Dropping More Than Just Pounds

Yesterday, I explained the catalyst to my new life.  Today, the first BIG change that I knew had to be made, but was terrified of making for many many years.

I thought I told this story once upon a time in the old blog, but I can't find it, so I'll give the short version here and now....I met my husband when I was 16.  We met through a mutual friend at a high school football game.  At the time, I was dating someone else, so I was content to be friends with him, but he wanted more.  I gave him my phone number and he called me all the time.  So much so that I began referring to him as a stalker and would ask my dad and grandma to tell him that I wasn't home when he would call the house. 

Two years later, I've just graduated from high school, working my summer job and preparing to go off to college.  One day, I'm driving home from work and happen to pass by him at an intersection.  He called me that afternoon and being that I was relatively recently single, I decided to give him a chance.  He had always been persistent and two years of time apart had really changed much.  He wanted to be with me every moment that he could.  And I liked the attention, so I went with it.  And before I knew it, we were official.  I was spending all my free time at his house and hanging out with him.

Yeah, I liked the attention.  I now know that that alone is not a reason to stay with a guy.  Maybe date him for a while, but don't make him the one and only.  Because eventually, he'll get bored.  And so will you.  I was willing to overlook the fact that I didn't really think he was the hottest guy on the planet because he seemed to be way into me.  We got along.  We had fun together.  The sex wasn't great, but again, it was fun.  But that being said, if someone better came along, I would've dropped him like a hot potato.  But the BBD never showed up. 

So I stuck with him.  Even as I began to see that the fun we had wasn't really fun anymore.  And the not great sex got worse.  And as we grew apart and the relationship should have just ended, he held on tighter, pulling me away from my friends and family.  And I held on tighter because I felt like I didn't have any close friends that I could go to.  And obviously, since the BBD wasn't coming along, I worried that if I didn't stay with him, I'd be alone.  And being alone was not an option for me.  So I stuck around, despite the fact that I wasn't really happy.  I kept putting weeks and months and years into this relationship and the idea of going back just didn't seem plausible.

In 2006, 6 years after we began dating, I had begun to feel like I had a split personality - one person when I was with him and someone totally different when I was away at school with my friends.  The girl that I was at school was outgoing and bubbly and fun.  I liked to pack my free time with activities and spend as much time as possible with the people that were important to me.  But when I was back at home with him, I was quiet, withdrawn, depressed.  And with a pending college graduation, I freaked out.  Knowing that I wasn't going to be living with the girls anymore and that he was the life I had in front of me - I was terrified of becoming the withdrawn, depressed girl full time.  The day that I moved out of my college dorm, I called him and broke up with him over the phone.  I told him that we were very different people and that I didn't want to be that girl anymore. 

We spent two weeks broken up.  And he swore up and down that he would change.  That he loved me and that he could be the man that I needed him to be.  That he couldn't imagine his life without me.  I went on a couple dates and wound up feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do any better than him, so I might as well just stick with a man that I knew loved me, even if he wasn't everything that I wanted.  I could settle and be semi happy.  Right?

I went back to him in early May and we got married in late October.  No one told me 'Hey!  Stupid Girl!  Bad, bad idea!'  Friends and family asked me if I was sure, but they didn't tell me I was being dumb.  They didn't try to talk sense into me.  I'm not blaming anyone but myself for making this bad decision.  I knew as I walked down the aisle that I was making the wrong choice.  But at that point, it was too late.  I had my expensive fairy tale wedding going on.  I was the first of my friends to get married and I was loving all the attention.  He was doing his best to do whatever he thought I needed to keep me happy. 

We spent the next five years coexisting.  I tried to make a good life together.  I'm not saying that I wasn't without fault, but if he had tried harder, I would've been more apt to try and make things work.  We had happy times and tough times.  We went on vacations.  We got another cat.  He lost his job.  We started playing video games together.  I found him a new job.  He got a new car.  We bought a house.  He lost his job.  And stopped giving a shit about ANYTHING.  And then I got fed up.

The weightloss definitely played into my confidence.  I was no longer afraid of being alone.  What I was more afraid of was spending the rest of my life with a man that not only did I not love, but I didn't even like him.  Not a little bit.  I had given up on the desire to spend time with him.  I stopped caring about what he thought about what I was doing or where I was going or when I was going to be home.  I started putting myself first.  And that's all that mattered to me.  And the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was wasting my time.  I want kids.  Badly.  And that wasn't going to happen if I stayed with him.  Even if I got to the point where I was healthy enough to get pregnant and have a baby, he wasn't motivated to make it happen. 

So I came to him in early September 2011 and told him that I was unhappy and that I didn't know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  That I was tired of being the only one that gave a shit about our relationship.  That it wasn't fair that he had stopped trying to participate in our life.  At that point, when he saw that I was getting ready to walk out the door (both literally and figuratively), he swore up and down that he would change.  That he loved me and that together, we could make our marriage work.  Is this sounding familiar yet?

By the time I told him that I wanted out, there was no going back.  Every time we talked for the next couple of weeks, he was asking me why and how could he fix it and telling me that he didn't understand why I wasn't willing to try to fight for our marriage.  And all I could tell him was that I'd spent the last 5+ years fighting for it and I didn't have any more fight left in me.  That I was hurt and angry and tired and my made was made up.  I deserved to put myself first for once in my life.  And while I didn't want to hurt him, I couldn't help that. 

