...Ran away from home → I started to – in 7th grade. Mom & Dad had walked down the street to a birthday party for a friend. I took the car…Pulled it out of the garage, started down the street and then my nerves got the better of me. I went around the block and got the car back into the garage. I don’t think they knew.

An old friend made a comment, asking if I really did this, and noted that it was a pretty ballsy move. Yeah, I didn't think it was at the time. I was what...13? I had a "boyfriend" whom I'd met online and had never actually met in person. He lived in the city - near Midway - and I in the south suburbs. We talked on the phone for hours at a time. I had a polaroid picture of him that he'd mailed to me. And the picture that he had of me...? Was totally NOT me. I don't remember if Google existed at that time or not, but I'd somehow found a photo of a young girl who I thought sorta resembled me. But she was far skinnier, had gorgeous hair...She looked like that All-American type girl. And Derek thought that's who he was talking to.

I can't, for the life of me, remember what we talked about. I do remember that his best friend really didn't like me and swore up and down that I was not who I said I was. Smart guy. But Derek believed me. We liked the same music, and if I remember correctly, he bought and mailed me the Alanis Morisette cd that I was obsessed with. "You Oughta Know" was played over and over at very high volumes. I'm sure my parents couldn't have been happier when that phase was over.

I don't remember why I thought it was a good idea to run away. I do remember that I was having a tough time with life in 7th grade. I think I started off on the wrong foot...I befriended a couple girls who were the "cool" ones. I wanted to be a part of their group so badly that I abandoned the people that really liked me for who I was. I developed a HUGE crush on a specific guy in our class, and was willing to do what it took to be his friend. In the end, it all came crashing down around me. I was belittled and felt very ostracized. These people whom I thought were my friends really weren't. I got to the point where I was suicidal...Or I wanted to be. I used needles and even a fishing hook to try to scratch away at my wrists. I cried a lot. And then I met Derek online. And I felt like he was going to make it all better.

After we'd been "dating" for a few months, I decided that I couldn't stand being who I was. I was unhappy and I thought that running away with Derek was the answer. We planned it all out. My parents were going to a 40th bday party for a friend down the street, so they walked over there. I was alone at home, with keys to Dad's car. I packed a bag and had directions to Derek's house. We didn't really know what we were going to do or where we were going to go. I don't even think I had money. I just felt like this was what I needed to do to get happy again. I called my friend Laura and told her that I was planning to do this. And she asked me not to. She told me that she'd always be there for me and that I should reconsider. I think she played the "Friends" theme song over the phone for me and told me that she meant it.

Despite Laura's urging me not to, I got in the car (which, btw, was a fuckin BOAT! I don't know how I managed to not scratch it when I was pulling in or out of the garage). I put the keys in the ignition and started her up. I was shaking like a fuckin leaf. I thought for sure I was going to get caught. My parents would be coming back early or I was going to crash the car or something equally disastrous. But I kept going. I started to drive down the street and panicked. I ended up going around the block and going back home. I parked back in the garage and called Derek to tell him I wasn't coming.

I think we broke up shortly after that. I still think of him every once in a while, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't looked for him on Facebook. I've googled him a couple times, too. And I think I may have found him, but I can't ever find a photo, so I'm not sure if it's him or not. That "friend" that had made my life so difficult in 7th grade didn't return the next year...I was thanking my lucky stars...I felt like I had a chance to start over again. And I think I did. Eighth grade was a lot less traumatic for me, and I never really felt the urge to run away again.

Sometimes, I wish I could run away now...Just grab my purse and some clothes and a pillow and leave. I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, but the idea of being without responsibilities and without things to hold me down...Yeah, it's kind of intriguing. But I certainly don't have the balls to do it now...And I'm far too realistic to think that I could just up and leave everything.

Smokin Fatties...

Boy, that title could be taken so many ways...

So, I'm catching up on my blogs from the weekend, and I'm floored by this post from Fat Stylist. These girls are supposed to be fat in the blurred photos. Try and guess who these women are. And then go to Tyk to see who's who. If you scroll down a bit further, you'll see these "fat" women in their skinnier forms. Holy Crap! Seriously? I mean, come on...Who wants to see all those bones??? I think ALL of those women look a lot healthier with a few extra pounds. I mean, I'm by no means the picture of a healthy woman, but geez!