After a few weeks of the same conversation over and over, he finally started to accept that he wasn't going to change my mind.  He began packing up his things and moving back home with his mom.  By the middle of October, he was officially moved out and I was, for the first time in my life, living on my own.  I felt this freedom that I'd never before experienced.  I was excited to not have to report back to anyone about where I was going or what I was doing or when I'd be back home or if I'd be back home.  With the exception of my cats and my fish, I didn't have anyone to have to take care of other than myself.  When I got home from work at night, the house was exactly as I'd left it.  Which was clean and organized because along with the divorce comes selling the house.

It's now almost February and the divorce still isn't finalized.  But we're making headway.  The first set of documents are finally signed (after some setbacks and a little bit of procrastination and feet dragging) and my lawyer is in the process of getting us a court date.  My hope is that I will be a single woman within the next month.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

As far as the house goes, it's been on the market since October.  We had an offer and were under contract as of January 8th.  And then about a week later, I got a call from my realtor that the buyers' loan fell through and that we were going to have to start the process all over again.  It's a little frustrating, but it's life.  We're doing a shortsale on the house and it's been assessed at a value that is so much lower than what we paid for it, it makes me want to vomit.  But at this point, I don't really even care anymore.  I just want it off my hands.  I want to be done with it.  Aside from the divorce, the house is the only thing that is still keeping me tied to my ex.  We've divided all of our debts and most of our possessions. 

He's been surprisingly laid back about the whole thing.  Once he realized that he wasn't going to get me to change my mind, he was very accepting and logical.  We were able to talk about how we'd split everything fairly.  We discussed the future and how we would interact together.  He has a desire to be friends.  Like seriously friends.  Like let's go see a movie.  Like after we make our divorce official at the courthouse, let's go to lunch.  I don't think I'm ready for all of that, but I appreciate his cooperation and so perhaps I let him get away with more than my lawyer or other important people in my life would like me to.

Maybe the hardest, most difficult part of separating from him - losing his family.  They were always very nice to me.  Especially his mom.  I always felt very lucky to have a mother in law that I got along with.  A woman that I could talk on the phone with and confide in and ask for advice and spend time with.  I was truly blessed to have that relationship.  I've only seen and talked to her once since I told him that I wanted a divorce.  I told him one time when we talked on the phone that I missed her.  That a part of me wanted to explain the situation to her from my point of view.  But I knew that wasn't right.  She's his support system.  It's not fair of me to feel like I need to get the story straight with her.  She is his mom.  And she's going to be there for him, not for me.  Although, I know that if I ever really needed her, she'd be there for me.

So, for tomorrow's episode of Nada to Drama, I'll be talking about the BBD...He did finally show up.  :-)

A New Beginning

My last post on my old blog was just over 6 months ago.  So very many things in my life have changed since then....I decided that it was time for a new start.  A fresh beginning.  A whole new blog. 

I've imported the old posts and comments from my old blog.  Feel free to read thru them to see the girl that I used to be.  From this point on, I'm a new woman.  I'm moving on with life.  I'm the new hotness.

My life has been incredibly tumultuous over the last few months.  In April 2011, I decided that I was tired of being morbidly obese.  I was slowly killing myself.  My body was breaking down.  I was a diabetic on three oral medications to try to control my sugar.  I was put on insulin to try and do the same thing.  I took another oral medication to control the acid reflux that I'd developed from eating CRAP for years and years.  I was at a maximum weight of 373lbs on a 5'5" frame.  I was mentally beaten down.  I was physically exhausted.  I was emotionally absent.  I was miserable with life. 

My solution to the weight problem was not a fad diet or paying money to weight watchers, initially, it was the idea that I would get weight loss surgery.  I would allow a doctor to remove a large section of my stomach because I felt like I was unable to control myself.  I told myself that I'd put on all the weight and gotten so out of control because being fat is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol.  Except that with food, you can't just cut it out of your life.  You have to eat to live.  So, to me, WLS was the way to go.  I talked to my doctor and she agreed that this was a good idea.  She referred me to a surgeon and I talked with my insurance.  The company that I'm with requires that you do a six month doctor supervised weight loss program (ie DIET) before they will approve you for surgery.  So, since I was going to have to wait the six months, I decided that I was going to really put my all into it.

I came across a website called www.myfitnesspal.com and was instantly into it.  It's a food and exercise logging tool, but maybe just as important, it's a social networking site.  Which kept me coming back for more.  In the beginning, I was losing about 20lbs a month.  I got into exercising.  I made some true friends all over the globe.  And the weight started falling off. 

Fast forward to six months later, to October.  I was down about 110lbs and had decided that I no longer needed to the weight loss surgery.  I was still in the obese category, but had proved to myself that I *can* do this on my own.  That the right way to do it was not to have surgery, but to put in the hard work and earn it.  I don't have an addiction.  I have a laziness issue.  I have a 'I like to eat' issue.  I have a boredom eating issue.  I now realize that and have changed my eating habits. 

At the end of December, down 130lbs, I went back to the first doctor who'd agreed that WLS was the way to go and she was floored by how much I'd lost.  Obviously, I wouldn't be having the surgery.  And not only that, I was taken off of ALL medications.  I no longer am dependent upon pills to keep my sugar in line.  I have learned to keep everything in line by diet alone.  And I couldn't be more proud.

I would like to lose another 30 lbs or so and then reevaluate whether or not I want to lose more.  I do know that eventually, I will need to have surgery to remove the loose, hanging skin that 20 years of being so heavy has done to me.  But that's a ways off.  I'm so incredibly happy with my progress.  Something that I thought was impossible is within reach and I've done it all on my own.

I have much more to talk about, this is just a tip of the iceberg.  But rather than making one enormous post, I'm going to break it up into major events.  Come back tomorrow for the next installment in the saga that has become my life.