Random Ramblings

It's been a few days...I figure it's time for a new post. I'm still sorta working on figuring out the coding. In the meantime, I'm totally going to have to grab someone else's design because the current weirdness that I have going on isn't working for me.

Things have been really really good lately. And it seems all I had to do was really talk to my husband.

About a month ago, Hubby and I got in a gigantic fight about responsibilities and whether or not we're happy together, among other things. Our brand new house was a mess - dishes piled up so high you couldn't see the countertops, little bits from the Christmas tree ALL OVER the floor, fingerprints on the window from a party that we had months ago, laundry was only getting done when I ran out of underwear or socks, the litterboxes were only cleaned when the cat got mad (If anyone has any good tricks for getting the smell of cat urine out of a big, padded chair, let me know)...I mean, it was bad. I felt like he should be doing something about it, and he felt the same about me. He kept telling me that I'm the "housewife" and that I should be the one taking care of our home. When I asked him what his responsibilities were, he said 'Man things' like mowing the lawn and shovelling the snow and putting up the garage door opener and taking out the trash. My reaction is - how the hell is THAT fair? I mean, I'm STILL waiting for my garage door opener to go up and I can't tell you how many times I slipped on the ice in the drive because it was never shovelled. And besides all that - why do I have to wash all your clothes, and your dishes and clean up after you every day, when 'your' jobs require maybe 45 minutes of effort once a week? So, I'd boycotted doing any house work. And apparently so had he. Our beautiful house, which we've been living in since September, was a wreck.

So, the day after my birthday, he and I have this huge blowout argument. He tells me he's not happy, he hates his life, he feels like he'd rather go back and live at home with his mom. He says that while he doesn't feel like he'd be better off without me, he definitely isn't feeling like he's better with me. And God knows that I was feeling the same way. I was resenting him for expecting that I'd do these things. And we weren't intimate in any way. He wasn't showing me any affection, which is something that's very very important to me. If I come over next to you and try to give you a hug, and you essentially push me away, or even scold me for touching you, why the heck am I going to want to do anything for you!?? The road goes both ways - you do what I want, and I'll do what you want. One of us just had to be the bigger person and stop being so damn selfish.

After we have this argument, I'm fuming. He leaves for work and I spent the rest of that evening bawling and screaming at no one, as I went around trying to do some little minor cleanup efforts around the house. And all I could think was, yeah, okay, I'll take care of the house and I'll be Suzie Homemaker, but when I get fed up, you're the one that's going to walk, not me. It's MY house - not your's. I was furious. So, the next night, we talk a bit and he thanks me for making an effort, and I'm still pissed. I tell him that I'm angry that he expects me to do it all, and he's not responsible for any of the housework. But I tell him that I'm going to suck it up and do what needs to be done, in order for us to be happy. And then he comes back at me saying that he doesn't think either of us will ever be happy - we'll just live a miserable existence together forever. What a positive outlook, huh?

Over the next week or two, we continue to argue, and I continue to try and be better about taking care of the house. I mean, he's right. Someone's gotta do it, and if it's not going to be him, that only leaves me. And then maybe two weeks ago, we're talking on the phone as I'm on my way to work, and we somehow get on the topic of how I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention. Yes, we sit in the same room together all weekend long, but we don't actually speak to one another. I could be on the other side of the house, or not even home at all, and still feel like we're spending as much time together. And I don't know...A light must have gone on with him. All of a sudden, I like him again. Yes, he still has his moments, but I can tell that he's really making an effort, too. Rather than just coexisting, we're actually working on our marriage...Fancy that.

Friday night was my sorority's Sweetheart Formal. It's totally an excuse to dress up and get drunk together. I haven't gone the last two years, mostly because Little Miss Temper Tantrum convinced me that it was a bad idea. We're not really speaking anymore, so I decided that I would go this year. Hubby had to work, so I was going solo. I was pretty darn stoked about it, though. He's a stick in the mud when it comes to dancing/partying - I probably had more fun without him, anyway. I'd made plans ahead of time to get a hotel room with a couple other girls. Ooooh...Hubby was NOT having that. He felt like I was disrespecting him. Frankly, I just wanted to get drunk and forget about any problems or stressors for the night. I didn't want to worry about having to get home. And even if I hadn't been drinking, it makes for a very long night and I really didn't want to be driving home at 1am, when I'd been up since 4:30 in the morning. As fate would have it, Hubby got switched to 2nd shift last week. So, I ended up not getting the hotel room - he picked me up after the dance, to whisk me back home in my drunken state. He arrived right on time, and when I opened the car door, sitting on my seat was a box of chocolates, a couple little heart-shaped gifts and a lovely card. We're not really big on holidays - especially V Day, so I was completely taken by surprise.

The dance was a fabulous time. Whenever I get together with these girls, I'm reminded of how much I miss them and the sorority. Yes, it was a lot of drama, but it was so much fun. And the drama was just a part of it. After graduating, I did crawl in a hole for a while, but I'm starting to peek out again, and I'm so glad that I am. I didn't bring a camera, so I was depending on the other girls for photos. If you don't know who I am - I'm in the blue. My hair wasn't really behaving, but it was hot in there and I'd just had it cut that afternoon. Whatever. I stepped out of the box and wore red lipstick. It was hawt...I loved it so much that I wore it to work yesterday, too!

The rest of the weekend was, for the most part, great. We went to Ikea and got some closet storage solutions, as well as some random doo-dads, Hubby's favorite. We talked about some of the things that we want to spend our tax refund on - a deck in the backyard, a storm/screen door for the front door, repay our parents for the earnest money they gave us when we went to closing, a snowblower, garage door opener installation, Hubby needs new clothes, we both need new shoes, a bed for the spare room. I know there are more - that's all I can think of off the top of my head. We took advantage of the First-Time HomeBuyer Tax Credit. It'll be nice to be able to afford some new stuff for the house.

We spent most of Sunday playing WoW - I'm finally a level 70! This is a pretty big deal. Until November, 70 was the highest you could get. Now it's 80, but at least it's in sight. And I'm close enough to the level 80's that they'll help me out some. Hubby even played with me for a while. I went to bed late on Sunday, so I was late coming in to work yesterday. I left at almost 5, got stuck in traffic, got home around 6:30, spent the next 4.5 hours doing homework, and then fell into bed around midnight, just in time for Hubby to join me.

I have to admit that his being on 2nd shift now is fabulous. He has to get himself out of bed in the morning - I don't have to deal with his crabbitude while he gets ready for work. I can make as much noise as I want when I come home - I can watch tv and make dinner, run the dishwasher and do laundry, all while talking to the cats, and I don't have to worry about waking him up. I don't have to be alone in the house every night - even though I'd gotten used to it. And he sleeps next to me every night. I do have to try to be a bit quiet in the morning while I get ready for work, but it forces me to actually get out of bed on time because I don't want to keep on snoozing the alarm while he's trying to sleep next to me. In all, this second shift business is working out well. We also don't really see one another during the week, so it makes us enjoy one another's company that much more on the weekend.

I think that's all I've got for now. I should do some work, since I'm getting paid for being here. 8-\

O! M! G!

So, I'm totally into this blogger stuff!!! I just figured out how to "follow" some blogs. And then I clicked on Google Reader. Wow.

Now I just need to learn the code to design my own layout. Which I will, by golly!

I'm getting part 1 of my hair overhaul done today. I can't wait for the finished product next week. I think folks will be surprised when they see what I do. :)

Obligatory Intro

It can't be that hard to start a blog, right? You just give them your email address (Check!), come up with a quirky title (Er...Check?), and start typing....Right?

Unless you feel like you have something that you're supposed to be typing about? I mean, who really cares about my weekend? Friday, came home from work, smoked down, watched a movie, made Hubby's lunch and then saw him off to work. Went to bed early and slept until 7:30 Saturday morning. Got up, smoked again, played video games for a while and then had some breakfast. Watched about 5 episodes of Flip This House, watched some CRAZY ass version of Alice in Wonderland and went to bed at 6pm. Slept until 5am. Smoked again. Played some more video games, showered, went to Menard's for a new shower head (WooHoo!) and then came back home for Hubby to play the game some more. Not sure I remember what I was doing during this time. Maybe Facebook stalking. Went to Sears and had our taxes done by a moron, who was either hitting on my husband or thought that I was dumber than a box of rocks. Talking to me like I'm the idiot. He's the one that thought software was two words. Went for dinner to the Olive Garden, got a phone call from someone that used to be a friend, rolled my eyes at her voicemail and came home. And here we are. Seriously...11 hours of sleep on Saturday night? No wonder it's Monday morning before I blink an eye.

Hubby is going to start on 2nd shift this week. I'm QUITE excited about this. I won't have to tiptoe around the house anymore, for fear of waking his cranky ass up. And I can wash dishes and laundry and go to bed at 8pm, if I feel like it. He'll be working 2-10. I hope that he decides to go to bed when he comes home and then get up in the morning and be awake during the day. When he was on 2nd shift before, he slept all day long and stayed up at night when he got home. That sucked. But I suppose it can't be much worse than working 10pm - 6am. That's what he was doing before and it really was horrible. He was such a crab ass when he'd get up. Every little thing would send him off the handle. I'm glad I won't be around for that part of the day anymore.

My job is great - I work in quality control for a software development company. After new features are put into the code, I test it to make sure that it works the way that it's supposed to. I also prepare the software to go to different customers. And I coordinate the different releases. And I answer the phone. And I play on facebook. And check my email - about 5-10 times a day. And I look for new recipes. And I research clothing that I want to buy. And shoes. And jewelry. And makeup. And whatever else I can do to pass the time. I'm not feeling challenged at work. So, I started taking programming classes, in the hope that they'll bump me to up a programmer - or someone in between programmer and tester. Something that'll keep my busy, as well as pay me a bit more. Ideally, I'd quit this job, leave the programming classes behind and go to a culinary school. I love to cook. And I hadn't really realized how MUCH I enjoy doing it until recently. I love to try new recipes and taste different types of food. I can't imagine how much i would enjoy cooking as my full time job. Maybe one day, if we come into some large sum of money, I'll go to culinary school...Maybe even in some far off land, like downtown. lol

My husband and I have been together for over 8 years, married for almost 2 and a half. If someone had told me ten years ago that I was going to be married to this man, I would've told you to blow it out your ass. But here I am! :-) He's an alright guy...Drives me kinda batty most of the time. I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about him in the future. Just know that no matter what I might say to the contrary, I do love the big p-i-m-a.

No kids, as of right now. I want them, badly. I feel like we just keep getting older, and the idea slips further away. Hubby says we're not ready for them, but like I've heard from many people, when are you ever really ready for kids? My parents were 30 when they had me, and I felt like they were old when I was growing up. Thirty is 3 years away. Sometimes, that doesn't sound like such a big deal. And then other times, it sounds like it's an eternity. Perhaps right now is not the BEST time for having a baby, but soon, please...

We do have a couple kitties, whom I'll be happy to post pics of - just you wait. We have a brand new house, that we love very much. I can't wait til it gets a bit warmer outside. Then we can grill and hang out outside (Yeah right! Hubby will not leave his computer for anything less than a nap or money. I'll have to bribe him. lol). At any rate, I'll be happy when we can actually get to know some of the neighbors. We had some people move in next door back in October - they have since moved out and there's a lock box on the front door. Wonder what happened there... Hubby said maybe they all died in a car crash...Nice.

I think that's all the important stuff. House, cats, Hubby, job, blah blah blah...Yep.

I'm going to look for a website that has blog ideas. Topics, if you will. Like, what are your thoughts on...global warming? Or Miley Cyrus' latest boy toy? Or last week's episode of Lost! (Of those three, Lost is the only one you'll ever read about here...)

Hasta!